Young Writers Society

AND I'M BACK

Hope you're doing well! <3 I'll get right to it. :')

Sometimes I wondered what the teacher would do if I just refused to come out of the stall.

I don’t bother. He wants proof I was vaping. I don’t care.

“Well done, you’ve solved it. Maybe they’ll give you a raise.” I flashed the vape in front of his face.

[...]

“With pleasure,” I mumbled.

Mr. McNally and I went way back. He used to be friends with my dad, so he tried to be my friend and get me off with lesser punishments whenever I came to see him.

I considered playing dumb, he honestly might let me get off free because he gets along well with my dad and probably didn’t want to do the paperwork involved with actually punishing me.

I wouldn’t know. He’d actually have to come around the house for once and spend time with his kids.

I would have rather just been handed my punishment so I could go about my day.

Suspend me then.

My mom technically worked from home as a “lifestyle blogger” but spent most of her day getting injections and fillers and massages and facials and acupuncture and anything else that she thought would keep her from looking her real age.

No surprise there.

Assistant. Sure.

What did he know about my home and my family?

I turned the TV on just for some noise.

Hey! Plume here, with a review!

I enjoyed this continuation of the piece! I think you do an even better job of characterizing Peter in this section.

One thing I really enjoyed was you giving us more context/building Peter's character more. I think this tidbit about his father leaving wasn't touched much in the first part, and I really liked how you bring it up here. Even though Peter reminds me of a lot of guys that I dislike, I find myself feeling bad for him. He's going through a tough time, and I like how you convey that in this section. I also agree with the other review, especially the part about how juxtaposed Peter's character is with Luna's.

Your voice for Peter is perfect, too. You write dialogue extremely well. Even if you had given me no character descriptions, I think I would have been able to pinpoint just what types of characters you've created based on their dialogue.

I think you could benefit from more commas in general. Especially in places where you put someone's name like in "“Peter you know I can’t let you have this back.” You should phrase it like "“Peter, you know I can’t let you have this back." It reads more naturally. You do this in a couple places, so I think you should just try looking over it and putting it wherever it needs one.

Also, I think I mentioned this in my last review, but I think you should italicize Peter's thoughts. It doesn't make sense to make them formal narration, as they're slightly more casual than that, but they do add valuable insight into the character of Peter.

Other than that, lovely story! I can't wait to learn more. I can tell that it's building up into something really great!

Right I'm only a month late... that's not too bad... right? I finally have some more time in my life so I'm doing a bit of a review catch up! Sorry to have kept you waiting <3

I did a little reread of where we are so far because it's been a while, but I have to say the tl;dr at the beginning of each section is super helpful!

Mr. Saltzman is waiting for me, arms crossed, deep (probably permanent by now) wrinkles between his tightly furrowed eyebrows.

“What do you think I was doing in there?”

“Turn out your pockets.”

For someone in four AP classes and no grade lower than an A-, I was pretty well-acquainted with the principal’s office.

Mr. McNally and I went way back. He used to be friends with my dad, so he tried to be my friend and get me off with lesser punishments whenever I came to see him.

I wouldn’t know. He’d actually have to come around the house for once and spend time with his kids.

Smoking because your girlfriend’s naked pictures could get released tonight unless I could figure out a plan to stop it.

“Who’s home right now Peter?”

“No more of this okay?” He held up my vape. “I know things aren’t easy at home, but you’re better than this.”

My little brother, Thomas, was off at a friend’s house as per normal.

Funny enough, this kind of thing was right up my dad’s alley. He moved to Virginia three years ago to take over a computer security consulting firm. It was his job to find and eliminate cyber-security threats, so if this were something nefarious, he would know and he would know how to fix it.