I was totally hooked by the game. Our team was up by 2-0, and the crowd was only getting crazier. Older guys booing the other team, hassling the guys. The smarter side of me said it was wrong even in jest but what could I do other than ignore. Hockey fans were one all their own. My attention was ripped away the moment my Deangelo got stick to puck, his handling beautiful. Heart beating a wild rhythm in my chest I waited in bated breath. Coming up the ride side, veering in and out of the other guys my eyes were glued. No, something wasn't right. Apprehension tickled my neck. Eyes darting away they found him. The other teams’ hardest hitter was right on his tail, a mad adrenaline evident in his movement of arms and legs. Everyone watched in horror as they came into impact. The shatter of glass near deafening. The crowd when silent for all of three counts before erupting into boos and swearing.
If I'd been anyone else I would have joined, if not for the sight of the pool of blood on the ice, Deangelo’s teammates scrambling to his side. The paramedics were rushed onto the ice with a stretcher. Kirk was promptly escorted off the ice. The hit was being replayed on the jumbo screen. I hoped desperately the guy was suspended. The paramedics worked frantically, the flash of an iv, straps and they were down the tunnel. The game was put on hold to clean up glass and blood. There was so much blood. Deangelo’s team looked ill with worry. Good guys, our team. The other team looked stotic. There was a good chance they knew Kirk was just a notch away from this. It made me wonder what their coach’s response to this would be. Kirk had been given a reputation for years, causing injuries but never having to really pay the price. His time was past due.
It was a while yet before the game resumed. Even so the players on both sides were clearly agitated. Able to only get one goal in from the other team the entire duration of the game, it ended. We cheered our team before filing out. Sure enough the news of the injury was all over the internet, fans that hadn't been able to attend the game sending their condolences. Fans from the other shaming Kirk, sending equal condolences to ours. So many people that wanted a full recovery not knowing the full extent of the head injury. Waiting was the hardest part. My mind scrambled with worry for different outcomes. Our team needed him, they knew they needed him. I prayed he pulled through.
Getting home I dropped my purse to the floor and scrambled for a shower and food. Paying for the food at the game was out of the question. I'd made leftovers to last me a while. Freeing myself from the tension of the game I reheated some pasta before snuggling up with a good book. Losing myself in the words it took me a moment to register the ringing of my cell. Snatching it up I read the name before pressing it to my ear.
"You have a good time at the Game?" Tessa asked.
Marking my place a shut the book with a snap. "I did. Could have done without the glass and blood though."
"Girl, I am still reeling from that hit. I seriously think that guy premeditated that hit. It was beyond dirty."
"I wouldn't doubt it, we all saw how fast he came up on him. How could it be anything less?"
"I only hope he'll be able to return to the ice soon. His poor family, they're probably sick with worry."
"Well we'll all know the verdict by tomorrow. In the meantime all we can do is wait."
"Only too true. You putting up a video after you know everything tomorrow?"
She was referring to my vlogging. After every game I posted a video giving my personal thoughts on highs and lows. This one would be crammed with thoughts and I had to get them all in good order before setting up. The process took hours mostly due to the editing. It was a real pain in the kisser.
"Yeah, I'll let you be the first notified when it's posted."
"This is going to get so much attention I'm practically chomping at the bit."
I rolled my eyes. Seriously where did she get her references? Talking a bit more we hung up, my mind already scrambling with details. Looking down at the book in my lap I didn't even attempt to pick up where I let off. Dropping my dishes in the sink I dragged myself to bed, collapsing into sleep.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Happy Review Day!
To begin, let's go over some fundamentals. Your dialogue is nice and realistic, and your descriptions are quite pleasant. Still, the short story feels a little too short. You could've elaborated with:
How the fans were hassling the other team in the beginning
A more detailed description of Deangelo's ice movement. She refers to him as "my Deangelo," so it makes sense for her to notice and admire his grace of movement, assuming that she's more attached to him than other she is to other players.
The blood on the ice. This is the pivotal moment of shock and horror, so you ought to go beyond "a pool of blood on the ice." Put the reader in the situation.
On to nitpicks of grammar and sentences that I found odd:
"Heart beating a wild rhythm in my chest I waited in bated breath." Comma after chest.
"Coming up the ride side, veering in and out of the other guys my eyes were glued." Ride should be right (right?), comma after guys, and what were her eyes glued to? You might just want to add "to him" at the end of the sentence.
"The shatter of glass near deafening." There are two options here. The first is to omit near. The second is to combine this sentence with the one before it using a comma. I'd go with the second, personally.
"The other team looked stotic." What is that? Static? Stoic?
"It was a while yet before the game resumed." Omit "yet."
"My mind scrambled with worry for different outcomes." Like what?
"I prayed he pulled through." I prayed he would pull through.
You might want to remember to put commas in between your clauses. Your details are nice, but there could be more, and they could be more stunning. So yeah, excellent story you've got here. Cheers.
-Chaser
Hello!
There are a couple grammatical errors that I will be addressing.
I'm not going to touch the content because I do not know anything about hockey.
I believe it would make more sense if you changed it to:
"The smarter side of me said it was wrong even in jest, but what could I do other than ignore?"
By doing this, it would seem like the speaker is questioning himself/herself.
In the second paragraph:
What straps? Perhaps a little more detail on that?
Third paragraph:
I believe it would make more sense to say: "We cheered for our team before filling out."
Fans from the other what? Side? Team?
In the fourth paragraph:
I believe there should be a comma after "home". Also, "getting" doesn't seem to be the right word to use in this situation.
Ahhhh! You're missing more commas!
There should be commas after the first "myself", "words", and "up".
Alright, that's where I stopped.
Wait.
Last paragraph.
There should be a comma after "Seriously".
Basically, you're missing some commas. Don't be scared of using commas!
I'm sure you can catch them yourself if you do some proofreading.
Hope this helped.
Keep up the good work!
Ƥєтєя Ƥαη
Hi, I'm Maddie and I'll be reviewing your work!
Did someone say Hockey? With a Canadian in Presence? Bwahaha.
So anyways, onto the review.
I have to say that I honestly liked this. My reviews have been really harsh as of late, but I can't really find anything to be so harsh about. So yeah.
Well, of course, there's the dialogue that seemed so out of place in a mostly narrative piece. I got into that vibe, reading through all the descriptions so quietly, just so I could understand the feel of the game. Though of course, so much of it was narrative summary, which is definitely easier to write, but harder for the reader to get emotionally attached to it. For example, if your main character screamed with the fans, possibly shouting "INTERFERENCE!" or "HOOKING!" at any given time, that could make the game feel so much more real. (I watch/listen to my dad watching hockey more than I do actual hockey, lol.)
Now, onto the characterization thing.
I couldn't really... like... your MC. I couldn't find her name anywhere in the piece, not to mention the simple fact she just sat there. She just kinda seemed to watch everything instead of getting involved. I just wanted to point this out in case it was intentional.
I couldn't really get to know anyone else, especially DeAngelo. (It should be written like this, for future notice.)Actually, I think that the MC is nothing more than a bit of a passive fangirl of him.
But all things aside, I liked the description. Especially the glass shattering part. That's some pretty big power and really brings out how Kirk 'gooned' DeAngelo.
Great Story, I would love to hear more. Sorry about my Canadian-isms.
Keep writing!
Maddie
Hello. I really liked the story you wrote. I only caught one typo on paragraph one near the end. When you wrote "The crowd when silent for all of three counts before erupting into boos and swearing. I think you meant to type went. Not when. Good luck!