Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
no longer need comments on this one <3
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
AND I'M BACK
Hope you're doing well! <3 I'll get right to it. :')
This guy's thought process is very interesting and like,, I like that. I never thought about that xD
I feel like at schools, a lot of the times, the students will start arguing and claiming they weren't vaping or whatnot, and then obviously end up getting detention/suspended, I don't really know how that works. But in Peter's case, it's obvious that he doesn't care, which probably emphasizes how stressed out he is about the ~current situation~. I think you portrayed that pretty well!
savage xD
At this point, with the principal's office thing, and Mr. Saltzman being Meany Pants, I'm getting Middle School by JP vibes xD
yay?? But I think Peter doesn't really want Mr. McNally to be friendly with him. :/ takeadvantageofitbro
There's paperwork involved in punishing students? I'm getting serious serious Middle School by JP vibes.
Gah :c I like that you sort of wove this bit into this chapter - I think it works pretty nicely and doesn't really disrupt the flow! We also get to peek a teeny bit more into Peter's family life, which is nice!
There's one thing that I absolutely must know. How is Peter such an amazing student, but at the same time, he's getting in trouble and is also completely casual about the fact that his punishment should be handed over to him so he can deal with it sooner rather than later and just ahhhh
BRO NO omg I'm dying I don't like that he's being so casual about this. It's not sitting well with me aghhh D: He's such a wonderful student, and he's just letting himself get suspended. He's going to make himself look bad when it's time to go to a new university and this is messing with my brain if you know what I mean~ xD I know his situation is probably super stressful but I don't think a good student who gets nothing lower than an -A wouldn't mess with their higher education??? So far it doesn't fit his character. I mean, maybe he doesn't know how to handle situations like this? But he's in grade 12, wouldn't he be mature enough to know not to mess with his future? Or maybe he's super confident about
agh maybe I'm being too sensitive about this xD
This,, is interesting @_@ It was mentioned really smoothly - I like that!
*looks over half-moon spectacles* hm
I'm, uh, assuming that Peter's parents didn't give him or his siblings (did you mention him having any?) much attention as they grew up. It's unfortunate :/ But I guess this is pretty much Peter's life unless his parents' negligence just recently started~
Ack, I want to know about his home and family >.>
Yay! We're getting the same amount of family and school information that we got in the first chapter, in Luna's POV! Now time to see what Peter's family is like.
complete mood
~
Alright! Done with this chapter too now. If you think my reviews are good enough for big picture comments, please do let me know so I can read the rest of your chapters because I love the plot of this story and I do hope I can continue with the rest of your novel! c:
Anywho, I feel like I already mentioned quite a lot of things above, so I don't think I need to mention anything else. :') But I'm super duper hyped that we could see both the family and school side of Luna and Peter. It's very interesting to see how different both of these characters are and to see how the plot will move forward. o-o
That's it for my review! Hope this helped somehow. :) Lemme know if you have any questions. ^^
Wishing you a singing, dancing good time <3
~Lib
Hey! Plume here, with a review!
I enjoyed this continuation of the piece! I think you do an even better job of characterizing Peter in this section.
One thing I really enjoyed was you giving us more context/building Peter's character more. I think this tidbit about his father leaving wasn't touched much in the first part, and I really liked how you bring it up here. Even though Peter reminds me of a lot of guys that I dislike, I find myself feeling bad for him. He's going through a tough time, and I like how you convey that in this section. I also agree with the other review, especially the part about how juxtaposed Peter's character is with Luna's.
Your voice for Peter is perfect, too. You write dialogue extremely well. Even if you had given me no character descriptions, I think I would have been able to pinpoint just what types of characters you've created based on their dialogue.
I think you could benefit from more commas in general. Especially in places where you put someone's name like in "“Peter you know I can’t let you have this back.” You should phrase it like "“Peter, you know I can’t let you have this back." It reads more naturally. You do this in a couple places, so I think you should just try looking over it and putting it wherever it needs one.
Also, I think I mentioned this in my last review, but I think you should italicize Peter's thoughts. It doesn't make sense to make them formal narration, as they're slightly more casual than that, but they do add valuable insight into the character of Peter.
Other than that, lovely story! I can't wait to learn more. I can tell that it's building up into something really great!
Right I'm only a month late... that's not too bad... right? I finally have some more time in my life so I'm doing a bit of a review catch up! Sorry to have kept you waiting <3
I did a little reread of where we are so far because it's been a while, but I have to say the tl;dr at the beginning of each section is super helpful!
You've suddenly jumped into present tense here, which I'm assuming is a mistake?
I love this building of Peter's character! It's cocky but humorous at the same time. I bet he teachers all hate him, haha.
This totally reminds me of when Snape catches Harry coming back from throwing snowballs at Malfoy in Hogsmeade. Is Peter going to have a vape that starts insulting anyone else who tries to smoke it? Or is that a job for bad fanfiction?
So much depth to his character, I can't help but be intrigued. How does he maintain his grades and still have his personality?
Ok, that makes sense I guess... But could we see if Peter is happy that he won't be speaking with the head? I think I'm missing some of his emotion in the first half of this.
So casual, I love it.
Peter goes from thinking about himself in the second person to the first person here. It makes it feel a bit choppy and un-natural.
Would it not be better to ask if anyone is home right now?
I like that he's such a father figure to Peter and I hope we see more of him!
How does he know?
I like this avenue as well, it would be cool if this ties back to his dad in some way. (I know you've already written it so I can't influence the story, but I like to speculate haha!)
Ok so Peter is very clearly different from Luna. I like how you've had both of them ending their days at home so you can see the juxtaposition of Luna with her tiny house but loving and supportive family and Peter with the exact opposite. They must both think the other one has it all so it'll be interesting to see them get to know each other a little better.
I think I'm ready for a bit more interaction between Peter and Kendall as well. At the moment, he seems like he cares for her, not wanting her pictures leaked but is also pretty dismissive of her so... I guess I want to see their dynamic up close.
Right, please get on with posting the next part of this! I finish work for Christmas on Friday so I promise not to take a month to read the next instalment <3
Icy