My life has had its ups and downs. But really, I’m not that interesting. My mom is a music teacher in the school that I am in and my dad is in I.T. (Information Technology) for the town hall. I’ve had good grades. My home life is not the same as my school life. My mom is always around and can help me if I need help. My dad is on time to supper mostly, but after usually he plays on his PlayStation. My mom and dad are good parents they have punished me for the stupid things I have done, like staying up too late. Or eating my sister’s goldfish. Anyways…. My life online, well to say that I’m famous is an understatement.
“ROWAN! I WANT TO EAT ICECREAM AND MOM SAYS WE CAN’T HAVE ANY!” My sister Meredith calls from the living room.
“WELL WHAT THEY SAY IS THE LAW, SUCK IT UP! YOU’LL BE FINE!” I yelled back. “YOU CAN MAKE IT TO SUPPER.” Today was noodles and meat sauce, my own recipe that wowed everyone who tasted it for the first time. I got up realising I needed to start making supper. I got the meat into the pan and started browning it. Then got a medium size pot and put the water up to the buttons. I put the pot on the stove and turned the burner to 8 and put the sauce in the meat pan and started stirring. The noodles are different each time - today it was just normal noodles. I get my sister set the table up. My mom looks as if a tree branch hit her in the face several times.
“Rowan you’re father won’t be able to make it to dinner tonight.” My mom told me as she sat down for supper. “He has to go to Calgary for a few weeks and he’ll be back home today after you guys are in bed. I believe.” I brought the noodles and the meat sauce and garlic bread to the table. We bowed our heads to pray then dug into the meal, it went by slowly. After we all finished I cleaned up the leftovers and made a few meals for lunch tomorrow. I went and hugged my mom.
“Do you have any homework?” Mom asked.
“Ya, I have a few questions from science.” I replied cheerfully.
“Ok, get to it then, and thank you for supper Rowan.” My mom stated.
“You’re welcome!” I chirped. I grabbed my backpack and went to my room. When you walk in are three beige walls then one blue wall. Depending on the lighting it will appear to be different shades like people’s moods. My bed is in the corner of the room. Across the room from the door and the rest of the room had an artsy detail to every wall. Then the desk is right beside the door on the right. I sat at the desk, got my science and started working; it was almost 8:30 pm when I finished. I leaned back in my chair and Meredith was quietly standing behind me.
“What’ca need this time?” I asked her.
“Nothing I was just looking at your hair.” she cooed. She then walked out of my room. I packed my books up and put them back in the backpack. I turned my laptop on and when to YouTube. I clicked on the comments on a video I had recently posted. The comments ranged from rude to thanks for what I’ve made. One comment popped out at me;
Hey, I know that you don’t get to read all of your comments but, you save so many lives. You save people and they want to thank you, you stop them from doing suicide or drugging themselves. And that you make a difference in everyone's lives.You are a Hero to us!
By the time I went back to the kitchen to grab a snack I was beaming with how proud I was, and how I can do that with only a few words or a video.
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(Next Day)
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My morning routine consist of:
6:30 a.m.- Alarm goes off.
6:30 a.m.- I wake up and turn off my alarm.
7:00 a.m.- I wake up fully, fall on the floor cause my foot falls asleep.
7:03 a.m.- I realize that it’s still not the weekend, and have gotten all dressed.
7:15 a.m.- Yell at my sister to get up. She gets dressed and I make breakfast.
8:10 a.m.- Walk over to the Junior High School with Meredith, and to the High School Just a block over.
8:34 a.m.- School starts.
My sister parts from me and walks over to the playground. While I walk over to the High School only a block over. I meet up with my Best Friend Cassandra. We’ve been friends since grade 2. Schedules are everything (well in my family). The day goes by smooth, no one notices me ever but that’s fine. School ends and I pack up my L.A. textbook and walk over to my locker and look at my phone. Buzz... Buzz… Buzz…
MOM:
Ro, your dad got into a car crash this morning. I am packing up right now and I’m going to Calgary to see your father.
Me:
How long will you be In Calgary?
MOM:
Only for two nights. Not long, Promise me that you and Mer that you won’t fight. And please keep the house clean. Do the dishes and keep the laundry going.
Me:
Will do! Say hi to Dad when you get there?
MOM:
Ya, definately!
I turned my phone off, and walked out of the school. Meredith was waiting at the gates of the Junior High. She looked at me.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“Dad got into a car crash.” I replied quietly.
“WHAT?!?!?!” she shouted.
“Mom is going to Calgary to see him.” I said calmly.
“HOW LONG?!” She kept shouting. “WHY WON’T YOU SPEAK?!”
“First calm down. Two… she’s gone for two days.” I stated calmly. We walked back to the house without talking. We walked into the door and she went down stairs. I called:
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR SUPPER?”
“CAN WE HAVE MAC AND CHEESE?” she called back. Normally when Mom and Dad leave we have Mac and Cheese. Buzz… Buzz… Buzz…
MOM:
Dad’s doing ok.
Me:
That’s good!
MOM:
I’m coming home tomorrow.
Me:
No, you have you stay with Dad!
MOM:
I can’t stay in Calgary for two days away from you guys.
Me:
What about Dad you can’t just leave him there alone.
MOM:
He’ll be fine, all the doctors are looking after him.
Me:
That’s a two hour drive there and another two back. You don’t have any sick days left, what are you going to do?
MOM:
Me either.
MOM:
I’m calling your Grandma Laila. She’s only a forty-five minutes away, she can watch over you guys.
Me:
Ok, then you are staying for a few more days then?
MOM:
Yes, please be good for Grandma Laila.
Me:
Ok. We will.
After that I started making the Mac and Cheese. Meredith came when I called (surprisingly!) We went into the living room and watched Mulan. Grandma Leila came after the movie finished.
“Hello girls!” Grandma Leila cheered.
“Hi Grandma Leila!” Meredith and I replied.
“Meredith can you go get ready for bed it’s almost 9:00.” My Grandma told Mer. “Rowan once we pray I need to talk to you.” I nodded. Mer got dressed and we prayed. Meredith went to bed and Grandma went to the kitchen got some coffee and I got some milk. We went back to the living room. She sat down on one side of the couch and I on the other. There was only a few minutes of silence by it felt like an eternity.
“You know that your Dad was in a crash.” I nodded. “And how him and your Mother are in Calgary?”
“Yes.” I replied quietly.
“Well your Mom told me that he has some head trauma, whiplash, and a few broken bones.” She sighed.
“How long is he going to be in the Hospital in Calgary?” I asked.
“The doctors are still trying to determine the healing process.” She calmly stated. “Your Mom says that she needs us to pray for him. Let’s do that now.” We prayed for a long time. We finished around 9:30 p.m.. We then hugged and I went to bed Grandma called my Grandpa and told him that she was going to stay there for a few days.
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(Next Day)
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I woke up before the alarm and got my homework done quickly and got Meredith up and she got her lunch and clothes already. I left a note to my Grandma that we had gone off to school. I dropped Meredith at the gates of her school.
“What’s going to happen to Dad?” She asked with a hint of worry to it.
“I’m not sure but, we have to pray for him.” I calmly told her. She nodded and ran to go and play with her friends. I watched for a minute and walked on to school. Cassandra is never this early. She came up to me with a worried expression in her face.
“Have you seen what’s on the news?” She asked in a jitterish voice. I hadn’t had time to look at anything in the past 12 hours.
“No” I replied as I shook my head.
“Your Dad was on the news! He had crashed outside of Calgary, and they said that it wasn’t his fault. It was a drunk driver’s fault.” She explained in a quickened voice. I nodded as she talked. Buzz… Buzz… Buzz…
MOM:
Hey honey! Your Dad is getting better. There are a lot of news reporters here an I have no clue why.
Me:
Dad was on the Calgary News…
Me:
They probably want to interview you, just a guess.
MOM:
Oh, sorry. Did I interrupt you while you were in class?
Me:
No, school hasn’t started yet. How’s dad?
MOM:Not bad. He’s becoming more responsive.
Me:
That’s good.
Me:
The bell just rang. Got to go, talk to you later say hi to dad for me?
MOM:
I will do that. Have a good day at school and we can talk later.
Me:
<3 U!
MOM:
Love you too!
I grab my textbooks and run to get to class. I’m late, dang it! I knock on the door. The teacher lets me in. I realize that my mom needs a hero, she can’t handle this all by herself with having to be with dad and then try and work from the hospital and no one can help her. I then start writing notes on the lecture that the teacher is giving on late comings to class. Then on a side note taking I make notes for a video idea. The bell rings for the next class and an announcement came on the intercom;
“WILL ROWAN EPP PLEASE COME DOWN TO THE FROM OFFICE.” Everyone gave a look of bewilderment, because anyone who was called to the office especially during the first hour of school is either going to be expelled or going to have a suspension. I put my textbooks away and walked to the office. I rounded the corner and the News reporters from Calgary were here. The principle caught me trying to sneak off into the bathroom.
“Hey Rowan, there are some News reporters and they want to ask you a few quest-” I interrupted him.
“NO, NO, NO, NO! Not happening. I can’t deal with this. Not now, I have to do my school work and then go go home and work at home.” I paused for a sec to see if Any of the reporters were listening in.(They weren’t) “My life’s already in a sinkhole and this is only going to make me sink faster. Can I go back to class? Sorry, MAY I go back to class?” The principal looked stunned. He motioned for me to grab my textbook and go back to class.
“You have a lot on your plate. Go back to class, I will deal with them. This one time I’ll let you run through the halls. Go” The principle whispered in my ear. As he turned to the reporters I ran. The teachers that roamed the halls didn’t stop me. I ran down all the halls I could and got back to my locker. I grabbed my gym clothes and ran to the gym. I walked as soon as I got through the doors. I squirmed into the changeroom. I got dressed and went back out to the gym. The teacher must have known about the reporters because she just went on to explain the game that my other classmates were playing. Class ended just I got on court. My classmates got changed first but waited for me. Normally Cassandra would have done same thing for me, but she was sick and waiting for me outside of the gym. I got dressed and walked out and then Tiffany(one of the girls who never has been near me) asks;
“What were you called to the office for? Are you Expelled? What did you do?” She rapid fired questions.
“Reporters wanted to ask me a few questions. No, and what would I do to get expelled?” I replied knowing that she wouldn’t answer. I walked to Cassandra, we walked to our lockers. Knowing that we were going to be recorded by who knows and wherever the reporters could gain access to. We kept silent for the whole day. When the day ended reporters were all around the school. “Attack of the Zombie Reporters” much? I put my hood down over my head and so did Cassandra. I called to Mer to do so as well, she followed. We all got to the house they were still trying to talk to us. I unlocked the door and let MEredith and Cassandra in then I followed them into the house slamming the door and locking in the process. Meredith and Cassandra followed me to my room, the furthest away from the door and any window. I setup my camera. Got the lights set up, and Cassandra called her mom to make sure it was ok for her to be in my video. Her mom said it was ok. Meredith got into her disguise and waited on the bed behind me I turned the Computer and monitor and the engine that record the sound. Then the Camera.
“HEY GUYS! This is Corrupted Arrow here and to my right is my sister and to my left is my best friend Cassandra. We are here today to talk to you guys about a thing that is happening in our lives.” I Started talking to the Camera. I pointed to my sister, “Our father a Information Technology Supervisor for A town near us. He was just in a car crash outside of Calgary. He is in the hospital getting better everyday.” My sister nodded knowing that what happened is going to be on the internet “Our mom has been with him for the past week. She has a job at the school that we,-” I pointed to Cassandra. “ Are at. She’s worked her butt off to keep up with the kids that she teaches and still be with our dad.”
“Guys we just want to let her know that she isn’t alone in this battle and she’s really a hero, and I could have never become the person who I am without her.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hey there! This is a nice little story, and I hope to help it get even better with my review.
I'll try to keep this part short, but as the previous reviewer mentioned there is a lot of unneeded details in this. One, I get it, it's a short story and you want to give the reader the maximum of understanding about the character. But two, in a short story you don't need that. Of course as a reader, I want to understand who the main character is, but in short stories, you should still only stick to what is necessary. That's the point of a short story, to only give the minimum in order to tell a lot.
Ok so second, also previously mentioned, but all caps is unnecessary. So we don't have long sections of it people invented the little thing called the exclamation point to convey the same message. So unless they are making certain words of their sentence more dominant then this should be changed back to normal.
The bolded should be commiting, people don't just do suicide, and that wording makes it seem insensitive. Additionally, this entire comment should either be in quotes or even better just italicized to separate it from the rest of the story.
This makes it seem like this is a more casually trip not caused by her dad getting hurt of all things. I think a comment asking if he's ok, or just for her mom to keep her updated on how he is would make it seem more caring than how it is currently.
Anyway, I hope that this review is helpful to you in your writing endeavors.
Sláinte -Junel
Okay, first of all this was a late assignment and because my teacher has this rule the longer it is later the longer it has to be. I Understand the misspellings, I realized my mistakes after I posted the story. I don't need the story of capitalization, I know it was wrong, I'm sorry. Have a good day.
Hi, this is pentavalence here with a review.
Wow. There's a lot to unpack here. Let's start there, actually: this piece is long, much longer than most pieces on YWS. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I feel like most of it is just filler surrounding the plot. Your storyline is very cool, but there's a lot of excess words that don't really advance the plot in any way. I'll go into detail on that later.
At the beginning: "But really, I’m not that interesting." Nope. No. Nuh uh. This turns the reader off immediately. Why would the reader want to learn about someone who's boring? If this isn't going to be a fun story, I'd rather look at something else. Rowan IS interesting, and that's the first thing you want to show the reader.
If you wanted to keep something to this effect, you could say "My real life isn't that interesting. But my life online, well to say that I’m famous is an understatement."
That's a stronger way to start. (In my opinion, anyway.)
And while we're on the beginning, this ("My mom is a music teacher in the school that I am in and my dad is in I.T. (Information Technology) for the town hall. I’ve had good grades. My home life is not the same as my school life. My mom is always around and can help me if I need help. My dad is on time to supper mostly, but after usually he plays on his PlayStation. My mom and dad are good parents they have punished me for the stupid things I have done, like staying up too late. Or eating my sister’s goldfish.") is a massive info dump. It's all filler. It's not needed. Don't tell us the dad is mostly on time to supper, show us!
Speaking of filler, that's what this is: "My morning routine consist of:
6:30 a.m.- Alarm goes off.
6:30 a.m.- I wake up and turn off my alarm.
7:00 a.m.- I wake up fully, fall on the floor cause my foot falls asleep.
7:03 a.m.- I realize that it’s still not the weekend, and have gotten all dressed.
7:15 a.m.- Yell at my sister to get up. She gets dressed and I make breakfast.
8:10 a.m.- Walk over to the Junior High School with Meredith, and to the High School Just a block over.
8:34 a.m.- School starts. "
Unless her morning routine is something extraordinary, the reader can fill that in themselves. It doesn't have to be spelled out for us, and it doesn't advance the plot in any way.
Now, it might seem that I'm anti-detail because I'm suggesting cutting all of this, but I think there's a lot more to expand upon here. How did Rowan get so famous? What kind of videos does Rowan make? How does Rowan deal with the fame normally?
Yeah. There's a lot of that kind of stuff in there. Let's move on to the dialog.
Why are there so many all-caps words? Once or twice I might understand, but multiple times.... they shout a ton, I get it. All-caps makes it look kind of juvenile.
Lastly, you have a lot of typos and spelling errors in here. Your piece would look more professional if you cleaned those up.
I think this work has a lot of potential. (It might not seem this way after I've gone into such detail about it's flaws, but I really like it.)
Peace out.
--Pen
It was just an L.A. assignment, that I thought would be good. Really my characters are based on friends and family, and the places are based on where I've been. This was all for fun, but thank you for the constructive criticism. I can and will work on it.
Sorry, I wasn't aware this was just for fun. You're welcome for the crit!