"No name, six years old, a virgin, male, no powers nor a tamed beast in his possession, came from the slums, but healthy." The man said. He was a tall man with gray hair. He was the one I was sold to. He was the lead of the auction that sold all sorts of things.
You may be wondering how I came to be at an auction, about to be sold off to some greedy noble, well here I'll tell you.
* * *
"WHAT HAPPENED HERE!?" My father came crashing into the room, a look of pure fury on his face.
"I don't know!" I wailed, my mother in my hands.
Today was supposed to be a good day, I wouldn't make my father mad and I would keep out of Diego's way. Then how did it turn out like this? Just then my brother came into his room, Velv at his side. Velv was his wolf beast that he tamed.
"What happened here?" He stared at our mom, who laid motionless.
"THAT USELESS BRAT KILLED HER!" My father screamed, pointing at me.
"No," I shook my head, uncontrollable tears rolled down my cheeks.
Diego stared at me "What now?"
My father didn't answer for a while, then, "We will get rid of you."
"What?" I started shaking, what did he mean?
"I WILL NOT HAVE A MURDERER FOR A SON!" He screamed
I flinched back, I didn't do anything though. . .
"Tomorrow, you will be leaving, and if you run, I will kill you." My father finally stood, grabbing my clothes, he dragged me to the basement, throwing me down. How. . .?
* * *
I was bathed and fed, and tortured. In this world, not having powers makes you useless. Since without powers, you can't do anything really. You can't tame spirit beasts or go on missions. That is why my father hated me and loved my brother, who had a natural talent and even tamed a spirit beast at seven years old, something only nobles and royalty could do.
"Mh, he would make a good butler." I heard the nobles talking among each other
"But hes too young to do anything, plus with no powers what good is he?" I heard another say.
I bit the inside of my mouth.
"Starting at 20,000!" The man said
"20,000? Well for someone so useless that is a good deal."
No one spoke up, in reality no one wanted me. I knew what would happen if I didn't get sold.
"30,000." I jerked my head up, the man who bought me was a tall, middle aged looking man. He had light brown hair and wore a black suit. He had a white and black arrow mask on so I couldn't see his face that well.
"30,000! Going once, going twice and sold!" The man yelled
One of the guards yanked on the chain around my neck, leading me away. I looked back and saw the man filling out some paper work. I don't want to go. I want to go home. I want my mom. The guard led me to the backroom, where all the other slaves awaited their fates.
"Did you get sold?" She was a middle aged women
I nod
"Such a young boy, you shouldn't be here." She sighed
Just then the man who bought me came in. Ignoring all the other slaves, he walked right in front of me and crouched down, to where our eyes would meet, if I could see them.
"Mhh, yes I made a good choice." I heard him mumble. He reached his hand out and removed the chain around my neck.
He then proceeded to pick me up.
"I believe that we wouldn't get there till dark if you were to walk." He said, almost as if he were explaining his actions.
I swallowed, where exactly are we going? I knew better than to say those words out loud. The man walked out of the auction house and outside. The auction house was really dark so I couldn't really make out what was there as he exited.
"Hold on kid." I looked up at him in confusion. Then he jumped, I should've guessed he had powers that enhanced his speed. I grabbed onto his shirt. Just as we started to move, we stopped.
I looked up, shakily, "wow." I breathed
I heard the man chuckle, "big isn't it?"
I didn't say anything. The house, no mansion, was huge. It was a white mansion that loomed over us, it was like your normal everyday mansion. I didn't know this man was this kind of nobility. He kept a hold of me as we entered the mansion, even if the place was ginormous, he seemed to know just where to go. When we stopped, there was a big wooden door, laced in what I guess is gold.
"Master?" The man knocked lightly
"Come in." The voice was a gruff voice, a voice that would belong to an old man that still had a lot of life to live.
When we entered was when the man who bought me put me down. He bowed deeply, "master I found something extraordinary at the auction house."
The room was huge as well, seemed like everything was big here. It looked like an office and a library in one place. In the middle of the room was the man. Like I guessed, he was an old man, with silver and white hair, he had a short beard and also wore a suit, except he didn't wear a mask.
"Oh? You mean this kid?" The old man, or master, said
"He isn't a normal kid, sir, he isn't even human." The man stood up straight
I looked at him, what did he mean I wasn't human?
"How so?" The 'master' said
"He is a spirit beast born to two humans and in a humanoid shape, but I know a spirit beast when I see one." He said
The old man nodded slowly with what he said, " I see. What beast is he?"
"I'm not so sure yet." He said
"Alright." The old man got up and walked towards me, he crouched down in front of me " hey kiddo, I bet you have a lot of questions for me?"
I shook my head, asking questions was forbidden.
The old man chuckled " then let me just explain, This man here," he indicated to the man who bought me, " is a lion spirit beast who goes by the name of Leo," as he said that, Leo took off his mask, showing slanted, golden cat eyes, " and he goes to the auction every time he can on my orders to buy anyone with potential."
I stared at him "m-me?"
"Yes, the reason for your potential is the fact that you are not human, but a spirit beast," he said "this happens very rarely. We will o what we can to help you transform into your true form."
"U-um," I din't know what to say, everything was happening too fast and my little brain couldn't keep up.
" So you are from now on will be known by b-47 until I give you a proper name." He declared as he pointed at my chest.
End of chapter
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Hi there. This is just going to be a quick review.
Overall, the chapter is well written. Some grammatical errors here and there but no worries. Try switching up your vocabulary a bit.
e.g. instead of 'he said' maybe mix it up with 'he observed' or 'he remarked'
I see what you are doing in the beginning (throwing the reader in the deep end and then throwing them into a flashback). It would be more effective if the portion of throwing them in the deep end had more description. Maybe describe the room you are in, or how big is the auction, etc.
The concept is extremely interesting. I am curious to see the spirit beast concept unfold as you write. Throwing in a form of discrimination/slavery can make for great development of characters and a solid plot.
while I do think your writing style can use more description, I really like the pace of your writing style the unfolding of events doesn't seem rushed.
Thus far, though, it is a great concept and a great start. looking forwards to reading more.
Thanks for reading
VengefulReaper
Hello! I'll review as I read and then do an overall review.
'He was a tall man with gray hair. He was the one I was sold to. He was the lead of the auction that sold all sorts of things.' - repetition of 'he was,' try to switch up your sentences. All vary the sentence lengths.
'You may be wondering how I came to be at an auction,' - okay, if you're going to use this device to do a flashback, maybe go into a little more detail at the beginning to give the reader a change to actually question where we are in the story, before throwing them back into the history.
'Velv was his wolf beast that he tamed.' - try not to tell the reader things straight on. You could relay this information in a much more interesting way. Show vs tell.
Okay, this whole scene passed bay way too quickly. What exactly happened to the mother. How did she die? Why is his dad so adamant that he killed her? Why was he so quick to throw him out without even allowing him to give an explanation? What is the relationships between all these family members? It'll be good to give the readers an idea of this otherwise they will get some severe whiplash, like I feel I've just experienced.
'I was bathed and fed, and tortured.' - we're just going to skip over this? I mean, this seems pretty important? The guy's just been tortured?!
So now we have an idea why his father is so mean. But it still feels quite weak after that whole scene. I think you could introduce the mother's death scene in a little later. Have a bit of calm before the storm. You can then hint at the father's dislike of the MC without stating it outright, then the MC finding his dead mother, and then the father going mental. It will make the scene more whole.
Also, again, this explanation for the father's reaction is told to us rather than shown.
"But hes too young to do anything, plus with no powers what good is he?" - see with this, you don't need that explanation beforehand. Here, the reader has been told why he's no good. You can then have the MC reacting to this, maybe a hint that this is why his father hates him so much.
'I don't want to go. I want to go home. I want my mom.' 'laced in what I guess is gold.' - you've slipped into present tense.
'The voice was a gruff voice, a voice that would belong to an old man that still had a lot of life to live.' - repetition of 'voice.'
'We will o what we can to help' - 'do what we can'
'I din't know what to say,' - 'I didn't know'
Okay, done! There's a lot going on here, and I think it would work better if you slowed it all down. We jump around so quickly it's hard to for the reader to place themselves. If you slow it right down, the reader can then get a connection with your MC before it is then revealed that his whole life is a lie. It would make that reveal more potent and shocking. With so much happening straight from the get-go, this reveal is just sort of lumped in with everything else.
Give your story and your characters time to breathe and settle.
Hope this helps!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is certainly a very interesting start here...there's a few things here that immediately get you asking a lot of questions and that's great to see at the start of the story. The ending is also a good one, it ends on the promise of much to come, which does make you want to read on and see what happens.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...well that seems like a horrible situation to start off with. A six year old about to get sold off...it certainly does manage to catch your attention as a reader though. I think its a good choice here for a opening paragraph.
Well that happened fast. I was expecting something a bit more drawn out but it seems there was some sort of very bad misunderstanding there if he's being accused of a murder he didn't commit by his own father...and well, it does certainly explain his current situation, but there's so much mystery now about what this murder is about and who actually did it.
Okayy...well I guess those nobles are the usual...completely not seeing this person as an actual human and just auctioning him off like a decorative vase or something....I suppose that's the standard personality for many stories like this one...soo, well let's see where this goes next. It seems we're not going to get the answers to the father situation just yet.
Okayy....well this is moving along quickly. It seems this nobleman has no distinction whatsoever about this one's ages at all...and they're just leading him to the house. Well, I suppose we get a good view of the attitude those folks will have. I do like that little touch earlier about someone pointing out his age.
Okayy...well now that makes things even more interesting. For one I wonder if the boy even knows this but then there seems to be no special surprise or anything on his face. The big question though is how did this person know it and did this boy's parents know it. There are so many possibilities being opened up here.
For a tiny second there I was hoping this man was actually someone perhaps interested in saving people like our protagonist here but it looks like this one just sort of collects these special people for some sort of personal use I would assume judging by how he refers to their "potential".
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this is a solid start I think. It could maybe do with some description sprinkled in here and there but honestly, I think it works as it is, it is the very beginning and we've got more than enough intriguing stuff going down here that you find yourself wanting to read more.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks for the review!
No problem!!