poseidon, in his naive rapture, sank below the deep
as the angel took evanesce, away and homeward bound.
thus a mighty god of blue green ocean was sentenced to
inconcievable odds, unbeknownst to his fleeting heart
for the vows of his crusade were devoid and hollow
borne from a soul incapable of love, promises destitue.
but this he did not know, rather, refused to comprehend
infernal suffering awaited another; his wrath unleashed
for deciet wore deep into the dusk being, and her black wings
would leave him lost to her, hellion fire ensnared once again.
for every love before met similar fate, as he became unsatisfied
but his blind sight was unforgiving to such an imperious beauty.
=
and so as her punished mask sat regally before a restless youth
consumed by desire and compassion out of an anguished reach,
though she longed to bring him news worthy, there was only crimson.
the fire maiden knew of the child’s terrible, binding end, and
as little as she mothered true sympathy, she cried for true love
for the fate of oriphiel was decided on her wellspring.
the infant was borne of an evil moon, omission of villain kronos
in exchange for the lives of her forerunners, doomed to servitude.
the birth of the lamb became slaughter for sinful hearts
of supposed offense; crimes they could not concede. and for that
the two-horned god, capture of tortured souls, chastened them
with a curse nil could undo; he vowed for the claret of the child.
=
black smoke rose from his horrible, heinous figure, its dark declaring,
“in sixteen years’ time, the child borne from your womb-“
he gestured to the mother, a woman striken with fear, “shall be mine.”
and father brave drew a sword glinted with heroism
but t’was sworn down by the might of hell. the god vociferated,
“do not fight. you are doomed to me. your legacy is destroyed.”
mother, father both, actualizing an acursed reality
drew back, holding onto shreds of hope nonexistant.
“please,” lady pleaded, “free the child from your chains of torment.”
kronos, however stripped of love from his posioned heart, spoke evil.
“insolent mortals, traveling realms to cleanse thy souls
hoping to unleash bairn from the hinderance of your sins.
the both of you bring nothing but intrusive lies of service,
and for that the child will suffer as intended.”
=
desirous fountainhead, parents defeated in their plight
so, the unborne infant would be doomed to her fate.
t’was oriphiel, cursed to a jeopardous odyssey
that insisted torment on her journey to circumstance
convicted to leave her beloved and kingdom behind
succor; for the lord imprisioned within an underworld.
prepared for pure ruin, child borne at last
within hellion flame, from her mother crest with tears.
sent above darkness into the woods of Ephesus, where the lamb lay.
a band of kings wandered far into lush thicket, stumbling
upon the infant, cold and pale. but blessed with eyes of the moon
destined kin of the throne. great men of Rome struck with grasp
fell to red killing over this gift from hell, unbeknownst, but
victorious king Guischard won infant pure, good in his heart.
=
new father of kin starborne brought rejoice to his wife
a woman torn from ever bearing a child. she, queen Astrida
gave upon this infant the name Oriphiel; for the lamb was indeed divine.
raised not beyond the bosom of Ephesus, encased within
the iron grip of mother tortured by thought of her lost
and father, however noble, insistent on love behind walls.
but child young became restless, only fourteen years of age
desperate for distraction of her reign, approaching fast.
day after day came suitor entranced by her beauty, but
oriphiel refused all her hand, for them she did not love.
as Dawn left and sun passed, her true moon rising high
the princess was lost to such refuge, leaving her world behind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hello again!
Obviously, I couldn't review the first part and not the second so I'm back.
I'm going to repeat some parts of my first review (and also Elinor below) to emphasize their importance: I strongly think that you need to not rush. Give us more context early on so that when we get into the nitty-gritty of the conflict, things don't seemingly pop up randomly. For example, Ephesus and Rome were only introduced at the end - which is, I guess, okay but you could strengthen the piece by spending some time laying out the land for those places (which, as we know, are very real and important places both presently and historically, so you should have plenty of fodder).
I'm also a bit confused now about when you capitalize and when you do not, since in the last two stanzas you do begin to capitalize proper nouns (e.g., Ephesus, Rome, Astrida, Oriphiel, etc.). You can't just choose to do that at the end, in my opinion, and not throughout the rest of the poem. I definitely recommend capitalizing proper nouns throughout, at the very least.
A few nitpicks again because I think there is some oversight with regards to spelling and vocabulary at times:
"took evanesce" <-- this doesn't make sense unless "evanesce" is the name of a character.
Should be "destitute".
Should be "deceit".
Also... is this end? It doesn't feel like it. I still feel like there is more to the poem. If that's the case, please post it! I would love to read it. If that is not the case, then you might want to ask yourself if you're justified in ending the poem the way you have. It feels a bit sudden as if you've only concluded the stanza, but not the poem itself. Remember that epics often have some moralizing aspect at the end and I haven't quite got that impression yet, as the reader.
Overall, I enjoyed this continuation in the Oriphiel saga, so to speak. Thanks for a lovely read.
Best,
Lav
<3 <3 I apologize for the spelling errors-this was pretty rushed
. And yes, there is more! I hope to be posting it in the coming weeks. Thank you so much for your review!
Hi again Claria!
I didn't even realize that you wrote a second part to this, but since I saw it (and there's still a little bit of time left in review day!) I'm excited that I get to read it. As I mention in the previous part, I greatly enjoy both your attention to detail and storytelling skills overall. You do a great job mimicking the style of the early epic poems, and I wondered if this was an original myth or a retelling of a popular story, as it has been a long time since I've engaged in any sort of mythology.
What I think would help you here is length. This feels somewhat rushed. the epic poems of old were long and went into a lot of detail. Yet, in spite of being written millenia ago, they are very accessible because they lay out the story clearly. While we all know characters like Poseidon and the other Greek gods, I wanted more of their characterization specfically as it pertained to the story you tell with this poem, since you do have somewhat of a twist on it.
Hope this helps and please let don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.
All the best,
Elinor
aa I didn't see this!! Thanks so much for the review, Elinor <3