Silver Eyes stepped from the lowest branch of the tree she was on to the top of the fountain, spreading her wings out to keep balanced. As her facial feathers rustled with the wind, she said, “Council, I summon thee.”
She lowered her head to meet the eyes of the other chiravians, nearly materializing in front of her. She thought of the vision she just saw before the summons and shuddered.
The fountain had no water streaming through it, but a small pool of bubbling water surrounding Silver Eyes.
“Silver! What’d you bring us here for? Better not be wasting time,” another chiravian, White Water, called.
Silver Eyes snorted and lowered her gaze to meet her old tribemate. “I’ve got news.”
The rest of the council chiravians raised their gazes to her, but she seemed to ignore them like she was in a trance. She knew this feeling. Being a First and a Seer meant she had the power to read and cause the fountain to work. And in turn the fountain could cause Silver Eyes to move. She strode from the centre of the fountain through the water and out of the pool. There was no wake behind her.
She touched her wing to the fountain’s top, causing the fountain to bubble up into a small geyser. When the water started falling to the ground, it turned to snow.
The sky above her distorted, casting a cloaking spell.
“The Snow Tribe,” she heard Scuriv, the only Cave Chiravian in the council, say. He tried to catch the falling snow on his wings, but the snow faded before it could even touch him.
The other chiravians, in the meanwhile, could hold their wings out and nearly be covered by the blizzard-like torrent.
“I-I don’t understand,” she heard Scuriv say.
Then a curious phenomenon happened. The snow burst into flame, and the snow that covered the chiravians burst into flames. She felt no heat or pain, thankfully.
This was th worst prophecy yet, Silver Eyes thought. She had experienced it once in a vision, but only silhouettes of warm colours were visible. When the burning snow stopped and the geyser fell back to calm fountain water, she sighed, scraping her paws on the dirt. The images she saw in the vision were playing faintly on the surface’s edge.
Scuriv stepped back in fear. “I don’t get it!” he said. “Tell me what it means!”
“The Snow Tribe’s coming back,” was the first thing Silver Eyes said. “Worse, war will bring it.” She turned to Scuriv with determination in her gaze. “Worse, the Cave Tribe won’t be there in the end.”
Scuriv leaped back and reared up. “You’re lying! You probably made this especially for us! Why?”
Silver stepped towards him, grey-brown fur bristled. “Why would I? How could I? I can’t enchant the fountain, only the true First could.”
“Then the fountain’s wrong!”
“Remember the Asmos crisis?” she asked. “The fountain saw it coming and told us. If one of us didn’t tell a seer, it could’ve been stopped.”
Scuriv stood quiet for a second. “Then… it can be stopped?”
Silver Eyes nodded. “If you can contact a seer at the next full moon, don’t tell them anything. Then it might be stopped. It’s your best hope.”
Silver Eyes saw Scuriv nod, and then the council disappeared, leaving the near-blind chiravian alone in the stone courtyard.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello there!
You've done a great job with this so far. It does what a good introduction to any story is supposed to do - it draws me in while also making me want to know more. You've also picked a great hook to begin your story with. It's tense, but it doesn't give away too much. I'm getting a strong high fantasy vibe from this opening prologue, and since there are a lot of those out there, going forward just make sure you know not only why your story is worth telling, but also what sets it apart.
Also, I'm curious to know what exactly a Chivarian is and all of the details of their world, but I'm sure all of that will come in time! I'm also not really sure why this needs to be a prologue, and why it can't be the beginning of the first chapter. If you really do want it to be a prologue, maybe something that sets up the feud between the different tribes (before you introduce the main characters) would best.
That way (and this segways into my next point) you can focus on building our sense of connection with the central characters in the first couple of pages. There's an oddly detached feeling that I got from reading this, like I was watching the action unfold from afar rather then in the thick of it. Your characters give away a lot of exposition when they speak, and I don't really feel like the description is used to your best advantage. I want to hear the rustling of the leaves and the see the water bubbling from the stream and the shine of the moonlight. (I was picturing this in the forest on a warm summer night, so if it's not that, be sure to connect your reader with what's going on).
Let me know when there are more chapters up!
Best,
Elinor
Forest... Warm Summer night... Yep. You're pretty right. Well, Chiravians are pretty hard to describe...
I couldn't really make this a part of the first chapter as these aren't the main characters and I always feel it's best to not have out of place characters star in the first chapter, if that means anything.
But yeah, thanks for the review! This piece obviously has a lot to work on, but that's why I posted it here. Thanks again.
(Chiravians look like this: https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/25825015/ )
Hello, ChiravianSkies. I'm here to review your work!
First and foremost, I'm quite impressed with the plot. It's mysterious, foreboding, and chilling. The prophecy of the return of the Snow Tribe and the demise of the Cave Tribe is fascinating, particularly the way that the prophecy is communicated. The imagery of snow bursting into flames is eye-catching, captivating the reader, and leaves them to wonder what the prophecy means, directing them into the next portion of the plot, which explains the matter but leaves more questions. Thus, you manage to carry on the plot while also ensuring your reader's attention, which is a wonderful, wonderfully good job on your part.
Furthermore, I like your array of characters. Silver Eyes intrigues me deeply, given her unique and inherent ability to see into the future and predict what will happen. I most find myself affixed on the way that she is linked to the fountain. She gives the fountain life; in turn, it gives her the ability to move, and the ability of prediction. It's an interesting symbiotic relationship, and I'm curious to see and learn more about it in future chapters. Meanwhile, I feel a bit of pity for Scuriv; being the sole representative of his group in the council, he is alone in his understand that his group will be destroyed in the oncoming conflict. I can understand his fear and his anger at this, such as denying Silver's reliability and eventually coming face to face with the realization of the fountain's truthfulness, and I find him an interesting character. I look forward to seeing what happens to him, and his group, in the future.
In all, I love this chapter. You provide a key sense of mystery that leaves the reader wanting more. Who are the First? What is the distinction between the 'true' First and the others? What is going to happen? Will they contact the seer and succeed? Why is it so important they cannot tell the Seer? Wouldn't the Seer already know? These questions captivate me, focus my attention upon them, and leave me anxious for more. Furthermore, your character development and plot development are absolutely wonderful, and I enjoyed reading this story form start to finish. As a side note, I kind of wish that you had provided more descriptions on the chiravians; not being familiar with this race, I'd like to learn more about what they look like, the distinctions between individual clans, and so forth. Nonetheless, I loved reading this chapter, and I'm impressed. Well done!
Ahhh! Questions to answer!
The true First is well, the first chiravian. The thing that diferrentiates him from the other First is that the other Firsts built the four Tribes; the Cave Tribe, the Sea Tribe, the Forest Tribe, and the Snow Tribe. The Moon Tribe, which I forgot to mention, is where the dead chiravians like Silver Eyes and Scuriv have gone and all the other dead chiravians go when they die.
It's common for a Seer to go to the full moon meeting at the Starlit Boulder, but oftentimes it's just the Tribe leaders and their chirlets.
The reason they can't tell the seer is because during the Asmos Crisis, a Sea Tribe council member told a seer what was going to happen, and when trying to stop it, caused it to happen. As mentioned before, Seers only sometimes go to the Boulder and see the dead. It's pretty much forbidden for a chirave to go to the courtyard where the fountain is, so a council member would have to tell them.
And that's all I've got! Thanks for the review!
PS: Chiravians are these little guys. Kinda hard to describe when the creatures I made them from don't exist in the world, eh? XD --> https://scratch.mit.edu/projects/25825015/
Lock and load, Review Day is upon us.
So, alright! I like this! You've got a real mysterious quality to the whole thing. Feel free to build on that with your word choice. As for characterization, you do an excellent job with both Scuriv and Silver Eyes, playing them out perfectly as naive and wise.
The plot works fine as well, although maybe the Snow Tribe could bring a heavier sense of dread to the scene. Maybe you could give Silver Eyes' thoughts pertaining to their threat, or the reactions of the Council upon hearing it.
There are some specific places that I'd like to go over, though. Since this is the prologue, I can't offer any plot criticisms. However:
The first sentence is always the trickiest to master, isn't it? I'll tell you right now: Silver Eyes isn't the most interesting name ever written. It's only my opinion, but opinions are everything to readers, right? Why was she in the tree, anyway? It seems like a pointless detail, and raises a question never to be answered.
You're being rather blunt for such a major part of your setting, aren't you? "Cause the fountain to work" could be revised with more impactful words. Does she trigger it? Is she the fountain's catalyst? I advise you to be fresh and creative with this.
I didn't see a part of the vision that suggested such a thing, but maybe it was in Silver Eyes' version.
Disappeared without a single farewell? Sure, why not. Anyway, the "near-blind" detail stuck out to me as strange. Why not introduce it earlier? If you're planning a mystical shock with the eyesight (you know, the whole "ermagherd she can tell the visual details of things though she's blind" thing), I strongly suggest you give more visual imagery.
There are no significant formatting or grammar errors here. I apologize if I have offended you by insulting your work of art, but it's merely an opinion. Cheers.
-Chaser
Hullo! Thanks for the review, Chaser!
All I really wanted to say was when the snow didn't touch Scuriv's wings was the part saying the Cave Tribe won't be there in the end. They'll have either fought so hard that they died out, they were completely outnumbered when the other two Tribes (Sea and Forest) gang up on them, or something along those lines. I've got 'er already planned out, XD.
And good point. I should really have some kind of farewell or something. Thanks for the advice.
Thanks for the review, and don't worry, I'm not insulted at all!