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Chiravian Knights - Chapter 2

by ChiravianSkies


Princess Noctua stared into the black obsidian, trying to send all her thoughts into it. Much to her surprise, it didn’t work. Not a single image came from the glass strapped to a pillar in the cave. The mirror didn’t swirl, or cloud, or anything that Athene told her would happen.

Frustrated, the violet-black chiravian put her head to the metal, silver circlet clinking as it touched the seeing glass. She glared deep into the mirror. “You work fine with Athene. Not me, your princess, Moon Tribe forbid,” she grumbled.

She heard the scraping sound of the stone boulder door open and she cringed. “Alright, Your Highness. I’m done practicing now,” she said dryly. It was her father’s fault that she had to practice a skill she obviously had no ability in. But his theory was that if she practiced enough, she’d become a Seer.

“It’s not King Argryis,” came the voice.

She whirled to see a dusky brown chiravian with the same bright blue paws as his father. He didn’t smile, like he usually was.

Noctua lifted her head and raised her ears. “Dasos!” she cried, flapping into the air. Anyone was welcome, and he was no exception. “It’s good to see you.”

“Nice to see you too.” Dasos stared into the distance for a moment before shaking his head.

Her father, King Argryis, would be here at any moment to see if her seer skills would show through. She raised her brows at Dasos and watched him blink at her distractedly.

“So when are we going to the Boulder? I could probably just go alone…”

“Ha. Aecor wouldn’t let that happen.” He sighed at the mention of his father. “You might get hurt.” He mimicked him with surprising accuracy.

“So if you’re going, then is Aecor?” She tapped her bright golden paws to the ground.

“Aecor can’t come. A trespasser got his wing and it might need to be cut off.” He paused, dipping his head. “Oh. Argryis’ll be meeting us at the Boulder, too.”

Noctua nodded slowly.

“Well, you coming?”

She padded along wordlessly down the lava caves that rounded them out to a perfect smoothness. The lava had long been cooled. Dasos started running down the tunnels at full speed, and Noctua smoothly walked by, following the rule that only seemed to apply to royalty — Never run.

It only took a moment for him to run into the crater of the extinct volano. An immense skylight shone over the top of it, covering the moonlight. He stopped and straightened out, motioning for Noctua to come closer. She smiled, noticing that it wasn’t her that was showing any kind of grace but Dasos, who didn’t have any standards that he was required to keep.

He jumped up a rock and flared one wing out to keep his balance. She watched as he kept his other wing angled toward the wall so he kept balance.

“I thought we were going out the main entrance,” Noctua said.

Dasos turned. “Nope. I wanted to take a different route.”

She nodded with a tense sigh, folded her wings in, and climbed steadily up the smooth lava rock. She dug her talons in with every step in case she slipped. “I never was comfortable on the ramp,” she muttered, her muscles stiff from the tension. Every step made the ground seem just that bit further away, and she wasn’t sure if her wings would hold her if she fell.

“Just close your eyes.”

“How’s that supposed to help?”

Dasos sighed. “Fine. Then just put one paw in front of the other. And stare at my tail-fin.”

Noctua hated feeling like a chirlet as she stared at Dasos’ shark-like fin. He didn’t glance back, but Noctua noticed his ears pricked back.

It wasn’t long when she felt the platform she was walking on widen. She stared out at the sky for a moment, watching the trees from the other Tribes sway in the breeze. She’d nearly forgotten what it was like at the top of the volcano, and the full moon made it so she could even see the Boulder from where she was.

She looked down the volcano’s steep edge and stared for a few moments. “Dasos?” she asked.

There wasn’t even a response as he leaped from the top of the volcano, gave a small flap to dampen his fall, and then landed down on a seemingly minuscule platform below him.

Noctua put her front paws over the edge. Maybe she could just walk down really slowly…

She slipped. “Whoa! Wait! No!” she started saying really quickly before the slide was over. She got off of her stomach and stood on the ledge. Guess she had no choice but to actually leap down. She watched Dasos hop down from platform to platform, pebbles flying behind him.

She jumped glided down, reached her paws out, and grabbed onto the rock. The momentum pulled her off the rock, and once more she flew down the slope.

“Not too far,” Dasos said. Noctua dug her claws into the stone to stop her. She finally skidded to a halt and stared up. Dasos leaped off the platform in front of her and spread his wings out. He didn’t glide, but flapped his large wings and lifted into the air.

Noctua shuddered. Oh how she hated flying. Her wins could buckle at any moment, and then she’d go plummeting to the ground. She pushed her paws into the rock and leapt off. She stretched her wings to slow her fall and took long hard flaps to raise her altitude. She slowed and got to Dasos’ altitude.

The updraft caught her and she was lifted higher. She felt her stomach start dancing. Nevermind, Noctua. She decided to keep her eyes straight on the Boulder, which glowed brightly from where she was.

There was a whoosh as Dasos drifted up in front of Noctua. He didn’t seem to notice her, and she heard his heavy sighs.

Noctua stayed quiet for a few moments, just taking in the sight of the Cave Tribe land’s stone spires, before she looked up to Dasos. “What’s wrong?”

“Father might die, or worse, get seriously crippled. My mother never wanted anything to do with me, but that’s the only chirave in the Moon Tribe who I knew. Not to mention I have no idea what could even happen in there.” He sighed. “I guess my nerves are raw.”

It struck Noctua as odd, seeing Dasos so uncertain about things, not to mention anxious. Noctua was the anxious one usually, and Dasos was the rock to lean on. Of course, when Noctua thought of her father dying, she couldn’t really blame him. “Well, the Moon Tribe isn’t that much different from life…”

“Great. Lune’s going to hate me just as much.”

Noctua didn’t say anything as she dropped a little bit further down. If Dasos was the only one alive that remembered her, then yes. But a bunch of other chiravians might have thought of her as sweet. Dasos wasn’t the only one that kept his mother in the Moon Tribe.

She lowered down slowly so that her talons barely scraped the stones that made a maze through parts of the territory. If her wings gave out, she’d still have something to grab onto.

“Oh my goodness,” she heard Dasos say. She watched him dive down just beside her, landing on the stone floor in a clearing. “Noctua! Come down!”

She stopped and hovered, already feeling herself losing air. She dipped down and hopped off the walls to the ground.

She traced Dasos’ gaze down to the ground and her eyes widened at the very sight of what she was standing in. There was a dry patch of red-brown in the middle of the clearing. She leaped away, flaring her wings. “Do you think—”

“What else?” She met his stare, and she could tell they were both thinking the same thing. This was probably where the trespasser met Aecor.

Dasos traced his wing. “The healers would have to be miracle workers in order to…” He trailed off, staring at the sky. He sighed deeply and started running out the clearing. “We should go.”

Noctua lingered a moment longer, as she couldn’t seem to drag her paws out of there. She caught a patch of blueish green fur. Sea Tribe? She followed his trail — and the other trail with a set of bloody pawprints — out of the maze.

With a glance at the sky, she realized one thing. She was late.

***

Noctua watched carefully as Dasos stared back at the Cave Tribe territory. His head was angled exactly where he could stare back at the old volcano. Noctua felt guilty that she knew what to do and others didn’t. “It’s alright, you know,” she said, flicking to the old stone staircase leading up to the Boulder. Grass grew between each step, the grass nearest the top almost at their haunches.

Dasos turned back, fur flat against his neck. “I know it is. But Father…” He sighed, blinking slowly. “Alright. I’ll go.”

Noctua walked slowly up the stairs, constantly glancing back to see if Dasos was okay. He seemed alright, but she noticed the way his muscles tensed beneath his fur as he walked, and how his wings were raised just above his body in case he would need to run.

He didn’t need to, she felt like telling him, but she decided against it. She didn’t need to patronize him.

The tall grass thinned so that they were brought in front of the boulder. At the top of the hill, she could walk around the boulder and see all the tribes’ territories. There were the tall redwoods and pines of the Forest Tribe; the thin birches and the sandy stretch of beach that the Sea Tribe called their own; and then if she looked back she could see all of the Cave Tribe territory, even the small isolated patches of stone past the volcano.

“Princess Noctua,” a dry voice said. She whirled to see a bright brown chiravian, whom she recognized as Leaf Wind. His green eyes were narrowed, making the green mask on his face more prominent.

She bowed her head respectfully. “Sorry, Chief Leaf Wind.”

He seemed to ignore her, asking his own question. “Where’s your father?”

Noctua looked around, expecting that he was already here. “I—”

“Argryis had to deal with other matters and wanted me to tell you,” a new voice said. Antra. Noctua saw him cast a distrustful glance at Dasos.

He was pacing around the stone, obviously trying to figure out what to do with it. Justifiable, considering he’d never been.

“He’s new… Who is he?” Antra asked.

“Dasos. Aecor’s son.”

Now Leaf Wind was glaring at Dasos. “Well, let’s not delay,” Noctua said, giving a forced smile. She laid down, splaying out her front paws. She closed her eyes, hoping that Dasos would follow suit. And not to mention the two older, more hostile Tribe leaders.

Bathed in the Starlit Boulder’s light, she barely stayed awake for ten more seconds.


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1085 Reviews


Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 11:10 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here to get this out of the Green Room for you.

Full disclosure: I read your prologue earlier, but unfortunately I'm crunched for time, so I don't have time to read your first chapter. I hope I'll still be helpful.

Honestly, this is the sort of thing I'd read the heck out of. I might start following this, if I have the time. I love animal fantasy, and you seem to have something good going here.

Chiravians
I'm not quite sure what they are. I've never heard of them before - did you make the word up? So far, I'm thinking they're a sort of cat-fish-bird hybrid. If I'm wrong, you might want to describe what they look like in more detail so people don't get confused. (Of course, you might have done that in Chapter One and I just didn't realize. XD)

I'm not going to comment on plot, really, since one chapter isn't good enough for me to get the sense of the overall thing.

Littler things

She slipped. “Whoa! Wait! No!” she started saying really quickly before the slide was over.

This is worded a little bit awkwardly. Maybe "she started to say, but the ride was over before the words left her mouth" or something similar.

Noctua stayed quiet for a few moments, just taking in the sight of the Cave Tribe land’s stone spires, before she looked up to Dasos. “What’s wrong?”

“Father might die, or worse, get seriously crippled. My mother never wanted anything to do with me, but that’s the only chirave in the Moon Tribe who I knew. Not to mention I have no idea what could even happen in there."

This whole chunk of dialogue seemed really odd to me. If Noctua already knew that his father was hurt, why would she ask what's wrong? Wouldn't she just assume that he was worried about his father? And if she didn't know, his response doesn't seem to fit. In general, his dialogue is oddly unemotional.

I'd also like to know why it's important for him to know a "chirave," but I'm assuming I would/will if I read the rest of the story.

One final thing - you use "alright" about 4-5 times during the story. Usually, it doesn't matter all that much, but it does look a lot more professional to use "all right," and it is technically proper grammar. In a published novel, it would always be "all right." So you might want to fix that.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with this, and I hope this review was helpful!




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Points: 240
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Sun Sep 27, 2015 5:06 am
ParanormalMyth wrote a review...



Hey! Happy Review Day! Team Crafty Scribbles is totally gonna crush this, even though Big Bang is currently in the lead. But, slow and steady wins this race! (By gosh I sound like my mom.)

#000000 "> The Review!


#004000 ">Plot

Spoiler! :
#004000 "> I'll talk a bit about the prologue first chapter as well, but try and focus on this one.
Prologue:
The prologue was definetly one of the better ones I've read. It added suspense, and left me as a reader wanting to know more!
Chapter 1:
I really enjoyed chapter 1! It was well written, and kept my interest.

Chapter 2/This Chapter:
I was surprised to see that this chapter was about different characters. Other than that intial surprise, this chapter was awesome! It's always hard to critique your plots, because they stew so well done. You do a great job with keeping readers hooked, and making them want to read on. This chapter was no exception, and I'm excited to see what exactly they do at this Boulder place. :) The description is also really great.


#FF0000 ">Characters

Spoiler! :
#FF0000 "> So far there's a lot of characters to keep up with. This works for some novels, and I think this may be one of them. Just make sure to not forget about/leave any characters behind. You haven had this problem so far, so keep that up!
Each character seems to have their own unique personality, which I like. You've done a great job with character development. :)


#800080 ">Other

Spoiler! :
#800080 "> N/A


#000080 ">Typos/Grammar/Odd Sentences

Spoiler! :
#000080 ">
He didn’t smile, like he usually was.

This sentence seems a bit odd, which I'm pretty sure is because of the "was" maybe a "would" would work better?

Her father, King Argryis, would be here at any moment to see if her seer skills would show through. She raised her brows at Dasos and watched him blink at her distractedly.

I personally feel like the first sentence of this is a bit out of place. It's a good piece of information, it just seems a bit odd to be with the sentence before and after it.


She padded along wordlessly down the lava caves that rounded them out to a perfect smoothness.

I can pinpoint why, but this sentence reads a bit odd to me. My only thought is that maybe it's the "them", which could possibly sound better as "themselves". But I'm honestly not sure if that's it or not.

It only took a moment for him to run into the crater of the extinct volano.

Simple typo, it should be "volcano".

He jumped up a rock and flared one wing out to keep his balance. She watched as he kept his other wing angled toward the wall so he kept balance.

This section is a bit repetitive because of using "balance" twice. Maybe you could replace one of the "balance"s with "himself steady", or something like that.

She jumped glided down, reached her paws out, and grabbed onto the rock. The momentum pulled her off the rock, and once more she flew down the slope.

The beginning of this is a bit off, with the "jumped glided".

Her wins could buckle at any moment,

Another simple typo, it should be "wings" instead of "wins"




Have a great day!

~Myth





I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47