z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Dare to Anger

by CorruptedArrow


As I woke up this morning I knew something was going to be different. I got ready as usual.

“Don’t forget to have breakfast before you go to school.” my mother chimed right before I walked out the door. As I ignored my mother and kept walking out the door and towards the school. I kept walking and my friend walked up beside me.

“I hear that Cecelia decided to stay home today.” Kayla chirped in my ear.

“Is that why I woke up so calm?” I asked.

“You? Waking up Calm?” She asked jokingly “What have you done to the real Lexia, where have you put her?” We laughed as we kept walking. The cold started to annoy me, it should be summer not winter. As we entered the school the principle had started following me, I hope he knows that I’m starting to get pissed.

“Miss Hennings, would you please follow me to my office?” The Principal asked as he walked down the hall. I followed him, we walked in silence. I walked behind with anger knowing that I may or may not be in trouble for something I haven’t done. Which to me is normal on account of my classmates blaming me for them doing something stupid, like when Jake and Steven decided to play who could throw their paper ball on to the garbage from their desk. Everyone was getting hyped up, the teacher walked in and demanded who started this mess everyone just pointed at me. Mental note: Don’t ever trust your classmates again.

As we got to his Office he motioned for me to sit down, and I did so in the chair in front of his desk. He kept walking till he got to his seat behind the desk. He looked at me then sighed. (Great my classmates told the Principle of something stupid they did.)

“You have probably heard that one of your classmates have stayed home today, is that correct?” The principle questioned me.

“Yes. I’m sorry but how does this involve me?” I asked him.

“Well, from what her parents have told me over the phone earlier is that she was being bullied by one of her classmates.” He tried to explain to me.

“That could be anyone in the class Mr. Anderson, how out of all of my other classmates have you narrowed it down to me? Because if she said it was me that is a lie. I have never been near her or her friends, heck I haven’t been near any of my classmates in the past 2-3 years.” I stated.

“I was just going to say that I need you to find who bullied her.” He calmly told me. “Because as you said you stay far away from your classmates that you can observe everyone else and see who picks on who.”

“I’m sorry but this is something that I wouldn’t be able to do.” I said as I started to get up. I started to grab my bag and walk out the door when he told me something I’ll never forget.

“Whenever one person stands up and says “Wait a minute, this is wrong.” It helps other people do the same.” I walked out of the room knowing what my anger can be used to do.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1232 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 1232

Donate
Thu Jan 27, 2022 3:45 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi CorruptedArrow,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You create a very ominous beginning and I especially like the fact that you already make the reader think and ask questions. You build up an interesting plot that unfolds after only a few lines, and one only notices more and more as the story progresses that something is not right.

Lexia seems to have reached an exciting point in her life. I like her character, even if it's not a prime example, going through life with the self-assurance and arrogance she shows. You manage to create a character in such a short time and yet with a certain depth that she seems very likeable to me because as a reader you have to wonder how she got to this point.

“Don’t forget to have breakfast before you go to school.” my mother chimed right before I walked out the door. As I ignored my mother and kept walking out the door and towards the school.


This section feels a bit bumpy because you repeat yourself with the terms of "door" and "school" that it takes the whole flow of reading a bit out of the frame. I would rewrite it, for example just the last sentence to: "As I ignored my mother, I kept walking out of the house towards.” You'd be dropping the school altogether, but the reader can make up their own mind if they've followed the story this far.

Another thing I noticed is your transitions between sections. It seems like there's a section missing in general or you need to rewrite something because it seems like you're jumping too much from one point to the next. I think it would just help to stretch things out a bit more.

It starts at the very beginning, like here, for example:

As I woke up this morning I knew something was going to be different. I got ready as usual.
“Don’t forget to have breakfast before you go to school.” my mother chimed right before I walked out

You are jumping a bit too fast from one point to another without any explanation. That would fit in a comic but not in a story. Or at least I would recommend rewriting some parts.

In summary, an interesting story.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




User avatar
841 Reviews

Points: 664
Reviews: 841

Donate
Thu Mar 01, 2018 2:44 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



I liked this story about waking up with feeling that something will be different and finding out that it is a gaining of wisdom caused by the advice that a teacher provided. Sometimes doing what is right involves risk.

Suggestions

Too many “walked” “walk” and “walking.” [ I started to leave.] [We continued on our way....]

As I ignored.... [I ignored] Otherwise it is a sentence fragment.

“Take care of yourself," Joe said. [Notice that a comma is used within the quotation marks and not a period.]
https://www.thebalance.com/punctuating- ... ng-1277721


Tense Consistency

I hope he knows that I’m starting to get pissed. [I hoped that he knew that I was starting to....] This keeps it in the past tense as was intended.




User avatar
19 Reviews

Points: 628
Reviews: 19

Donate
Mon Feb 26, 2018 5:47 pm
thedumbbrunette00 wrote a review...



Howdy Hey CorruptedArrow, let me start by saying I love the idea of a young girl detective fighting back against bullying in a kind of sneaky and spy-like sort of way. I think that's a pretty unique idea!

However, the construction and execution of this idea needs a little work.

For example, the idea that the girl just "stayed home" kind of lowers the stakes. Instead, I would change it to a suicide or an attempted suicide (puts her in a coma maybe?) Or maybe a case of hazing or a hate crime on someone who CANNOT speak out about the perpetrator instead of one that WILL NOT.

Also, I am not particularly fond of the Principal calling her in to assign her the case. I think it would be more believable if she simply is effected by the event (suicide, hate crime, etc.) and decides to take matters into her own hands after no charges come down to the perp.

For reference, maybe Lexia has a motive, a prior connection to bullying (like someone she loved or she herself went through something similar) or maybe she has a connection to Cecilia, like she was always nice to her when others weren't or they were friends in Kindergarten. Something other to get the reader invested and raise the stakes.

All in all though, I'm really excited for the story to continue. I can tell you are very passionate about this subject and I think that translates into your writing.

Best of Luck!
thedumbbrunette00






Thanks, will definitely work on those things!




Hail Hydra
— Stan Lee