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Achromatic- Chapter One

by ChristenedPages


Chapter One

Reida startled awake, nearly falling out of her chair. She blinked a moment in confusion before registering her professor's voice and realizing where she was. Right- Psych 101- when did I fall asleep?

She shook her head to clear the lingering images of her dream and tuned back in to Professor Crowley's lecture.

"So this tree theory states, basically, that for any possible choice there is a universe consisting of the consequences of that choice. For example, say a buddy invites you out for drinks- the two main choices are to accept or decline. Now, there are many other choices in between those, such as vehicle of transportation or what you might do instead of taking up the offer, but for now just consider these two options."

Professor Crowley paused to draw a line with a fork on the large black board behind him.

"These points where you are faced with a decision are called 'crossroads', and regardless of what you choose, each possible decision creates a 'branch', or a parallel universe. Now, if you take in every single crossroad and outcome,"

He rapidly drew several branching lines from the original line,

"then the multiverse becomes like a tree, and you get infinite parallel universes. These universes may be almost identical to ours, and follow our branch for a ways," he gestured with the chalk, "or be on a separate section of the tree and be completely different from ours- perhaps with different laws of physics."

Reida chewed on the end of her pencil, racking her brain for the relevance of her Professor's lecture. She glanced at her notes- the last thing she had written down was a case study on bipolar disorder. Had she really been asleep that long? She sighed and turned to the girl on her left, who was quickly typing notes into her laptop.

"Excuse me, do you know how this is connected to our unit?," she murmured.

The girl shrugged, "Nope. I was just wondering the same thing. I figure it's one of those surprise questions on our exams."

Reida nodded as Crowley dismissed the class.

"Remember, your case study write-ups will be due next Monday- no exceptions."

Reida gathered her things and made her way out of the building, still thinking of the lecture. As she crunched fallen leaves underneath her boots, she wondered how many versions of herself there were. She smiled a little at the thought of a copy of herself with no student loans.

Suddenly, a pair of hands clamped over her eyes, and Reida caught a whiff of cinnamon.

"Hi Lucie," she barely concealed an amused tone.

"Hey, party pooper."

Reida's high school best friend stepped around to face her.

"What did I miss this time?"

"Oh, nothing, only the hottest party of the semester, maybe the year..." She shrugged and frowned at her nails.

Reida kept walking, knowing that no excuse she gave would prevent a lecture.

When Lucie didn’t get the response she was looking for, she sighed loudly and caught up to Reida.

"Rei! You never goanywhere! It's, like, a miracle when you leave campus."

Reida gave a sigh of her own, "Luc, I've told you- I'm perfectly happy not going to parties every single weekend. Or partying ever, for that matter."

"Sure, you say that, but seriously- you're lucky I've been your best friend for five years, or no one would be aware you exist."

Reida rolled her eyes a little and shoved her hands into her jacket pockets.

"I have plenty of friends besides you. Ones that don’t feel the need to stay out until dawn."

Her phone started vibrating and she checked Caller ID.

"Who's that?," Lucie peeked her head over Reida's shoulder.

"My Mom."

"Exactly my point."

Reida stuck her tongue out as she lifted the phone to her ear.

"Hey, Mom."

"Hi sweetheart. How're your classes going?"

"Good. How's dad?"

"Same as always- he's fixing the fridge right now," there was a distant "Hi Reida!," from her father.

She raised her voice a bit, "Hey, Dad!"

"Listen, honey," her mom said, "we're going on an anniversary trip next month and we were wondering...," she trailed off.

"Yeah?"

"Can Ode stay with you for a week while we're gone? He'd like it much more than the babysitter's."

Ode was Reida's eight-year-old brother, who had been called 'advanced' and an 'old soul'. He found Stacey, his usual babysitter, "lacking in diverse conversation." His words.

"Sure, that sounds fine. I think I'll be off school then- I'll check and text you later."

"Thanks, honey. I know he'll love spending time with you for a bit."

Reida's mother paused, and she heard voices in the background.

"Speak of the devil- here he is."

Reida smiled and talked a bit louder, knowing that Ode still held the phone awkwardly to his ear.

"Hey, Ode. How's it going?"

"Good!," he chirped, "I worked on my meaning list today."

Ode was into making a list of and researching symbolic interpretations.

"The color red is danger, skeletons mean a hidden past, darkness is mystery- um, cloaks are diminishing fear, and lanterns symbolize a wish for a brighter future."

Reida heard paper crinkling, and suddenly her dream in Psych 101 came flooding back. She felt a chill that had nothing to do with the fall weather.

"Where'd you come up with those?," she kept her voice nonchalant.

"Just a dream I had awhile ago. It was very vivid."

Reida made small talk with her brother, controlling her panic and trying to once again push her dream out of her mind. Finally, she hung up the phone to get lunch with Lucie before going to her Journalism Club meeting.

Reida slid into her spot with the rest of the editing team as Jerry, president of the club, signaled the room's attention.

"Welcome- before I let you all do your thing, I have an announcement to make. We've accepted the member request of a transfer student and have given him a spot as columnist. This decision has been made with a recommendation from Richard Hardey."

Whispers started to rise- Richard Hardey was a big name in local college journalism- once a popular columnist, he worked as a Professional Journalism professor at a prestigious college and had made a name from himself.

"Of course," Jerry continued, raising his hands to quiet the noise, "Landon Bramsey- the transfer student- will have to prove himself, but seeing as he held a columnist chair in his college paper, I think it's fair to give him a spot. I want everyone to be helpful and to show him the ropes while he's here. He'll start tomorrow."

Other than Jerry's announcement, Journalism Club was uneventful. Reida worked on finishing the week's paper and took it back to her dorm with her.

She heated up a microwave dinner- pasta, again- and sat down on the couch with it. She had hardly taken a bite when she found herself nodding off.

Next thing she knew, Reida jolted awake to the alarm on her phone. She rubbed her eyes and set down her dinner, which she was holding (thankfully unspilled). She stared at her phone: 6:30 PM. As she looked around and realized that it was dark outside, the significance of her alarm sunk in. She had a math class at seven.

Reida gathered up her books and, for once, chided herself for signing up for a night class. Lucie was right- she really didn't go anywhere- or get bundles of sleep to make up for it.

Reida blew on her hands and rubbed them together as she walked to her math building. The street lamps lit her way, but didn’t offer any warmth against the turning weather. She was lost in thought, and gradually became aware of a second set of footsteps crunching in the leaves behind her. She stopped, and the crunching persisted.

Slowly, Reida turned around. The lamp lights illuminated a boy with red hair, walking up to her at an alarming speed. The color of his hair sent a jolt of fear through her, but she didn’t place the reason until he got close enough for her to see his face. He was the man from her dream- her nightmare. He was the killer.

Against rationality, Reida started running.

"Your Highness, wait!," he yelled.

She heard him running after her, and didn’t even try to comprehend his words. Her only focus was getting as far away from him as possible.

"Queen Reida!"

Still running, she looked over her shoulder. There was a terrible moment where she felt her feet tangle and come out from under her. She turned back in time to see the bottom of a staircase rushing up at her.

Reida distantly heard a smack before the blackness rushed in.


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Sat Aug 11, 2018 1:30 am
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zaminami wrote a review...



First off, oof.

Just, oof.

I just read your prologue and, after replying to a few roleplays, I came back here to review your first chapter like you requested. Now I'm interested. Tag me when the next chapter comes out, k?

So let's get into the review.

First of all, you add commas every single time you end a dialogue. You do not, in fact, need to put commas every time--instead, you just have an exclamation point/question mark instead. Of course, when there's no such punctuation, you put the comma.

I hope that I explained that correctly. Moving on.

I really loved that dream thing. The prologue makes so much more sense now! However, as I said, prologues aren't usually necessary. I would recommend turning your prologue into Chapter 1 and this chapter to Chapter 2 and, instead, put a slightly unnecessary scene that would just make a little more sense, like an unknown character taking a class on magic.

I found the parallel universe thing extremely interesting. As a fan of that theory myself--I'm very into these things, so if you have questions about anything sci-fi or fantasy, you can always come to me! :) --I can tell you that it's true. However, I would recommend that you start with a simpler choice. The choice to go to a party is a little too broad for explaining that subject. I once read a book called "NERDS" that explained it perfectly with choosing between chocolate bars. I'll use the example of getting out of bed in the spoiler:

Spoiler! :
You choose whether or not to get out of bed. It might not affect your life, or it will. You might have an exam that day that is essential whether you drop in or drop out. If you stay in bed, you'll sleep in and possibly be more focused for the test. However, you could also sleep through the test instead. It depends on how you snuggle into the covers and how comfortable you get. if you get out of bed, you might be less focused but you know that you'll get at the test in time. However, this choice has consequences too. You'll either pass or fail because of your focus.

There could be universes where you stay in bed and pass the test.

There could be universes where you stay in bed and sleep through the test.

There could be universes where you get out of bed and fail the test for not being focused.

There could be universes where you get out of bed and pass the test.

There could be universes where you're an android and don't need sleep.

There could be universes where you're an animal and won't have to worry about an exam at all.

There could be universes where there isn't an exam or a test that day and you're free to sleep in...

and so on and so forth.


The dialogue of--what? The principal?--is extremely unrealistic. He would be more excited and cheerful to the students instead of professional and bland. <--- that is also an extreme cliche that you would do best to avoid. That, and the mean principal.

Wow, your novel is full of cliches.

Mine, too, are also filled with cliches, so I really shouldn't talk but kara you're making fun of cliches in your book you're fine

Ignore me.

Moving on.

Yeah, I wasn't sure about those transitions. Use a page break to indicate a change in scene, maybe between the hall scene and the... Journalism Club? I'm not sure whether it's the principal or what??? (if it's not, he still wouldn't be professional lmao)

Anyways, you definitely are a talented writer, with a few mistakes and the obvious cliches. However, you will encounter cliches in all the things you write, which is why I chose to make fun of them. Just try to take them down as many notches as possible!

Have a fantabulous day!

This review was brought to you by zaminami, in all of her gloriousness.

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Sun Jul 29, 2018 8:58 pm
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SilverWolf wrote a review...



I really like the first chapter! It is really interesting and it sets up the world or at least the immediate society that the story takes place in. I like how you have Reida dream the prologue it really connects it to the story and also makes the reader ask a ton of questions, which I enjoy because it draws the reader in and makes then engaged in the story!
The only criticism I have was that I didn’t realize Reida had dreamed the prologue until she is talking on the phone with Ode. I think it would help to allude to it in the first part of the chapter. You could also add something at the end of the prologue to signify that Reida saw it happen in a dream.
One question that I just thought of was why did Reida believe the dream, well looking back I see you added “ against rationality” but I think you could add something like Reida thinking the dream was unusually vivid or something else to insinuate that it wasn’t a normal dream.
I think it was a really good first chapter and the characters were set up very well!






Thanks again for the review! Really helps :)



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Wed Jul 18, 2018 1:23 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!! :D

I always like when first chapters give us the opportunity to see what "normal" life is like for the main characters before things start getting intense and the plot really starts going, while also opening the first door to the plot and getting us started on the action. And that's what you did in this chapter!

I liked the connection from what happened in the prologue to this chapter - that it's a dream that Reida had (reminds me of Harry Potter 4 when Harry dreamed about Frank Bryce dying in the Riddle House). And I like that you planted the seed that there could be more going on with this dream than meets the eye based on what the brother told her the meaning of a skeleton could be.

One thing that was missing for me in this chapter was a sense of place. Now, I'm hardly one to talk when I mention sense of place to people because descriptions are always something I have to force myself to go back and add :p As you revise this chapter, I'd think about adding in more descriptions about where we are and what the surroundings look like and how the characters are interacting with their surroundings. That will especially help as you transition from scene to scene that you describe one setting and they move into another setting. But this is something you can continue to build upon as you write and revise :)

My only other thought for this chapter is that quite few different things happen. It's fine to have full chapters with lots going on, but I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to be focusing on and what the main idea of the chapter is. Obviously at the end when the red-haired guy finds her is going to be essential to the plot. Before that, while it was nice to watch Reida go through her day, I was also left wondering when the action was going to start. Maybe focus on one important event prior to the red-haired man coming and really develop that and use that moment to introduce us to Reida and Lucie and maybe some other major players so you can spend more time on that scene and then get to the red-haired man stuff faster.

Also, I forgot to mention psych 101 <3 <3 (I was a psych major) and I looooove that you spelled her name as Lucie <3 <3

You've got a lot of moving parts to this story already, which is exciting! I hope you continue to work on this story! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback on that I didn't mention! :D






Thank you!! Your comments are very helpful :) just letting you know, I've already posted Chapter Two- don't feel like you have to go and review it, but just throwing that out there



Carlito says...


Once I get caught up on the LMS stories I'm following I'll go give it a look! :)



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Sat Jul 14, 2018 5:20 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review today, and I have to say I really like your username!

Overall, I quite liked this first chapter as well. It starts off a little bit slowly, but it's not bad at all.

She smiled a little at the thought of a copy of herself with no student loans.

I liked this line a lot - it's a good tie-in to the lecture and is a small insight into her character that still says a lot about her - she's thoughtful and speculative.

Lucie I kind of found annoying, but I feel like that's the point. Ode is my other favorite character so far, just because I have a soft spot for kid genius characters. I think one of your strengths here is definitely your characters.

The main bit of critique I have for you is actually the order of your scenes here. Basically, you introduce these different conflicts one by one - the dream, then her friend's nagging about going to parties, then her gifted brother coming to stay and him having had the same exact dream, then... some new transfer student in Journalism Club? Especially because right after that, we have the bombshell - a weird guy calling her Queen Reida, having that Journalism Club scene, as well as her making dinner, slotted in there just felt really weird pacing-wise to me. You want to lead in with something interesting, ramp up the tension step by step, then bam - end of first chapter, and the readers are hooked.

So, the fact that her brother had the same dream as her, combined with this weird guy in her dorm, are both good hooks in that regard. But having all of that stuff in between feels like filler and totally destroyed the tension for me. I think it would work a lot better if she was talking to Ode, and then immediately after she hung up, the man showed up. If you really need the Journalism Club scene for foreshadowing reasons, I think it would fit fine earlier in the chapter, after she talks to Lucie.

The other thing I might recommend is to just ask yourself how much of each of the little scenes you really need. This'll depend a lot on how important Lucie or any of the college stuff is to the upcoming story, but a good candidate for trimming would be the professor's lecture at the beginning, for example (although I suspect it may be foreshadowing :P). The sooner you can establish character and get the reader into the action, the better!

And I think that's about all I've got! Again, this is a pretty great start, and I was definitely hooked by the end! I love reading about characters thrust into fantasy worlds as well as characters being queens, and that's what I'm guessing is going on so far. :D Good luck with this, and keep writing!






Thank you so much for the review :) it really helps. I also have a Prologue, just in case you haven't read it, and it may give some more background for the red haired man. Anyways, will keep you updated as soon as I post Chapter 2- I'd love to hear what you think! Thanks again! <3



Mea says...


Awesome! I'm glad I could help. :D





I just posted the second chapter, if you want to check it out :D



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Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:19 am
neptune wrote a review...



Hey there!

Some nitpicks & comments:

So this tree theory states, basically, that for any possible choice there is a universe consisting of the consequences of that choice.

"Basically" doesn't seem like a word a professor would use? I just feel like when I think of a professor, I think of larger vocabulary words, and not something like "basically". Unless that was the vibe you were going for, I think an alternative word might represent the professor better.

"These points where you are faced with a decision are called 'crossroads', and regardless of what you choose, each possible decision creates a 'branch', or a parallel universe. Now, if you take in every single crossroad and outcome,"

When the dialogue is interrupted by the professor drawing lines on the chalkboard, I feel like it's more appropriate to use dashes rather than commas.

"What did I miss this time?"

It's kind of unclear who says this? For all I know, it could be Reida or Lucie.

"Rei! You never goanywhere! It's, like, a miracle when you leave campus."

Oops! There should be a space between "go" and "anywhere".

Other than Jerry's announcement, Journalism Club was uneventful. Reida worked on finishing the week's paper and took it back to her dorm with her.

I think this paragraph is unnecessary -- it's pretty telly and doesn't really affect the plot in any way (that I know of). It seems as though you are using it as a form of transition into the next paragraph (where Reida is making dinner) but I think there is an alternative to this, that might work better as a transition.

1) You could start the next paragraph with "When Reida got home..." and continue on to talk about her making dinner. It's a simple transition to start the paragraph off. Change the tone, emotion, and feeling in this scene. Is she exhausted from school? I'm not getting much from Reida, and as a reader, it is great to know her through her thoughts. This also helps establish a new setting and time.

2) Use the same transition "When Reida got home..." (or something similar) and describe her house. If it's Reida's home, the reader should get comfortable with it. What does it look like? What is the lighting like? Is it clean, messy?

He was the killer.

Killer? Of who? :O OHhhh

There was a terrible moment where she felt her feet tangle and come out from under her.

This is very...confusing. What happened, exactly? The way this is worded is puzzling. Did she just trip on her feet, or on something else? It's baffling because it's worded strangely, and I feel like there might be a more clear version of saying this? Also, "there was a terrible moment where" could be replaced by something like "suddenly". It's an awkward phrase with the rest of the sentence.

Final thoughts:

What an ending! I loved the last sentence. I'm definitely hooked on for the next chapter, though I'll have to admit the last line was a little hackneyed. I think it's used a lot as cliffhangers. Although it does make for a good ending, I'd encourage you to experiment with this last sentence, because there are some other potential scenarios you can switch to for a good ending. For example -- the man can catch up to her before she trips (?) or he can say something that makes her stop in shock, etc. The only reason I'm mentioning this is for originality's sake.

I liked the description. You didn't have an abundance of it in any particular region, but where you did have it, it was pretty good! I'd say don't be shy to add a little more here and there. I'd also like to see some emotion from Reida. She's getting these nightmares and visions and all I see is that she's "jolting awake" which doesn't really portray any character? What does she feel after the visions/nightmares? I do like how I'm seeing more emotion at the end of the chapter.

The man with red hair! He seems like an interesting character. I'd like to see how his character plays a part in the plot because he's very intriguing!

Well, that is all for the review. I hope this helped in some way! I enjoyed reading this, and if you'd like a review on further chapters, you know who to contact! If you have any questions, please let me know! (Also let me know if this review helped at all)






Thank you so much! This helped a lot. I always have trouble writing first/introduction chapters- I'm better at describing action than the mundane lol. I'm not sure if you've read the Prologue to this Chapter- it might clear up a little bit concerning the red haired man and her dream. :)





I just posted the second chapter, if you want to check it out :D




If I were a girl in a book, this would all be so easy.
— Jo March