Whether the events took place over moments, or hours, was unclear. Details slipped away, sinking into darkness, leaving hazy, broken memories. Dashing through a herb garden. A fire roaring as it charged through a tavern. A bloodied, charred stump of flesh and bone, emitting a tortured scream. And the bolts. They showered down with the fury of a God, volley after volley, spilling fire into the paths, and houses, and stables.
Then, clearer images emerged. A large creature heaving a wagon. A broad brimmed straw hat. The jolt and buckle of a wagon. A piercing pain, from where Nira could not determine. And faces. Leaping over the wall. Clothed in clothes the colour of ash, flames curling around their fingertips.
And then, silence.
Pilgrims do not choose to take the forsaken path. Nor do they get a chance to have their names drawn. The names were drawn many generations ago. Family names. Blackrose. Ashthorn.
Goldweave.
Upon being accepted as a member of the Church, the chosen heir leaves. Towards the Mountains of Izalea, the solemn giants that guard the path to the Ashen Lands. It is said, within those grey plains, a golden phantasm roams, to lead the pilgrim. To lead them to the Xephir.
Those legends were sung by bright, hopeful voices long ago. They ended with bated breath long ago.
Twenty-seven generations have passed. No pilgrim has returned. Long ago, the pilgrims were burdened with trinkets of good fortune, with artefacts of the Church. Now such liberality is considered wasteful. Some have proposed an organised attempt. Muster soldiers and High Priests. March through the mountains, to the Ashen Lands. But they were abandoned. The scriptures were written with unalienable intent. They fear breaking the great virtues. They fear another collapse.
And so, on the twenty-seventh cycle, the pilgrims were sent. They dwindle in number, now. Only nine were sent, slowly parting, as if chains were coiled around their legs. The mists that coil around the mountain-tops and laugh like cruel spectres. The shadows reach out as if to embrace them as they pass under the shade of the mountains. The wind blows bitterly, as if to chastise them. And the pilgrim walk, separate, eventually. With shawls around their necks, generously sized to serve as a blanket in the freezing peaks.
Some villages mock, and make merriment from the morbid fate of the pilgrims. Others throw flowers at the feet of the white hooded emissary. Some simply nod, in unspoken well wishes.
Only one tried to stop a pilgrim.
Nira woke up suddenly. She was in a room, a small one, of wood. She could see little, in the haze of early morning. She was lying on a hard surface. She began to get up, and a molten, stabbing pain pierced her side, a gasp escaping her. She looked at her side. It seemed her torso had been crudely bandaged. She tenderly touched the wound, peeling off a bandage. The flesh was charred, shrivelled.
She got up, slowly, like an ageing woman. She gripped something—she didn’t know what, and managed to stand unsteadily. Shockwaves bounded along her skull. A fever beat down on her. Her knees shook. Her vision blurred, steadied, cleared.
The room was certainly cramped. It was filled to the brim with a colourful assortment of trinkets. A wooden carving of an owl stood perched on a table. A display case filled with clouded gemstones. Necklaces, earrings, baubles, charms. Carpets and canvases rolls up neatly. Carved furniture, towering piles of books.
She took a step towards the door, nearly buckling as the fever crashed down upon her. Another. Her steps were becoming steadier, more confident. She reached the door, and opened it, took another step.
And fell into dew-dropped grass. Her robes quickly soaked, her shawl more resistant. She spluttered.
“Honestly, you’d think you were drunk. I suppose that wound of yours is worse than it looked. Or maybe it’s the blood loss, I’m certainly no physician. I do have some herbs and the like in the wagon, if you think it would help. I have not a clue with such things, and I’d guess half of them are expired.”
The voice was familiar. Yoels.
She got up, unsteadily, squinting as her eyes adjusted to the warm morning light. Yoel was there, sitting atop a small terrace, chewing the end of a pipe. A large animal was there, as well. Bulky, and hooved, with two curling horns protruding from its head. It wore a coat of dry brown fur.
Still in a state of delirium, she could still only just muster words, leaning against what was supposedly the wagon.
“Wha… what is that…”
She pointed vaguely in the direction of the beast.
Yoel chuckled. “Of all the questions… that’s Chestnut, my Kori. You’re familiar with them?”
She distantly remembered seeing similar pack animals along the country road. The fresh air was beginning to clear her mind.
“What happened… last night? Where… why are we here?”
Yoel puffed a smoke ring into the air, looking at it fondly for a moment, before responding.
“It would appear the village was attacked. By whom, I’ve not a clue. Pyromancers, that much is clear. I’ve never seen bandits of the like, certainly none that strong. The whole sky was lit! Yes, yes, certainly something outside of the ordinary. And a wonder we escaped! I say, that old mayor seemed ferocious, although I barely got a glimpse. He was shouting at me, ushering me away, Anya had Chestnut pulling the cart already, and then… goodness, I hardly remember it. All a flurry, it was! Perhaps the haze of the night, I swear on my pride I saw the old fellow holding a weapon. Quite fitting, I’d say, for such a fellow.” He blew another ring, glancing at Nira, vaguely curious as to whether she had slumped back into unconsciousness. Surprisingly, she seemed more awake than before, staring at him intently.
“What has you so… calm?” She was fully upright now, ignoring her pounding headache.
“Hm? Oh, some good drink, as soon as we were safe.” He said wistfully, gesturing around at the surrounding clearing.
“You’re not drunk, are you?”
“Of course not, of course not. Just some whiskey to still the nerves, that’s all. And I’d reckon I deserve it, getting us here in the twilight, with only a lantern to guide me! And our luck that the scourge didn’t find us!”
He leaned back, taking a long draw of his pipe.
“Then we’d best be on our way.” Nira rose, readjusting her shawl.
“Hmm? It’s only the early hours, no rush. You sit down, give your wounds some time.”
“We have two days to reach Embryss.”
Yoel sighed.
“Mm. A shame. I was hoping the delirium would have you forget. Still, I’m a man of my word. I’ve little in the way of food, but we can restock at the next town. Come, you’ll sit in the wagon. You can’t walk with those wounds.”
Nira climbed up onto the terrace, and spotted the road through the snow-tipped bushes.
“I can walk perfectly well.” She said this with an air of such inarguable self-evidence that Yoel didn’t bother protest. He simply nodded, and extinguished his pipe with a regretful glance.
Within the hour, they had settled into a thoughtful silence along the road. The Kori, Chestnut, heaved the wagon along with surprising speed, lumbering along behind them. Yoel had struck up a hum, timing a simple melody with his footsteps. Nira kept a wary eye on the leaning treeline and jagged boulders.
“It’s strange,” Nira ventured, glancing at Yoel. “Anya seemed to recognise those… the ones who attacked us. You saw her face, didn’t you?”
“Mm. Not so strange, considering the contents of the letter.”
The pilgrim missed a step, quickly catching herself. “You read it?” She looked at him incredulously.
“Little else to do while I was waiting. Unfortunately, it was written in Drake-Tongue. Impressive, I must say. I could only read a fraction.”
“And?”
“Enemy. Fire. As I said, I know only a few words. I’ll tell you, it certainly wasn’t an invitation to dinner. What’s clear was that the old man knew of their coming, whoever they were.”
For a time, they were silent. A starling shot up from the snow, a flash of black and white. The trees thinned as they reached the crest of the cliff. Below them, the mountains parted, creating a narrow valley. A stone arch stretched over the valley, snow sloping down its sides.
“Well, it seems we’re making quite some headway! There’s the Grey Pass.”
Nira sheltered her eyes from the bitter wind, gazing down at the valley.
“Where’s Embryss?”
“Just out of view, beyond that Arch, and through the valley. I’d say this is a fine time to eat, eh?”
He left Nira gazing at the valley for some time. She heard a rustling within the wagon. He emerged, presenting some bread and salted meat.
As they ate, both finding relatively snow-free areas on the rocks, the events of the night before seemed distant. The sun had reached its peak, shining through the clouds.
“Yoel?”
“Mm?”
“Why was it they were calling you a thief back at the village?”
His face darkened for a moment. Then he laughed.
“Oh, it was quite an unfortunate misunderstanding. A fellow was looking to purchase one of the little treasures I’ve collected—a silver carving, a wolf head, quite marvellous, I must say. Well, a fellow came to take it on his behalf, and—“
A twig snapped, ringing clearly through the crisp air. They turned, searching the treeline for any threat. A figure stumbled from the woods, clutching their side. The figure was short. Extremely so, clearly a child. He drew nearer. They could hear his ragged breath. The blood-stained snow behind him.
“Who..?” Yoel began.
And then the child called their names.
End of chapter
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Good day, Cups here to serve a delicious interview!

I really like how you started this chapter. You caught our attention with the action. Enough of this preamble. Let's get started!
This was an AWESOME paragraph. You get short sentences, which make it seem more urgent, and you catch wind of just enough where it makes sense. The only thing that seems a little awkward, is where you say "Clothed in clothes". The words sound a bit strange together, but this is something very easy to fix! Just replace "clothes" with something similar, like "clad"!
Unfortunately, I had a bit of a difficult time understanding the rest of it, but I think I got the basic gist.
Are you a fan of Tolkein? Because I can't help but notice the similar styles of writing you have.
Thanks so much for the review(s)!
Shame you had trouble understanding the chapter. The thing I'm working on the most right now is making my stories clear and flowing well.
And as for your question-- Is the sky blue?
It's probably just me. (I'm not the brightest bulb in the box. XD)
And I thought so, you have that same whimsical way of writing on occasion.
HELLO
This one felt off. I didn't like the repetition of 'clothe'. I get that clothed is a verb and clothes is a noun and they are both different, but still. Perhaps you could reword it to something else. There are tons of other synonyms for clothed or clothes.I am sorry that I'm late. I'm just really good at procrastinating. I didn't mean it, if that's what you thought. ;-; *cough*Imalwaystoobusyplayingdota*cough*
So, I didn't review the first chapter because I realized that you didn't need one there. Mistakes were already corrected by the others, and if I were to review it, I would have only said praises. I don't really like saying only praises. That shouldn't be called criticizing, right? Anyways, I thought that I should help you not by only saying good things about your work but also pointing out its flaws.
Despite what I said, I'm going to praise your work. You clearly have the details nailed down, and it seems to me that as a writer, you've got your voice out. I'm not really good at writing fictional stories so I don't know how to express my feelings with this. But it was a fun read, and I like the pilgrim idea you've got going on here. I enjoyed the first chapter, and I enjoyed this one too, especially the last part with the child. I was caught off guard and began pondering about who this child is.
The starting paragraph is also fine, and shows perfectly well how blurry everything that happened is.
This too, considering the transitions used, is kind of off. You used 'then' for both paragraphs. I know it isn't that big of a deal, but when I'm reading, it just feels strange. Perhaps a variety in transition would be better. For example, the "And then, silence" part could be "And afterwards, silence." or something. I know, afterwards doesn't have much of an effect, but... but the transitions, man! xD (don't mind me, I haven't reviewed anything in weeks, so I'm a bit ignorant/stupid right now.)
Okay, I have just wrote something in here but I deleted it because I thought it was going nowhere.
...yeah, I'm a terrible reviewer. It was going to be about third person limited, et cetera. Welp, to enhance my poor review, I'm going to give you an article on third persons. Also, I recommend the blog from which this article is published in, because it gives novelists many effective tips. https://ellenbrockediting.com/2013/12/0 ... t-of-view/
I like the interactions between Nira and Yoel. So far, my favorite character here is Yoel because I'm curious about him and I like fictional characters who drink. Weirdly, this interest never wears off.
So, as a whole, I liked the ideas you have, I like the suspense the last part gives off, I love the details you have put here in your work because it shows that you can picture your story vividly. As a novelist, you have a long way to go, but considering the fact that you're 14 and you wrote this... (by this I mean this novel which no 14 year old in my area would ever consider writing because they are busy posing for their selfies and bashing other people on social media) you're going to do great later on. I can sense it. Call me if one of your work gets published. xD
OKAY, AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING~ o3o
Oh, geez, don't feel bad! I procrastinate with the best of em'
That article was super helpful, and I absolutely get what you mean about transitions and third-persons; its something I'm working on to improve.
Anyway, thanks for the review, it was super helpful, I'm glad you enjoyed the piece!
YAY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD THERE.
...You know what I mean.
Okay.
*cough* You're such a friendly unicorn. By the way, real life koris don't really look like beasts, more like potato birds. Don't mind me, just info. o3o http://cdn1.arkive.org/media/56/569A2AF ... rofile.jpg
KORIS ARE A THING?!
...
I should really google my fantasy gibberish before inserting it into a story.
HAHAHA. Yes they are, but it's okay. I prefer your version of a Kori though o3o
*Chestnut nods approvingly*
Hello!

Okay, so just like the last chapter I loved this. The cliffhanger at the end... definitely wants me to read on
This time around I couldn't find any grammatical errors, that being said I wasn't really looking for them because I got so wrapped up in the chapter and wanting to know what was going to happen next. The whole way though the chapter I wanted to know what was going to happen next actually, which is great!
Just one small thing that I noticed,
To me this line seems to flow a little strangely. I don't know if it was the repetition of the word bandage/bandaged in such a short space of time, but perhaps it could be reworded to make it flow a little smoother?
But that was the only little thing I noticed in this whole chapter, and it does absolutely nothing to take away from how much I loved this piece!
This was one of the best lines in the piece in my eyes, it's so mysterious and I can't wait to find out who this 'one' is.
But yep, it was awesome, I cant wait to read the next parts
Thanks so much for the review!
(Everyone has a bone to pick with that bandage line, I should really slap myself for messing up there)
Anyway, glad you enjoyed it, this was really helpful and inspiring (As always)
Hey, Catalyst.
This is quite a nice way to describe it, although I think 'sinking into darkness' is pushing it to be something dramatic just for the sake of being dramatic. I think the context would still be unaffected without it.
I like the imagery you have in the opening paragraph, this one included. However, connotation is important when you choose a word, so 'showered' doesn't work well with 'the fury of a God', because the former brings in a positive connotation while the latter is in contrast of that.
There are an abundance of passive voice in this chapter. It was something I once did as a writer too, but at some point, many reviewers told me active voice delivers the message more strongly than passive voice. A paragraph that stands out for the use of the latter is this:
And I think it can be turned around as an active voice. 'Long ago, the Church burdened the pilgrims with trinkets of good fortune and artefacts' is less wordy and more direct.
I... would need an explanation as to why she removes something that is clearly put to help her heal? Is there some reason for this removal? Anyway, what she's been through must be horrible. I haven't read the first chapter, but the events here sure are interesting. Although it's not explained in full details here, its impact is no less strong to the readers.
The word structure is rather odd. I think 'and' is better put between the second and third action, as that would be correct grammatically, and let the sentence flows better.
I also notice you tend to use fragments as stand-alone. While they're and effective tool, they shouldn't be used to the point where their appearance is common. Sometimes is okay. Few is even better.
Yoel's statement makes it clear the bandage shouldn't be removed. ._. This particular detail just sticks to my mind.
I like the air of mystery around Yoel. The issue about him being a thief is interesting too; I wonder what's the part left unsaid--and if he's speaking the truth. The question of who is enough for me to read on, but the suspense really kicks in when there's the appearance of a child. Perhaps he's lost or something, but the blood-stained snow gives me the chill. And what's with the ragged breath? Something's wrong with that child.
Anyway, this is a solid chapter, more so at the latter part of it. Keep up the good job!
Hey there, thank-you very much for the review, it was super helpful! I'll watch out for those issues, especially those concerning fragments. I admit the peeling of the bandage was poorly described-- It was more of a timid peek at what was underneath rather than ripping the whole thing off, sorry for the confusion!
Yolo peoples!!!!! LadyRanicorn here for another AMAZING review!!!!!!! Okay, I only had to read the first paragraph to number one find out your writing style, and number two to figure out that you are AMAZING at writing!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE all of the descriptions that you put into this amazing novel!!! It really helps the reader visualize the scene in their heads, even if they're not very good at imagining things. Since I didn't read the first chapter, things did get a little bit confusing to me. However, you did give me a lot of background information in this book to help me, or the readers, to get a better visualize of the story in case they didn't read the first chapter, I liked that about this story. What I have a question on is how the pilgrim got those wounds in the first place, probably explains it in the first chapter, but like I said, I didn't read the first chapter. I also liked the beginning, probably my favorite part of this whole entire chapter. I also enjoyed that you added the whole magical part, where the church gives the people the trinkets of good luck, like most people do in modern society, wait, that not be true actually, never mind!!!! Good gravy, I just realized just how much I have reviewed on this thingy, got to go before I mess up the reviewing system!!! Until next time, LadyRanicorn out!!!!
Thanks for the review! Let's just say those wounds exist because a fireball got acquainted with Nira's side!
I'm glad you enjoyed it, regardless of not totally understanding it!
You be welcome!!!! I probably got a new record for the review I just wrote...
Aha! I came looking for a second chapter. I wasn't disappointed.
Time for another review!
Your descriptions are impeccable, as usual, and I love how you're revealing your world's lore little by little. I'm wondering what the pilgrims are after and why they keep being sent. I wonder why none return. I wonder what it was that attacked the village...
You started almost all of the sentences in this paragraph with "She", and the others also began with the subject, so it feels a little choppy here. Try rewriting a few of the sentences to give it some variety.
Otherwise, owwww~ why did she peel off the bandage? Your descriptions are just as poignant here as they've been since the beginning of the story. I kind of envy you for that.
I noticed you used an em-dash here! Although I think, after the phrase offset by an em-dash, you would have another em-dash rather than a comma:
"She gripped something--she didn't know what--and managed to stand unsteadily."
So it's magic...I wonder what other kinds of magic there are in this world. And I wonder why someone would want to attack that village. I'm wondering so many things, but I don't doubt I'll get answers before long!
Could that mean there are dragons here too?
Well! I'll be looking forward to reading more of this. You weave such a complete and tangible world, I feel like I could be there with them. And I like Yoel...My, I like every bit of him, I'm not even sure where to start. His relaxed nature, his slight teasing, his pipe and whisky. What a character! If I read further, I might even end up with a little crush on him.
Thanks for posting another chapter so soon! I'll be looking forward to reading more. I have so many questions, and I need answers! ^_^
Thank-you so much for the review!
I'll watch out in future for the repetition at the beginning of sentences. I'm afraid there'll probably be a sizeable delay between this chapter and the next, as I have some competitions that need tending too- However, as always, this was super helpful and inspiring! Thanks!