Autumn Chapter 4

Autumn 

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The golden and white female could hardly contain her excitement. Autumn bounded up the hill with her brothers and Lilly. The top of the hill was flat, with a few trees. Autumn flew over the ground to the other end of the hill. 

  "Autumn, wait!" She skidded to a stop but tripped over a stone and flew forward. She braced herself for the fall, but was surprised when her landing was soft and furry. The soft body underneath her stood up and flung her off. This time she landed on a sharp stone. She yelped at the pain but pushed to her paws and faced her attacker. Autumn looked into the eyes of her opponent. Luminous green eyes glared back at her. A male wolf twice her size - and likely age - with thick black fur; his tail was burgundy. 

  "Watch where you're going Dark!" He growled. By now their packs had reached the top of the hill. 

  Weasel leaped between the two wolves and dragged Autumn by her scruff back to the Dark Pack. River stepped up to the female youth, anger spread thick over his face. 

  "You never let them walk all over you like that; a Dark wolf fights back with all their might. Make us look good tonight." He stalked proudly towards the leader of the Light Pack. She was white with golden spots. 

  "Hello, River." She said neutrally. 

  River dipped his head in respect to the female Alpha. "Sun." 

  She snorted at him. "Perhaps you should teach your youth not to go flying into others like that. The Howl should begin on a better note next time." River laughed in response; the two had an okay relationship. Lilly walked up to Autumn, flanked by Lightning and Chip. Lilly licked her cheek affectionately. 

  "Autumn, you're bleeding." The golden she-wolf looked at her right shoulder. Blood trickled down her leg. It wasn't much, but it stung. Chip walked up to inspect it. 

  "Just clean it regularly and hope it won't get infected. We can't waste any herbs on you." Chip gave her one last look before walking back to Moon who was talking to a slate female from the Light Pack. 

  Autumn glanced around and saw the black and red male that had attacked her earlier. He was being scolded by Sun, his leader. 

  He rolled his eyes and Sun nudged him in the direction of Autumn. He lowered his head and let his tail drag. 

  "Hi." He said in the most monotonous voice ever. 

  "What do you want?" She sneered, showing that the Dark Pack was superior to the Light Pack. Nobody - especially the black male - would walk all over her. 

  "I wanted to apologize for...earlier." He averted his eyes, but he looked genuinely apologetic. 

  Autumn opened her mouth to reply but River and Sun were already starting The Howl. They raised their muzzles to the moon and let their howls ring out. The packs joined them, their howls creating a harmony. Autumn lifted her own head and howled. So did the red-tailed male. 

  His howl was beautiful, and it echoed in a way that almost made her swoon. It was wonderful, in a way that she couldn't explain. When they ended the harmonic howls, Autumn glanced back at were the male had been. He was slowly backing out of the crowd and signalled with his thick tail for Autumn to join him. She wanted to refuse and listen to what the leaders had to say but she wanted to go with the male. 

  Reluctantly; cautiously, she slunk through the crowds and joined him in the back. He looked back to check that she was following before trotting down the side of the hill and ducking under a rocky outcrop. Autumn crouched underneath, her belly fur brushing the ground. Her nose was brushed with his tail tip, and she followed it diligently. She was suddenly aware of the open space above her spine; she stood. There was a nook dug out in the ground underneath the rock. It was big enough to fit the two wolves sitting, but only just. Their chest fur touched briefly causing the two to pull away and push their backs uncomfortably into the walls of the nook. 

  "So..." Autumn started uncomfortably. It was dark, the only thing she could see was his green eyes, lit by the few rays of moonlight that reached back to them. "I'm Autumn." She whispered.

  "What was that?" He asked, seeming just as uncomfortable as she was. 

  "My name; Autumn." She said again, louder this time. 

  "Oh. I'm Winter." He replied. 

  "This is quite the little hideout." 

  "Oh...yeah." 

  "Why-" Autumn heard River call for the pack. 

  "Dark Pack; time to leave." Autumn welcomed the distraction and quickly slunk out of the hideout, leaving Winter alone. 

  On the way back to camp, Autumn tried to shove the handsome Winter deep back in her mind, but he was all she could think about. That night, she fell asleep thinking about his beautiful green eyes.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Vervain
Review
Vervain wrote a review · Fri Feb 09, 2018 5:44 am

Yo! I haven't read the earlier chapters but I figured I'd drop in and kick you out of the GR with a good healthy dose of critique.

I'll jump right in! Detailed critique at the beginning, scroll down to the end if you want overall critique and what I liked about the piece.

"Autumn, wait!"
Who says this? The sentences before and after both relate to Autumn -- is she telling herself to wait? I'm not familiar with the characters, so I don't know who would be saying this, and a dialogue tag would be really helpful. Something to clarify who's talking, like
"Autumn, wait!" her brother huffed.


Luminous green eyes glared back at her.
Maybe try to illustrate his snarl or something for us. Really make us see this male wolf glaring back at Autumn -- wolves have very distinct ways of showing their displeasure. Watch a few videos on behavior maybe so you can draw parallels to actual wolf behavior in your text? Something like "A male wolf growled back at her, his lips pulled back from his teeth and ears laid flat" or along those lines. Just something to remind us these are wolves and not humans in wolf costume.

A male wolf twice her size - and likely age - with thick black fur; his tail was burgundy.
Sentence fragments -- I normally wouldn't point these out, but this one's especially awkward, and too many can cause an issue. Just add a verb and rearrange a little and it works:
A male wolf twice her size - and likely age - towered over her, his fur thick and black, his tail burgundy.


female youth,
There's gotta be a better way to say that. "Youth" is a clunky word -- or you could just use her name instead. In an earlier draft, you can't be too obvious about who's talking to who. All these "golden and white female" and "female youth" terms just confuse the reader about who's who -- and they add more terms to a growing glossary of names for the main character.

Check out this useful article for more explanation on why names are more important than roles or description!

River laughed in response; the two had an okay relationship.
As a reader, I'd rather be shown River and Sun cajoling, flirting, joking, whatever -- show me they have a decent relationship, rather than just saying it's okay. Show them joking about the youngsters from their packs being trouble, and then being serious when it's time to get down to business. That emphasizes their relationship as being amicable but businesslike, which I think is what you're going for -- but I'm not sure, because you just described it as "okay".

Reluctantly; cautiously, she slunk through the crowds and joined him in the back.
Nope. That is not the proper use of a semicolon.

Autumn and Winter. How cute. Like they're meant to be together. I'm sure Winter won't die a horrible death and leave Autumn grieving for her lost lover for the next book-- I mean, that is, while it's okay to have nature-themed names, maybe don't try being so...obvious about it? Like, instead of naming him Winter, name him something that goes along with autumn -- what do you think about? I think about crisp fall air, a nice breeze, a cold snap, early frost.

Of course -- disclaimer! -- all of these edits are up to you as the author. I'm not the writer, so you use your discretion to see what works best for you c:

Now, overall --

What did I like? I like the concept in general. Let me be clear: when I was your age, I was a Wolf Kid. I. Loved. Wolves. This resonates in the deepest chambers of my heart. So maybe I'm a little biased. I want to see this piece be great and deep and wonderful.

What didn't I like? Besides my obvious critiques on style and grammar -- style is optional, grammar not so much -- this story comes across a little flat. We're inside Autumn's head, but I don't feel what she's feeling, I don't see what she's seeing. Instead of telling us Sun is white dappled with gold, describe how she looks in the light, or tell us how she carries herself -- do her paws land heavy on the grass? Does she stand tall and proud and move swift, quiet like the wind?

All in all, this piece just needs a lot more in-depth description. Instead of giving us colors and simple words like "neutrally" and "okay", give us real, gritty words that we can hold onto and use to build the world.

I look forward to seeing more out of you! Keep writing!

Thanks for the review!

User avatar
LakeOfCancer
Review

OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROMANTIC TENSION!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN SENSE ITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!! AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! While this chapter may have been a little bit shorter, it was still great nonetheless! I like how you described what it was like following him, how she felt, and how you didn't use "Autumn" and "She" the entire time, mixing it up. That made it all the more good! So now, I can't even wait for chapter five, which is great, which means you have a reason to write the next one and publish it TODAY! So getta typing friendo! I'll be here!

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CocoaCat
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