The heat made it hard to stand straight. So did the stares of the people. No matter how hard he wanted to do it, Ron could not. Some people thought he was a hunchback. He felt like giving them a teaching them a good lesson. He had planned on at least trying once he had turned the corner; he had had enough of stares and whispers. But, that attention-seeking witch Lizzy Crawford was in stride right behind him. He was more than annoyed.
The back of his neck prickled in the heat. The hood felt like a burden, but he had to keep it on. The sound of beeping horns and whirring wheels followed every vehicle that flew by, and a gust of wind hit him in the face every time.
He felt a sense of quietness seep into him. The kind of quiet just before a storm struck. He dreaded it immediately. Perhaps he should not have agreed to Ben’s request after all.
What now?
Every step he took over the sidewalk felt like an epoch spent moving towards something unprecedented. What sort of mess could he fall into? Wondering only served to confuse him more.
Behind him, he could hear Lizzy humming away to her favorite song. He found out a lot about her while keeping tabs for Ben after rumors spread that she had a thing for him. She was an interesting person to spy on, but the tune of the song was irritating him. Everything was irritating him.
All too soon, he felt his surroundings go dark, as if the source of light was being covered. He had seen this many times before; looked up at the sky to find the bright azure being draped in some translucence. The sun’s light dimmed. The moon peeked when it was meant to be broad daylight. The stars twinkled like as if they were always meant to. It was a part of being what he was- what he had- he accepted it; learned to ignore it and walk on. Because no one else in the world seemed to notice.
The sense of foreboding it brought along every time brought something else along as well which made him look up. Something felt wrong. Not the way it appeared, or the shadow it left his whole world in, but something else, and he could not put his finger on it. He could not ignore the lapping tongues of the substance slowly swallowing up the blue. It only covered half the sky now, the side with the sun.
He heard a low gasp behind him, and heard the light footsteps come to a halt. He turned to find a gaping Lizzy Crawford, looking like she witnessed a ghost, a scary one.
“What is that?” she croaked, pointing weakly at the sky.
“What do you see?” he whispered. He had to be sure.
“Some sort of translucent liquid swallowing up the sky,” she whispered, her voice rising in pitch as the sentence ended. Perhaps she was just as uncertain as he was. “I can see the stars,” she added, “and the sun looks like an over sized moon.”
Now he understood what it brought. He was suddenly conscious of all the ways people could harm him if they wanted. She could get away. She knew karate. She knew a bunch of other stuff he did not care about. Her father trained snipers, owned a shooting range. She was better acquainted with guns than her own friends, probably.
Why would she see the same thing as him, though? He thought about it. as far as he remembered everyone had a different illusion. Even if some parts overlapped there would still be major differences. Unless…
“Ronnie?” she called uncertainly.
He snapped out of his reverie. “This is not good,” he said. “This is not good at all.” He shook his head frantically.
What’s the meaning of this?
“What? What do you mean it’s not good?” She seized his arm again. “Ronnie, I don’t get it. What’s going on?”
He looked her in the eye, grasped her hand with equal pressure. “Don’t look up,” he said. “Whatever happens, don’t look at the sky.”
“But why?”
“I don’t know why, but this isn't a good thing.” He waited for the information to settle into her. He did not expect her to understand, but she had to stay calm if he was going to get the job done. When she still looked confused he said through gritted teeth, “You idiot! Can you see anybody else noticed?”
She looked around at his words, and saw what he expected her to see; what he had innumerable times over. The world around them, all the people, the street cats, the stray dogs, everyone was going about their lives without a care in the universe that the sun and moon looked like twins and the day turned into night in broad daylight.
She turned to him with horror written all over her face. The aroma of her favorite street food floated forgotten in the space between them.
He would have smiled sympathetically if it were someone else, or if the situation were even a tad bit different. He only managed a grimace.”Just act like you aren’t seeing anything unusual,” he said. “Trust me. It’s the only way out of this one.”
She gulped, and he wondered at how helpless she looked at that moment. And she called herself a Karate black-belt holder. He did not know how to assess her situation. She obviously had no idea what was going on. With the current turn of events, blaming him for it all was probably a logical course of action. He was one of a kind. To be seeing the same thing as him; it had to have something to do with him.
“You’ve seen this before, haven’t you?” she asked in a hushed voice.
“Tons of times,” he replied before turning away and resuming his trek. The gray of the gravel and the asphalt mingled in his vision from the not-day-not-night light. He trudged on, focusing on what lay ahead.
He had to find a way to get her back inside, if not both of them; fast. With the way things were someone would take notice, which was the last thing he, and he was sure she too, wanted.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Hi again! I like the POV switch. I love multiple POVs. I love the sky darkening stuff--very neat imagery. I also like the new information that Ronnie's been spying on her, it adds some complexity to their relationship.
I didn't understand the first paragraph at all. Is he talking about having a hard time standing up straight?
After the first chapter, I found it awkward to reimagine the setting as a sidewalk on a busy street. I didn't get that in the last one at all. I also wasn't too sure where this was timewise. It seemed like it was taking place at the same time as ch1, but here and there his comments made me think it was sometime before that.
I had to read this sentence three times to figure out what it was saying: "The sense of foreboding it brought along every time brought something else along as well which made him look up." Perhaps simplify or break up?
The paragraph starting "Now he understood what it brought." Also really confused me. Firstly, *I* didn't understand what it brought, but secondly, I didn't get how any of those things were related, like the karate and her father training snipers. I can see you're trying to for him worrying about how he could get hurt by her, but I'm not following the logic, especially since I don't understand in what way he's worried about being hurt. And would he really think guns would enter into the mix? Are there guns around somewhere for them to get their hands on? It just seems too out of the blue for me.
Overall I got a sense that you're trying to play coy with what's going on. It's fun and understandable to withhold the big reveal, but the frustrating thing is that we're in Ronnie's POV, who knows what's going on, and the result is a bunch of vague and cryptic notions that read a lot like "I know something that you don't." I understand the temptation to keep things a mystery. It seems like a great way to keep readers interested and turning pages, so we can figure out what exactly is going on. In a sense that's true. The issue is the execution and the balance of how much is revealed (and when). When the character knows what's going on, I feel left out of the loop, and rather than getting interested, I get frustrated. The truth is, if the reveal is as good as we're hoping it to be, THAT should be the interesting awesome part. If it's not cool enough by itself to excite us and make us want to turn the page, then something needs to be changed. So my advice is to trust it. Trust that the reveal is way more interesting than the mystery. Dropping some bomb at the end of the chapter is way more interesting than "didn't find out in this one, maybe we'll find out at the next one." Like, what if Ronnie had said, "It's ink. The creators of the universe are dying and dropping their pens, and we can see the ink leaking out of them across the sky." THAT would keep me reading.
Even aside from the big reveal, it frustrates me that Ronnie thinks all these things that I'm not allowed to get the full info on. What is he worried about specifically when he's deciding whether to trust her? What realisation did he come to? I don't get it, so I can't get emotionally invested in him, because I don't understand his emotions or train of thought. Consider putting in an extra sentence or two that are more open with the reader. Remember that you know your characters and your world a lot better than we do; I don't have all the same background knowledge so it's harder for me to connect dots.
Thanks for sharing and happy writing! Cheers.
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
Ooooh, now we get to see things from Ronnie's point of view? This will be so much fun.
These two sentences don't really flow well together. When it says he had to keep the hood on, I was expecting an explanation as to why, but we don't get any. We only get a description of what the cars sound like. I would've liked to see at least a little something that hints at why he needs the hood up, especially since it's alluded to that it's possibly something important. Also, the description of the cars doesn't really fit with his concern of keeping the hood up.
This thought and the paragraph it's in seem a bit out of the blue. They were both just looking at the strange sky, yes? So why is Ronnie now thinking of how people could harm him? Does it have something to do with the sky? I feel like it's important since it's here, but it's not really explained. It's almost like he just randomly thought of it.
Well now you've really grabbed my interest, if you didn't have it by now. I feel like we're still in the introduction, which is great. We're learning more about the characters and more about the situation they're being thrown into, even though that part is still a mystery. Ronnie knows what's happening, but there's no way he's letting us know.
I found it a bit strange that Lizzy didn't try to strike up conversation as they walked. I mean, she was just following him, humming. Doesn't she have more questions? Doesn't she want to know what he's been up to? She also seems like a rather talkative person, so I expected more than just silence.
I don't really have much else to say! This is a great chapter and it's written wonderfully. I really, really liked the description of the sky and what it looked like to everyone. Now you've really got my mind going in eighty directions, wondering what this supernatural power is/does that can change the sky and not everyone notices. You execute that air of mystery so well. I really love your writing style.
I'll be back later to catch up on the other chapters.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I'm so sorry I took so long to get this review done. I'm afraid I'm a bit rusty when it comes to reviewing right now, but I'll do my best for you.
One of the best aspect of your writing style (for this book, at the very least) is that I always know exactly what is going on. Obviously, I don't know the plot in perfection as this is only Chapter 2, but I always know what is going on in the characters mind. Right now, Ron is confused and irritated. From the information that you gave us in this chapter, and from what I can remember of the previous chapters and prologue, I would understand that he is irritated because he's stuck with Lizzy. From what I can see though, she doesn't seem like a overly irritating person, if irritating at all. But when somebody is in a situation and emotions are running, everything is a bother. But why he is confused, I am not entirely certain. I would assume he is confused because he knows that she can see the same things that he can? That would confuse me, I know. I think that this will be a question that I will have to find out the answer to in a different chapter.
One little detail that I would liked to have seen, is maybe have a couple of people notice her reaction to the sudden change. Like when she notices the difference in the change of everything and begins to panic, perhaps she could make just a tiny bit more noise, and then a couple of people notice? That way Ron's reaction is slightly more panicked, and she'll notice the gravity of the situation a bit more. See what I mean? It is, of course, up to you on how you want your characters to react and the like. This is just an idea of mine. xD I thought it might help spice up the moment a little.
This needs to be worded differently and have some words thrown in or taken out. It's not exactly phrased right.
Oh dear, is he upset? (lol sorry, but this sentence cracks me up)
I find this beginning sentence to be rather bland. Not perhaps in the idea but in the language that is being used. I think if you took the idea that 'the heat was making it difficult to stand straight' and put in into more... advanced wording? it might come off as slightly more interesting sounding. If that makes any sense. Honestly, I think it we use more interesting language in our beginnings to grab attention, then the better. Umm, hope that made some sense.
It's pretty obvious what she's staring around at, but a little more clarification would be good. Clarify what exactly she's staring around at; besides his words.
I'd get rid of that semi-colon. It kinda breaks up the flow of your sentence. Just put a comma there instead.
Honestly, that's all I can really find here that I would nitpick. Either I'm out of practice, or you're really getting somewhere on this. I'll do my best to get the next chapter done as soon as possible. Hopefully today, if nothing else. Sooorry, this review isn't exactly the longest.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks for the review Therese. I can tell this kind of caught you off-guard since you usually have a lot more to nitpick on. But, I'm glad I'm getting the point across. And the thing you mentioned about some people noticing her, its been running in the background the entire time I've been at this to be honest. But I resisted the urge, because concentrating on that would break the flow I got myself into. But, rest assured, things will get better because this is ony the second draft. I have tons of improvements to make. This is just the beginning of the revolution.
Hello again!
" as far as he remembered everyone had a different illusion."
Capitalization. I know, nitpicky. But I have more than just basic English corrections today, bear with me.
" She gulped, and he wondered at how helpless she looked at that moment. And she called herself a Karate black-belt holder. He did not know how to assess her situation. She obviously had no idea what was going on. With the current turn of events, blaming him for it all was probably a logical course of action. He was one of a kind."
I feel like this section of the paragraph is very choppy. After the first sentence, they were all short except for the second to last. You also jumped from wondering at her helplessness to her seeing the same thing as him. Try to separate two different thoughts or ideas into two different paragraphs if at all possible.
"Now he understood what it brought. He was suddenly conscious of all the ways people could harm him if they wanted. She could get away. She knew karate. She knew a bunch of other stuff he did not care about. Her father trained snipers, owned a shooting range. She was better acquainted with guns than her own friends, probably."
Why is he so suddenly worried about her getting away? Earlier he wanted her to leave, so what's made that difference? I assume this will be answered later, but for now, you've left with a completely unanswered question and I am, as a reader, unsatisfied with that.
Before I wanted to question why you did not write from first person, because it seemed to me like we could have a more personal relationship with your main character if you wrote that way. However, now I can understand why you wrote from third person instead. It makes a lot of sense. I can't wait to see where this is going! Once again, let me know when the next chapter is up!
Keep Writing!
Thanks SilliriaD! I'll look over the things you mentioned. In the meantime, stay tuned for more.
I certainly will!
Still loving the story.
Hi! I really liked this chapter. It was very well written. The only nitpick I saw was mentioned in the below comment by Dracula, so there's really nothing else I can nitpick on
I loved the description in this chapter. You did a great job with everything, but your description was clear and really stood out. I could picture each scene happening
Can't wait for more!
~Firelight
Thanks for reading it, Firelight!
Heya, ConfusedGlasses!Your chapter was great! It was interesting, exciting and a lot happened in it. Your descriptions were also great and you wrote the speech in a convincing way. I only found three nitpicks:
He felt like giving them a teaching them a good lesson.
Read through this and you'll see what's wrong.
It was a part of being what he was- what he had- he accepted it. Learned to ignore it and walk on.
The second sentence needs something at the start.
He could not ignore the lapping tongues of the substance slowly swallowing up the blue.
Mention that you mean the sky.
Congrats on being the first to review this chapter Dracula! And thanks for pointing those out. I'll fix them right away. Honestly though, I like the way the last two sound.