My name is Handsome(well that is what my mommy calls me). I am a cat, my mommy feeds me her eggs from breakfast and her salami from her lunch and porridge from supper. She always tells me that I’m her little boy! I am proud that she is my mommy. In the night when she sleeps I go looking for other animals. I find a slimy noodle.
“Hello, furry animal!” the noodle said.
“What are you? Where do you live? Why are you slimy? How do you know what I’m saying?” I asked.
“I’m a slimy snake. I live under this deck. I’m not sure why I’m slimy. We snakes know a lot of languages.” she replied “I’m Sally.”
“Hi! I’m Handsome.” I told her. She slithered over to the cat door. I walked over to her and held the door open. I knew as soon as I opened the door it was breakfast. Sally slithered behind me slowly. I ran over to my mommy. I cried for her. She turned around and saw me and patted me on the back. She picked me up and put my eggs in a bowl in front of me and I ate the eggs. Sally looked at me with water running out of her mouth. I picked up a piece of egg in my mouth and dropped it on the floor. She sniffed the egg and started eating it.
“This meat is good, what is it called?” Sally asked.
“It’s called egg!” I said proudly
“Oh, I like this egg.” Sally decided.
Mommy walked back into the kitchen, reading a book, not paying any attention to where she walked. She accidentally stepped on Sally, who hissed and slithered away quickly. Mommy quickly opened the door and kicked the noodle out into the yard; she looked a little shocked.
Later that day, when Mommy was going to sleep, I slipped outside to find Sally.
“Sally? Sally?”
It was dark outside but I felt Sally’s slimy skin brush against my paw.
“Sally, are you okay?”
“Yes, but I can’t believe you would do that!”
“It wasn’t me, it was my mommy. Please don’t be mad. I’m sorry for what she did.”
“Okay, Handsome, I forgive your...what did you call her again?”
“My mommy, and thank you. See you tomorrow buddy!” I trotted back to the house, while Sally returned to her hole in the ground.
The two friends played together almost every day after that.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,789 Literary Works • 672,769 Reviews
Hi CorruptedArrow! It's Koitsubaki here this Review Day!
Honestly, I agree with SqueakieSilverShadow in that this story is like a children's story. It's short, it's simple, and it's endearing. It's a surprisingly pleasant fresh breath of air from all the horror and adult fiction I've been consuming. It's also a unique story, especially when you compare it to everything that's posted in this site and written by teenagers these days. They do everything they can to get away from children's writing. They try to appear complex and verbose, but this story brings us back to a forgotten time of simplicity and simple joys. I love this story for being that, so please continue to write more of these. I wanna see more from you and your coauthor CocoaCat owo
It would really amuse me though if you get an illustrator to bring your text to life and make it an actual children's story book. That goes after refining the text, however, because as much as I like this story, it does have a few mistakes.
First off, you should fix your grammar a bit. I reeled a little inside when I saw that non-spacing before the parenthesis. It makes your story look somewhat amateur, and it doesn't help that a grammatical mistake is your first impression upon the curious reader.
The next one I found was in the second-to-the-last sentence of the first paragraph. I think you should put that comma in between "sleeps" and "I." It's the convention in writing, in a way, and a comma can really change the meaning of a sentence. Think "Let's eat, Grandma," versus "Let's eat Grandma."
The last one is in the third-to-the-last paragraph. You forgot to put a space after the ellipses (or the triple periods, if you don't know). That's all.
I'm sorry if I sound ultra-nitpicky, but it's a really short story, so might as well pull out all the weeds while we're at it owo
The second qualm about this has to do with the conflict. Children's stories usually impart to their young readers a moral lesson or a truth about life, which they can usually convey using the conflict of the story and its consequences. I got really worried when Handsome's owner stepped on Sally. It's a nasty occurrence when you step on an animal, no matter what kind. When I saw how easily this conflict was resolved, however, I felt a bit empty inside. It felt really anticlimactic. What was the point of all that suspense? At the end, I didn't really walk away more learned than I was before.
I'd appreciate it if you impart any sort of moral lesson to the reader through this story. Doing that would really make the reader feel more fulfilled after reading it.
Overall, it's a good children's story, but it could use a little more polishing. Though I enjoyed it, it was mostly because of nostalgia and deviation from the adult fiction I usually read. Please consider my comments on this. Again, I'd like to see more from you two. I'll begin my wait for this to get illustrated now.
That's it for my review. I hope I became of help today. If you want to talk a little more, it would be my pleasure. よいお年を！
ーこいつばき umu
thanks for the insight, will definitely look into those things. This was just an L.A. Assignment, so this helps. Thank you!
This a really nice story! it seems like a children's book you'd find in a bookstore. I think I'd also love it if I were a little kid. There isn't any violence (not including Sally getting kicked), or bad language, but still enjoyable! Keep writing stories like these!
Thanks!
This is a very cute story! I like that the cat is called Handsome, as its probably not his name but what he's called so much, and that he calls the snake a noodle. I appreciate that you've considered what sort of perspective a cat would have while still making sure it's 'human' enough for readers to relate.
I don't know if there's enough here for a story. The conflict itself is minimal and resolved so quickly, when this could be more fleshed out, in which case I could imagine this being a children's book, there's a lot of potential with a cat and snake being friends and going on adventures it's adorable!
Also, the entire story is in first person and then the last sentence is third person. I don't know if it was intentional, but it doesn't really make sense and threw me off a bit.
Thank you. And yes my cat's actual name is handsome(I based it off of him). I was going for the children's type of a book. This was an L.A. assignment, I wasn't expecting lots of criticism. Thanks again for the review!