far beyond the witchlands, across the bounding seas
over snowy hilltops, away from the mother creek
“share, O’ goddess sweet, your tale
of the brave, of the true, of the pure of heart
of all who have visited you within this sacred park
i fought many a foe to arrive here, highness,
and i shan’t leave unsatisfied."
the woman in question sits on a faulty, ruined hearth
seeming to recall an everlasting time in her prison
in which every damsel and knight had come to her aid
“do not take haste, prince. there is reason to be afraid.”
she sneers, with a glint in her cursed, fire eyes
gleaming with years of torment and imperious lies
=
“a girl,” she fortells, lost love a new aura
“a child of the cosmos, she leaps with brighter stars.
her hair is woven with silk of the angels - “ a pause,
a rememberance, tenderness in one soulless gaze.
“her face pale with moon, her eyes, the universe’s peace
and her lips, yours.” one prince, enthralled, drew near
“yes! it is my oriphiel you speak of, enchantress. is she here?”
regret enkindled in the fire queen’s sullen gaze
as she withdraws, shaken, and aware of her fate.
she cannot lie to this prince, fault that of the sea god
an ugly serpent, disgusting kraken, cursed trident of her slumber
for long, long ago, a child hungry for power
decieved him; t’was hark! the angel, galagaiel, entwisted
with a streak through a silver heart, darkened by vain
=
for the wave king was lone, prey to a victim tiding
a lack of the touch of another. he layunder
the light and foam of his dear, murky home, longing
as an angel, glowing with purity, rose from his sea
draped with angelic grace, beads of youthful beauty
speaking of eternal wealth through her bodice
his composure near melted; she entranced his hunger
and as she approached, he fell miles into her nevergone ecstacy
pleading as gently as a sea god may. “mistress, O’ queen,
O’ steal of a quiet heart, O’ arkangel of my entity,
take an old soul, prove him; is he worthy?” the angel spoke,
“earth shaker, ensnared in my own divinity, i indeed
could bless thou withst my immortality; alas -
all serenity comes with an unspeakable price,
if you are to pay, i speak in riddles; here is your sacrifice:
=
“i seek the eye of the thing you adore most, for its pupil
is the embodiment of what you see in my forevermore figure.
and the blood of your most cherished loverpast;
for her claret is but my undying reassurance that you are mine.
“and lastly, dear king, your own, beating heart
i will keep it alive; with it, we shall never be apart.”
the lord of deep waters, so without his own sense, replied,
“for you, my lady, the world,” thus sealing his fate.
so the angel, purged by darkness, rose with an eerie grace
and smiled, withal cruelty. “’tis your quest, now, love.
your journey to carry, your heart be pledged to deity.
return within a moon’s time, or i will be lost to you.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello Clairia. Happy Review Day!
I'll echo Elinor's thoughts about this being reminiscent of those wonderful epics written by the Ancient Greeks, etc. It's not often that we see epics, or good epics, being written nowadays so this was a breath of fresh air. Epics are probably one of my favourite types of poems, just because of the story and the rhythm to them. I think you've really captured not only the structure of an epic, but also its emotive sense. Well done!
There are two things I want to focus on here: 1) breaking into the prophecy; and 2) punctuation.
First, I think this was a bit rushed. In the epics I have read and enjoyed (The Lady of Shalott by Alfred Lord Tennyson being one), the first stanza or two at least provide some much-needed background information. In other words, they're setting the stage for the conflict that will be introduced later on. I felt that you introduced the conflict a bit too soon. The conflict you have is good and very well-delivered, but I just want to understand a little bit more about the context of this piece - if that makes sense.
Secondly, I'm not usually one to pick at a writer's punctuation since my own poetry is very intentional about the use of it (or lack thereof). At the same time, I actually think your epic might pack a bit more of a punch if you capitalized important characters' names (e.g., Galagaiel), words after a period, and pronouns like "I". It seems a bit odd to me for these things not to be capitalized in an epic, particularly when the rest of your poem employs commas, etc. where typically needed. Certainly, it's poet's preference so if you have a valid reason for not using capitalization, I would be interested to hear your justification since at this point it appears a little odd to me, within the structure of a well-written epic.
I have a few small-nitpicks as I noticed some vocabulary was a bit off:
Should be "remembrance".
I searched and searched and found nothing convincing me that "withst" is a word, even in old English.
Should be "cruelty withal".
Overall, I'm impressed and so thrilled to read a beautiful epic on YWS. Your rhyme scheme was on point and well-crafted and you have a great narrative here. I'm looking forward to reading the second part!
All the best,
Lav
Can't believe I never replied to this -- thank you so much for your review! Your criticisms are appreciated and noted <3
Hi Claria,
Happy review day! My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by and give you a quick review.
I really enjoyed reading this poem, and I especially liked the Greek Mythology/ancient feel of this. It's a poem but it's also a narrative that tells a cohesive story. It reminds me a lot of the poems I used to read when I took an Ancient Literature class in high school.
As far as the poem itself goes, I think you have a good eye for both storytelling and detail. The world that you build is clear, and as I mentioned you do a great job of evoking that earlier style. However, what I wanted more from this piece was clarity. It wasn't immediately clear who the poem was about or what exactly was going on. I think an additional stanza to establish the world could be beneficial for you.
Hope this helps! Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions! And keep writing.
All the best,
Elinor
Thank you so much for the review, Elinor! <3
A hoy hoy,
I wish this could be a review because your piece is beautiful but I don't trust myself when it comes to poetry.
I mainly just wanted to ask, does this have Greek mythology and angels?
If so, that is a nice mixture.
Yes, it does! And thank you so much <3
There’s an interesting story here, I like the idea of a Greek mythology sort of story, and it’s a very bold choice simply because of the kind of works you’re putting you self company with; works like the Iliad and the odyssey (two of the most important works ever created), and I complement you for that. Especially sense you at least manage where I find a lot of other young writers fail: execution. Of course, there are faults and a few things that bothered me. The first of these that I’ll mention is that there are a few awkward lines; the one that bothered me the most was this: “the woman in question sits on a ruined broken hearth” apart from being very ‘stuck’ (for lack of a better word), it’s too long, the beginning is really the part that needs fixing, I would rewrite it as something like this “the woman sits on a ruined hearth”. Another, and probably more significant problem is that you shod tenses at multiple points for example in the second stanza with these lines “... a pause, a remembrance, tenderness in one soulless gaze... one prince, enthralled, draws near” the fix here is pretty easy, just alter the past tense words to reflect present tense. Another issue in this realm is some odd syntax choices, like in the third stanza where you have this: “beads of youthful beauty speaking of eternal wealth through her bodice” I really don’t know what you’re trying to say here. Despite this I think you have an interesting idea here and really just need to polish things up a bit. I look forward to seeing more of this!
Thank you for your review!