Note: This is HEAVILY inspired by the wonderful @Carina. Her own poetry (particularly "they tell me that writing is a form of art founded on rules") was so beautiful to look at--and I wanted to create something with a similar feel. I hope you enjoy!
Hey, Clairia! RavenLord here with a long-owed review! I hope you find what I have to say helpful.So I've already told you (off-book) that I love love love this poem, and I do, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put my feelings aside and look at this with the clear, cold gaze of Miss Viola Swamp (if you've ever read that book, you know she's nasty). I'll start off with the nasty stuff so I can leave you with a positive note.Alrighty, first and foremost: Word choice. Word choice is so, so important in poetry, dearie. You have some wonderfully charged words and phrases in here, but a lot of it feels a bit like stream of consciousness, like you've stacked as many adjectives as you could into one stanza. Perhaps pair them with the "face" you describe and flesh that face out a bit more instead of piling the words on top of each other where they can't do any good for the rest of the poem (sorry that was a bit harsh). My second point is that you seem to lose yourself a bit as you go. There are some great lines, but the flow is a bit choppy and your meaning gets a bit muddled along the way, though it gains some steam after "cubs are exceptionally broken." Try to see if you can make that meaning a bit more apparent for those of us who haven't gotten inside your head.Final, tiny point: "the face we fear the most" is a bit too blurry. Maybe make the m and o of "most" more clear so we can at least get an idea of what that last word is. It took me a couple tries to figure it out.Now, on to the good stuff. Girl, you have real power in your writing. The visuals paired with the idea behind the poem are stunning, and I especially love the line "And yet, as I saw the braving of my generation destroyed, how I mourned the face." That's a beautiful, beautiful line and the background really turns it into a reflective pause in the rest of the poem. Wonderfully done. Hope you found this helpful! Keep writing, gal!Love, RavenP.S. You gotta tell me what editing medium you used to create this!
Hey there !I hope you are doing great darling. I like reading poems and looking for the meaning behind them. Your poem is wonderful and can't say more.I never thought of this idea of your poem, that's fantastic. Yours words seem they are flying in somewhere in the sky while I was reading : down down down ... I like everything in it. In the other side, I felt how sad and how poor are whose your poem is talking about. I am waiting for your next writing with a big patience little Clairia. Luv yaaa !
Just dropping by to say this is very beautiful and I love the dreamy / magical mood of the words and background, I thought the lines "cubs are not won / cubs are broken" were especially interesting - and made me feel a bit like I was watching cave art come to life like in the movie "Brother Bear" - the voice in this poem is commanding and wise. I might stop back and leave a review, but really just wanted to say I think you did a great job! My only immediate critique is there were parts that felt slightly too illegible, but I'm wondering if that was intentional to capture the fuzziness / losing sight of the face meaning? I'm also really curious what medium / platform you constructed such a poem on - I've been playing with making a couple poems like this (also inspired by Carina) and seem to have trouble dealing with such a long image when I'm not sure what size it'll post on YWS. I hope to see more of your experimental pieces in the future! - alliyah
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