WOOP WOOP DAT'S MAH FRIEND!!!!!!!!
I love my human,
She is kind, caring and compassionate.
I am allowed to wander the woods.
The woods are wonderful, while wondering what would
I eat for dinner.
Above my head flies a bird.
The dark cloud glides below it with a surprise,
As lightning splits the sky and thunder crackles after.
The bird flies with lightning on his wings.
Black as night, the bird swoops down with
All of heaven under it’s rein.
As rain falls from the sky, I run for cover.
Trees tremble terribly tossing, turning trying to
Keep the rain off their leaves.
The sky crackles in anger, everyone hears it’s cry.
Bullrushes surround a lake, though
Many dare not to come close.
For mother and calf hold domain
Over the lake, I dare not disturb the
Great horned cow.
The rain moves along, and with it the storm.
While most move merrily to more marsh, I stay.
My human will not go, her tribe hunts for winter.
Hunting helps wane of hunger.
Under the ground more animals move around.
My human digs at the ground, I stop her for she doesn’t
Know of the dangers below the Earth.
A black and white head pops out of the ground,
A plump grey body follows.
I give it a low growl to warn it not to come any further.
The creature turns tail and runs.
I stay, for my human I shall protect.
For I am never not far wandering the woods.
My name is Wren Wolf, I will never
Leave my human warrior’s side.
Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is not meant to hurt you offend you or make your story look bad or demine it that said . . .
1.What I liked
I liked the fact that it's in the wolf's prospective and of course that it mentions a wolf. I also liked the way it flows,
2. Style
I understand that you are trying to sound the way a wolf would and I am not condemming that but maybe you should change a few things . . .
I eat for dinner.
While wondering what would I eat for dinner
Above my head flies a bird
It seems a little odd you talk about what she would eat for dinner then say above my head flies a bird, but there is no mention of her eating it, and no referance to it afterwords. That seems needless.
Bullrushes surround a lake, though
Many dare not to come close.
For mother and calf hold domain
First of all there is an extra space between the Bullrushes unless you are refering to a type of reed or rush as in the plant. But why do you mention how many don't come close if it's plants you are talking about?
3. Sticking with subject
What is this about? Wren's life that day or her love for her human? It is confusing what it is actually about.
4. Overall and encouragment
I enjoyed reading it and apart from the lines I mentioned I thought it was great. keep up the great work, I will enjoy it along with many others.
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said
Thanks for sharing this story about a wolf who expresses the reason s why he must remain faithful to his human warrior. I like the twist in the animal feeling that the human belonging to him instead of the opposite. LOL! The wolf then goes into describing what he likes about being allowed to be in the woods. But to me that seemed like a drifting away a bit from the theme which I understand to be:
“As a wolf I love my Warrior Human and will never leave his or her side."
So the viewing of a bird in flight, comments of the weather, the statement of not wanting to mess with a certain long-horned cow all seemed somehow irrelevant.
I was hoping to hear how the wolf-warrior-human relationship was established and how he came to be so faithful. Was he born into it, or was he captured and domesticated? I wanted to hear details about experiences where they both helped each other in emergencies.
I enjoyed the read of course and like the idea and the point of view that you told the story in. It's just a matter of giving more emphasis to what is relevant to their mutual dependency.
Suggestions
Please also note that the formatting resembles that of a poem and so does the use of alliteration. So perhaps it should be placed under the narrative poetry category.
....wander the woods. The woods. wonderful, while, wondering what would [Too many “w” sounds.]
The capitalization of every beginning of a line is also a poetic convention.
Very interesting read regardless.
Look forward to reading more of your work.
120,354 Literary Works • 649,544 Reviews
Points: 174
Reviews: 48
Donate