The Pilgrim- Chapter Four

by Catalyst

Published May 2, 2016

12+

In The Pilgrim

Important note(s)!

Alright, before reading on, I'd like to address a mistake I've made so far in the story. So far, I've put down "Gods" and "Spirits" as a placeholder name for the beings within the story that now go by the name of "Kindreth". So yeah, Kuri and the Boy are both Kindreth, apologies for the mistake. I've torn Gods and Spirits out of the previous Chapters, except for the line at the end of Interlude 1, where Farren refers to the boy as a God. This is very much on purpose.

Enjoy, and as always, Rip This To Shreds.  

A figure wandered along the snow-topped outcropping, outlined by churning veils of wind and ice. He dragged his left leg behind him, which stubbornly stiffened at every movement. Upon his head trailed a greasy mass of dark hair. Nearest to his scalp, silver hairs snaked among black. A faintly red cloth was tied around his forehead. His gaunt, chiselled face held silver stubble, and dark eyes held nothing further.

A soft, rhythmic humming sounded from his chest. Well, not quite his chest, but the amulet that hung there, clinging like an insect to a wall. It was of darkly glinting metal, and resembled a half-moon.

The humming continued, resounding within him like a second heartbeat. It was comforting, familiar, and yet dark, fearful. Like the thundering march of rolling storm-clouds on a day where you want nothing more than rain.

The man shielded his eyes from a particularly bitter gust of wind. He pulled his cloak around him irritably.

And continued to hunt the Kindreth.

*

In the soft moonlight, Nira remembered;

"With speed!" The voice called from the front of the carriage. Nira slipped on the shawl hurriedly, smoothing her white-cloak. Ill-fitting, she silently remarked. The carriage-wheel skidded to a halt, throwing up an audible wave of dirt. The horses whimpered, stamping their hooves.

The carriage door opened, and the world drew its breath sharply.

Suddenly, Kuri rose, shattering the memory.

"It is done".

The pool had, in the hours since the healing began, lost its red hue. Now, the child lay, soaking in the stars that rebounded from the rippling water.

Yoel sat at the edge of the clearing, head down, only raising it to take a draw from his flask. His eyes stubbornly refused to settle on the Kindreth.

Kindreth. A thousand legends told in hushed voices swirled in a consuming whirlpool. Yoel shied away from it with a sigh, placing his head between his hands.

Nira spared a worried glance for Yoel, then stood up and peered at the boy.

"He'll be all right, then?"

"Yes." The Kindreth's voice came out in a slow, patient sigh.

"Then I should like to thank-you, and---"

The Kindreth held up a hand. Veins pulsed in its pearly skin.

"Please… human sentiment holds no weight with me. I am not one too fraternise with your kind. I would not… normally reveal myself. I care not for the affairs of this Young Kin, and you may leave once he arises."

Having brought conversation to a grinding halt, Nira stood blinking for a moment.

It was Yoel who broke the silence, surprisingly.

"Then so long as we'll be waiting for him to come around, I suppose you have no qualms about answering some honest questions. He'll be… awake shortly, after all…" Yoel threw a dubious look at the very much stationary boy.

The wooden eye swerved around to regard Yoel. It is difficult to noticeably frown whilst wearing a mask, but the Kindreth managed. Then, it shrugged, and sat.

"Certainly".

Yoel sat, also, his legs crossed. He drew a breath, apparently having just used a nights-worth of courage.

"You keep saying that boy is a Kindreth."

Kuri nodded.

"Unmistakably so. A rather young one, but exceedingly strong. He has likely just reincarnated".

"But he's a boy!"

"I know not what preconceptions you humans have for Kindreth. We are a diverse race. A human is a common form for a young one to carry."

Yoel reached for his flask, then remembered the eye was watching him.

"I…" He looked to Nira for help. Nira was in the process of frowning quizzically at him.

Yoel sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Serves me right. This is all bizarre, bizarre! Every question raises another."

"What do you mean "reincarnated"?" Nira cut in.

"I forget how ignorant you humans are…" The eye climbed to meet the stars. "I will explain as best I can."

Yoel leaned forward, ready to make copious mental notes.

"This Kindreth was killed, quite recently. By what, I cannot tell. However, we Kindreth cannot die so easily. You see, each Kindreth serves a purpose. To guard a land, to prey on fear, worship, avarice. To kill, or grow. No two are the same, and yet we all possess two common traits." Kuri leaned back, relishing this attention, this respect. It stroked something in his long, clouded memory… of a time when he possessed a shrine, atop the Grey Pass….

"What would they be?" Nira asked, boldly.

For a fraction of an iota of a moment, the faintest shade of annoyance broke through the mask. It passed, and was quickly dismissed as impossible.

"The possession of Kindreth magic. Our latent energy. It comes in a thousand forms, but it can be distinctly detected by us all."

"And the second is reincarnation, I suppose?" asked Nira.

"You grasp quickly, human. Yes, reincarnation. And that, more than anything, is why this boy is in grave danger."

A shadow rolled over the glade, cutting the moon from the sky. Clouds whirled overhead, and a sheet of hail came sweeping down. Yoel gave an irritated mutter, pulling his overcoat around him. Nira tugged at her shawl.

Kuri rose.

"Sleep, now. The night grows harsh. I will do what I can".

Nira stiffened slightly.

"I do have one last question for the moment."

Kuri nodded obligingly.

"You haven't heard of any… Pyromancers? In the mountains, I mean. A group of them… I thought, seeing as you… guard these mountains…" She trailed off.

Kuri shook his head slightly. "Human affairs are no concern of mine."

Nira sighed, and lay down in the soft soil. Yoel followed suit, his back to Kuri, the pool, and the baffling unreality of the situation.

As Nira's eyes drooped, she saw Kuri rise, and lift his hand. For a moment, golden veins flared within it. She could swear the hail lessened, the clouds drifted to a halt. The stars blurred, as she plummeted through an abyss of white phantasms…

A jarring impact. Teeth slammed together, ribs groaning against the sudden force. She attempted to lift herself up. The butt end of a polearm quickly ended the attempt. The horses reared, the wagon driver was shouting. Nira clawed blindly for her stolen shawl, the stolen crest embellishing it, dirtying her stolen robes in the process.

"Your name."

The voice was cold and official.

"Nira Tama--- Goldweave!" Her words spilled over one another.

"What?" Another jab from the polearm punctuated the question.

"Goldweave! Nira Goldweave!"

Her eyes flew open. Golden helmets surrounded her, visors hooked like a vultures beak, a red cloth tied around the forehead…

"Your business!"

"P…pilgrim! Of the Ivory Church!" Even in this delirium, the well-revised cover-story spilled from her mouth with ease.

The masks were warped, now. Metal twisted, darkened. Wings tore through the air, beating at racing flames, and Nira Tamar was falling, twisting through an all-consuming, infinite darkness.

The world released its breath.

Light flooded back into the world. Morning light. The sun sent its red fingers clawing across the night-sky, ushering the darkness away. The contents of the dream trickled away, the fear remained. Breathless, Nira sat up. Her vision cleared within moments. There, the treeline, Yoel, slumped against the dull, silver bark. The pool, rippling slightly, and in its centre…

The boy rose, red-golden hair shining brightly. Two golden eyes found her.

Nira hesitated a moment, glancing at Yoel, who was deep within the confines of a troubled sleep.

"I am Nira Tamar. It's a pleasure to meet you."

And the golden crest seemed to dull slightly in the morning sunlight.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
BrumalHunter
Review
BrumalHunter wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2016

Salutations!

If I tried to review this as I would a novel I am actually following, I would be doing you a gross disservice. As such, I have decided to give out "spot-check" reviews today. That means that I'll focus on your writing itself, not the story elements like plot and characterisation. In this way, I hope to point out matters others may have missed, matters that, once improved upon, would result in your writing's quality increasing.


A figure wandered along the snow-topped outcropping, outlined by churning veils of wind and ice. He dragged his left leg behind him, which stubbornly stiffened with every movement.

Wonderful imagery - a good first sentence for a chapter; however, the sentence thereafter has a mistake. I'd have marked this off as a typo, but those are accidental errors or errors caused by absent-mindedness. In this case, there may be an underlying misconception as to the use of prepositions. In this case, the intended meaning of "with" is to express that the leg's stiffening is accompanied by the movement, so that each instance of the leg's stiffening occurs in conjunction with the leg being moved. Do you understand?

A soft, rhythmic humming sounded from his chest.

When used as a verb, "sound" refers to something suddenly making a sound and just as suddenly ceasing to make that sound - a bell can sound in the distance, or you can sound the alarms, but humming is constant. The verb needs to fit with the noun that is perfoming the verb, so I suggest "emanated" instead, since it implies a gradual emission from the source.

For a fraction of an iota of a moment, the faintest shade of annoyance broke through the mask.

♦ I realise you wanted to emphasise how fleeting the annoyance is, but you are overdoing it. Iota is a word I don't encounter very often because it is considered verbose, perhaps even pretentious. (It's like hubris - have you noticed how the word is only ever used when another character is being scolded for their pride, but in doing so, the character who does the scolding is guilty of it too, because they want to sound smart and more knowledgeable?) You can guess what I'd advise doing with it.
♦ Another reason why I say you are overdoing it is because of the superlative "faintest". If it truly is the faintest shade of annoyance, you'd be hard-pressed to notice it even if it was present for a couple of seconds.

"Please… human sentiment holds no weight with me. I am not one too fraternise with your kind. I would not… normally reveal myself. I care not for the affairs of this Young Kin, and you may leave once he arises."

The formality and verbosity of this character's speech only serves to amplify the irony behind the presence of the malapropism. It may be that you are fully aware of the difference between the preposition and the adverb and this is merely a lapse of concentration, but the irony nevertheless remains. (Yes, that was deliberately pompous.)

The contents of the dream trickled away, the fear remained.

From your ardent use of imagery, I can tell you are not one to let an opportunity to display your skill slip by, but that is the case here. Well, that and this is also erroneous. This sentence either needs to start with "Though", which would serve your purpose well, or the comma needs to be replaced with a semi-colon, since those exist almost completely to act as a placeholder for a missing conjunction.


I hope and trust this review was of value to you. Feel free to reply with any questions concerning one of my comments, and I shall gladly respond. May you have a pleasant Review Day!

~ Hunter

Thanks a bunch for the review!
I'll keep an eye out for grammar issues like that in the future, I absolutely agree with you on your point regarding the "iota" line, I'll watch out for that in the future.
This was really helpful, thanks a lot!

You're most welcome!

User avatar
RadiantShadow
Review
RadiantShadow wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2016

Hi I am here to leave you a review.

I want to start off by congratulating you on the great use of description, especially in the beginning; the opening paragraph really put me as the reader in a specific scene and I also loved the way you described the characters as it made it more realistic and so much more interesting to read.
This line is one of my favorites due to the fact that your use of punctuation gave the line a sense of rhythm and continuation which I simply adore ,'A soft, rhythmic humming sounded from his chest. Well, not quite his chest, but the amulet that hung there, clinging like an insect to a wall. It was of darkly glinting metal, and resembled a half-moon.'
I have read some of the previous chapters on this work and I can tell you that the story progressing really lovely and every chapter deals with a well thought out situation.
I can't find anything where you need to improve so that's awesome!
I really loved it, continue writing and feel free to tag me for future works.
~RS

Thanks for the review!



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— herbalhour