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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Chiravian Knights - Chapter 1

by ChiravianSkies


Sikla dived under the water with a laugh. Nobody was going to find her. Her sea-green pelt blended in with the water, the wind helping enough to churn the ocean water enough so she was a green blur.

She flicked her tail. A green blur with bright blue feet.

She looked around, taking deep breaths as her gills raised and smoothened along her neck. She ducked down deeper into the water with a splash at the sight of a cave in the reef. Dodging a small school of angelfish, she paddled into the cave and curled herself into a ball. She was going to win this round of hide-and-seek.

She pulled her webbed wings in closer to her body when she caught sight of a pair of red paws paddling towards her. Sikla saw them dive down to reveal the face of Tenrin, who smiled and kicked down into the water towards her. It was probably her splash that gave her away.

Sikla put her back legs against the back of the cave and flattened her wings to her side. It was a tricky last resort not to get caught, but to her, it was anything not to be a seeker.

She saw his paws get so close to the cave that the larger chirlet could have touched her, and she pushed her back paws against the back of the cave to spring her out. A trail of bubbles flew out behind her as she started laughing underwater. She spread her wings out at the last second so she flew up and out of the water for just a split second. She saw her father Antra frowning at her from the beach, and she couldn’t help but feel her spirits dampen. She splashed into the water and turned around to see Tenrin upside down. He righted himself and motioned for her to come to the surface. “Caught ya,” he said.

Sikla raised her brow bones, making her heart-shaped face seem a bit bigger. “You didn’t!”

“You flew right at me. How would I miss?”

Sikla opened her beak to say something but stopped. “Well, I’ll be waiting at the shore. I think I saw Linn over by the coral ring,” she said, and swam toward the shore. She turned back to see Tenrin had already dived back under the water to look for his sister.

It took a few minutes for her to paddle back to the shore, but before she could even shake the water off her fur, the shadow of her father loomed over her.

“What were you doing out there?” her father asked. His dark blue fur bristled, completely dry in comparison to Sikla’s fur.

A bird cried out in the distance, a long whooping sound.

“Hide and seek. It’s not a crime.” Sikla started padding towards the grass at the end of the beach so she could dry her paws off.

Antra followed closely behind, his long-legged stride setting him ahead of his daughter. “You’re the Sea Tribe’s next Head when I die. If a… a shark goes up and kills you, then what?” His wings flared when he spoke, and it made Sikla feel smaller than she already was.

Sikla didn’t miss a beat. “There’s a bunch of chiravians better for the job than me,” she said, shaking her short fur out. “Take one of them.”

Antra laid down on his stomach. “We’ve gone through this. It doesn’t work like that.” He sighed, something he did commonly when around Sikla. “You’re only allowed to be on land. Am I clear?”

Sikla looked out on the ocean, wondering if she should nod. She was a Sea Triber, not a Forest Triber.

“Are we clear?”

Sikla nodded her head slowly, still gazing out at the sea.

“Good. We’re headed to the Boulder tonight, too. Full moon.”

Sikla scrunched her face in towards her beak, but didn’t say anything. It was nearly sunset already, and the days were only getting shorter.

She glared behind her to see the two figures of Linn and Tenrin, giggling furiously at one another.

Antra sighed. “You still have things to do.” He got back onto his paws and shook the sand off, getting some from his pelt and into her eyes.

She shook the stinging pain away with a small grunt of pain.

“Oh! Sorry!” Antra stiffened and ran his beak through her facial feathers to preen out the last of the sand. “Didn’t mean to.”

She shook her head away in indignation. “I can do it on my own.”

Antra’s face fell but he stood up tall. “Well, say bye to your friends. Meet me at the Starlit Boulder at moonrise.”

Sikla sighed and nodded, before turning to Linn and Tenrin. She could hear them laughing loudly now and stomping their feet on the grass.

“So your father isn’t happy?” Tenrin asked teasingly. “Up for another round?”

Sikla narrowed her eyes at them and shot a very small glance at her father. “Sorry. I’m not allowed in the water anymore,” she grumbled. “Antra’s scared I’ll drown or something.”

“Well, too bad. We’re playing!” Tenrin turned away but was stopped by Linn’s tail on his back, the fin ruffling his back fur.

“Come on. We can probably play on land too.” Linn turned her head to Sikla and smiled slyly. Sikla pretended not to notice, but felt her gills and scruff fur rising. The last time Linn smiled like that, Antra wasn’t exactly pleased.

“You’re pretty much a princess, right?” Linn asked, taking her tail off of Tenrin, who was turning around.

Sikla tilted her head. “Kinda…”

“Then you’re pretty much above the rules.” Tenrin said, but instead of looking at the sea he was looking inland at the forest.

“Heck no!”

Linn reared up and put her paws on Sikla’s shoulders, which wasn’t hard as Sikla was only at their shoulders. The weight pushed down on her and made her have to lean down towards the ground. “Oh, you’re just being modest. Come on, we’re going to the River.”

Sikla’s eyes widened and she shook Linn’s pink paws off. “No! That’s the Cave Tribe border.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

Sikla clenched her beak shut and raised her ears too high. Antra told her that the Cave Tribe was checking their borders more often and had even lashed out violently when a Sea Tribe chiravian was caught fishing in the river. She was told not to say it to the other chirlets, so she simply said, “I just don’t like them.”

“Really?” joked Linn. “You’re a chirlet and a princess. They aren’t going to do nothing.”

Tenrin nodded. “That’s the truth.” They both turned their finned tails to Sikla and started trotting into the woods. “And don’t follow us, Sikla. You’re too scared to go fishing. See you later, shrimp!” They laughed and before seconds, she couldn’t see the bigger chiravians through the trees.

She waited a few seconds until Antra retired to a cave in the lava rock. They couldn’t just call her a shrimp and walk away! And she wasn’t too scared to go fishing. It was just the Cave Tribe was violent these days.

But then, she wasn’t a scaredy shrimp. Sikla stood tall and picked up her pace as she ran into the trees. She’d catch a bigger fish than the both of them could. She didn’t bother telling Antra as she ambled through the warm coloured trees, trying to get to another part of the River Jaidan first. And they couldn’t stop her.

***

Sikla stopped at the sound of the River Jaidan flowing calmly over the stones. She sat at the bank and pointed her wolf-like ears to the river to listen for other chiravians. Cave Tribers, to be specific.

She saw a fish jump out of the water and stop right in front of her face before gravity pulled it back down into the water. She cocked her head incredulously. These fish haven’t seen a chiravian, have they? she thought. That fish was huge. She looked back to see if Linn and Tenrin were near, and sat waiting for a fish.

The water broke again, and Sikla flared her wings to try catching the fish. The fish fell onto her wings, slapping and flopping around in them. She hated the wet slimy feeling of the fish’s scales so she dumped it on the grass. The fish opened and closed its mouth, revealing sharp fangs. When Sikla put a paw on it to stop its incessant moving, the wet creature tried to bite at her paw. She realized that it wasn’t that the fish hadn’t seen a chiravian, it was that the fish wasn’t afraid of one.

She bared her talons, and searching to see if any other chiravians were around, whacked the fish over the head. It didn’t move anymore.

She looked at the fish and shuddered. It was a completely new fish, and she didn’t know if it would taste good or not. But still, Antra taught her never to waste a catch so she took a tentative bite.

It tasted odd, not having the natural salty flavour that a saltwater fish had. She coughed out a bone that tickled the back of her throat. She got used to the flavour after a couple bites, but still had to learn how to preen the bones out of the flesh.

At the sound of chiravians, she got an idea. Linn and Tenrin would absolutely hate it to see the scaredy shrimp on the other side of the borders, munching on a fish. She checked for Cave chiravians. There weren’t any flashes of bright pelts, as she’d seen on other chiravians. 

She dived into the water and instantly regretted it. She was sucked down to the bottom and the young chirlet had to paddle with much more strength than the relatively slow-moving seawater. She breathed slowly, holding the fish in her jaws.

Another predator fish, with the same green scales and yellow eyes as the one she had in her mouth swam at her at top speed. In reflex, she spread her wings out and tried to give a hiss to scare it off, but instead dropped her fish and breathed air into her lungs. She coughed under the water, hating the pain of water being down the wrong hole. Sikla tried paddling up before the water kept getting her, so she cough out water and breath air into her lungs rather than the opposite.

She didn’t know which was up now that the river currents kept flinging her about. She closed her eyes tight and tried paddling straight, but only ended up hitting the floor. With each cough, panic rose in her. She turned around and kept going up, her chest hurting with every stroke. With one more cough, she felt a sharp beak on her scruff. It wasn’t hers, and she kept getting more confused as she was pulled in a different direction. She felt air on her fur and shivered from the cold, but also from joy. She wasn’t going to die.

“I can’t see,” she said between coughs as she was placed on the ground.

There was a silence, and then laughter from two chiravians with unfamiliar voices.

“Shut up, you two. She’s a chirlet.” Then softer, to Sikla, he said, “Open your eyes.”

Sikla was confused for a second then realized her stupidity. She glared and opened her eyes to see three sets of paws. One of them was bright blue like the sky. Another was a desaturated dark blue, and another pair was green. She stared at the blue pair of paws and then traced her eyes up vibrant brown fur to see the chiravian who saved her. They weren’t any Sea chiravians she knew. The two behind the brown one were grey, nearly black. She stopped coughing, now the water was out of her lungs.

She realized that she wasn’t seeing Sea Tribe chiravians, but was staring right into the faces of a Cave Tribe patrol.

“What’s your name, chirlet?” The black one with the dark blue paws said, glaring down at her.

The brown one lashed his shark-finned tail. “Don’t be like that, Mayros.”

Sikla gave a final cough and rolled over onto her stomach. “Sikla of the Sea. Antra’s daughter,” she said clearly, trying to hold her head high despite the humiliation. Oddly enough, they did smile and lower their heads.

“And I’m General Aecor of the Caves. Me and my fellow patrollers were just doing a final patrol before I went to the Boulder with King Argryis and his daughter.

Sikla stood up tall and shook her fur off, spraying General Aecor. He didn’t seem to mind. “Nice to meet you. I was headed there too.”

Aecor smiled, lighting the blue mask on his face. “Maybe I’ll take you there.” He had a dorsal fin, a sight that she'd never seen on any other chiravian. With a glance at the other two, only he had it.

Sikla lowered her head gratefully, one of the many lessons in etiquette she was taught by her father. “Thank you.”

A silence followed, only to be broken by Mayros. “What’ll we do when we give her back to Antra? He hates us already. He’ll think we kidnapped her.”

“We’ll let her walk on her own territory when we have to. But for now, so she doesn’t run into any more patrols, we’ll take her along.” Aecor turned to the one other member of the patrol, and she flicked her tail.

The other chiravian with green stockings on her legs faced Aecor as well. “Permission to talk privately, Aecor.” Sikla saw the green-pawed chirave give a glance to her.

“Permission granted, Elia.” With that, both chiravians sprung into the air and flapped so that Sikla felt the wind ruffle her fur.

Mayros smiled at Elia and Aecor before staring down at Sikla. “You should run while you can.” He stamped his paws on the ground, his talons scratching the stone.

“Why? They’re alright.” She tried keeping her cool, but in her wretched state, it was probably clear she didn’t like this Mayros chirave.

“I’ve heard them talking, the captains. They’ve been talking about chirlets. And an heir to the Sea Tribe. Now guess what you ar—”

He stopped as Aecor and Elia dived down towards the ground. Sikla tried to stop the fur bristling on her back, wing edges, and even her tail, but she felt them rise.

She stared at Mayros’ wide eyes, but turned a

“Change of plans, young’un,” Aecor said. “We’re still taking you to the border, but we can’t take you to the other side. You don’t have the swimming prowess.” Aecor still had that kindness and sweetness in his voice, but if what Mayros said was true…

“Um…” Sikla danced on her paws. What if he was right?

“Are you alright?” Aecor dipped his head.

“Yeah,” she said slowly. Just wondering if you’ll kill me or not. Instead, she said, “If I can’t swim, then I shouldn’t, right?”

“Exactly.” Aecor started to lope along the river, occasionally stopping to glare across the river. Sikla tried to keep pace but was still at least three lengths behind the patrol.

“Wait! The Boulder’s that way!” she shouted from behind them.

They stopped and whirled. “Ah. We’ve got to finish the patrol.” Aecor lashed his tail slowly.

“But Mayros said something,” she called.

She saw Mayros shrink in his fur and stare at Sikla.

“Is that so?” Aecor threw an angry glance at Mayros. She noticed his claws were splayed out.

“He said I should run while I could.” Just saying it made her heart stop for a second, but looking at the broad grin on his face, Aecor took it as nothing.

In fact, the General was laughing. “Don’t believe that joker,” he said. “He once got me to go looking for a mantis shrimp in the River.”

“They’re saltwater fish, though.”

Aecor nodded. “Exactly. Now let’s keep moving.”

Sikla looked back. She stared back at the river and blinked slowly at the other side. Maybe Mayros was being a joker. If he could get Aecor to look for a shrimp in freshwater, and a very nasty shrimp at that, then he definitely got her.

They ran away from the river and inland, where piles of rock lay across the ground. Where Aecor and the others leapt over them with a flap of their wings, she had to scrabble over them.

Elia kept giving her a glance whenever she lagged back from tiredness. When she saw that Sikla was still following behind, if a bit slowly, she kept trotting through the stone woods.

She danced on her paws for a moment at the thought of Mayros’ warning. What if he was right, though? It didn’t seem like the thing to joke about.

There were barely any trees on this side of the river, and yet there was more shade cast from tall stone towers. The stones weren’t warm like they were back at the sea.

She watched a crow sitting at a nest, glaring down at her with beady eyes.

Her paws got heavier with every step on the cold stone. Soon, she got tired, and went from a lope, to a trot, to a walk, and then finally a full stop.

“Sikla, keep moving. We’re almost back.” Aecor stopped to stare at her.

“Back?”

Aecor paused for a moment. “To drop Mayros and Elia off. Then, we’re taking you to the Boulder.” He pawed the ground, his talons scratching the stone.

But Aecor said that they were finishing their patrol. Two different stories? If he was lying about where they were going, then he was probably lying about Mayros’ deceptive demeanour.

If there was any time to take Mayros’ warning, it was then.

Sikla nodded slowly. “Well, I’ll get a headstart then,” she said uneasily. She turned back from the others and started walking quickly.

She kept her ears turned back as she started trotting down the stone hill.

“She’s getting away.” It was the only female in the patrol, Elia. “I thought—”

“Let her go. If she’s returned safe…”

Sikla started running, hoping she’d have a safe enough headstart.

Then came the deep voice of Aecor. “We’ve gone to far. Mayros, stay back. We’ll get her.”

Get her?

She bolted through the stone terrain faster than she had ever ran. She panted with every stride, but if she could just cross the river…

The stone scraped her paw pads. She had to leap to the side at every stone spire. She twisted and dived through what seemed like hundreds of them, before she stopped. In front of her was a dead end in the stone. There was a cave, but even in there, there wasn’t an escape. The best thing she could do was hide in it until the other Chiravians were gone.

She waited for what seemed like minutes before Aecor and Elia stalked into the clearing, their talons clicking on the rough stone ground.

She watched as Aecor motioned for Elia to move away from the cave. He stepped close to it, making blood pound through Sikla’s ears. He crimson eyes traced his movements. His paw reached into the cave. “Come out before we have to hurt you,” he said. “We just need to ask some questions.”

She stayed still. Ideas ran through her mind. Should she charge him, like she did to Tenrin earlier that day? That was one option. Another was trying to find a hole in the cave that she could crawl into to hide. But in the darkness, that wasn’t going to happen.

She could trust Aecor again. Even after they lied to her and were now trying to imprison her? Ha.

She thought on the first option, but there wasn’t any time. Aecor’s paw and finally touched Sikla’s tail. He knew she was in there.

She glued her wings to her body and leaped out of the cave at Aecor. He jumped back from the charge, but smiled. Sikla watched the exit carefully, but knew that Mayros would be waiting for her.

She ran to the stone wall surrounding them on all sides and ran at Aecor. He had to dodge. Maybe he’d jump into a wall.

He didn’t do either.

He stood taller and swung his paw at her. It connected with her side. The blow winded her and she had no choice but to stop and catch her breath. Then the second blow came, knocking her from her legs and onto the ground. She skidded on the ground, the skin beneath her fur now scraped. She shook her head, stunned, listening to the click of talons on the stone ground. Shake out of it, Sikla. Come on!

She saw the shadows of a chiravian over her and leaped at the brown fur. Aecor tried shaking her off as she scrabbled on his back to avoid the other chiravian’s paws and blows.

He whipped his head so her grip loosened and Sikla reached for the nearest thing she could grab with her beak — his wing.

She cringed as she felt blood fill her beak, but didn’t try spitting it out. She continued climbing on, her mind filled with fear and horror. Her talons grabbed onto his back fur and dorsal fin. She kept her ears tuned to the sounds of battle. They all just blurred.

Aecor spun around completely, dislodging her paws from the chiravian’s back. She still clamped her beak on his wing even as gravity brought her to the ground.

The only thing that pulled her off was a tough headbutt from Aecor. Sikla felt a chunk of flesh go with her beak. She glared up, every inch of fur on her body bristled. She hated the fur in her beak. She hated that there was blood covering her face. She hated that she had absolutely no escape.

Aecor fell with a thud, his wing limp and falling over his side. Blood ran down it, dripping to the ground. With his voice strangled in pain, she heard him say, “Mayros!” There was a pause as she heard another set of paws run on the stone. “Take her to the prisons. We’ll deal with her there. And drop yourself off there while you’re at it for endangerment of your General and your mission.”

The adrenaline drained from her veins, Sikla’s stomach sank as she her scruff was grabbed by Mayros. There was a fierce tug, and she was thrown to the ground. She was dragged along the ground, staring back at Aecor. She didn’t even have the strength to kick or even shout as she was pulled up a mountain to a place she didn’t know.

“You should be sorry.” She caught the voice of Mayros muttering through his beak. “You should’ve run when I said to.”


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113 Reviews


Points: 307
Reviews: 113

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Sat Sep 05, 2015 5:22 pm
Sherri wrote a review...



Hey there, Chiravian!
I missed your prologue, but I'll go back and read it... I love stories like this! :D
First of all, before I move on to nitpicks, I absolutely love your name choices! So unique, and they really fit each character's personality, especially Sikla's. :)
Now, for the most part, I agree with Holofernes, so I won't go too into depth over what was covered in that review.
As such, I don't have a terribly length review for you today, and only have a few nitpicks.
The first is right in the beginning; you use 'green blur' twice really close together, and it was a bit strange to read, mentally or aloud. It's up to you what you do; I just wanted to mention that it did cause an uncomfortable pause while I was reading. :)
Secondly... um... I've lost my secondly! XD Oh dear. I just reread the chapter again and can't find what was bothering me, so I suppose that's it.
You write incredibly well, by the way. Your descriptions flow nicely, you develop characters and differentiate personalities with ease, and I could follow right along without much hesitation. And the names!! xD I can't stress enough how much I love the uniqueness of the names!
Finally, definitely listen to Holofernes' advice on waiting till after you finish to edit. I don't know what you use to write, but I recently started using wordpad. It doesn't use the blue and red squiggly lines to inform you of mistakes--as a perfectionist, when I see these show up, I stop what I'm writing and try to correct them--which tends to slow down my writing. It's more relaxing and a lot quicker to just write your draft, read it over, and edit it after you've finished. It's up to you, but I also post as I write, and it's made writing a lot easier. I always listened to review advice right then and there, but it's been easier for me to take notes on reviews and add the changes afterwards. :) Just some advice.
Happy writing!! Good luck with your book! :D




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Wed Sep 02, 2015 12:36 pm
Caesar wrote a review...



But then, she wasn’t a scaredy shrimp.


Image

Boxing shrimp Tyson disagrees with you and would like to fight you irl over this statement.

Having said that, this was pretty solid. The dialogue flowed smoothly. I was able to understand who the characters are and what they look like even though I notice there's a prologue I skipped, which is good. It's a fine first chapter.

There is only one thing I thought was a bit less solid: the second part of the chapter, where Sikla (neat name by the way) meets the Cave Tribe. I didn't get the sense of mounting unease you were trying to build. There are a few moments that I think could be improved on.

First, when the general and the other are talking in private, and the soldier threatens Sikla. His attitude is very out of place with Aecor's friendliness. I found this a bit abrupt, but it might not be hard to believe. He seems rude and impatient. However, Sikla things nothing of it. Aecor tells her of the change of plans, and Mayros' weird statement is totally forgotten. Personally, had I been in her shoes, I would have already been frantically conjuring what awful things they were going to do to me.

And then, after that, they start taking her in a different direction? Now this is when alarm bells would start ringing. And, to be fair, you do tell me that she is hit by a vague sense of unease, but the key word there is tell me. Instead of saying so, why not show it? Give me a sneak peek into her mind. What is she thinking? Can she think clearly? She tries to reassure herself that it may be an alternate route, but don't stop there. If doubt continues to nag her in the back of her mind, it will keep me on the edge of my seat too.

Another technique I am a fan of, because it can be powerful, is associating the landscape to the character's state of mind. This has some basis in psychology because it is reasonable to think that a distressed character will see a strange forest through another lens, compared to say a ditzy carefree person. This isn't just personal preference. A description of the landscape would help, because it isn't present. In my head they're moving through genericforest.jpg. But you don't want your forest to be generic. Describe it a bit.

Gradually mount the tension until the climax. Give me a new little concerning piece of information slowly. Little gestures, like a glance or a sudden movement suddenly become terrifying. The trees have eyes. Birds caw ominously. Use the background to your advantage.

And now, the climax. A fight. I enjoy fights. As a reader, satisfying combat makes my blood boil. Unfortunately, I've found that writing it is very difficult. There are some things to avoid. The first thing is needlessly long sentences.

She ran back away from them and charged them. She kept her wings glued to her back as she kept running at them, hoping they’d dodge. Mayros and Elia jumped away, but managed to land blows on her back. She stumbled, but kept running at Aecor. He’d have to move.


Kept is repeated way too many times. Whenever you reasonably could, substitute commas for full stops. In a fight, I don't have time to process elaborate thought processes. When I'm reading them, I don't want a sentence to be long. It slows down the fight. Use words that don't have many syllables and try to avoid adverbs as much as possible. They're not really that descriptive anyway.

That was the rule of thumb for fights. I have some nitpicks for this one specifically.

When you say they jumped back, but managed to land blows on her back, how does that sequence? A jump is a good dodge because you can clear a lot of grounds. But then you're not close enough to punch her back. A sidestep would probably be a better move, because you could still get out of her path, but also be close enough to strike her. Choosing your words in a fight is important, because synonyms mean something slightly different, which could alter the fight drastically, like now.


He stood taller and threw his paw at her. It connected with her side,


I may not fully understand this, but if I do: assuming Aecor isn't some kind of Kenshiro, he doesn't have enough force to stop a person running full force with one palm strike. What would happen, I think, is that Aecor's palm would snap, and he would fall to the ground with Sikla on top.


Her talons grabbed onto his back fur and the dorsal fin that was rare on a chiravian. She tried blocking out the sounds of the angry cries from Aecor, and the rushed but afraid ones from the other two Cave Tribers, and even the determined, terrified grunts from herself.

Aecor spun around completely, dislodging her paws from the chiravian’s back. She kept her beak clamped shut on his wing, even as she was pulled down by gravity.


The first part of the quote is another example of too many words in fight scene. While attempting bloody murder, Sikla not only has the time to notice 'wow, a dorsal fin, how rare', but also to process the noise everyone is making individually, and add an adjective to it? I would definitely cut down on this part, if not cut it outright.

The second part isn't something I'd consider incorrect. I just wanted to share with you a neat little trick for what to do when a madman is clinging onto your back with all their weight. Instead of spinning around, try dropping. Your fall will be cushioned by the person's squishy bits, and their fall will be cushioned by the hard, unforgiving ground. If Aecor knew this, the fight would have been over a lot sooner.


So, overall, a solid little chapter with some easily fixed imperfections. Hope this helped
~Ita






Haahaaa. Tyson's a Mantis Shrimp. I'm not fighting that sucker. *Was thinking of scaredy-prawn, but that didn't have the same ring to it.* But thank you for the review! Everything said was really helpful, and I used pretty much all of it to revise it. So, thanks! :)



Holofernes says...


no problem. Have you finished the novel? If not, I don't recommend you edit quite yet.





No I haven't, actually. I kinda post as I write.



Holofernes says...


then save your energy for writing, I'd say.




"I feel like if men sent unsolicited dragon pics instead of *other* unsolicited pics they’d get a lot further in life"
— ShadowVyper