How I long to live in a land
of hand-drawn clouds
floating on painted skies
Rolling hills brushed with green dye
Gray ink mountains, blue-stroked seas
Small villages
with white smudges of smoke rising from their chimneys
A land where everyone is
content.
I long to have
storybook friendships
and happy endings
I long to be in a place
where justice is a matter of course
where every conflict is solved
and the world is good
uncomplicated
and peaceful.
That world only lives
in minds
on pages
and in brief moments
little epochs of happiness
flitting in through the window and then out the door
carried by the breeze.
Maybe happiness is catching these wind-travelers
keeping them in jars like fireflies
Maybe happiness is drawing them
as butterflies on painted skies.
Or maybe it's just
watching them
carving their shape in memory as they drift on by
and thinking about them
every once in a while.
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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
Since the beginning of time, human beings have always been obsessed with the idea of searching for heaven and finding idealistic places to live. Wind-Traveler encapsulates this idea perfectly. It is so clever how the author begins by describing a land of perfection before illustrating how we fantasize about "wind-travelers" and the comforts that come with them. In addition, beautiful imagery is fabricated with word choice and captivating description. My only suggestion is to create a stronger divide between the first 2 stanzas and the second 2 stanzas. This way the contrast between a faultless world and reality is more apparent. Work like this is the reason I love poetry.
I also want to add that the foundation of this poem is perfect for a short story. It is such a beautiful concept. 😃
Hello, mordax here! First off, I loved this poem. I love how you paint such a vivid picture with such beautiful words. Right off the bat, this poem took me into this peaceful, beautiful landscape where I could feel the breezes, smell the air, and see the colors. I love how you transition from describing this view in feelings of longing to the brief moments we crave. I always love work that is centralized on the concept of fleeting happiness in a positive connotation, so I love this poem.
My sole critique (which is extremely minor) is I felt the last line was a bit weaker than the rest of the poem. It felt off with the flow and broke the lyrical sway you had going. Of course, this is a minor critique as the poem is still beautiful, I just think it could have ended off in a more impactful way.
But then again, even as I type that, I realize the beauty of your sudden, "weak" ending, for it is hardly weak at all, merely conveying the way these small moments are so simple yet mean so much. So, if this was your purpose with this ending, then ignore me.
All in all, wonderful job! You have a lot of talent.
mordax
Salutations, my good fellow. I am here for a little review.
First of all, wow. Just wow. I would just like to say that I loved this poem. Your use of colorful feelings and visuals are incredible.
I don't think I have anything bad to say.
I liked your phrase: "little epochs of happiness"
I liked all your phrases, in fact.
The way you convey the feelings of wanting all this is tangible. The images are physical.
Awesome work,
~Zacharias Drake