The Pilgrim- Interlude 1

by Catalyst

Published April 16, 2016

12+

In The Pilgrim

Author's notes-

It's been a while, and I apologise for that. Real life and Writer's Block hit be at the same time, and its killed my writing recently. However, here's a short little interlude between Chapters, and hopefully we'll be right back on track from now on! I hope you enjoy, rip it to shreds! 

There was almost no interval between the rustle of the keys and the cell door slamming open. The prisoner glanced up, putting his quill to rest. He was a thin, frail man, reasonably young. His hair fell down in a greasy, white mop.

There was the shuffling of leather, cloth and metal as two guards strode in. They turned sharply, flanked the door and slammed the ends of their polearms into the stone floor. Between them, a man walked in lightly. He was thin, his face showing the light contours of middle-age. His black hair was perched on his head, not a stray strand poking out. His clothes were impeccably clean and straight, finely tailored silk and cloth, embellished with silver adornments.

He cleared his throat, before speaking in a clear, monotonous tone;

“Farren.”

The prisoner held his gaze, reclining in his chair. It squeaked, softly. He remained silent.

The man, slightly perturbed, continued, producing a letter with a flourish;

“We received this from our informer in Boros. From the Cadavers rest, specifically” A distasteful flash broke his composure for a moment as he mentioned the prison. “They quite recently found the boy’s cell vacant, utterly deprived of any visible damage. The boy is missing, and five searches of the wastes have yet to find him.”

He paused a moment, expecting response. Hearing none, he hurriedly withdrew another sheet from his coat. He folded it out, holding it before the prisoner.

“As you yourself have stated, in order to have you’re sentence shortened you have agreed to cooperating with us as necessary in matters concerning The Boy.”

He straightened, looking down at the prisoner with a gaze that demanded a response. After a moment, Farren leaned forward onto the desk with a prolonged sigh. He began toying with his quill, spinning it between his fingertips.

“Is that all, then?” He said, listlessly.
The man spluttered.

“Is that all? Are you quite mad? This is of vital importance, and as you yourself have stated, failure to comply with our terms will result in---“

Farren waved his hand dismissively.

“All right, I see this is quite important to you. Quite disappointing, you understand. My first visit in some time and it’s over something as trivial as him”. He looked at the floor glumly.

The man tucked the papers away, looking at Farren with a patient look, as one speaks to a child.

“Well then? Out with it! Where is he, how did he escape and where is he going?”
Farren looked at him disinterestedly.

“Mm. Quite a mystery. Unfortunately, I’m no fortune teller or a pellar.”

“Surely you know something!”
“Mm. Well, as for how he escaped, that’s to be expected. His kind are an unpredictable sort, no two the same. I did warn you. Stone isn’t enough to keep a Kindreth. You ought to have made an exception with that magic taboo you’re people have.” He flicked the quill into the air, balancing it on his index finger.

“We—I’m not--- That isn’t---- Where is he, then?” The man had lost a good deal of ground, and was struggling to regain composure. One of the guards coughed, a sonorous sound in his golden helmet, which was hooked like a beak.

“Where is he... you Oerion do get worked up over these things, don’t you? Very scared of what you can’t stab, or gut, or hang, or burn, or drown, or…” Farren paused, waiting for the reaction. He received burning silence. Farren sighed again, twirling the quill slowly, now.

“No fun, are you? Well, it’s possible he’s performed a form of teleportation, whether intentional or not. Now that he’s free he’ll likely be heading towards the nearest source of Kindreth Magic. That being other Kindreth. Kindreth, especially young ones, are quite drawn towards one another, you see”.
He paused. His visitor had simmered down slightly.

“Since you folk have likely killed any Kindreth in the Frigid (Probably why the place is so insufferably lifeless and dreary), that would mean the nearest would be…”

His eyes glazed in thought.

“The Mountains of Izalea, I suppose. The place is bustling with Kindreth. North of Saldea, East of the Prison, several hundred miles of ice and sorrow between.”
“I know precisely where it is, thank-you very much”

Farren looked over at a sundial on the wall, constructed from strategically placed scratches.

“Pilgrims should be there at this time of the year”.

The visitor peered over at the sundial, then quickly withdrew so as to avoid any sign of being impressed.

“Is that quite it?” Farren had resumed his writing.

“Yes--- that ought to do. You’d best pray this gets cleared up relatively quickly. The higher administration are very… dislodged, for lack of a better word”

Farren chuckled.

“How peculiar you Oerion are…”

“You’re cooperation is appreciated”.

The quill stopped.

“Hm? Oh, I don’t see the harm. However much you try… however much you deceive yourself…”

He smiled, as if in memory.

“You’re still chasing a God.”

The cell door closed on a twisted, knowing grin.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Messenger
Review
Messenger wrote a review Review · May 4, 2016

hey! this does not deserve to be in the cold green room of Unreadness for so long! Luckily I have come to rescue it!

reasonably young

But reason can differ from person to person. Reasonably is a very broad term that's hard to visualize. While you want a reader to see the world in their eyes, you have to give them some guidance, and it's just hard to imagine what reasonably means here. Is he reasonably young compared to his great-grandfather, or is he reasonably young compared to his twenty year old brother? It's a lot of grey area that makes for a hard visual. Perhaps you could take a look at it and see if you can use wording slightly more specific to explain his age in a quick way.

“We received this from our informer in Boros. From the Cadavers rest, specifically”

Need a period at the end of the sentence before the closing quotation marks.

“As you yourself have stated, in order to have you’re sentence shortened you have agreed to cooperating with us as necessary in matters concerning The Boy.”

I'd advise considering a way to shorten this. I understand what the man is saying, but it's kinda wordy. Perhaps just say: "You've agreed to helps us with matters concerning the boy, if we will shorten your sentence," or a variation off of that. Also, why is "The Boy" capitalized here, but not the first time he mentions him?

You ought to have made an exception with that magic taboo you’re people have.”

Your, not you're

“We—I’m not--- That isn’t---- Where is he, then?”

Too many dashes. One will do just fine. It's similar to having more than three ellipses. It looks cluttered and choppy. Also, that comma looks out of place, but I'm not sure if it should be removed or not.

ok so I'm finished. First off: you have a lot of small things like punctuation outside of quotation marks and such. Also, lots and lots of ellipses. It's distracting. Even without them I could feel the pause in the conversation. They are just kind of cluttery. which isn't a word :D but I think you know what I mean. also, watch out for words ending ly. They're easy to slip in, but in the end leave a lot of mystery to what you mean by them. I struggle with this as do a lot of writers, so don't feel like it's a major problem. It's quite common but changing it helps the story come to life more.

Interesting premise, although I'm quite confused. you talk as though Farren is a prisoner, with the sentences of his punishment being lightened, but them he seems to be the one in charge of the whole thing. The general ,or whoever the inquirer is has got some sort of leverage on him, and yet he seems completely baffled. Other than that I like the bit of world-building. By having someone inquire it gives you an advantage to mention and world build without it being telly or info-dumping it on the reader. It's an interesting hook on the end. Not a cliffhanger, but it definitely leaves mystery and a want to come back.

If you have any questions about this review please ask!

~Messy

Thanks so much for the review!
This was really helpful and inspiring, lemme just address a few points. And if it was confusing in any way, please note that this is the first interlude, not chapter.
I absolutely agree with you about the cluttered text, it's something I need to work on, as well as the "ly" words. Anyway, thanks a bunch,hope you enjoyed!

User avatar
burninhell
Review
burninhell wrote a review Review · Apr 17, 2016

Hiya!
Me again.
And again, I loved this!!!
I presume that the boy that they are both talking about is the child mentioned at the end of chapter 2? If so then so many more questions are raised, if not then there are yet again more questions. This whole mystery is killing me in the best way possible :)

You ought to have made an exception with that magic taboo you’re people have.

Small grammatical error here. I think it should be 'your' rather than 'you're'. There are a couple of similar errors
“You’re cooperation is appreciated”.

This for example also needs to be a 'your'.

But anyways, that's only a small thing. And I still absolutely love this. Farren seems like a great character, I hope that we get to see more of him, and find out more about him. Like why he was imprisoned in the first place.
But yep, I loved this, and cannot wait until the next chapter :)

Thanks so much for the review, its really appreciated! I'll watch out for similar grammatical issues in the future, and I'm really glad you're enjoying it. This is where the story is really going to begin unfolding!

Yay! I can't wait :)



See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. Ask for no guarantees, ask for no security.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451