The cab driver had been instructed to park two blocks from the bar. As the street was mostly deserted with the exception of an occasional bum, there was no threat of being detected. Slipping out his cell he hit the name of the only number in it. The other end rang only once.
“You have good news I take it?” A gruff voice answered.
“I’ve tracked traitor number one down.”
“You’re certain it’s a positive id?”
“There’s no doubt about it boss. The woman’s a match.”
“You’ve done an excellent job.”
With that the line disconnected.
Placing the phone away he unfolded a fifty from his wallet. Reaching over the seat he dropped it in the cabbie’s lap,the guy was sweating. The cabbie didn’t move to place it away, instead putting the car in drive without a word.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hello! I'm here to give a quick review of your work.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with your first paragraph, it's fine as it is. You've written descriptions and actions.
“You have good news I take it?” A gruff voice answered.
It's difficult to explain, but a gruff voice answered is attached to you have good news.... So you're saying that he was answering something with a question. What was he answering? I think you meant that the next line was the answer, so you need to attach a gruff voice... to I've tracked a....
[b]...instead putting the car in drive without a word.[/i]
I suggest you change it to: Instead he put the car into drive without a word.
That's all I can find that needs to be fixed! Well done.
Hello! I'm Brunnera. Just so you know, I have yet to read your previous chapters, and shall go on to the errors of this short chapter:
" Slipping out his [cell] he [hit] the name of the only number in it. "
Since this is a formal description, not in the form of speech or thought or any of the sort, change the word "cell" to "phone". Do not confuse dialogue terms for formal terms.
Instead of having him "hit" the contact, what about having him "tap" on the contact? It sounds weird to have him "hit" it.
" "I’ve tracked [traitor number one] down.” "
Maybe you should change that to "Traitor No. 1".
" “You’re certain it’s a positive [id]?” "
Alter that to "I.D.", because if you don't, people tend to read it as "eed" instead of "eye-dee".
" Reaching over the seat he dropped it in the [cabbie’s] [lap,the guy was sweating]. "
See, not all countries are familiar with the term "cabbie", so change it to "driver" instead. And, the second part of the sentence is quite abruptly delivered. Replace the comma with a full-stop and put "He noted that" in front of the following sentence. It sounds more appropriate that way.
" instead putting the car in drive "
I think there are better ways to express this, but that's merely a suggestion.
Anyway, in my opinion, you are missing out commas at various places. Such as:
" Placing the phone away he unfolded a fifty from his wallet. "
A comma must be present after "away". And:
" Slipping out his cell he hit the name of the only number in it. "
After altering the word "cell" to "phone", put a comma after it.
" “You have good news I take it?” A gruff voice answered. "
There should also be a comma after "news".
Anyway, technical errors are over and done with. I shall now get on with my personal thoughts.
If you ask me, it was incredibly short for a chapter! Not that it's disturbing in any way-- perhaps you are comfortable with the small length. It also makes it easy to read, but...still, it's a chapter. That's not a problem, anyway xD
I love the short abruptness of this chapter. It had plenty of mystery to it. Interesting, are they hunting down and ticking off a list of "traitors"? Definitely intriguing.
I'm also drawn to this because it's registered under the Romance genre. Lately I have been interested in romantic words, which is very uncharacteristic of me.
Anyway, if I have the time, I will stop by your earlier chapters to review for each of them. I hope I've helped you with my review.
~Brunnera