Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
“I can’t wait. I can’t believe we are finally going to New Zealand.” Sarah giggled, holding Jack’s hand tightly as the boat groaned.
Before Jack could reply there was a huge tremor and an explosion.
She heard the boat groan and shudder as the hull buckled and flooded, ripping the boat apart. Smoke stung Sarah’s eyes and choked her lungs. She started to cry and felt Jack’s arms around her tightly. She buried her face in his chest, smelling his sweet nerdy sent. She felt the water rush around her body as the boat was engulfed by the South Pacific Ocean. There was a deafening crunch as the boat broke apart. She squeezed her eyes shut praying that it’d all end. At that very second the plane smashed into the ocean. Everything went a blinding white, she desperately rubbed her eyes, frantically looking around trying to make sense of where she was.
She fell to her knees crying.
“Am I dead?” She whispered.
She looked up looked up and saw a figure walking towards her. She looked down, wiping her eyes. She looked up and saw her dad who was standing over her.
“D-d-d-da-dad.” She mumbled.
He smiled and crouched down next to her.
“You’ve got to be strong for me.” He said pulling her into a tight hug. “Can you do that for me?”
She nodded and held him tightly, burying her face in his neck.
“I miss you dad… Why did you leave?” She said crying into his neck.”
“Don’t cry darling you have no need to cry. You’re safe here now.” He said kissing the top of your head.
“Where am I?” She said sniffling.
“Somewhere where you shouldn’t be.” He said standing up and walking back towards where he came from.
“NO! Dad don’t leave me again. You can’t do this.” She screamed stumbling after him.
Sarah tripped and fell to her knees. Sarah cried, squeezing her eyes shut.
She opened them and saw jack looking down at her, rain gently patting against her cheeks, she coughed and rolled onto her side spewing up water and blood.
“Ughh My head is killing me. What happened?” She said doubling over, holding her head.
Jack hugged her tightly and gently said. “When the plane crashed you got trapped in your seat. I managed to get you free but by the time we got to the surface I thought you were dead…”
She looked up and noticed the two other people in the raft, a girl about her age and a man
old enough to be her father, the girl was crying into the man’s chest.
“M-m-m-mum… S-s-she’s gone isn’t she?” The girl sobbed looking up, her eyes red from crying…
She had long dark blonde hair that went down to her shoulders, a t-shirt that was soaked and slightly opaque and she had black skinny jeans on. The man had short black hair and had a checker shirt and knee high shorts on.
“She’ll be on another boat I promise you.” He said holding her tightly.
There was a crack of thunder and a wave rolled the life raft nearly flipping it, jack quickly pulled the cover over them and huddled with Sarah in the darkness.
He fumbled around and found a torch and then picked up the bag full of supplies containing;
two blankets, one bottle of water, 8 ration packs, two glow sticks as well as a flare gun.
He broke the first glow stick and gave it put it in the middle of the life raft and through a blanket over to the girl and her father.
The man doubled over in pain and coughed up blood.
“Dad?!?” The girl shrieked.
The man collapsed falling forwards onto his face, making a pool of blood.
The girl rolled him over and hugged him. “Dad?” She whispered, shaking him. “Please wake up.”
Jack moved over and hugged her tightly, gently pulling her away from his body.
She howled and screamed, crying. He held her until she finally melted into his arms, exhausting herself. She buried her face in his neck and held onto him tightly, falling asleep quickly.
He lay her down, gently wrapping her in a blanket.
He wrapped Sarah in the other blanket and then lay down, holding Sarah tightly.
Jack woke up rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and looked up to see the girl sitting there crying, her knees pressed against her chest. He noticed that her dad was gone and her blanket. He lay back down putting his arms around Sarah again and closing his eyes, Sarah moaned softly and sat up. She quickly moved over to the girl and hugged her. “It’ll be okay, darling.” She said holding her tightly.
Sarah leant against the side of the raft and held her tightly, staring at Jack over her shoulder.
Sarah gently let go and smiled.
“Thanks. I needed that, my name is Ali by the way. What’s yours?”
“Sarah.” She said softly.
Ali glanced over at Jack and noticed Sarah’s gaze on him.
“You like him don’t you?” She said grinning.
“What?!? No… Uh.” She said frantically.
Ali giggled and said. “You so do.”
Sarah blushed and said. “Okay… I guess I do like him but he doesn’t like me like that. He sees me as his sister…” She said staring at Jack.
He shot up and looked at Sarah.
“I like you a lot more than a sister.” He said sounding flustered.
Sarah shrieked and fell back into Ali. He grinned and pulled Sarah onto his lap, holding her tightly. She screamed and melted into his arms, holding him.
“Anyone else hungry?” He asked pulling out a ration pack.
Ali nodded and Sarah grabbed the one he was holding, he through one over to Ali and grabbed one for himself. He finished it quickly and grabbed the bottle of water, drinking some of it and passing it to Sarah, she drank a bit and gave the rest to Ali. They quickly finished the 1 litre bottle of water, passing it between themselves.
The nights had gotten colder and they had all been curling up together in the one blanket.
They said had been getting rougher and they were all weaker. Jack opened the top of the life raft and peered out into the starry night sky. He grabbed the last flare and the flare gun, he fired it up into the Sky igniting it a golden glow. Sarah climbed onto jacks lap and kissed him.
They kissed for several minutes only interrupted by Ali when she threw herself out of the life raft.
He grabbed her ankle and pulled her back into the raft.
“What the fuck are you doing?!?” Jack yelled.
“Let me go she screamed.” Hitting him.
He pinned her down as she thrashed about, trying to get away.
“I’m not going to let you die!” He shrieked.
“You aren’t the boss of me. You can’t-.”
Jack cut her off by pressing his lips against hers, kissing her passionately.
She stopped struggling and kissed him back.
Sarah yelled and pulled Jack off her and slapped him.
“How could you?!?” She screamed, hitting him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do. Ali was lying there in a daze staring at the roof.
He held Sarah and gently kissed her.
She frowned and curled up with him, burying her face in his chest.
Sarah rested her head on his chest next to Ali’s and whispered. “They’re not coming are they?”
“Nope” Ali said.
Jack shot up, knocking the girls over, hearing the mighty roar of engines. He ripped the cover off and fell to his knees crying in joy as the heavenly like lights lit up there raft, bathing him in a white light.
The fishing trawlers stopped a meter away from the boat and two men jumped down next to Jack, tying ropes around the ends off the boat and winching it up onto the deck.
Sarah opened her eyes, finding herself in the white room, her dad waiting with Ali next to him. “It’s time to go darling.” Her dad said, holding out his hand. She took it and grabbed Ali’s hand squeezing it. The three of them walked into the light
Jack opened his eyes and looked up at the white hospital bed and saw the two empty beds next to him. He screamed and closed his eyes crying. The nurse came in and held his hand.
“It’ll be okay, darling.” She said quietly.
He sighed and rolled over burying his face in his pillows.
23/09/2013
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125,762 Literary Works • 672,933 Reviews
this was a really nice story !
the plot of the story was lovely. it was long but worth reading ... where did you come up with this idea? was it the way you were feeling at the time or were you just in the mood too write a story like this?...well there is nothing really bad to say about this, I really like it. Keep writing more along the same lines as this one yours truly
it was very dramatic , and descriptive
-Joshua
No idea where t came from.
oh crap reviewed the wrong tab of YWS *facepalm*
An accident. Oh brilliant.
Well... firstly this piece is very long. Secondly it is very dramatic.
I would comment that it is a bit cliché unfortunately: 'Before Jack could reply there was a huge tremor and an explosion. '
In most senses of prose, things don't just happen without a bit of warning or build up... and this is a continual theme throughout your piece. Obviously, it is a determining factor in your current style, and I would recommend adding in more description and breaking up some of the sentences when you get to the 'action' moments.
Otherwise, you have the bones of a great story. Good job. xx
I must say that this is a lovely story!
It wasn't what I was expecting at all, which I find rather pleasing. I definitely think that this has several good aspects to it. I liked how you portrayed your characters and story plot.
However, as a few others have already stated, the pacing is somewhat too quick and there is a slight lack of description. I believe that an increase in description of what is truly going on and why it's going on would truly bring out your story. I understood what was going on, but it was hard to envision how everything looked and that's one of the many things that I enjoy doing whenever I read a story. But, overall, it was well done and make sure you keep writing! c:
Hello!
I like your story, too! It has a great plot line, but it's going a little too fast. Have a little more backdrop to it, and it will be excellent. Also, make sure you proofread several times, as small grammatical errors could still through an easily confused reader, like me, off.
I agree with aliceceleste, I think I would have got a more emotional response if more scene detail was formed before the action! Over-all, you have a great story going on in your mind. Keep it up!
Hi, I think there is a really good idea behind this, and I like what you did. However, I have a few critical comments;
My personal opinion is that it started off a little too quickly, which leaves the reader a bit confused. Maybe set the scene in more detail before delving into the action? That would help create some tension as well.
There were a few grammatical and spelling mistakes, but nothing major. Well done!
Hey Chuck!
You know where to find me if you have any questions and keep working on this story! It could be pretty good!
Here as requested
Just like Shpealwithit said, your main problem here is pacing. Everything is very rushed and this in turn makes it quite confusing. What it feels like to me is that you're eager to hit certain beats of the story, the dramatic bits. However because you're hitting dramatic beat after dramatic beat making basically all of them fall flat. There's no tension in the story because we never really get to to register something before you're moving on again. Also because of this rushed pace you're not allowing the reader to get to know the characters at all. This means that for basically the entire story I don't care enough about your characters to care whether they live or die. Then when you get to the end that is supposed to be this kind of impacting ending I just didn't feel anything. It's a shame because there is a story here, you're just not hanging around to tell it properly yet.
I would suggest going back through this and probably simplifying it, which would kind of help with the pacing. There's a lot going on here for a short story. So maybe focus on Jack and Sarah. Pick three or four character or plot beats that you definitely want to hit.
So if I look at it I'd maybe fashion my plot somewhat like this -
Introduction/Set-up - Your story starts straight into the crash, which is a little disorientating (also on a side note you start with them on a boat and then they're on a plane? For a moment I thought a plane had crashed into their boat!). So I think you need a little bit of set-up at the start, this is where you can introduce Jack and Sarah, show us a little of their relationship and personalities. For example, I watched a disaster film called The Impossible recently and they had a nice piece of set-up at the beginning on a plane. There were only a few lines of dialogue exchanged but it gave you any easy sense of the family dynamic. Of the older kid tired of his younger siblings and hitting puberty. Of a sweet relationship between the parents. This is the kind of thing you need. Just a few lines of dialogue on the plane before the crash. Showing maybe the tension between the two because they both have a crush on each other but believe it's unrequited. That way you have something to centre your story on.
The Crash - This would most likely be your next story beat. It's the event that disrupts your characters' life.
The dream/the lifeboat - The bits with her Dad confuse me slightly. I assume he is dead and this is Sarah close to death? I think you need to clear that up a little or just axe it all together. This stage would probably be like denial, despair, shock. Maybe throw in some injuries there to add some peril and a time limit. Perhaps Sarah is bleeding out from a wound in her leg or something, which would hitch up the tension because there's only so long they can wait for someone to find them. At this point I would consider axing Ali and her Dad from the story. In my mind they don't really add anything that contributes anything to the story. It feels like the only reason Ali is there is to get in the way of Jack and Sarah getting all kissy.
Rescue - Obvious really. You'd just have the rescue operation. It's unclear here whether they actually get rescued. I assume obviously that Jack does because he's alive and in a hospital at the end. But does that mean the others were dead when they got there? So clear that up. Decide whether you want both to live, only one to live or neither to live.
The ending - So if Jack is the one to die and you keep the dream element then this is the bit where you'd let that linger. Maybe during the rescue you would hold some information back. Sort of like how you did here. Make the reader think that they were both rescued and then reveal that Sarah actually died. Something that packs a punch!
So you see the story is there. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to cherry pick these moments out from it. You just need to keep editing it but that's fine because no one gets it right first time round!
Other small things I would note are that you use a variation of the phrase 'She buried her face in his shoulder' an awful lot throughout the story and it gets a bit repetitive so perhaps think of something else you could say. And you start a lot of sentences with she. Let me give you an example -
'She looked up looked up and saw a figure walking towards her. She looked down, wiping her eyes. She looked up and saw her dad who was standing over her.'
This is quite a repetitive sentence. If I were to rework this to make it sound a bit better I'd do something like this -
'Looking up, Sarah saw a figure walking towards her but her vision wavered, casting him in shadow. She used the backs of her hands to wipe her eyes before returning her gaze to the man. Shock rippled through her when she realised it was her Dad now standing over her.'
So I've kind of mixed that up a bit and extended it. Adding in some interesting details, trying to delve more into what Sarah is experiencing at that moment. Just read back through your writing, maybe out loud, and try to identify the places you might be repeating and think of other ways you could say something.
Anyway! I have rambled for far too long.
I hope you find this useful
Bex x
Hi Dreamy here to review. I really liked it, it had everything, it was like a box of emotions all curled up and yet beautifully worded out. This would have turned majestic, if at all you slow down. It felt as if you were in hurry or something. You should buy some time, let the emotion or the dialogues reach at least the front lobe. You can start this by giving a short explanation about the sea, a two line description of the boat something like that. Or in this case you can simply narrate how excited Ali felt about the trip instead of one single dialogue. You got no errors as far as I've seen except for,
"........he through one over to Ali and grabbed one for..." It's "threw".
The past pace may sound good for a film. But when it is written as a book, you should make it slow. Other than that this is a very good story line,but still confused of how Sarah and Ali died. I mean they were perfectly alright till the previous scene. You can make another short pace of doctors working on them and leave it open and then reveal it with Jack's realization.
These are just my opinions which sounds cliche but it might work.
Happy writing!!!!
Cheers!!!!
Hi spheal with it here, good morning.
I like the plot line here, however there are a few things I noticed. Firstly, the pace of the story feels a bit rushed, like one event goes to the next too quickly. Also I was confused as to why you would say someone smelt 'nerdy'
It has potential, you juts need to fix the pace and a few grammatical errors, apart from that keep going. I don't like giving people really negative reviews as I know they can be off putting.
Hope this helps
Sphealwithit out!