Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
~Chapter 1~
Sophia squinted as the sun rose over the tall buildings outside, casting a beam of light through the window and directly into her eyes. She moaned and rolled over, burying her face in her pillow. Alex snored loudly next to her but she had gotten used to it. Eventually she gathered up the strength to swing her legs out of bed and put them on the cold, hard, wooden floor. It took her what seemed forever, but in reality was only three minutes before she had gathered the courage to stand up. On her way to the door, she accidentally knocked over a pile of games that they used to play together. He shot up immediately, looking around frantically while pulling out a baseball bat from under his bed. He saw Sophia and sluggishly lumbered over to her. She could easily run out of the room, but that would only make it worse for her.
"What do you think you're doing?" Alex demanded, now wide awake.
"I'm getting up." She snapped at him. "What does it look like?"
He grabbed a chunk of her hair and wrapped it around his fist, pulling her head back. She got a full look of his face. Eyes wide with rage, neck tense from fury. She felt pain radiating through her scalp from his grip and was already beginning to tremble from what she knew was about to come.
"I don't like your tone of voice," he said, pulling her head further down. His breath reeked as he leaned in closer. It always did in the morning.
"I'm sorry," she whimpered as he raised the bat.
Before she could even brace herself, there was a searing pain in her stomach as the bat made contact with it.
"Now let's try that again. What are you doing?" he demanded. The bat was already raised again, ready to strike.
"I - I was going to go have a shower." A shriek forced its way out of her as she was struck again.
He let go of her and shoved her back against the wall.
"You listen to me. You do what I say. Now did I say you could have a shower?"
"No..." she mumbled
He pushed her to her knees and slammed the bat into her head. He grabbed her neck lifting her up off the floor and pushing her against the wall he punched her the face three times before dropping the unconscious girl to the ground. About 10 minutes later she woke up to the ringing of her phone.
"Answer it. NOW." He yelled noticing that she was awake.
She scrambled over to her side of the bed grabbing her phone and answered it.
"Hello" She said trying to keep the fear out of her voice.
It was Kyle. Why is it always Kyle she thought to herself?
He hit you again didn't he?" Kyle said bluntly.
"No" She said raising her voice.
"I'll be there in fifteen, Okay? Get ready. Now" He said sounding annoyed.
"I have to get dressed. Do you mind?" Sophia said looking at Alex.
"Not at all." He said getting back into bed and watching her as she stripped off.
She pulled of her tracksuit pants and tank top exposing her undies. He walked over and wrapped his arms around her from behind sliding his hand down in-between her legs and grabbing her. She pushed him away and pulled her undies off and put new ones on quickly. She grabbed a t-shirt out of a duffel bag and pulled it on.
Alex failed to listen to her, instead crooning his neck into her, lips against hers to silent her pitiful begs.
Sophia choked back her cries, pained tears forcing their way down her hot cheeks. He was suffocating her, taking the life out of her, pinning her under him while claiming her as his own.
Outside Kyle had pulled up and heard the scream. He ran up to the house and found the spare key which Sophia kept behind a loosened brick in the wall. He unlocked the door but was stopped short by the security chain. He heard the whimpers from Sophia. He suddenly felt a rush of anger surge through him and he smashed the door down. He ran into Alex's bedroom where he found him pulling her undies down. He tackled Alex catching him off guard. Sophia quickly shuffled backwards and pulled her undies back up. Alex groped around the floor for anything he could use as a weapon as Kyle punched him. Alex had found a knife from dinner that night.
"PUT THE KNIFE DOWN." She screamed pointing Alex's gun that he kept under his pillow at him.
"NOW" She said pushing it against his head.
Alex dropped the knife and Kyle got off him. Sophia was shaking and there were hot, angry tears streaming down her face. The gun was still fixed on Alex as Kyle slowly came closer to her and took the gun out of her hands. She fell into his arms and he picked her up. He took her to his car and put her in the passenger seat. He walked back into the house and packed up her stuff in to a duffel bag.
"How could you?" He said sounding disgusted as he left with the duffel bag. When he got back to the car she was curled up on the passenger seat shaking. Kyle got in the car and hugged her tightly. He drove her back to his house and then called her school then his work. "Sophia?" he asked cautiously as he squatted in his garage looking at her in the passenger seat.
She tried to stand up but ended up falling onto him. He scooped her up and took her to his bedroom and set her down on his bed.
"It'll be okay." He soothed holding her in his arms.
She eventually drifted off to sleep in his arms and he gently slid away into the lounge and played on his computer for a bit then he lay down on the couch to read but ended up falling asleep.
When he awoke it was night and the room was dark he got up and turned the light on then went into the kitchen and started to prepare dinner. A while later he heard the door open and Sophia stuck her head through, she then came in and hugged him tightly he hugged her back. He saw that a black eye had devolped and it looked swollen. Her lip was split and she had dried blood all over her face from a bleeding nose. He went to the bathroom and came back with a med kit and a wet face cloth.
"Sit down." He ordered with concern in his otherwise gentle voice.
He knelt down and looked her in the eyes, then gently wiped the blood off her face and gently put the cloth over her swollen eye.
"Ow." She said as he put it over her eye.
"Just hold it there darling. It'll get better." He said soothingly.
He packed the stuff back up and hugged her tightly.
"I need to get going." she sniffled.
He looked angry and grabbed her arm tightly.
"You are not going back there." He practicaly yelled.
She looked down and said. "Well then where do I go?"
"You can stay here darling." Kyle said quietly.
"No it's not safe here."
"What do you mean? He doesn't know where I live." He said sounding worried.
"I'm sorry. He made me."
Kyle yelled and kicked the table storming out.
A few hours later she quietly slipped out of the kitchen into the hallway and went to his room where she found him sitting on his bed holding a bottle of whisky.
He raised the bottle to his lips and drank deeply.
She grabbed the bottle and threw it to the floor.
Kyle slurred and stood up towering over her. She shrank backwards and hit the wall. His breath stank of liquor.
"You don't drink," Sophia said, cowering.
"How dare you tell him. You just fucked up my whole life, you little slut. You know what, I don't care if you go back to him. Let him beat you to a bloody pulp because, next time he does, I won't be there to save your sorry arse." Kyle screamed and slammed his fist into the wall next to her head.
She slid to the floor and started to cry as Kyle stormmed out of the room.
Sophia curled up into a ball and drifted off to sleep.
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139,535 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
This story is fantastic! You do have a slight issue with tenses in a few situations, so you should watch out for that. For example: "He tackles Sophia, forcing him into her." is present tense while 90% of the story is past tense. This removes some of the power of the story. It's still really, really good though.
There's also a few moments when it feels a bit choppy, for example: "When he awoke it was night and the room was dark he got up and turned the light on then went into the kitchen and started to prepare dinner." This both should have commas, and goes on rather long. Separate it into two or three sentences. There are a few other moments in the story where comma placement could help.
Finally, I would like to note that I'm somewhat confused about Sophia and Kyle's relationship. This might just be my crappy reading skills, but is Kyle a blood-father? Father-figure? Friend? You mention she's in school too. College? She seems rather old to be younger than that. If you just clear up these relationships, it could work out for the benefit of the story.
That's all the improvements I can suggest. Fantastic story so far, really! I love dark stuff. I'll be sure to read the next iteration, please write it!
Well, this story was written really well, it expressed all the emotions beautifully, and easy to read. This story really drew me in, and I wanted to read more.
But, Sophia's character kind of annoys me, I don't know why, she just seems kind of easy. But I guess that's just how her character is. I mean you've written about her great.
But saying that, I don't really know much about the characters, I didn't see many describing words, so when I read it, I felt like that was missing. Would of liked to be able to picture them in my mind.
But, in saying that, the writing was good, and I did enjoy this piece a lot.
Sorry, that this is really lame, and didn't help at all. But, good job and keep working at it.
~Winter
Thanks. I'll take that into mind.
Heya, Chuck! Finally here to give you that review I promised.
First off, I'd like to start off by saying, WOW, your improvement is astounding. I've read an older story of yours a while ago, and after reading this, I'm just baffled by how much you can improve in that time frame. Your grammar is at the most part correct, the story is coherent, and your tone of voice is firmer and more suspenseful. I'm just blown away at this, wow.
Anyways, on the the review.
I loved your imagination and your main points. I can definitely tell that you have lots to say and you want to put them all into words. You definitely want to paint a picture, and it's a pretty darn solid picture I have in my head right now, so good job on that. However, I feel like there is too much action and too little feelings. Don't worry, a lot of authors go through this too. They get too excited about what's happening, and they forget to include the character's thoughts and emotions into it. Without them, the story is kind of stale and bland—like a black and white painting.
But if you add depth and feelings and a splash of color into it, the story would be so much more alive and beautiful.
Here's an example of what I thought Sophie would be thinking in her head right now:
Versus plain sentences:
Both these examples say the exact same time, but the first one is more vivid and colorful. In addition, it's more natural and it will compel the reader to read more, crave more, want more. Adding these details give depth and emotion into plain old text, and although it takes practice to be natural at it, it will be worth it in the end.
Also, I think the ending kind of bothers me. The story was really juicy and full of suspense, so when dummy Sophie tells Alex where she lives...I dunno, is that realistic? I know that there must be a reason to this, but I think you can embed it into your post less subtly.
Oh, and when Kyle curses at Sophie like that... I know she acts so ugh, but hey, Kyle was the hero of the day, so I don't think he'd suddenly blow up like that, haha. Make him angry, yes, but perhaps not a threat.
And this is just me nitpicking, but...why was that knife on the ground? lol
I also think you can make their age more clear. I thought she was an adult, but then you said something about calling in for school, so maybe she's in high school?
Anyways, I think that's all I have for you. Overall, this story has SO much potential and I'm excited to watch you grow and improve over time. :}
Keep writing, and let me know when the next chapters are out!
Thanks you so much for all the help!
Hello
This is really a good try to write a suspense romantic story and I enjoy this story but I was shocked somewhere when read this story because romantic moments are missing out.
Sophia is such a good character in this story. I suggest when you write these types of story again then include many characters like Sophia.
Outside Kyle had pulled up and heard the scream. He ran up to the house and found the spare key which Sophia kept behind a loosened brick in the wall. He unlocked the door but was stopped short by the security chain. He heard the whimpers from Sophia. He suddenly felt a rush of anger surge through him and he smashed the door down. He ran into Alex's bedroom where he found him pulling her undies down. He tackled Alex catching him off guard. Sophia quickly shuffled backwards and pulled her undies back up. Alex groped around the floor for anything he could use as a weapon as Kyle punched him. He found something. Sophia looked terrified when she saw what it was.
In my sense this paragraph is gorgony.
gorgony?
This is only the first chapter. There is a lot more to come...
Oh and this is sort of a Romance. The genre wasn't on the list they had so I just stuck those two in.
wow. that was depressing
I loved the theme, and your ideas were brilliant! you have great imagination. Throughout the whole chapter I was completely absorbed into the story. It was very well done and the suspense kept me wanting to read more. I wasn't bored once!
The chapter was very dark and I felt so much sympathy for Sophia.
'Sophia squinted as the sun rose over the tall buildings outside, casting a beam of light through the window and directly into her eyes. She moaned and rolled over, burying her face in her pillow. Alex snored loudly next to her but she had gotten used to it. Eventually she gathered up the strength to swing her legs out of bed and put them on the cold, hard, wooden floor. It took her what seemed forever, but in reality was only three minutes before she had gathered the courage to stand up. On her way to the door, she accidentally knocked over a pile of games that they used to play together. He shot up immediately, looking around frantically while pulling out a baseball bat from under his bed. He saw Sophia and sluggishly lumbered over to her. She could easily run out of the room, but that would only make it worse for her.'
I loved this whole paragraph it was really good!
keep up the good work
Thank you.