Young Writers Society

HELLO

Hope you're doing well :') I'm here to review so let's dig right in! :D

Eeek it's Peter's POV ahhhh I'm super hyped to see his life and how his day usually folds out after school, or during school, etc etc.

Luna's text last night that all appeared fine with my computer and that I could pick it up today at the help desk was reassuring to say the least.

Crisis averted.

My red Mustang sat at the far end of the garage next to my mom’s white BMW SUV, and my brother’s black Charger.

I tapped the steering wheel willing people to drive just a little bit faster. I didn’t care about being late to class. I just hated traffic.

Spoiler! :

I made it to AP Calculus with about thirty seconds to spare.

Luna probably wouldn’t be there, not that it mattered.

but hey, she probably needed the cash.

I never planned on talking to this girl ever again.

Before going to lunch I figured I could knock out a little homework in the library and figure out what to text Kendall back.

I needed to see if the weird email I got last week was still there and if I’d gotten anything else from the sender.

I probably should have told that Luna girl about the email, but she said she didn’t find anything abnormal, so it probably didn’t matter.

But there was one. 9:02 this morning.

I didn’t have to open the attachments to know what pictures were being referred to.

I now had under ten hours to figure out how to proceed.

If it were something sinister then surely that Luna girl would have found it while she was digging around on my computer.

I needed to relax.

I could be doing way worse things than vaping in the bathroom.

Maybe I could email X and try to bargain.

But no such luck for me.

Hey! Plume here, with a review!

I really enjoyed this piece! I thought it was an exemplary piece of fiction, especially in the "YA realistic fiction" genre. You've got some really diverse characters, great lines, and already some interesting plot points! Nice job!

I noticed you wanted big picture comments, so I'll try and keep my feedback as broad as possible.

For one, I do think your two voices are distinct enough. I already have complicated thoughts about both of the characters, so that's good. I much prefer Luna, by a long shot, just because she seems like a better person. Peter seems like kind of a jerk. He's wealthy, vapes, and overall he kinda seems a little arrogant and entitled. However, I love how you reveal the problem he's facing in this chapter, with the mysterious email. It made me both want to feel sorry for him but also kinda hate him at the same time? If that makes sense.

Expanding on the email plot point: I think it might be beneficial if you went into the first email in more depth? I wasn't sure if the first email was basically what the second email said, or if there was some other content. I think it's a bit odd to dive into the problem without giving us context (and that's not to say you completely breeze over it; the part about Kendall's pictures was perfect for that). You do, however, make references to the first, and since the readers don't know what it said word for word, I think you should either tell them, or give them a very explicit idea of what it contained. It's a bit vague now.

I know I said I'd keep my feedback more specific, but there are a couple sentences here and there that could use some revision.

Luna's text last night that all appeared fine with my computer and that I could pick it up today at the help desk was reassuring to say the least.

Luna's text last night saying that all appeared fine with my computer and that I could pick it up today at the help desk was reassuring, to say the least.

Why go easy senior year when all your parents cared about was getting that GPA as high as possible and getting into the best possible school so they could brag to all their friends.

In the first sentence: "Luna's text last night that all appeared fine with my computer and that I could pick it up today at the help desk was reassuring to say the least," I would add a comma before the word "to." So, it would read like this: "Luna's text last night that all appeared fine with my computer and that I could pick it up today at the help desk was reassuring, to say the least."

In the second sentence: "The weird email I opened last week, despite my better judgment, didn’t do anything bad to my computer like it threatened," I would change the word "like" to "as." Again, "The weird email I opened last week, despite my better judgment, didn’t do anything bad to my computer as it threatened."

In the sentence: "I just hated traffic," I would add the word "the" before traffic. "I just hated the traffic."

What's this? Me not waiting like a week to review?? I know, I'm as shocked as you are! But I've got an all day meeting starting in like 30mins and I don't want to start anything I can't finish so here we go

The weird email I opened last week, despite my better judgment, didn’t do anything bad to my computer like it threatened. Crisis averted.

I grabbed a granola bar off the counter on my way out the door. My red Mustang sat at the far end of the garage next to my mom’s white BMW SUV, and my brother’s black Charger.

I flung my backpack into the passenger’s seat and took a few puffs from my vape pen before putting the car in gear.

Why go easy senior year when all your parents cared about was getting that GPA as high as possible and getting into the best possible school so they could brag to all their friends.

She looked up from her screen and sat up straight. “I could ask you the same thing. I have a free period right now.”

“Anything else I can help you with today?” She asked.

“Nope.” I shoved my laptop back in my bag.

She couldn’t hide her distaste. I’m sure she put her laptop in a nice padded case and treated it with nothing but tender loving care and anything else was blasphemy.

“Let me know if you need any help with it in the future.”

I nodded.

I never planned on talking to this girl ever again.

Before going to lunch I figured I could knock out a little homework in the library and figure out what to text Kendall back.

She looked incredible, so they were saved on my computer, buried in a folder no one would think to look in. I respected her enough not to share them with anyone else. No one knew they existed, and yet somehow, this X did, and they wanted more.

Kendall would happily send me another picture if I asked her for one, even if I didn’t tell her about the weird email.