Lizzy Crawford eyed the guards standing at the gates of Pandora High School with disdain. How had she ended up outside during class hours? Not that she minded the warm summer air, but now she had no way of getting back inside. That was definitely something to be worried about.
Her eyes caught on the shiny doors gleaming in the elevator bank, reminding her that the rest of the lobby was as dimly lit as ever. She wondered again how her luck was so bad today. Of all days. She had a quiz to sit for in another hour and a half. Now, she was perpetually locked outside, standing in the glaring sunlight of midsummer, cursing her fate.
She hoped her clothes- the standard dress code for all PHS students, consisting of a black hooded jacket and jeans- were not drawing too much attention. If someone on the streets recognized her and informed her parents, she would be in big trouble, even though she had no idea what was going on.
She huffed and looked up at the sky, hitching her hands in the front pockets of her jacket in the process. It was a blue calming to the eyes, but the bright white tufts of clouds reflected the glare of the sun to such splendor that it became hard to look. So, she shifted her gaze back to earth, squinting to help her eyes adjust. This was not good. Someone was bound to notice her sooner or later. She had to find a way back. Fast.
She racked her brain for ways to get back in. Sneaking in was not an option. There were guards everywhere, at the front gates, the back gates. They would not let her in unless she produced her ID, which she left in her locker inside, and a good enough reason to let her in at such an off-time. Not even teachers were allowed to go out at half-time break. She wondered again how she got out. The last memory she had was walking out of the classroom. She checked the time on her wristwatch. It read 10 35. The clock in the room, she remembered clearly, read 10 32 when she walked out.
What’s going on?
She sighed, dejected, knowing she could only go so far without the knowledge of what was going on. That was when she noticed the person walking away on her right. Said person wore a black hooded jacket and jeans, much like her. She turned, the hood of his jacket was pulled up, and the hand stuck in the front pockets. The person turned slightly to check if anyone noticed him, and that one split second was enough for her to place the hunched unconfident posture, the freckled nose, and the heat flushed pink skin.
This was Ronnie Baker, Ben Thornes’ best friend. The grade-acclaimed-sidekick.
Her eyes narrowed in suspicion.
What’s he doing here?
Granted he would rather drop out than sit for the quiz, no one in their right senses would allow him to leave the school premises.
What confused her most was that he looked perfectly calm, except for the worry that someone might spot him, almost as if he knew what was going on, and was, perhaps, in some way, involved in its mechanism.
He threw another glance to the other side before beginning to walk again. Lizzy began to panic. He was the only shred of familiarity in the situation, and she was losing him. He was walking away. What was she supposed to do?
Part of her wanted to ignore him and brainstorm ways to get back inside. The other part nagged her to follow him.
She glanced again at the gates of PHS, and the back at him.
“Ah! Forget it!” she whispered to herself. She turned fully to face Ronnie’s back, pulled up the hood over her head even though it was sweltering hot, and started walking.
He walked at a snail’s pace, which was unusual for someone trying to avoid drawing attention. She wanted to scream at him. On her wristwatch, the hands ticked away. The quiz mattered to her. It had occurred to her that it might not matter to him, but, at the moment, following him was the only way to avoid getting suspended. If the authorities found out she was outside when she should have been inside, suspension was only the least of punishments.
He stopped again after a couple of minutes, no doubt to check again. This time, he turned more than before, and froze mid-motion. Their eyes met for a split second, and then he was running. Cursing under breath, Lizzy quickened her pace.
The gravel on the sidewalk crunched beneath her sneakers. The jogging soon began to tire her; drawing fast and shallow breaths, she continued on. The muscles in her legs began to ache from the sudden exertion. As she passed her favorite food court the aroma of savored dishes tingled her nose, tempting her to stop, but she pressed on. He was her only choice.
He turned a corner and disappeared behind a block of buildings. She went faster still. When she turned the corner she ended up about ten feet behind him. He had obviously slowed down when he lost sight of her, which almost halved their up-till-then-well-maintained distance.
He turned to her abruptly, desperate to catch his breath.
“Stop following me!” he hissed between labored inhales.
She came to a halt just short of ten feel radius from him. She had to crouch to catch her breath. “You stop running away from me!” she hissed back.
They glowered at each other with the intensity of the summer sun. Blessedly, they were standing in the shade of a building hidden from the scorching glare of the real thing.
“What are you doing here?” both asked simultaneously.
“You seriously think I know?” Lizzy huffed in disbelief. “Honestly? I just walk out of class and find myself in the middle of the street. YOU tell ME what’s happening here!”
“Why should I?” he exclaimed.
“Oh! So, you do know what’s going on.”
He stopped in the middle of a comeback, as if struck by a sudden realization. He replaced his hands, which he had taken out unconsciously during the verbal fight, into his pockets and regained his mission of moving as far away from PHS as possible.
“Hey!” Lizzy said, annoyed at being ignored.”Where do you think you’re going?” she reached forward and grabbed his arm.
He jerked away. “It’s none of your business.”
“Oh, it’s my business, alright!” she announced.
“No, it’s not. Go find your own way,” he said still trying to get away.
“How on earth am I supposed to find a way when I don’t even know how I got out?!” she exclaimed.
That stopped him. He stood there, hunched as always, his eyes narrowed in suspicion and concentration. “You’re kidding,” he whispered after a few moments. “You’re playing with me. Of course you know what’s going on. You’re just doing this to draw attention to yourself.” He was talking more to himself than to her.
“Hello! Haven’t you been listening to me?” she said waving a hand in front of his face. “If I really knew what was going on why would I be following you like a lunatic, huh?”
“How would I know? Just leave me alone!”
“No!” she retaliated, and in the process grabbed his arm again. “Ronnie, I can tell you know what’s going on here. And we both know if someone in there,” she gestured in the general direction of the school, “finds out about this, it won’t be pleasant for either of us.”
He scoffed. “As if I care. They can’t do anything to me.”
This remark reminded her of the reason he was so undisciplined. His parents were dead. School was the last thing he cared about. He probably just showed up to spend some time with his friends.
She thought of something that would appeal to him.
“Dude, look. If it was just one of us it probably wouldn’t matter. But it’s the two of us. And whether or not that affects anything else, it will waste our time.”
He stared at her, his eyes betraying irritation. “You done blabbering?” he said.
“No,” she said sternly.
“Just get to the point! You’re wasting my time now!”
“I’m just saying, if you get me a way back in I won’t tell anyone you’re involved in this.” She said with confidence.
He raised his left eyebrow. “You won’t tell anyone,” he mocked. “Give me a break.”
“Come on! You know this is serious. I need to get back and you need to stay out of trouble, even if its just to save time,” she whined.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, like when people have a headache, and then he sighed.”You know what? Do whatever you want. I don’t even care.” He sounded exasperated and annoyed. Digging his hands in his pockets he trudged forward.
She smirked at her victory. He was walking away, but was not trying to shake her off. All that remained to be done now was to get him to get her in before it was too late.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello again! This is a much better opening for the novel! This took more time to give us some setting and atmosphere, which helped a lot, and the character shone throught a lot better. The prologue is a poor first impression for this nice follow-up.
"It was a blue calming to the eyes, but the bright white tufts of clouds reflected the glare of the sun to such splendor that it became hard to look." - Unless there is something unusual about the sky, you probably shouldn't mention it. Everyone knows what the sky looks like so it's wasted words. If you need to get the weather in there, you could do it more sneakily, like use it to influence something else that she notices (light reflecting off something or making colours vivid etc).
The beginning felt a teeny bit repetitive with the needing to get back and not knowing what's going on. Definitely important, but it may have been repeated one too many times.
I think in some places you could consider using more vivid language, especially verbs. Walk, wore, saw are a few examples I remember. They're functional words but not particularly interesting. I've always said verbs are one of our best descriptive tools. They can pack a lot of punch. I wouldn't say go crazy with adjectives and adverbs, but there's definitely room to spice up the prose here and there. It's great in some places but weaker in others.
Other than outside the school, where is she? Is she standing on grass, pavement? Are there buildings, roads, fields? I don't have a good image of the background. If she's outside a secure guarded facility that people are rarely allowed out of, I don't understand the comment about passing her favourite food court and being tempted to stop.
I was a little disappointed that we didn't get to find out anything more about the situation. The conversation went on for so long I was sure we'd get the big plot reveal right before the chapter break, but sadly no. Considering that isn't the case, I feel like the conversation rather belabours the point. After a while, it didn't seem like the responses on either side were doing much to reveal character or further the story. Maybe it should be shortened, or given some more oomph?
Thanks for sharing and happy writing!
Hi there!
I've been meaning to get to this for a while and I'm finally here! I haven't read any of the other reviews (because I'm lazy like that ><) so if I repeat anything they've said just ignore it. I hope I can still be a help even after so many awesome reviews!
I was going to comment on the prologue, but I really didn't have anything positive to tell you so I decided against it. Basically, the prologue doesn't feel like a prologue. Nothing really happens and it leads immediately into this first chapter. If I were you I'd either cut it out completely or just put it at the beginning of the first chapter. I'm a huge fan of prologues when they're used right so I can get pretty critical of them. They need to be important and be able to stand alone. They can lead directly into the first chapter, but that's usually only when there's a time jump (Five years later... for example). I don't see much of an urgent need of the events that happen in the prologue.
Anyway, moving on to the first chapter.
Just a nitpick here. Is it really important that we know her last name? This might just be my personal preference, but last names don't ever seem important unless they mean something -- like if someone's family is famous and everyone knows that name. Right now it just seems like pointless information. Which is fine, but I don't really see the need to know her last name at this point.
There's always a way back in
Guards at the school? Wow. There must be something intense going on around them. I've heard of schools using metal detectors to keep weapons out, but guards are definitely five steps up from that. I wonder what's going on in the world outside of the school.
The sentence "Of all days" made me think that there was something worse going on. But then all she mentions is a quiz she has. I guess I'm missing out on the reason she's panicking about missing a simple quiz that she could always make up. (Maybe this is just the terrible student inside of me coming out xD)
There's a reason I was looking for. However, I kind of want to know more than that. Just how upset would her parents be? Has she gotten in trouble for skipping school before or is she just one of those kids who does everything right? You're giving us little details about Lizzy and her life, but you're not digging quite as deep as you need to, even if this is just the first chapter. I'm looking for explanations for her thoughts and actions, but I'm not getting any.
One thing that I'm curious about is where exactly Lizzy is standing right now. Is she close to the school? Far away? Are there trees she can hide behind? As I'm reading, I'm imagining her just standing there in the open staring at the school. Which doesn't seem very likely to me because she's worrying about getting caught being out there. I'd guess that she'd want to find somewhere to hide right away.
Ah, now we're getting the reasons why Lizzy is so upset about being locked outside of the school. Personally, I think those would work better earlier on in the chapter, when she's first thinking about them. They seem a bit detached at this point, like they're an afterthought. And to be honest, it feels displaced because now she's thinking about Ronnie and what he's doing out here as well. So why would her thoughts switch back to not being able to sneak back into school? Wouldn't she just be completely focusing on whether or not to follow him?
Another thing I feel is missing a bit here is Lizzy's relationship with Ronnie. it's obvious that they know each other, and more than just because they're in the same class. Are they friends? Enemies? Acquaintances? It struck me as I was reading through their dialogue that there's more to their relationship than anyone is admitting. They're having an argument like they're old friends, so I'm curious to know if they are. To be honest, I'm not even sure how an explanation of their relationship would fit into the action so I don't have any suggestions xD I guess I'm just saying that I notice their relationship and are curious to learn more. Maybe when Lizzy first sees him she can remember a conversation she had with him or a time she scolded him about skipping class or something? That might work. I don't know.
Oooooh, suspense. What is Ronnie up to? And why does he think Lizzy knows? There's a lot going on here and we're only breaking the surface. I can't wait to start finding out all of the secrets. There are a lot here, I can tell.
Overall this is a nice opening chapter. We're introduced to the main character, someone whom I'm assuming is going to be a main character, and a problem. We also get a sneak peek of sorts of what is going to happen in this novel. Obviously Ronnie is involved in something that Lizzy should know about, but doesn't for some reason. I wonder what it is and how/why she eventually finds out. And does she ever get back into the school?
I'll get to the next chapters soon! I really want to find out what's going on.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you for the review, Noelle! I can see I'm getting the point across in the first half though I still might need to work on it. I'm glad you like it so far, and I hope I don't disappoint you in the next chapters. Do leave a comment on the other chapters. It would be a great help!
Hello there just going to give you a little review. This story seem pretty alright so far in my opinion. The problem seems pretty simple but it looks like it's going to be much more. I would personally like a little more back story/history on some of the other characters. Right now the main thing that stands out it is one of the characters parents are dead and that they don't care about school.
While i was reading this i notice a few odd things. that italic sentence "What’s he doing here?" i assume that's a thought, if it is I suggest you starting putting I thought after that because not everyone will assume that those aren't actually quotes considering people have different writing styles. If it wasn't a thought then you may have forgot quotations.
The grammar seems fine
one last thing the the sentence "YOU tell ME what’s happening here"
Now I've someone on this site give me the advice to actually make the words Italic instead of having it all caps to give your words more of an impact.
But it's still a good read, keep writing.
Hello!
I have very few things I think need to be fixed. The few that I do have are nit picky, so don't take them too seriously.
So, that last line.
"All that remained to be done now was to get him to get her in before it was too late."
I would consider changing it to...
"All that remained now was getting back in before it was too late."
The whole "get him to get her" thing bugs me. I couldn't explain why, but a few of my friends agree that it just seems weird to put into something unless absolutely necessary.
I agree with the last reviewer. We barely have any background information on Ronnie. Since he seems to be an important character, the best thing to do is to give us more than just saying he's best friends with someone. We don't know who Ben Thornes is. We couldn't tell you what them being friends means.
Don't forget the colon for time. 10:32, not 10 32!
"What confused her most was that he looked perfectly calm, except for the worry that someone might spot him, almost as if he knew what was going on, and was, perhaps, in some way, involved in its mechanism."
Okay, I know, I know. This is technically acceptable. But... there are just too many commas. Please find a better way for this.
I hope to see this story grow and develop, and I hope to see even more good things from you.
Keep writing!
I'm a bit confused as, to what is going on. "This was Ronnie Baker, Ben Thornes’ best friend. The grade-acclaimed-sidekick." I think you should give a little more background information, because we don't know who Ben is. Is Ben good or bad? Ronnie's his sidekick for what? "It read 10 35. The clock in the room, she remembered clearly, read 10 32 when she walked out." Remember to add the colon in the time so, it reads 10:35 and 10:32 rather than separate numbers. I look forward to seeing the story develop.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Ah, so that's the reason why the guy in the classroom was so restless? His best friend was outside the school, if I have the names right, that is. Now I'm wondering if he knows that his friend is actually outside the school? If the reason why he was so restless is because his friend is gone, then the next question would be if he knows why he is. Does he know why he's outside? This is something that I'm actually pretty darn curious about, as being transported out to the outside of the school, while leaving class, isn't exactly the norm.
While I am curious as to how she suddenly got transported to the outside of the school, now I am really wondering what kind of school this is. Is this just a normal school where not even teachers are allowed outside the school? Frankly, I don't have much experience when it comes to how a typical public school is ran (I'm homeschooled), so I understand that this might be the norm. But then again, I'm not entirely sure. I've never heard of a school where the teachers aren't allowed on the outside. Soo is this a normal public school? Orrr ^^
Next, I would like to talk about punctuation, and some small grammatical errors that I found. xD You must be tired of my guessing at everything by now.
Really, if you look at this, there isn't anything wrong with it. But there could be some improvement. There isn't anything wrong with the punctuation of course, but if you count how many commas you have here... Perhaps cut back on them? All in all, there are six commas here and I don't know about you, but isn't that just a bit too comma happy? Commas can be useful, but the also indicate pauses and breaks in the sentence, so too many will ruin the flow of your sentence.
So I would like to talk about this underlining thing that you do throughout this chapter. I've never seen it done before in an actual published novel, and it really doesn't look very professional. So perhaps use italics instead? Those are used in published novels to draw an emphasis on whatever you are writing, and they also look much better.
Typically, you don't use two points of punctuation next to the other. In this circumstance, I think an exclamation mark would better suit your purposes, as it's already implied by the context of the sentence that it's a question.
Ha, now I'm wondering why that is...
Now I'm just confused. Why exactly does he think she knows what's going on, when she's screaming in his face that she doesn't? lol No wonder she's so frustrated.
Slight slip in your dialogue punctuation and capitalization here. She shouldn't be caps here and there should be a comma instead of a period there after this.
This doesn't seem like whining to me. Maybe reasoning instead?
Overall, the same problem is here that there was in the prologue. Too little detail. For starters, what does this Ronnie look like? Obviously, you don't want to give us some info dumping thingy where you tell us that he has brown eyes, blond hair, and is six feet tall. Yeah, I get that. But still, something that would help us out?
What exactly are her surroundings? I know that she is outside her school and standing on a sidewalk, but that's about it. So just a bit more detail on these things.
I don't think I can come up with much more for this chapter. Let me know when you post the next one. This just might turn into my favorite novel to review if you aren't careful. ^^
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Really @ThereseCricket? Then maybe I won't be careful.
Kidding.
Anyway, thanks for the awesome review. I guess the reason there's too little detail is because I unconsciously based this on my own school. But, I guess you are right. And if you look closer, there is a bit of a description on Ronnie. The Floating voice is Lizzy here. And to be honest, she is throughout the first draft that I wrote out by hand. I'll do my best to fix these things of course.
Stay tuned!
Helloello ConfusedGlasses!
Alright I took a quick look at your prologue and this chapter just to make sure I was on the same page when I started reading this.
As of now, I find this mildly interesting and I owuld love for you to develop more on the plotline. Have some better hook to keep the readers invested in the story line.
So, first things, I can see why you had put in a prologue, but to me, it seemed more like the beginning of this chapter - and in that case a prologue may not be necessary. It might just make sense to put that as the first chunk of this chapter and then start off here.
Another thing I would love for you to work on is to create a hook to keep the readers invested. You have a start here, with the girl about sudden presence outside the school (which make me wonder : huh? Did she magically teleport herself? She has some abilities she knows not of? There's some portal in the school? ) but I think you can build some more tension and suspense into the scene. Try to better understand your MC so that the readers will understand her too as well as her interactions.
On formatting, I would personally avoid underlining for emphasis and prefer italics or caps. You could also try using adjective and other 'said' verbs.
I do like to see where this is headed and I was intrigued by the conversation with Ronnie.
Keep writing!
Thanks for spending your valuable time here, Lava. I really appreciate your review. Stay tuned for more!
Loved this story but wanted to point out a couple misspellings you made, first was in this paragraph.
“Ah! Forget it!” she whispered to herself. She turned fully to face Ronnie’s back, pulled up he hood over her head even though it was sweltering hot, and started walking.
You said "pulled up he hood over her head even though it was sweltering hot" should be "the hood"
The other one was here.
This remark reminded her of the reason e was so undisciplined. His parents were dead. School was the last thing he cared about. He probably just showed up to spend some time with his friends.
You said "this remark reminded her of the reason e" should be he.
Also wanted to point out how you underlined "you're" near the end in this line.
“Just get to the point! You’re wasting my time now!”
Not sure if it was on accident or not but it was underlined and I don't think it should have been.
But either way I still loved this story and look forward to the next chapters. Couldn't find anything else to nitpick at though.
Thanks kevin25a. The things you pointed out were just typos. I'll fix them nonetheless. Stay tuned!
Yeah I pointed it out since someone would eventually. But you're welcome I loved the story.
This novel was spectacular and like the views before me awfully outstanding. I thought it was very creative and well detailed. Absolutely no errors and kept me intrigued. Keep up the good work!
Hello there! I enjoyed this chapter a lot. It was rather confusing, but since this is only the first chapter, I'm sure you will get it all sorted out!
There were just a few strange parts, for example, " Their eyes met for a split second, and then he was walking away faster than ever." You had said earlier that he was moving "at a snail's pace", so how is he walking "faster than ever"? He wasn't walking fast to begin with.
Also with the paragraph, "He pinched the bridge of his nose, like when people have a headache, and then he sighed.”You know what? Do whatever you want. I don’t even care.” He sounded exasperated and annoyed. Digging his hands deeper in his pockets he trudged forward." You cannot be pinching the bridge of your nose one moment but then shoving your hands deeper into your pockets the next. Maybe just say something along the lines of "stuffed his hands back in his pockets"?
Last, in this sentence, "The jogging soon began to tire her; drawing fast and shallow breaths, she continued on." you may want to take out the semicolon and use "but" instead, it would flow better.
All in all, the writing was very good and I hope to read more!
-Falconer-
Obviously he pinched his nose and stuck his hands in his pocket afterwards. And it was pretty clearly state he was walking at a snail's pace for a few minutes then turned and saw her before he started running. It's clearly enough stated I don't see how you misunderstood that part if you read the whole story. He only walked fast after he saw her.
Thank you, Falconer, for the helpful review. kevin25a did get what I wanted to say. But, now that I think about it, I think it does make sense to write the part about Ronnie pinching his nose a bit more clear. Thanks again! Would you want me to inform you when the next chapter os out?
Oh yes please! That would be lovely, thanks.
Same here looking forward to it. Though I think it was pretty clear already to anyone who read the whole thing.
I read the whole thing... it was just late at night
And my scroll bar wasn't really working that well. I now see that I am mistaken and I clearly wrote bad review.
It's fine Falconer. Happens to everyone. What matters is that you are reading it.
Definitely intriguing. No time for a long review but keep me informed
Okay!
Wait! What is happening here? I can't wait for the next chapter. Nice story.