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139,687 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
You were right. This was slightly confusing to read, but almost liked it, because that's how life is sometimes. I didn't find anything grammatically wrong with it, although I would like to point something out on the "...." at the end of a few of the lines. To me, it seemed like the only spot that those really fit would've been the very last line. But that's just me. Anyway, this was pretty good! Keep writing!
When I read the title, I thought, "Oh, God, another depressing suicidal poem." But it wasn't like that. It's good. I love the way you started each stanza with the word: life. If anything irked me, it was the straightforwardness. It isn't bad, but in poems with deep meanings, sometimes it's better to explain with metphors and stuff. But a lot of people like poems that don't do that either, so you don't have to change it if you like this approach better. Good job.
I think that the general message about Life was given to the readers. However, as stated at the very end of your post, it was a bit confusing and may take a moment or so to be thought about before truly understanding what is being told through the words of this poem.
There are particular lines in this poem that I thought were a bit mind twisting that have confused me and may also have confused other readers. From the beginning of the poem, within the first stanza, you seem to have given off the impression that you are going to explain how there is Darkness within the life that we live. The third line within the second stanza seemed to have thrown off that impression, at least that's what I think.
You talk about how you feel pity for those who suffer and the pain that the animals endure. But then, you say that you feel proud about the people who fought for your country. Pride and Darkness seem to create a contradiction within your poem. I'm assuming that you were referring to the soldiers chance of facing death which can also be seen as Darkness. I think if you rephrased that line, then maybe readers will get a better understand of how life is through Darkness.
For this line within the second stanza, I think a more suitable word would be "whom" instead of "which". Animals aren't necessarily a concept that can be referred to with the word "which". The term "whom" would fit better because animals are living things, if that explaination made any sense at all. Lol.
For this stanza, I would replace the "us" with "you" because the second line uses the pronoun "you" as if you were referring to people in general or/as well as the reader him/herself. That's just what I think though.
Over all, I'd say this is a well done poem. I love how you interact with your audience by asking them, "Are you aware of what I mean?", as if questioning them about their understanding of Life and whether or not they believe it is filled with Darkness.