Author's Notes-
Writing Frenzy! In all seriousness though, I'm quite glad I took a short break from writing this-- I'm back, and more inspired than ever! So, things are about to get more interesting, and I realise that questions are beginning to mount a little high, so I assure you we'll be getting answers to at least a few in the next Chapter! I hope you enjoy, and as always...
Rip it to shreds.
Two hours had passed, and the sun had sunk to a point just above the arch. Slung across Chestnut’s back was the boy. His hair was a jumbled mess of golden-red. It was clear that at any other time, his face would possess a bright glow. Now, however, it was a deathly pale, his face gaunt, eyes sunken. His chest quivered up, then sunk down at a frighteningly slow and timid rate. Chestnut, seeming to grasp the urgency of the situation, had lumbered into something of a canter, to put it generously.
The wind, at least, had subsided as they hurried down the mountain-path. Pines loomed on all sides, seeming to bend over them imposingly.
Nira had spent only a few moments hastily bandaging the boy until her face had paled almost the same shade as his own. She recalled with a shudder; the wound was deep, the flesh quite simply shredded away. Blood seeped from the wound, dyeing the snow in a wide radius. She looked up at Yoel hopelessly. He caught her glance, nodded, and within moments was bucking Chestnut into a trot.
The nearest village lay at the foot of the valley slope—Yurdi, Yoel had called it. It was impossible to determine how long the boy would last. As it was, it was remarkable that his breath had remained steady thus far.
Minutes passed. Another, another, another. The corridor of trees continued, unchanging. Snow hampered them, causing even Chestnut to lose footing occasionally. Yoel continued slapping the beast in the thigh, between long draws of a flask. Nira found herself checking the boy more and more often.
They stopped again, as their unspoken contract demanded so that the boy could be examined. Nira placed a hand on his chest, and for one dreadful moment felt nothing. Then, the slightest flutter within the chest, a feeble pulse, a quivering breath. She sighed with relief, before the worry wormed its way back. She turned to Yoel.
“How far to… Yurdi?” The unfamiliar name rolled off of her tongue awkwardly.
Yoel didn’t meet her gaze. He drew a slow breath.
“A few hours. At least.”
Nira felt her heart plummet.
“He’ll---“
Yoel nodded solemnly. He withdrew a flask and took a long draw.
“I… might have a few medicines in…” He gestured doubtfully towards the wagon, his spirits gone.
For a moment, there was silence. Only the weighty breeze, and Chestnut stamping her hooves.
At last, Yoel looked at the frail, limp body. For the first time, Nira realised.
“I… do wonder how he ended up… we should enquire… or…”
Suddenly, a wind-chime sounded, a clear and crisp jingle. The party straightened very suddenly.
“Who…?” Nira began.
Yoel rushed towards the sound. “A pellar, maybe. Or a
trader, or… they can help!”
Nira raised her hand, then lowered it and followed with a sigh.
The trees quickly enveloped them, pillars holding up a bristling green roof. Twigs snapped underfoot, snow slumped at the edge of trees. The wind-chime, again, louder now. Closer.
With a grunt, Yoel pushed a stray branch away. It bended, and as he passed, snapped backwards, only just missing Nira, who side-stepped lightly, then followed with a grumble.
They reached a clearing. Wind-chimes hung from the trees all around, jingling softly. Verdant grass filled the clearing, in contrast to the podzol. Bright flowers dotted the grass, not a flake of snow visible. In the centre of the clearing, a small, perfectly circular pool of water, surrounded by a twisted, wooden material, which looked almost like tree roots. And crouched in the shallow water was a figure.
It took Nira’s eyes a moment to adjust to the harsh light, then several moments to believe what she saw.
The figure was tall, clothed in only a white cloth around its waist, which snaked up his torso and hooked around his left shoulder. His skin… was almost indescribable. It seemed like he was made of smooth, clouded glass. Within his form, bright veins pulsed visibly, in golds, purples, and blues. His face was concealed by a mask of light wood, upon which was engraved an eye.
Yoel skidded to a halt, arm darting instinctively to where a scabbard would have rested if he carried a weapon. Nira would have noted this, but she herself had frozen upon seeing the creature.
Held as if by a trance, they watched, mouths partially hanging open, as the figure turned, unblinking eye swerving around to meet them. It spoke, but not with words. Not audible ones, at least. Instead, the words seemed to form inside their skulls, whispering softly.
“Peculiar. I could have sworn… Mm, yes I still sense it. One of my kind. Near. Very near indeed.”
It seemed to regard them.
“I did not… anticipate that my kind would foster human company. My senses… they’ve dulled with time, it seems. A long time, it’s been, since I revealed myself to you’re kind.” The creatures glowing form straightened, gazing back to where the two had come from. “Mm. Pain. Insufferable pain. I do wonder… well, a wraith, I suppose. How young, how feeble… recently born anew…”
The eye swung to Yoel.
“You… mm, an intelligent one, it seems.”
Yoel stammered something indecipherable.
“Bring him to me. He is… dyeing, is he not? I… could aid him. A young one… a shame, it would be.”
Yoel slowly stepped backwards, glanced at Nira, nodded very quickly, and then departed hastily.
Nira and the creature were alone.
The figure turned away, stepping out of the pool. It began examining one of the flowers.
Nira straightened cautiously, not realising her muscles had knitted themselves together.
“Who..?” Her voice was weak, timid. She cleared her throat to repeat, but the voice was already echoing around her mind.
“You are a peculiar one, as well. Mm. I… recognise you’re robes, yes, yes. A… pilgrim, are you not?”
Nira nodded, a tad braver now.
“What are you?” She felt a small feeling of pride as her voice rang strong. Or, stronger, at least.
“I am…” It paused a moment, as if considering. “You may call me Kui. You’re kind recognise mine as…. Kindreth... yes, that was the name of this Age.
Nira immediately felt her bravery slip away. Vague memories of legends surfaced, told quietly, blasphemously. The voice continued.
“I am a Kindreth of Thought, Light. A guardian within these lands."
Yoel pushed back into the clearing, the boy in his arms. He was panting. He glanced from Nira, to the figure.
Kui made his way back to the pool with one long stride. Without words, seeming only to give an impression, he indicated that Yoel should dispense the child into the pool.
Yoel did so, eyes locked with the being. The wooden eye remained wooden. He placed the child gingerly within the pool, then hastily retreated, looking to Nira for explanation.
The child gave a ragged breath, which all the same held a small pulse of life.
And the Kindreth set to work.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Pilgrim- Chapter FourPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,664 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hey there! I'm here for a quick review this review day, and I apologize in advance for not having read previous parts. If I say something wrong because of that, just ignore it.
So this is interesting! I thought the Kindreth is a really clever idea, and I'm interested to find out who/what it is.
I really didn't understand why this was in italics, or why you framed it like this at all. It would have been much simpler and more, well, normal to say "She remembered how deep the wound was, how the blood seeped from it, etc."
Also, watch out for typos. "Dyeing" should be "dying," both in that section and in other places, and there are several instances where you have other small things, such as your and you're being mixed up.
A small thing - you wouldn't kick a horse in the thigh to urge it on, you'd kick it in the side/flanks/stomach. The thigh is part of the leg - you wouldn't be able to reach it from the position you sit in on a horse.
I'm interested to know what legends these are that make her afraid - is it just because they're blasphemous? Because if Kindreth's are guardians, you would think she wouldn't be afraid of them.
This didn't make sense to me - what do you mean by "foster human company"? In general, I feel like some of your dialogue is overly stiff, to the point it obscures the meaning.
And that's all I can think of right now. Good luck with this, and keep writing!
Hey there, thanks for the review!
To address your point regarding why the first paragraph was in italics, it's because the Chapter starts with the characters racing through the woods, the italics showing that Nira is recalling the boys condition when she examined him.
Secondly, Yoel isn't mounted when he kicks Chestnut into motion-- He's standing beside her. I should have made that more clear.
The final point you made regarding "My Kind would foster human company" was done to allude that the boy is a Kindreth. Since he arrived with Nira and Yoel... while passed out.... huh, I suppose that doesn't make a tonne of sense...
...Well then.
Thanks for the review!
>Rip it to shreds.
well, you asked for it. interpret any sentence that i haven’t included as good/ok.
>It was clear that at any other time, his face would possess a bright glow.
tell us how it was clear. was there some feature on this boy's face that tells us he would've looked healthier? otherwise, cut "it was clear that".
>Now, however, it was a deathly pale, his face gaunt, eyes sunken.
sentence has far too many commas for its length. simplify it or split it into two. also, "it was a deathly pale"?
>His chest quivered up, then sunk down at a frighteningly slow and timid rate.
"Timid: showing a lack of courage or confidence; easily frightened." you could take "timid" as a metaphor kinda thing, but there are better descriptives out there.
"quivered up" sounds kinda weird, but it's alriiiight.
>Chestnut, seeming to grasp the urgency of the situation, had lumbered into something of a canter, to put it generously.
here you tell us Chestnut is a horse without actually saying he's a horse. that's nice, but given his/her active role in the story, you should've mentioned it in the first sentence. i thought this boy was, like, rolled up in a sheet and carried across a guy's backpack, haha. i guess chestnut is a horse-y name, but given the amount of weirdass character names i've seen... edit: nevermind, i realised this is chapter 3 in an ongoing work. ignore
you're using present tense, right? why is "had" in there?
again, this sentence has too many parts to it. simplify/break it up. very simple example would be "Chestnut, grasping the urgency of the situation, lumbered into a canter."
>Pines loomed on all sides, seeming to bend over them imposingly.
should be "pines loomed in". you used "seeming" again here, with its last usage being the previous sentence.
>Nira had spent only a few moments hastily bandaging the boy until her face had paled almost the same shade as his own. She recalled with a shudder; the wound was deep, the flesh quite simply shredded away. Blood seeped from the wound, dyeing the snow in a wide radius. She looked up at Yoel hopelessly. He caught her glance, nodded, and within moments was bucking Chestnut into a trot.
i'm assuming this part is a memory. you want to get right into the action. i think just removing this entirely would keep the story flowing smoothly, but if you feel this information is necessary, add it in someplace later. this boy is seriously injured, damn it; we don't have time to be remembering memories!
also you used the semicolon wrong.
>Minutes passed. Another, another, another.
i feel that the "another, another, another" sentence could've been used to tell the reader exactly how much time had passed, instead of what you have right now, which makes me think that ten minutes at most have gone by. say something like "Five. Ten. Twenty." or whatever number you'd like. the short sentences also help to get the message across - serious shit's going down here.
>The corridor of trees continued, unchanging. Snow hampered them, causing even Chestnut to lose footing occasionally. Yoel continued slapping the beast in the thigh, between long draws of a flask.
sentence structure repetition here. only really good when used sparingly with short sentences for dramatic effect (in my experience). something happening, description. something happening, description. something happening, description. change it up
i'm assuming you've already described yoel earlier in your story. right now i have no idea what he looks like.
>They stopped again, as their unspoken contract demanded so that the boy could be examined.
this one's just awkward. remove the "as their unspoken contract demanded" part, and then play around with the sentence so its structure isn't "something happening, description" again. you can have sentences like that, yeah, but not too many. actually, i'm going to mention sentences that may need restructuring, and then you can choose which to change and which to keep the same.
>Nira placed a hand on his chest, and for one dreadful moment felt nothing.
this
> Then, the slightest flutter within the chest, a feeble pulse, a quivering breath.
normally i'd have no problem with this, but you used "quiver" to describe his chest rising in the first sentence. it should be pages before you use an uncommon descriptor like that again.
>She sighed with relief, before the worry wormed its way back.
structure
>She turned to Yoel.
AYYY THERE WE GO
>“How far to… Yurdi?” The unfamiliar name rolled off of her tongue awkwardly.
you're using two words to tell us that Yurdi is an unfamiliar place. up to you to decide which is superfluous, and change the sentence accordingly.
>At last, Yoel looked at the frail, limp body. For the first time, Nira realised.
connect these two, kill "nira realised" and "at last". "Yoel looked at the frail, limp body for the first time (since they'd started riding?).
>“I… do wonder how he ended up… we should enquire… or…”
make yoel more vague please i think i understood some of that
>Suddenly, a wind-chime sounded, a clear and crisp jingle. The party straightened very suddenly.
you used "suddenly" twice in two sentences. my suggestion is to fix that by changing the already-awkward second sentence to "The two sat up in their saddles."
>Yoel rushed towards the sound. “A pellar, maybe. Or a trader, or… they can help!”
i've never heard the term "pellar" before, and i read a lot. i know it now(thanks google) but an important thing to consider is your audience understanding what you're trying to convey. nobody wants to stop in the middle of their book and pull out their phone just to search up a definition. this is all my opinion, of course - but i'd sacrifice (fictional)historical accuracy for "easier to get" dialogue.
>The trees quickly enveloped them, pillars holding up a bristling green roof.
the "pillars" metaphor would be easier to understand if you described the tree trunks as pillars before, but since you haven't, i thought actual pillars were holding up the leaves there.
>Twigs snapped underfoot, snow slumped at the edge of trees.
that second part could use some tweaking.
>The trees quickly enveloped them, pillars holding up a bristling green roof. Twigs snapped underfoot, snow slumped at the edge of trees.
structure
>It bended, and as he passed, snapped backwards, only just missing Nira, who side-stepped lightly, then followed with a grumble.
commas. simplify/break up
>Verdant grass filled the clearing, in contrast to the podzol.
same problem with "podzol" here as the word "pellar". it's a very uncommon word. substitute it with something more well-known
>Verdant grass filled the clearing, in contrast to the podzol. Bright flowers dotted the grass, not a flake of snow visible.
structure.
>Yoel skidded to a halt, arm darting instinctively to where a scabbard would have rested if he carried a weapon.
"...to where his sword/dagger/whatever used to be."
>Nira would have noted this, but she herself had frozen upon seeing the creature.
maybe you're trying to tell me that nira is an observant person, but it's not the most interesting fact in the world. unless it's important to the story, kill that "nira would have noted this" part.
>Held as if by a trance, they watched, mouths partially hanging open, as the figure turned, unblinking eye swerving around to meet them. It spoke, but not with words. Not audible ones, at least. Instead, the words seemed to form inside their skulls, whispering softly.
COMMAS
>“Peculiar. I could have sworn… Mm, yes I still sense it. One of my kind. Near. Very near indeed.”
is this yoel's dad
>It seemed to regard them.
the critic seemed to be getting tired of the word "seemed." replace it with what this nigga's doing to seem to regard them, or just remove it.
>“I did not… anticipate that my kind would foster human company. My senses… they’ve dulled with time, it seems. A long time, it’s been, since I revealed myself to you’re kind.” The creatures glowing form straightened, gazing back to where the two had come from. “Mm. Pain. Insufferable pain. I do wonder… well, a wraith, I suppose. How young, how feeble… recently born anew…”
The eye swung to Yoel.
“You… mm, an intelligent one, it seems.”
ignoring that "you're" typo and the cliche-ass mysterious ancient wise being dialogue... holy balls. yoel's dad is on another level of vagueness. you'd think the all-knowing spirit thing would see that nobody has any idea what they're saying. maybe he's doing it on purpose. maybe he's doing it just to fuck with them. that'd be cool.
>Yoel stammered something indecipherable.
"dad wtf are you doing here"
>“Bring him to me. He is… dyeing, is he not? I… could aid him. A young one… a shame, it would be.”
typo with "dyeing"
“You are a peculiar one, as well. Mm. I… recognise you’re robes, yes, yes. A… pilgrim, are you not?”
your
>He glanced from Nira, to the figure.
unnecessary comma
>Without words, seeming only to give an impression, he indicated that Yoel should dispense the child into the pool.
i have seemophobia now
>The wooden eye remained wooden.
uh... o...kay....???
>The child gave a ragged breath, which all the same held a small pulse of life.
second part feels awkward. i'd remove it
Wow.
This is maybe the most condensed stream of great advice I've ever witnessed on this site. Thanks!
I still have to absorb all of that, but with regards to the Spirit's dialogue, it's meant to indicate slow, broken speech.
And sorry about making you contract seemophobia, as well as nettling you're body with commas. Bad habits that need breaking.
Anyways, thanks!