Abroad we go
In 4 direction that blows
Together we play
And the things we clay
I was surprised
When it was all memorized
Whatever we've done
Those days are gone
You played with my heart
And then its all a beautiful Art
Whenever I think of it
Its all teared into bits
How fast people change
As great obstacles rage
The moments you share
Now everything's rare...
It's like a math sum,
And a lil' bit of rum
Teeny problems here in a ball
But now I know it was all,
FRIENDSHIP!
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,061 Reviews
Okay, the first stanza got me puzzled,
"In four direction blows: blows what?
"And then it's all a beautiful Art: I think it would be better written this way,
" And then it's all beautiful art.
"Together we play,
and the things we clay: I think there was a bit of forced rhyming here.
"It's like A MATH SUM: why was 'a math sum' capitalized?
Hello there. :3
The numerical four doesn’t look good in here so first what you need to do is to change it into an alphabetical four. Ok? And, what blows in four directions? Explain to the readers or else they will be puzzled the whole time in this very thing. I think that only adding a “we” in between direction and blows will do the trick for this line.
Confusing! And the things we clay? It doesn’t make any sense. What did you want to tell? And here there is a sudden change in the tense compared to the previous one. I can understand that these things are memories but if you just add “used to” in the first line her. Then things will be a bit better.
Confused again! xP Why were you surprised? What was memorized? By who was it memorized? These are the things that roam around the reader mind when one reads this. You need to explain this portion a bit more.
Weren’t you talking about friends and friendship? And suddenly this starts to sound like a romantic type by looking into this verse. And then the second line again doesn’t make any sense to me. What is a beautiful art? Playing with the heart or the friendship? :/
Sorry to be harsh on it but this baby here needs a lot of editing to make it perfect. Most of the rhymes seemed to be forced and no rhyming is better than forced rhyming.
I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
@ Beast: Well.. Thanks !
@ creativityrules: Oh... I see. I know, and I'm not telling your opinions are wrong. I'd love to hear everyone's opinions
and Thanks ! xDD
I like it when people include pieces of their own lives in their poems. You've obviously done a lot of that here. Some things are, maybe, on the edge of being a little too vague? But that's just me. Still, I really like this poem.
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@McMourning: About the Math Sum thing..
I tried to remove it when i put up on YWS and each time i click 'edit' it keeps coming like 'Error on page' :S
Oh, it's okay. I know you're just trying to correct me
Thanks for your help !
And yes maybe the 'things we clay' was supposed to be something else x[
Thanks a lot ! ^^
L1598
Hello, again, Lakshmi.
It's a cool idea to write about the different definitions of friendship we have throughout life.
I saw what you told Jasmine, but it isn't clear that you're talking about memories. Since you're talking about stages of friendship, it seems like you should be talking about little kids playing together and molding clay. In which case, you should say, And make things out of clay.
I don't understand this. Personally, I would just remove it. It doesn't add anything to the poem. You could also work with it to make it more clear what you mean. Are you trying to talk about the drinking buddies you had in college? Or, how your friends snuck rum out of their parents' liquor cabinets in high school? Right now, it seems like two unrelated lines thrown together.
I apologize if that seems harsh. I really do like the rest of the poem. This stanza just doesn't work for me.
Your poem is very true and most (if not all) readers can relate to it. "Those days are gone", "how fast people change", "teeny problems here'"...We've all been through those times. It's good to connect to your reader like that.
MM
@ Jasmine Hart: Thanks. It did help
Thanks ^^
By the way, 'Things we clay' is mean't like you clay(put it together) the memories of how you and friends shared. That was what I was trying to mean
Anyway, Since you're much elder you must much more
--
Lak Lak
Hi,
I like your use of couplets here and you expand nicely on your theme. I like "obstacles rage" - it's very original.
I think the rhyme hems you in and leaves a lot of this sounding forced. For example, "In 4 direction blows" doesn't make much sense. I'd try "In four directions we blow" to make it sound cleaner but I'd also rewrite this with no rhyme. "The things we clay" also doesn't make sense. I'd cut "all" before "memorized" so it flows better, and "a" before "beautiful Art". I'd also use lower case for "art" math sum."
Hope this helps,
Jas