Autumn Ch. 3

Moon 

  The Dark Pack traveled through the darkness, white wolves like Moon almost seemed to glow in the moonlight. The territory was different at night and the youth were started at even the slightest crack of a branch. Moon observed that Autumn looked the same size as her adopted brothers, despite their age differences. 

  Hopefully the Light Pack would accept that Autumn was the offspring of Lilly and Red. The Dark Pack had lied the full moon after Dapple's death, saying that Dapple died during the birth and none of the pups survived. 

  "Y-you guys aren't scared, right?" Lightning asked his siblings. He sounded more like he was reassuring himself. An owl flew overhead, hooting. The brothers startled, their fur bristled, paws rooted to the ground. Autumn trotted ahead of the two, her tail held high. 

  "I'm not scared, Lightning. But maybe you are." The brothers flattened their fur and followed their sister. 

  The Dark pack had just left the forest and caught sight of the rocky hill were The Howl was to be held. The Light Pack was crossing the river on the other side of the hill. The full moon illuminated the white rocks, and the scattered trees cast shadows down the hill. The three siblings gasped in amazement. They scampered ahead of the Alphas, setting the pace a little faster than Fawn could manage. 

  River halted his mate and ordered to catch her breath. "Chip, Lightning, Autumn!" The three halted and waited for the alphas to continue. Moon yipped in amusement at the youth. 

  Chip halted when he say the Light Pack and looked back at Moon. She trotted up to meet him.

  "Moon?" He sounded as if he were unsure about something. Lightning and Autumn yelped happily at the sight of the other pack. "Why do we need to meet with them?" 

  "To keep the peace." She decided she had enough time to tell her student the ancient story. "A long time ago, we were one pack. But the Alpha pair disagreed often about how to run the pack. They later split into two different packs. The Dark Pack - our pack - and the Light Pack." 

  "Is there a difference? They look the same as us." Chip tilted his head in curiosity. 

  Moon laughed at his eagerness to learn. "Of course there is! They run their pack with more mercy for the weak. Here, we know that only the strong deserve to survive. We can not waste food and energy on a weak wolf. However, if you survive past being a student, you have earned the right to be healed if you are injured. Remember the poison berries in my den? We use those on wolves that can no longer defend the camp or make a kill." Chip nodded. 

  "That makes sense. I suppose there isn't any use for weak wolves." The two walked in silence for a few heartbeats before Chip ran to catch up with his siblings. Lilly padded up to Moon, a worried expression on her face. 

  "River, we'll catch up!" Moon told the Alpha before pulling Lilly aside. 

  "Moon." Lilly began quietly. "I'm feeling unsure about Autumn. I mean, I love her, she's like a daughter to me. But what if she finds out that we lied? She doesn't look like Red or I. Or her brothers; even her eye colour is different." 

  "I know, Lilly. We just can't tell her. It's for the best really. The less she knows, the better. As far as she knows, she is a pure-blooded Dark Pack female. Her past is-" 

  "I know; an Alpha and a loner. It would kill her if she knew anything about her parents." The white and cream females began walking back towards the pack. They were at the base of the hill.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Holysocks
Review

Hello!

Yay, a wolf story! Normally, I'm actually not a huge fan of wolf stories/werewolf stories, etc, BUT this seems like a fun kind of novel with a lot of betrayal and mystery and all that awesome stuff!

One thing I noticed though, was I wasn't feeling the whole eerie moonlit gathering, it felt almost cheery and not as dark and mysterious as I think you were going for. I'm not sure how you could make increase the spook factor, but it may just be little things like staying away from cliche's like character's startling at owls hooting and such. Maybe pain the scene a little different than what those kind of scenes normally are like. Make us unfamiliar with the set-up. Maybe they have to walk through a swamp and the youngsters are wondering what could be lurking in the depth, or even just if they're showing some mistrust in their own pack- that I think is the scariest thing of all. Here they are in a pack that poisons the weaklings- I would be a little concerned myself of messing up somehow in a pack like that, and I think that would really raise the suspense perhaps.

Remember the poison berries in my den? We use those on wolves that can no longer defend the camp or make a kill." Chip nodded.


I was honestly a little shocked- especially how almost cheerfully Moon said this! And did the youngsters not know before then? I feel like if that's the case, they would be a little more shocked as well- that's pretty big information right there. Also I feel like wouldn't it make sense for them just to banish wolves? And how do they deal with members who are upset and probably angry about their loved ones being poisoned? Obviously it's not a huge secret, if they tell the youngsters at some point.

"I know; an Alpha and a loner. It would kill her if she knew anything about her parents."


So, when two characters verbalise something that they both know, it can seem very odd, and rather info-dumpy because they really have no reason to verbalise it besides letting the reader know something. It's usually very unnatural sounding- you did not a bad job of it, but it still sounds off. My advice is maybe find a different way to tell that information- I'm not sure how, but I think you can figure something out! c:

In any case, nice work! I think you've got a solid story lined up here and I wish you all the best with it!

-Socks

Thanks for the review :D

User avatar
LakeOfCancer
Review

HOLY CRAP! SHE ISN'T ACTUALLY THE DAUGHTER OF LILY AND RED!? OH DAMN! Okay, so I loved this, so much detail and I felt as if I were Autumn!XD But anyway, I had no idea that would come, they saying that Autumn wasn't actually their pup! That was surprising! I would've thought she was theirs, but an Alpha and a Loner!? Wow! I can't wait to find out who they were! :D :P

So, I have nothing to comment on, I don't want to nit-pic through this and go through each word spelled wrong, because I'm not like that, but either way, great job! I loved it! I can't wait till part 5 is published! :D

Thanks for the review! Glad you like it! :D

User avatar
CocoaCat
Comment

Hope you all enjoy!
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