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Achromatic- Prologue

by ChristenedPages


Achromatic

~Prologue~

A dark figure concealed in a cloak let himself into a shadowed room, closing the door behind him. A small lantern on a table in the center did little to illuminate the room. It did, however, reveal most of the face of a man sitting close by. He was not quite middle-aged, with a full beard and a weary expression on his face. A very quiet conversation followed the entrance of the cloaked man.

"Does anyone know you came to see me?," the man in the cloak did not sit down, though there was a chair across the table.

"No. I followed the instructions in the ad. Not sure I'd want my family knowing anyways- they're like most folk- don't trust magic."

The man in the cloak turned away then, and the light of the lantern caught his profile. A forlorn expression played on his features.

"They're justified in doing so," he said softly.

"What was that, sir?"

The cloaked man turned back to his guest, once again shrouded.

"Never mind. Have you thought that it might be dangerous, coming here?," he said.

"Mister, you know how it is these days. Dangerous going most anywhere. There's something unsettling folk, makin' 'em question the Queen's silence. Something brewing."

The cloaked man made a small noise of acknowledgement.

"Ne'er mind that, eh, I believe you promised information through your advertisement Magical protection, if I may be so bold as to remind you."

The cloaked man stepped closer beside his seated guest, slipping a piece of parchment from the folds in his cloak. He showed it to the other man.

"This is the cause."

"That?," he stared, incredulous, "is this some sort of joke? That's a-"

He stopped speaking and let out a small gasp. A knife protruded from the bearded man's chest, and he looked at it in disbelief. His eyes followed the hand at the hilt and up to its owner.

The cloaked man pulled his dagger from the man's chest, causing his body to slide out of the chair. He wiped his blade clean, sheathed it, and slipped off his cloak. Stepping into the light, he laid the cloak over his victim.

The lantern's light now exposed the killer's rusty hair and cast shadows on his pale face, making his brown eyes look nearly black. He was young, too young to have killed a man.

"Last one," he whispered to himself, stepping over the body and closer to the lantern.

The rust-haired man started mumbling an incantation and the lantern blew out. The glow of the candlelight was replaced with an eerie red glow. A sudden wind rushed into the room, howling incessantly. As soon as it started, the chanting stopped. Darkness came in through every crack.

The red-haired man was swallowed by the darkness before it scattered. He stood there, only a silhouette in the absence of the red glow. After several seconds, he lit the lantern once more and left the room.

A small breeze stirred the room, and a corner of the cloak lifted. The corpse had been reduced to a skeleton.


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Sat Aug 11, 2018 1:09 am
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zaminami wrote a review...



Yo! You asked me to review, so I shall! If you want me to review more of your works you're welcome to consult my thread!

So, reading your prologue, I've decided to keep it short and sweet. I just want to let you know that prologues aren't generally read on YWS due to the fact that they're extra scenes just make things make a tiny bit more sense in the book, the same as the epilogue. So I'll probably take a little more time on the actual chapters than this one.

At first glance, this seems extremely cliche. Not as cliche as "Throne of Glass," mind you, but still really cliche. The assassin dude comes in to a secret meeting, kills person in secret meeting, and then disappears. I've seen this type of prologue over and over again. Therefore, you might want to change it to a different scene as to not turn your reader off (not in that way, kara. stop having your mind in the gutter).

I also noticed, like some other reviewers, that you tend to repeat words. Now, I am a red-haired person as well (at least my human form ;) ) and I know quite a few other words to describe us. Maybe use the short slangs, like "ginger"? People will still understand. It's a quick Google search :D also, you could use stronger words, since I get the impression that this is aimed for older kids who could understand said words. Of course, you don't need to use super long words like "supercalifragiliciousexpialidocious" or however you spell it but you know what I mean.

You also use the word red a lot. Grell Sutcliff approves, but I do not. Use another word, like some type of shade of red. If you need more help, consult me. I'm an artist who uses said red shades a lot in their work lmao

Overall, this was an amazing prologue, but you could definitely use a little bit of work on it. I was amazed at your writing style (really love it, though it's a bit choppy but that's a problem solved over time) and you're obviously a natural, but you do need to work on it. Don't be a Sarah J. Maas :)

Have a fantabulous day!

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Sat Aug 04, 2018 4:18 am
artemis15sc wrote a review...



Hiya! Just wanted to return the favor for that awesome review you left for me.

Overall this was a great prologue. I love the mystery you built here. I feel like you had a great balance between giving us enough information that we weren't bored but leaving us with enough questions to want to keep reading.

I liked your writing style as well, it has a nice flow to it. There were a couple of things that messed with that flow though.



" A knife protruded from the bearded man's chest, and he looked at it in disbelief." I feel like this sentence is a little weaker than some of the others. I think it's mostly a word choice issue, since you've been getting pretty crafty with your diction. Maybe find words stronger than "looked" and disbelief?

"I believe you promised information through your advertisement Magical protection, if I may be so bold as to remind you." I feel like there's something wrong here, unless the advertisement is named Magical Protection, in which case the P should be capitalized.



My biggest concern is just that I was a little confused about who was who and who killed who and who died. Reading through the second time made more sense, but maybe give us a little more description of what these people look like so they feel a little more concrete. I think the other problem is neither of them have names, and sometimes when they are both "he" and "man" I get confused. Maybe find some strong adjectives to tie to them? Also at one point I thought there were three people, so maybe just clarify that there really are only two.

"A dark figure concealed in a cloak let himself into a shadowed room, closing the door behind him." Part of the reason I got confused is because the man in the cloak came into the room last, making me think he was the one who went to see the bearded man. Maybe make it clearer that he is the who established the meeting and this is his space?

Other than that though great chapter! I will be reading the next one's in the near future.






Thank you so much for the review! I'm looking foreword to seeing what you think :)



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Fri Jul 27, 2018 11:05 pm
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SilverWolf wrote a review...



I think this is really intriguing and well written. It makes you want to read more, which is essentially the whole point of the prologue, unless its setting up the plot line. Either way this is a really good prologue! One suggestion would be to fully write out advertisement instead of ad. I personally try to avoid shortening words when writting stories. But since its in dialogue you could have it either way. If you did like shortening it or included the word many times, you could write it out the first time and abbreviate it for the others.
Sorry, that was probably super nit-picky, I really enjoyed reading it and will definitely look at the first chapter!

I like how you build the suspense, and describe the surprise the man feels after the other man stabs him. The mysterious meeting and dark magic also add to the intriuge! When the Cloaked Man says: “This is the cause” you might want to move it up into the paragraph where he talks about it, just so there is no confusion in who is talking. I really enjoy it and will read more!






Thank you so much for your review! It really helps :) just so you know, I've already posted Chapters 1-3. I'd love to read your reviews on those too, when you have time!



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Wed Jul 18, 2018 12:45 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello!! Welcome to YWS!! :D

Oooh what a mysterious opening!!
Usually when I read prologues I end up giving a speech about how prologues are usually not necessary to a story. After reading this one, I'm not ready to jump into the not necessary camp just yet because I'm intrigued. (once I read more I'll weigh back in) :)

I liked that you kept the identities of the people a secret and that we can only identify them by their physical characteristics. That forces your reader to really cue in and pay attention from the beginning. I also really liked that you didn't get bogged down with descriptions about who these people are and why they're doing what they're doing. I'm intrigued enough to want to read more and find out those answers for myself.

I also liked the intrigue at the end with the simple line of "last one". To me, that implies that there have been others, perhaps many others, and I want to know why. (I'm glad I don't know why yet though!) And I'm curious about why this one was the last one.

The only thing that kept me from fully engaging was sometimes it was difficult to discern who was talking and who was doing what. It's tough because you haven't named them and we're only going off of physical descriptions and they're both men. I think to help with this you could include more dialogue tags and small actions within the dialogue to differentiate who is talking a little more.

Overall though I think you have an intriguing and I'm looking forward to reading on to see how this develops! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D






Thank you so much! I'm glad that how I've structured my plot is exiting to read and not too mysterious (lol), because it's only going to get more so in the next chapters! I'd love to hear your feedback in the next installments :)



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Fri Jul 13, 2018 4:45 pm
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neptune wrote a review...



Hello! I saw your comment on my review for your first chapter and realized there was a prologue, haha. I guess it would help clear things up a bit. So, here I am for another review!

"They're justified in doing so," he said softly.

This was very good foreshadowing!

The lantern's light now exposed the killer's rusty hair and cast shadows on his pale face, making his brown eyes look nearly black.

Ah, that makes more sense for the first chapter!

The rust-haired man started mumbling an incantation and the lantern blew out.

I notice you're using this man's hair color as an identification. If you're going to use this method, I think you should be more consistent. For example, in this sentence:

The red-haired man was swallowed by the darkness before it scattered/

You use the word "red-haired" which works, but isn't consistent. This goes for the first chapter -- you use the word "red" instead of "rusty". For the time that the reader does not know this man, I think it'd be appropriate to go by what you're doing, but pick either rusty or red.

Final thoughts:

This prologue has a lot more description than the first chapter! I enjoyed the use of it. I feel like the little amount of dialogue really pushed you to add more descriptions. I'm also really looking forward to this character. I want to know more about his identity and I hope I learn his name so I don't have to refer to him as "the rusty-haired killer" haha. I know he's a killer and all, but he could be going after Reida for a good reason? Maybe to warn her, help her, etc?

Obviously, there is lots of magic throughout this, and there is going to be as well. You probably know what you're doing, but just make sure you're defining their magic skills and boundaries. What can they do? What can't they do? Making magical powers limitless tends to be boring and vague, so I just wanted to give you a heads up on that (though I have faith in your writing abilities).

Also, what wasn't clarified, and what I'm kind of disappointed about, is the location in which this happened. This could have happened across the street from Reida, or it could be across the world, for all I know. Perhaps you can clarify this in later chapters between the man and Reida? Was the man following Reida/looking for her, and that's why he was close? Or did he use some sort of magic to get to her? There should be some interaction between Reida and him that explains this.

I liked this part! I'm left with many questions that I can't wait to be answered. The best element of this part would probably be the descriptions, which I'm looking forward to seeing more of!

Hopefully this review helped! Feel free to let me know when more chapters are up, I'd love to read and review them! Remember, if you have any questions please let me know! <3






Thank you, again. These first chapters I wrote a year ago and so it's very helpful to see where to go back and fix things. You asked all the right questions that I want my readers to ask. I have answers for all of them, which I will reveal in time. Feel free to tell me if I am dragging out my revealations too long, because I know that there is a fine line between suspense and confusing to the point that it isn't fun to read anymore. I'm looking foreword to your thoughts on my next chapters- will keep you posted! :3





Thank you, again. These first chapters I wrote a year ago and so it's very helpful to see where to go back and fix things. You asked all the right questions that I want my readers to ask. I have answers for all of them, which I will reveal in time. Feel free to tell me if I am dragging out my revealations too long, because I know that there is a fine line between suspense and confusing to the point that it isn't fun to read anymore. I'm looking foreword to your thoughts on my next chapters- will keep you posted! :3



neptune says...


Please do! I%u2019d love to read and review more of your chapters!




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