Jostled through the throng Clare eventually happened upon Serena. She seemed acceptable to the sad fact her partner had no rythem.
"For someone that's looking to dance you seem distracted, anything you want to tell me?" Serena asked.
"No, I'm alright," Clare assured. Having a stare down with a complete stranger wasn't that big a deal she told herself. Giving a pointed look at Serena's partner Serena only shrugged. The music washing over her Clare lost herself to it.
"Girl how is it that I've never seen your moves? You've some wicked hips," Serena said.
Not having an answer Clare slowly nudged Serena's pathetic partner away. His bad dancing could only be tolerated for so long.
"By the way have you seen the look on Scarlett's face?" Serena asked.
Craning her neck Clare could just catch a glimpse. Sure enough Scarlett's face was aglow, Benny turning her out before pulling her back in.
At the touch on her arm Clare figured it was Serena's dance partner dissatisfied with being pushed away. Instead she came face to face with a burely guy, his beefy hand clamped over her arm with a weasel smile in place.
"Hey there honey, share a dance with me?"
Flicking her eyes from his hand to his face she tried to wrench free. "That's not likely to happen pal. Get away from me."
Taking it as a joke he pulled her in closer.
"Come now honey, don't be that way. One dance is all I'm asking."
Close enough to smell his breath it was clear he'd had more than enough drink tonight."
"Look here you drunken moron. My friend told you to back off. So take the hint, she's not interested," Serena demanded.
Glowering at her he released his hold. By then they were getting curious looks. Eyes darting between the two Clare sighed in relief at Benny parting the crowd.
"Ladies I've been informed there's trouble. Care to explain?" he asked.
Before Clare could get a word out Serena was off like a shot.
"This creep laid a hand on Clare demanding she dance with him. Not comprehending the word no I stepped in."
Benny's eyes moved from an aggitated Serena, to meathead to finally Clare.
"Did he hurt you?"
The compassion in his voice had her melting.
"I'm alright Benny."
"If that's the truth I'll be showing this guy the door. Sorry for the trouble ladies."
Curious onlookers parted for them, Scarlett pushing forward.
"Clare child are you going to be okay?"
Giving a curt nod she was led back to her seat, Benny's temporary ambling over.
"Can we please get some water for out friend here?" Scarlett asked.
Filling a glass to the rim he set in front of Clare. Taking deep gulps she set it down.
"I'm sorry he ruined a good time girl," Serena said.
"You've no reason to apologize. The guy's a pig," Clare stated.
Intent as they were consoling Clare they didn't notice Benny behind them.
"I showed him the door and gave him a warning for good measure. He won't be bothering you around here anymore Clare."
"Thank you Benny we are grateful you doing that," Scarlett said.
"I think it best I got back to work. It was nice dancing with you Scarlett . I had myself a good time."
With nod to her he strolled away.
"Those were some moves you two were putting on the floor," Serena teased.
Unfortunatly Scarlett didn't duck her head away fast enough to avoid them seeing her blush.
"I don't know about the two of you but I've gotten my second wind," Serena said. Downing the last of Clare's water she was off.
"That girl, wonder if she's related to the energizer bunny?" Scarlett mused.
"Clare didn't refute that musing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
I haven't read the first chapter so I'll just point out little things.
Couple of things, rhythm is the correct spelling, and should it be "She accepted the sad fact...?"This is a run on sentence, it may just need rephrasing and punctuation.
This sentence is a little weird. A rewrite might be as simple as "His breath made it clear he'd had more than one drink tonight." Or even "She could smeel the alcohol on his breath, clearly he'd had more than one drink tonight." Or something like that. Also, delete the quotation.
You need to use commas more, as right now a lot of your dialogue feels rushed, commas make them more readable. For example: You need a comma between time and girl. There's a few other places similar to these where you need a comma after girl if it's at the beginning of the sentence, or before if it's at the end.
Another example is here:
You need a comma before and after Benny. Also, should "doing" be "did"?
Quotation mark should be deleted.
Even though I didn't read the first chapter I wasn't lost, which is exactly what you want.
While your writing had nice pacing, your missing two of the four elements of writing. You have dialogue and action, but you need character thoughts and description to really flesh this piece out. Let us know what your character is thinking and feeling, make it subtle, but clear. It will give us insights into Clare's character.
I also really want to see description. what do these people look like? What does their setting look like? It is hot and sweaty or is it chilling? What are people wearing? Is the music soft and pretty, fun and energetic, loud and blaring? Try to use all give senses to really pull us into the scene.
Hope this was helpful, let me know if you have any questions xD.
This was another amazing chapter! I like how you got your characters to show how friendly they are with each other. I also liked how you portrayed Benny's kindness towards the girls. Just having something like that really helps us see that they are regulars at the club, giving readers a kind of back story. So kudos to you for that.
I am really intrigued by this 'Drunk moron' and wonder if he will make an appearance down the road.
I loved this update and can't wait for the next one.