Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
no longer need comments on this one <3
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
HELLO
Hope you're doing well :') I'm here to review so let's dig right in! :D
Eeek it's Peter's POV ahhhh I'm super hyped to see his life and how his day usually folds out after school, or during school, etc etc.
Ooh glad I got this reminder because I read the last chapter like two weeks ago and I don't have the best memory. xD Yay though, his computer's okay!
He better have at least texted back a "thanks" because if not- 👀
ahhh they're Rich™️
Spoiler
askjhdh this dude xD
Ooh he has a smart girlfriend it seems!! She's in Honors and AP, the advanced courses. Hopefully she has the brains to do all of it and isn't like Peter, who, um, seems like a not-very-motivated-school-student so far >.> Also her text messages had me laughing xD
*takes deep breath* thankherforherwork
Same times for free periods?!!!?!? I love it.
EXCUSE ME WHAT
bro nope not happening my dude - also this boi didn't say thanks, he just went *nod* >.>
I feel like his relationship isn't really strong with Kendall because what type of partner doesn't automatically send back a text being all "*pleading face* THANKS LOVE"? He's tryna figure out a response. Like, y'know, maybe it's more of a one-sided relationship, if you know what I mean?? I don't really know how relationships work so I'm probably not the best critique-er for this, but I just thought I'd point out what I was thinking anyway >.>
OMG wait wait wait are these emails what I think they are?!!?!! THOSE EMAILS?? IT CLICKS?!?!? I mean the summary you gave us was exactly that was it not? """Weird""" emails :0
am I late to figuring it out xD
I mean, if it was just a random email then Luna wouldn't be able to see it, would she? Or do people get zero privacy when it comes to technicians checking their clients' computers? >.>
ahhhhh
gosh darn ;-;
The pressure is real, friends.
Ngl though, I'm genuinely wondering if people legit get in situations like this because this seems pretty messy @_@ It sounds 95% realistic right now, because of the pressure, and like, idk, I feel like I've heard of people getting weird emails from people, threatening to do this or that, and this definitely feels like that sorta situation.
Holey cheeeeese I don't think an actual friend would do that unless he's friends with perverts o.O
oh so now you're depending on her to solve yOUR issues hm I see I see hmm
Okay. So. He's a nice guy. Sort of. Not really. omg I don't even know at this point xD But he seems like he's genuinely concerned about Kendall's ~~honorable status~~ even if it is a one sided relationship sorta kinda.
please lol
rip you do you bro
just don't be late for classYES try all the options!!!
It's a teacher isn't it xD His day really couldn't get any worse o.O
~
Alright, I think I already said a good load of things above, so I don't think I need to mention anything else other than I am very much enjoying this story! :D I'll get to the next part of this chapter tomorrow morning, hopefully ^^" Lemme know if you have any questions!
Wishing you a singing, dancing good time <3 {And Happy Review Day!}
~Lib
Hey! Plume here, with a review!
I really enjoyed this piece! I thought it was an exemplary piece of fiction, especially in the "YA realistic fiction" genre. You've got some really diverse characters, great lines, and already some interesting plot points! Nice job!
I noticed you wanted big picture comments, so I'll try and keep my feedback as broad as possible.
For one, I do think your two voices are distinct enough. I already have complicated thoughts about both of the characters, so that's good. I much prefer Luna, by a long shot, just because she seems like a better person. Peter seems like kind of a jerk. He's wealthy, vapes, and overall he kinda seems a little arrogant and entitled. However, I love how you reveal the problem he's facing in this chapter, with the mysterious email. It made me both want to feel sorry for him but also kinda hate him at the same time? If that makes sense.
Expanding on the email plot point: I think it might be beneficial if you went into the first email in more depth? I wasn't sure if the first email was basically what the second email said, or if there was some other content. I think it's a bit odd to dive into the problem without giving us context (and that's not to say you completely breeze over it; the part about Kendall's pictures was perfect for that). You do, however, make references to the first, and since the readers don't know what it said word for word, I think you should either tell them, or give them a very explicit idea of what it contained. It's a bit vague now.
I know I said I'd keep my feedback more specific, but there are a couple sentences here and there that could use some revision.
This sentence was a bit confusing to me, especially considering it was the first one. I had to read it a few times before I was able to understand it. I'd probably rephrase it so that it looks like this:
Since you're asking a question here, I think you need a question mark at the end.
Other than that, nice job! I look forward to reading the next part!
In the first sentence: "Luna's text last night that all appeared fine with my computer and that I could pick it up today at the help desk was reassuring to say the least," I would add a comma before the word "to." So, it would read like this: "Luna's text last night that all appeared fine with my computer and that I could pick it up today at the help desk was reassuring, to say the least."
In the second sentence: "The weird email I opened last week, despite my better judgment, didn’t do anything bad to my computer like it threatened," I would change the word "like" to "as." Again, "The weird email I opened last week, despite my better judgment, didn’t do anything bad to my computer as it threatened."
In the sentence: "I just hated traffic," I would add the word "the" before traffic. "I just hated the traffic."
What's this? Me not waiting like a week to review?? I know, I'm as shocked as you are! But I've got an all day meeting starting in like 30mins and I don't want to start anything I can't finish so here we go
I like the contrast between him and Luna here (though I was surprised he even remembered her name).
Eugh, I kind of hate him. Is that allowed?
Yeah, ok, definitely hate him.
Ok, I'm getting slightly more insight into his character here. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost .
Well said, Luna! I'm not sure if it's reading about her from Peter's PoV or the fact that she's a good contrast to him but suddenly I'm liking her more.
Well yeah Peter, because things like that always go as planned...
You've use 'figure' twice in this sentence. Interesting that he has to think about what to text his girlfriend rather than just sending her something arbitrary.
Ok, I respect him a little more now but why are they on his laptop and not his phone? That seems very particular.
Can't he just download one from the internet and send it?
Ok Peter's instantly more interesting than Luna, though I like him less. More happens in this chapter and he's got a pretty unique voice which is very easy to read! It's hard to work him out though - he doesn't care about being late to class yet he's taking all these AP classes and it's stressing him out? The two things don't really match up at the moment.
Anyway, that's all for this chapter! Ready to see Peter interact with some more people in the next section - I can't help but wonder how he treats his friends.
Hope this helped <3
Icy