High Seas (Part Two)

Dawn unfolded itself in the heavens
as Finch bustled on the deck.
He cursed, net in hand, as every fish that appeared stayed among its brethren.
Gem, watching keenly, chortled from her place at his neck.

All too aware of his growling stomach,
he paused the hauling of his failed catch
and turned to finish tying off his hammock.
He frowned at his raccoon, who had found a meal in a shell she’d smashed.

Finally accepting he’d get no breakfast,
Finch consulted his maps and turned his mind to business.
Then, trotting around and giving his ropes a test,
he nearly fell overboard in his briskness.

“We might as well go to Lysander Isle.”
he told Gem, who didn’t respond,
“they’ll have information worthwhile.”
With ‘bartering’, it seemed, he’d grown quite fond.

After changing the ship’s direction,
he slept on the deck, in the sun’s rays.
From his face fell all tension
as he dreamed of better days.

The glow of the sky
and the rocking of the ship
cradled him where he lie.
That is, of course, until there came a lurching dip.

Finch was on his feet in an instant.
The world around him shifted.
He tugged the ropes- they remained resistant.
With a look around, his sleep haze lifted.

Lysander Isle had come to meet them.
Into the docks, the Moon Gem had crashed.
A small old man watched this from over his goblet’s rim.
On instinct, Finch fingered the dagger he’d stashed.

“Quite an entrance.” the man crooned.
“Good day, Sir. So sorry to disturb you.” the boy replied.
The stranger traced the boat’s engravement, an emblem of the moon.
“What is there left to disturb?” he dramatically sighed.

Taking a small satchel and settling the ship,
Finch motioned for Gem to follow, stepping onto the dock.
The old man watched- from his goblet he took a sip.
A group of children hovered nearby, eager for an alien to mock.

“Is there, perhaps, an inn where I can sleep?”
The man stared, and the was a pause.
“Nay, there is a farmhouse, if you can earn your keep.”
Gem peeked from Finch’s hair, shell still in claws.

Shouldering his satchel and thanking the geezer,
He took the direction he was told.
“Your name, Crash?” the man called, apparently a teaser.
“Finch.” he said over his shoulder, laughing- his elder was unexpectedly bold.

The road he was directed
stayed true to one form.
With wheat, dirt, and slow sunshine it was infected.
A blanket of growth stretched, and only by the path was it torn.

With no one but Gem in which to confide,
all his fears, hopes and memory
seeped through him and to his feet; he never broke his stride.
The soul of Finch was observed by the sun- bright and shimmery.

The upbeat hum of insects
narrated his stroll.
The long grass bowed, as if paying respects.
His stolen coin purse clinked as he stepped toward his goal.

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Points: 35774
Reviews: 1274

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Sun Aug 26, 2018 7:40 pm

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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there ChristenedPages! I see you're pretty new so welcome to YWS!

Overall, I think the story you're telling here is interesting and has potential. My own LMS project is actually a story being told in poetry form, though mine is mostly in free verse because that's my usual style. Anyway, I did read the previous installment and this one, and I think you've done a good job of characterization and plot even in the constraints of a poetic style.

Something I'd watch out for is the lack of rhythm/meter to go with the rhyme scheme. I think it's really common for people to assume that lines that rhyme will automatically flow, but that isn't the case. An example here is the first stanza, where the first two lines are short but the second ones are long. Such mismatched lines are hard to read. When I try to read this stanza out loud, I feel myself tripping over the longer lines and it doesn't feel cohesive.

Finch was on his feet in an instant.
The world around him shifted.
He tugged the ropes- they remained resistant.
With a look around, his sleep haze lifted.

In contrast, the line lengths roughly match here and this stanza is much more pleasant to read as a result.

The way I see it, you have two choices here: Ditch the rhyme scheme or focus more on the meter and structure. In many cases, I suggest the former, but here I think you do have some good rhyming that's largely not forced, so it's a matter of improving your structure. I see how having a consistent meter throughout the whole poem would be challenging and probably not work out so well, but I think if you were at least consistent within a stanza, it would feel more cohesive and less distracting.

Making Meter Easy
Marking Up A Poem
On Highly Structured Poems

Here's some articles about meter and structure that may be helpful. There's a lot of great tips in the Poetry Tutorials section of the Knowledge Base in the Forums.

Overall, I think this is an interesting story, but I would work on improving the structure so it's less distracting. Keep writing!

Points: 27684
Reviews: 386

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Sun Aug 26, 2018 11:06 am

Dossereana wrote a review...

Hi there @ChristenedPages I am here to review your work first things first.
what I like
Dawn unfolded itself in the heavens, I like this with a bit more words to is I think that it will be even better thoe
he nearly fell overboard in his briskness. this is really funny to here it mad me lough inside and smile outside.
what needs work
He cursed, net in hand, as every fish that appeared stayed among its brethren. okay I do not really no what brethren means. also I think that you are missing a word in this sen tins
Gem, watching keenly, chortled from her place at his neck. I do not really no what you mean by chortled it is a bit stranch this word.
Then, trotting around and giving his ropes a test, is he on a bot you have not really explained were he is right now and what it looks like and what is smells like.
he told Gem, who didn’t respond, Gem seams a bit rood to me.
After changing the ship’s direction,
he slept on the deck, in the sun’s rays. okay you need to describe the soundings a bit better the smells, what dose the ship look like.
That is, of course, until there came a lurching dip. how long was he ling there for until this happened.
Into the docks, the Moon Gem had crashed. I do not really now what your talking about here.
The old man watched- from his goblet he took a sip. what is this goblet thing I do not really no what you are talking about.
“Nay, there is a farmhouse, if you can earn your keep.”
Gem peeked from Finch’s hair, shell still in claws. I thort that they were on a ship it dose not sound like they are on a ship right now.

suggestions
1 for: Dawn unfolded itself in the heavens, Dawn unfolded its light in the heavens exploding onto the world.
2 for: He cursed, net in hand, as every fish that appeared stayed. He cursed,a net in hand, as every fish that appeared stayed.
Warning this did not sound like it was a poem it sounded like a story. so that is all that I can say, so keep up the good work, HAPPY REVIEW DAY.
@EagleFly out to seek and kill among its brethren.

ChristenedPages says...

Hey, happy Review Day! Thanks so much for the review! Sorry if my work is a little confusing- this was indeed meant to be a short story in verse, so I wasn't sure if entering it under poetry was the best place. Just letting you know, this is the second part in this story, so reading the first one: High Seas (Part One) might clear up any confusions. Thanks again!
-ChristenedPages

Dossereana says...

okay I will try and read it as soon as I can.

Points: 541
Reviews: 9

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Sat Aug 25, 2018 11:39 am

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Arpanekka says...

I can't review this one. You are amazing and well talented. Keep it and i believe you'll have much greater achievements in your future.

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High Seas (Part Two)

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