“Jenna,” Lizzy said closing her notes and getting up. “I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll be back okay?”
Jenna turned around from her seat in front of Lizzy’s. “Okay, but don’t take too long.” At her words Lizzy threw a glance at the other side of the room, where Ben Thornes was seated. He seemed restless, as if waiting for something exciting to happen.
He was not behaving like a normal person these days. His identity as the Principal’s son only made him look more formidable; a shadow of his father’s demeanor.
“What do you think he’s so excited about?” Jenna mouthed.
“No idea.” Lizzy mouthed back.
“If you don’t get anything while I’m away, save it for later, okay?” Lizzy said, out loud this time.
Jenna nodded.
Lizzy made her way toward the door and just as she reached the threshold the top of her right wrist began to itch. She itched at the spot without looking, and continued on her way to the bathroom. But, as she turned the corner, her head spun. The cool air-conditioned lobby became a whirlwind. The dim lighting became dimmer. Everything around her began to spin, until she found herself standing on the sidewalk, across from the front gates of her school.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, not too often that we start off a prologue with a visit to the bathroom, this has to be the very first time I'm running into something like that actually...so that's definitely catching my attention, especially with how everyone appears to be a little concerned about something, judging by the restlessness.
So, this sounded a tiny bit off, I think calling the fact that he's the principal's son an identity sounds a bit off? I don't quite know why but it just doesn't sound quite right there...other than that though, this is doing a nice bit of tension buildup here with mentioning how he appears to be excited about something the others don't seem to know about.
Okayy...not sure what exactly she's talking about there, I assume perhaps this has something to do with information regarding this other fellow excited but well, at any rate, this is moving forward now I suppose.
Well, that was an awesome ending there, that definitely manages to make things really, really interesting with them almost teleporting to some spot or something along those lines judging by the story moves here, and of course there's the itching, that's the first time I've ever seen itching occur before a character is just sent off into another part of town....well, this certainly manages to get me hooked here. Pretty good prologue you've got here
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there, I saw chapter 4 in the green room and since this is so short, I thought I'd check out the beginning first!
This is quite short, so it's hard to gauge much about the story. My first impression was that this seems more like a first chapter than a prologue. To me, a prologue should be an important event but one that's separated from the main story by space and time, and maybe a different POV than is in the rest of the novel.
I also didn't get a sense of point of view until the last paragraph. I'm usually looking for POV in the first paragraph, so I know who to follow and root for, so maybe you could put in some hints.
The last paragraph is pretty exciting, but I think it's been shortchanged by having so little build-up. It's great, this sudden unexpected change, a hint of the supernatural, a hook to find out what's next. But up to that point I didn't even know this was Lizzy's story. I think there's a lot of room to expand. Where are they during this conversation, what is the room like? What's going on in Lizzy's head, and how does she feel about things during the chapter? I'd suggest taking some time to show Lizzy and Jenna before bringing Ben Thornes into the mix, too. Otherwise it's like "whoah too many names I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be focusing on." There are also some opportunities to show more body languauge--what's he doing specifically that makes him seem excited? What's Jenna's posture and tone of voice like? I bet if you delved into all these things, you could double the length of this.
Alrighty, on to chapter 1 I go!
"Jenna," Lizzy said, closing her notes and getting up.
At her words, Lizzy thew a glance...
"No idea," Lizzy mouthed back.
...the door, and just as she reached the threshold, the top of her right wrist began to itch. She itched at the stop without looking and continued on her way...As she turned the corner, her head spun.
I feel as if there could be a tad more details at the beginning of this prologue, and the ending of this is perfect the way it is. At the beginning, I'm just curious of what is going on. Is this a club? Class? I don't know. We don't know.
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Thanks for tagging me. Like I promised, I am here on Saturday to review.
Looking at this, I really am sorry that this hasn't received more attention. From what I can see here, this is a great beginning to a new novel! Seeing as there isn't much to review, this may or may not be a longish review.
I went and peeked ahead at the first chapter for one reason. And that was to see if this is what should truly be considered a prologue. While it does bring out something that happens before an initial part of the story (at least I think the next chapter is an important part. xD) this isn't what is technically considered a prologue. From what I could see this prologue goes directly into the first chapter, and there is no period of time in-between the two. From what I've heard (I'm a little biased when it comes to using prologues, so this could be incorrect, but here goes...) prologues need to take place a while before the first chapter. Such as a certain period of years, or something that took place away from the main character. Usually, you don't have the prologue centered around the MC either. Generally, you have a character that is essential to the storyline, and will also be adding something to the overall story. A good important side character, basically. If that makes any sense. I've had experience with writers who even used their bad guy in the prologue. Up to you of course, and I'd suggest researching this in detail, as having a prologue that is actually a prologue is extremely important. Soo, I hope that made some sense. xD
I'll do a couple of grammar nitpicks now, and then see what my general thoughts were on this. ^^
Comma after okay.
Okay, this line doesn't really make much sense to me. Of course it makes sense, in the actual overall; meaning I understand it. But I still had to run it over and over in my mind because of the word from. Why not take out that word and put in right there. It makes much better sense, and it also flows better.
This seems... a bit too vague, perhaps? Why not go more into that. How exactly does he seem restless? Are his fingers twitching? Is he staring out the window, twiddling his thumbs? xD Since he isn't acting normal today, what is acting normal for him? Give us something to go back on, and relate this to. Let me know if you have any questions on this. :c
Since you are still using a dialogue tag, you would need a comma after idea instead of that period.
Honesty, while I was reading... the main thing that this is lacking in, is description. I couldn't really get a good visual in my head. I understand that this is a prologue, but still, there should be some sort of description. They're in a classroom, right? And since they're in a classroom, why not describe some of the people in it? Or are there any other people in the room at all? What's the layout of the room? What I'm really looking for, is a layout of the room. Basically, I was walking blind here. So perhaps you could hint a little at the following: people, where in the room they were sitting, maybe some small details on the room itself,ect..., Make sense? I'm really just looking for a feel of the room.
Overall, I did enjoy this as it is a good start for a story. I think this could serve you better as a first chapter if you extended it a bit and put it some details. Let me know if you have any questions on this. I'd be happy to answer them.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Hey Confused Glasses,
I loved your writing. I find it is similar to what I have read and how I write, which I like a lot. Even though what you have isn't much you still really captured my attention and it made me wonder what happened to Lizzy. And what part Ben Thornes played in this story. I would love to read more and see what really happens. Overall great start to your story and great writing.
-Roxie Rain
Thanks Roxie! I'll be posting chapter 1 soon. Stay tuned!
Whoa, nice prolouge. You did a great job on this. It isn't to long that it's a chapter, but it gets the suspense and excitement built up. I didn't notice any major errors, and the only minor mistake I saw was: when you write " Jenna," Lizzie said closing her notes..." There should be a comma. "Jenna," Lizzie said, closing her notes..." Nothing big
But, great story, can't wait to read more of it!
~Fire
Thanks for giving me the first review, Firelight. And truthfully, I do plan on making some fixes. Thanks for reading it. Stay tuned for more.