The Pilgrim- Chapter One

by Catalyst

Published March 8, 2016

12+

In The Pilgrim

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A wind swept over the frigid valley below. Jagged outcroppings littered the hilltops, not an inch spared from a crushing veil of snow that covered the sweeping mountainsides, the crooked spruces, the shivering hollows and the boreal groves. Amidst the Mountains of Izalea, where the ravaged watchers supped on death. Where men chased bounties across the frozen wastes, seeking shaded ruins and the scourges of the mountains. Where a pilgrim edged cautiously along the mountain path, eyeing the town below.

She was of middling height, and distinctly a pilgrim of the Ivory Church- Her white robes tied with a red sash and a golden crest. And of course, the near comically oversized shawl, which was ebony black and rested on her neck and chest, wrapped five times around. Only her eyes were exposed the bitter winds which rode along the shivering clifftop crests. They were bright green, made all the more prominent by her dark skin.

She scuttled down the Cliffside at a quick pace, showering the ground below with loose pebbles. She leapt down lightly, her shawl disturbed by the movement. A tall wall faced her. It was half the crumbling remains of a stone wall, and half make-shift, dark logs tied with strong rope. She began making her way along the wall. Some towns locked their gates to outsiders. Others welcomed the pilgrims as a good omen. All contained those who eyed the shawled strangers warily, hands resting on daggers and axes. No pilgrim could be sure. None had ever returned from the pilgrimage to give advice on such things.

However, darkness was closing in on the snow-capped mountains. Few towns could be more unforgiving than the wilds of Izalea.

At last she reached a gate, its logged doors thrown open. A single guard was leaning against the gate frame with a bored expression, a notched sword in his scabbard, which was tied to his thigh with a red cloth. He had a coarse face- His cheeks sunken slightly, his eyes obsidian pebbles. He had a light stubble on his chin, befitting of a man of his age- twenty, the pilgrim guessed. He wore a furred brown cloak over his linen shirt.

He started at her appearance, and his eyes immediately rested on her shawl.

“I… your one of those pilgrims, aren’t you?” He approached her, glancing at her unthreateningly.

She nodded.

He paused. “I suppose you’re seeking lodging then. Go in then, there’s a small Inn, by the town square.” For a moment, he eyed her, as if weighing something in his mind. He addressed her again, seeming hesitant;

“If you’d take my advice, pilgrim, I’d suggest moving on to the next town. You’d make it by midnight at the latest. This is no day for an outsider.”

She nodded politely, but did not stop her course inside the village. By midnight the scourge would be prowling. The sentry shrugged, and turned back to his post.

The town held a sparse few buildings, of dark wood and stone. The steeped roofs were of wood as well- Thatch would buckle under a night’s snow. To the left was what appeared to be a small smithy. It was unattended, a hammer resting on the anvil, the forge dying down, and its bellows sagged low.

It seemed there was a gathering in the centre of the village- a small green almost devoid of snow. The green was crowded with villagers, the disturbance gathered around a large wagon at its centre.

Atop the wagon stood a man- He was quite tall, wearing a broad brimmed straw hat and a dark green overcoat. His hands were raised defensively, his palms facing the crowd.

“Please, please, my good folk, if I may! I’m sure this matter can be resolved peacefully. No need to-“

“Thief!” “Swindler!” Several voices cried from the mob. “Bring im’ to justice! Take him to the stocks, on his knees!”

The crowd surged forward, causing the wagon to sway dangerously. The man- a merchant, it seemed, cried out, clutching his hat.

“I- I’m sure, if I could just speak with the mayor, we can have this straightened out! No need to do anything brash! If you would all-“
The wagon took a particularly violent jolt from the crowd, who were beginning to try and grab the man by his ankle.

“Bloody Pilferer! Thief!” The crowd began to pick up a chant, “Thief! Thief! Thief!” The crowd pushed further, those at the front grunting heavily in an effort to up-turn the wagon.

Suddenly, a single note filled the green, vibrating through the air. It had clearly come from a drum or gong of some sort. Several backs straightened, as townsfolk recognised the beat. They turned to its source. Those who had been heaving the wagon over snapped around like children caught in the act of stealing.

Walking towards the crowd was an old man, wearing a dark grey overcoat. His face wore a thousand wrinkled contours, his head balding with a light silver stubble on this chin. Next to him was a young woman, with short, brown hair and a small, gilded hide drum of some sort in her hand, with a beater in her other. She glided next to the old man, who limped forward on a notched wooden cane.

The merchant straightened to face the newcomer, his expression perfectly divided between fear and indignation. He quickly composed himself, dipping into a bow, and giving a practiced flourish. Someone in the crowd muttered; “A drunkard too, it seems”.

The old man held his hand up, silencing the aggravated buzzing of the crowd in an instant. He addressed the merchant clearly, betraying no thoughts.

“Yoel, was it?” He paused, allowing the merchant to confirm this. “Follow me. You will leave your wagon as it is, as will these good folk.” A few murmured “Of course” and “As you wish”.

Yoel jumped down from the wagon, following after his saviour. The crowd dispersed to let him pass, but not without a good deal of disdainful glances. Several spit on the ground.

As the old man and his companions walked away from the gathering, he turned to the Pilgrim, squinting at her for a moment.

“A pilgrim, are you? You come, as well.”

The pilgrim nodded timidly and followed, keeping a distance away from the supposed thief. She had spectated the event with curiosity.

They walked up a steep path, away from the other houses. Then, through a sizeable herb garden before reaching a humble stone cottage. The company entered.

*

An hour or so had passed. The pilgrim had been seated alongside Yoel, and both had been given extremely bitter tea in small, steaming cups that lacked a handle. A fireplace crackled heartily around the table, filling the cosy room. Herbs and pots had been holstered within colourful muslin sheets that hung from the roof. A few flowerpots rested on the windowsill. Above the fire, a broth was boiling. It was a rather odd house for a mayor.

The young woman- Anya, was her name, glided around the kitchen, making the two comfortable but answering nothing. Yoel sat in silence, rather disgruntled.

At last, the old man walked in. He nodded to the two, before seating himself.

“You’ve caused quite a stir, thief.”

Yoel opened his mouth, bristling with indignation, but was silenced by the old man, who continued;

“I care not whether you’re innocent, and I care not for explanations. My people think you a thief, so you’re a thief.” He said this as if it was utterly obvious and simple, as if speaking to a child.

He paused, letting Yoel take this in.

“However, I am willing to show you pity. If I let them, they will strip your wagon of its wares and throw you in the stocks until you confess. I suppose that would be disagreeable?”

Yoel confirmed this.

“Then I have a proposition for you, thief. I’ll smooth this little incident over, and let you out come the morrow, provided you do something for me.” The man drew a letter from his pocket. A red wax stamp sealed it, emblazoned with a weighing scale. He handed it to Yoel.

“You will take this to Embryss. You know it, I suppose?”

Yoel nodded; “The city, you arrive through the grey pass?”

“Yes, thief. The very one. I want it brought to the Church there. On your life, make sure this reaches Master Farlin.”

Yoel sighed.

“This is all quite inconvenient.” He paused. “But you think me a thief. How do you know I won’t throw this letter in the wind and trample it under my foot the moment I’m out of your sight?”

The old man seemed to smile slightly.

“This pilgrim will go with you, and make sure you don’t.”
The pilgrim, who had been sipping the tea, spluttered at this, and looked up.

“I’m sorry?”

The mayor chuckled. “I know you pilgrims, and I know your scriptures as well. You follow rules along your pilgrimage, don’t you? Or is that Church of yours even more lax than I thought nowadays?”

“We… we do, yes.”
The mayor nodded. He held up a finger.

“The first rule- A pilgrim may only possess her robes, her shawl and her crest.”

He held up another.

“Secondly- A pilgrim may never go more than a mile backwards on the path to her destination.”

The pilgrim sighed.

“And thirdly,” He said, holding up a third finger, “You pilgrims must help any in need who possess a crest of the Church”

As if on cue, Anya came in from the other room, holding a small, lacquered box. From it she withdrew what was unmistakably the golden crest of The Ivory Church. The symbol of the Owl and the weighing scale.

The man waited a moment for any protests. None came.

He continued; “So, pilgrim. You will stay near this fellow all the way to Embryss. And once my good friend Farlin has his letter, you may do what you wish, I care not. You’ll not let him stray the path for a moment, and you will reach the city in two days” He said this with an air of finality.

“This is absurd!” Yoel exclaimed, “Treating me like a common criminal! I refuse! I’ll not have someone dogging me about!”

“You have no say in the matter. She is already bound by her scriptures to do as I ask”.

Yoel fell silent.

“Now, make preparations to leave come the morrow. Anya, prepare their bags, and that animal of his.” He turned to Yoel. “Now then, I ought to be telling the villagers about how you threw yourself down on your knees, tears in your eyes, repenting your sins to Anya.” He left with that. Yoel could have sworn there was the slightest spark of amusement in his eye as he departed.

Yoel turned to the Pilgrim, with a resigned sigh.

“Is what he says true then?”

She nodded.

“I ought to introduce myself, then. I am Yoel Knotwise. As in, a Knot tied with a rope, rather than… anyway, I am a trader and scholar.”

The pilgrim nodded, glad of her shawl to mask her smile. She withdrew the covering from her mouth.

“I am Nira GoldWeave.”

He nodded. “GoldWeave, eh? I know the name. A Noble born then.”

He gazed out of the small window, as stars sprung up in the darkening sky. He frowned a moment. A warm light, could be seen, far off, underneath the spiked canopy that stretched until it met the mountainside. The source was moving. At impressive speed, towards the village. He turned to Anya.

“What is that, that light, off to the right?”

Anya glanced up, and her face paled.

Suddenly, something rose from the jagged carpet of the forest. A steaking bolt of flame. It rose in a perfect ark, with a furious sizzling sound. Then, it curved violently, bearing down, towards the village. Somewhere below, a seismic eruption of flame. A scream. Another bolt flew from the trees. Another. Another. Flames lit the sky, dulled the stars, soaring, plummeting, and tearing through wood, through homes, through flesh.

For a moment, in the cottage, the only sound was the spluttering fire and the roar below in the town. Anya spoke;

“It… it appears they have come sooner than he… than he thought.”

She pressed the letter Into Yoel’s chest, and stole a glance at the pilgrim.

“Flee.”

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
JuliasSneezer
Review
JuliasSneezer wrote a review Review · Aug 1, 2016

Good day, Cups here to serve a delicious interview!

Where men chased bounties across the frozen wastes, seeking shaded ruins and the scourges of the mountains. Where a pilgrim edged cautiously along the mountain path, eyeing the town below.


First of all, the way you described things made me want to keep reading, because I could see everything in my head perfectly. You used advanced vocabulary, so it didn't seem too easy, but not so advanced that we couldn't understand. Fantabulous job on that! The only thing that I can recommend is that between "mountains" and "where", you put a comma instead of a period.

You describe the guard at the gate of the town in a pretty detailed way, which is nice, but I think you should reserve that detail for the main characters instead of one that will only make it once or twice in the story. Then again, the guard may just be a main character and I don't know it yet. If this is the case, disregard everything I said. XD

Then we first see Yoel surrounded by angry villagers. You describe him as you would see from a distance, which is just fine, but then we get in and we only know him by the clothing that he wears. Perhaps if you just went a wee bit more into detail with that?

You portray the mayor as a slippery, slimy creature. Well done! But you show Anya to perhaps be softer, and a kinder soul, I notice. Kind of irrelevant, but I like that dynamic. Awesome job with this chapter!

Just keep swimming,
-Cups

User avatar
Ivywater
Review
Ivywater wrote a review Review · Mar 24, 2016

Hello, Ivywater here to review your chapter, along with the review trade deal.
Let me start with saying this was a very interesting and captivating way to start off the story. The amount of imagery you used really made it possible to picture everything that's happening. That being said, there are a few minor mistakes I found.

[/quote]
She scuttled down the Cliffside at a quick pace, showering the ground below with loose pebbles.

Unless Cliffside is a specific place it shouldn't be capitalized.


He started at her appearance, and his eyes immediately rested on her shawl.
I'm guessing you meant "stared" rather than "started"


Thatch would buckle under a night’s snow.
Thatch probably shouldn't be capitalized


It seemed there was a gathering in the centre of the village- a small green almost devoid of snow. The green was crowded with villagers, the disturbance gathered around a large wagon at its centre.
I'm guessing you meant "center" instead of "centre".


Bring im’ to justice!
[quote]
Im' should be em'

That's pretty much all I found, so good job!

Hey. thanks for the review, it was really helpful! I'll be returning the favour a little later tonight as I'm slightly busy.

Just a couple things to clear up-- I did mean "Started". It's a term generally used to describe someone snapping to attention.

Im' is meant to be Im', a slurred version of "Him". Em' would be a group of people.

Anyway, thanks for the review, hope you have a wonderful day!

Your welcome :)

PancakeandWaffle commented Comment · Mar 14, 2016

Hey, Waffle here to review your Chapter, along with the review trade deal :)
Yay! Historical fiction! I've been dying to get my hands on a good-quality Historical fiction for quite some time, I have definitely found a book that I want to continue reading. I'm just going to get on with the review now, lez go:

Right from the start, your description wasn't overwhelming, and your vocabulary is really educated. Although, throughout the rest of the story the quality fades a little, and then at the end it picks back up. You want to keep an eye out for this!
In the sentence, “I… your one of those pilgrims, aren’t you?”
I don't know if "I" was supposed to be "Oi," or "Ay," but if so, your going to want to fix that. Also, "your," needs to be capitalized because it was after a period. I may be wrong, because it is a group of 3 periods (and ellipse) but I am fairly certain that is the case.

“I suppose you’re seeking lodging then. Go in then, there’s a small Inn, by the town square."
You used the word "then" twice with only 2 article Adjectives between. I would change it to, "I suppose you're seeking lodging. Go in then, there's a small Inn, by the town square."

"by midnight at the latest. This is no day for an outsider.” I would put a comma between the two sentences rather than a period, it will make it less jumpy and easier to read.

“Please, please, my good folk," I would take the second "please" and add it after folk: "Please, my good folk, please, if I may!"

The rest of it flowed really nicely, and I don't see much of a problem with it. Very nicely done! I can't wait for Chapter two :D
Waffle~

User avatar
burninhell
Review
burninhell wrote a review Review · Mar 13, 2016

Hi!
Okay, so I love this so far.
You've raised so many questions and I'm curious as to where this is going, which is great. It's like I need to read on to find out more. I also like how you've given some information, but not so much that the reader already knows all the information within the first chapter.
So far I don't know much about your characters, but there are lots of questions raised around both Nira and Yoel, which I think works really well. :)

There are a couple of small grammatical errors that I picked up on

She pressed the letter Into Yoel’s chest

Here for example into shouldn't be capitalized.

Yoel turned to the Pilgrim, with a resigned sigh

She pressed the letter Into Yoel’s chest, and stole a glance at the pilgrim.

Here I'm just pointing out that you have capitalized the word 'Pilgrim' in places, but not others. This could maybe just be cleaned up a little bit.

But they're only super small things. And they do nothing to take away from how much I liked the start of this piece. I especially loved the end of the chapter, the attack makes it that bit more exciting. Long story short, it's great so far and I can't wait to read more. :)

Thanks for the review!
I'm glad you enjoyed it, I'll be sure to comb over the next Chapter for similar errors.
Overall, thanks for the help, and have a nice day! This review was a nice surprise.

PancakeandWaffle wrote a review Review · Mar 13, 2016

Thanks for the review
Just right off the bat, this is Fantasy, not historical fiction. Izalea ain't a place. Or the very least there isn't an Izalean mountain range crawling with bandits and pyromancers.
Otherwise, this was super helpful, thank-you!

Cool! It was fun teaming up with you!

User avatar
Songmorning
Review
Songmorning wrote a review Review · Mar 10, 2016

Hello! It's Songy here for a review. :) Just so you know, I usually write my reviews AS I'm reading the chapter, rather than afterwards, so that I can record my moment-by-moment reactions. At the end, however, I'll talk about the chapter as a whole a bit.

Already from the first paragraph, I had a sense of ponderous danger and beauty. Your description was amazing, and I immediately found myself asking why a pilgrim would put himself in such danger to be here. The description of the pilgrim was also very strong, and your word choice (particularly "middling") set the tone for an ancient setting--perhaps a medieval culture. I can't wait to find out what the Ivory Church is like and what beliefs it represents.

No pilgrim could be sure. None had ever returned from the pilgrimage to give advice on such things.

Really? So if she makes it, she'll be the first? O_O I don't know if it's actually just cold in my room, but I'm getting little chills.

Few towns could be more unforgiving than the wilds of Izalea.

This might be better written, "Few towns could be more unforgiving than those in the wilds of Izalea." The wilds themselves aren't the towns.

He had a coarse face- His cheeks sunken slightly, his eyes obsidian pebbles. He had a light stubble on his chin, befitting of a man of his age- twenty, the pilgrim guessed.

Just some punctuation advice. I'd recommend replacing the first dash with a colon and making the "H" of "His" lowercase. The second dash is good, but instead of a short dash, it should be an em-dash:
"He had a coarse face: his cheeks sunken slightly, his eyes obsidian pebbles. He had a light stubble on his chin, befitting a man of his age--twenty, the pilgrim guessed."
(Otherwise, the composition of this sentence is as stellar as your other descriptions.)

Short dashes are used when connecting two words into a single word ("twenty-one", "chocolate-covered"), while em-dashes are used within the sentence, sometimes where you could use a colon or parentheses, to create emphasis. ("I’m thirty-one years old—widowed by the war.", "Two blonde-haired young women in the carriage—Holly and Chloe—had seemed of a different opinion.") Often, you also use short dashes where a colon would be better.

In Microsoft Word, a double-dash -- will automatically be converted into an em-dash, but it can simply be used as an em-dash otherwise.

By midnight the scourge would be prowling.

I definitely want to know what "the scourge" is now. :) Now, I wonder if you meant to leave it lowercase? Since I don't know whether it's some creature or entity, or else something more general, I'm not sure if it should be capitalized. I guess I'll find out.

The crowd surged forward, causing the wagon to sway dangerously. The man- a merchant, it seemed, cried out, clutching his hat.

You've created a really poignant atmosphere here--one that feels very real. In the second sentence here, though, I want to rework the punctuation a bit. It's a perfect place to use em-dashes:
"The man--a merchant, it seemed--cried out, clutching his hat."

If you would all-“

This would also be an em-dash, used to signify that he broke off in the middle of a sentence.

It was a rather odd house for a mayor.

That's exactly what I thought as soon as you said "humble stone cottage". I wonder why he is living like this...though it seems to give him a kinder air. I also like Yoel already, and I'm currently refusing to believe he's a thief.

Funny thing about the house, as a read on and the mayor called Yoel a "thief" and also seemed to show certain disagreeable characteristics, I still trusted that he was a kind person, simply handling the situation in the wisest way possible.

Yoel confirmed this.

This leaves me without much of a mental image of how he confirmed it. You might say instead that he "nodded briefly" or "muttered an affirmation".

I also liked how you worked into the story the three rules of a pilgrim. I'm already getting a very strong picture of their culture.

“This is absurd!” Yoel exclaimed, “Treating me like a common criminal! I refuse! I’ll not have someone dogging me about!”

This man has his pride, but I think he should realize that this is better than what he would've experienced at the hands of the mob. (Commentary, not criticism: I'm noticing what his personality is like.)

The explosions of fire were not what I expected to happen at all. O_O" Please write another chapter! I can't wait to see what happens next!

Overall, this was a great chapter. Mostly, the only criticisms I could find were simply matters of punctuation. I was very absorbed in the story, and I like the characters. Your descriptions were the best part: weaving the atmosphere of your world beautifully. I'll be looking forward to reading more.

~Songy

Thanks for the review!
I'll definitely note em-dashes, its not something I'm very familiar with.
In the line
"Few towns could be more unforgiving than the wilds of Izalea."
I meant that the wilds themselves would be a worse alternative to the worst towns. I certainly see the confusion though.
All in all, very helpful, I'm glad you enjoyed!



If you know what the tip of a shoelace is called, Congratulations, you watched Phineas and Ferb!
— FireEyes