no longer need comments on this one <3
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hello Carli!
Hope you're doing well <3 Here to review this super interestingly titled novel of yours like I said I would but procrastinated until the last minute for Team Tortoise xD Anyway, let's dig right in!
I swear to god this was exactly what I was thinking when we got out Chromebooks from school, I'm not even kidding xD
*cough* that's what they all say *cough* But I'm thinking Luna will manage it xD She seems like a great student already, especially when it comes to tech! :]
Ooh fancy!! This girl is definitely interested in tech :0 I wonder what she'll do in the future?
awkwardddd
rich dude? >.>
g o l d xD
aw ;-;
omg suspicious much xD
Okay! This was a fun first chapter. A lot happened, but not much at the same time, which is hard to explain, but either way, a good amount happened.
The previous reviewer already mentioned this, but I definitley suggest adding more detail! It'll add more imagery, and it'll be more likely that your readers will get sucked into the story instead of just reading on, and not ~feeling it~ y'know?
Super hyped about this novel, and I think it's going to be a blast reading this! When I Was Anna was one of my favorites on YWS so I feel like this is going to be another one of my favorites ahhh
Anyway, that's the end of my review, hope this helped somehow ^^" Lemme know if you have any questions, I'd be happy to help! Please do tag me when future chapters come out!
Wishing you a singing, dancing good time <3
~Lib
Thank you Lib!! I'm actually about to submit this story to a mentoring contest and I'm putting a final polish on my first three chapters, so your review is great timing
Ahh yay!! xD
I loved the character building and dialogue of your piece! Luna is a pretty relatable character and everything is pretty realistic. One thing I was confused about was the layout of the computer room, is it a normal classroom or some sort of office/help desk. Just a little hard to make a mental picture, however, the characters are amazing! A few minor tips that I watch out for when I write, try not to emphasize too much how loud and obnoxious the fellow students are, this is very tempting to describe because of personal experience, but it detracts from the fact that Luna likely expects everyone to already understand the annoyance level of school. Also unless the person bumping into her is part of the plot, just make it shorter, less of an event, maybe like, “someone bumped into me on their way out the door” or something. If that is an important part of the plot though, that is a very good way to help readers remember it when it comes back up. Over all, I love the characters and I can’t wait to see what happens next!
Hey Madilyn!! Welcome to YWS and thank you for the review!!
I almost always have to go back and add more description when I edit and I'll definitely add in more detail about what the computer room looks like
Would you like me to tag you when I add more chapters?
Yes please!
Hi Carlito! I'm finally here for a review on this (and I'm frankly shocked it's still in the Green Room haha). I know this is a first draft so I probably won't be too nitpicky and will mostly give you reader reactions.
So first off, this is interesting, because I was super excited when I heard your pitch for this story because you know, I'm a computer girl myself, but even just from this chapter it's already clear to me that she's actually fairly far out of my area of expertise - I'm a Computer Science major while she's definitely more on the IT side. So while I'll keep an eye out through the story for anything that seems off, I'll also probably be learning some stuff.
I found the start fairly slow the first time I read through this last week, but then when I came back today it read okay now that I'm more settled. I felt like the bus ride home was especially slow, since it's such a normal activity and was relatively uneventful except for the exposition.
My impression of Peter was vague but overall positive. I don't really get why Jared called him a jerk. Other than the double-take-because-girl/not shaking hands thing, it mostly just seemed like he was socially awkward and uncomfortable, honestly like how I am every time I go to buy something or get a service done somewhere new, and like he was rushing through the interaction because he was unsure of himself. So if he's supposed to come off as a jerk, it might need to be a little stronger.
$25/hr seems pretty high, especially for a discounted student rate - I wonder how she gets a lot of business. Then again, I'd expect it's still cheaper than going to an actual repair shop. I also thought it was pretty funny that Peter's response when asked what's wrong is just that it's being weird, because that is such an unhelpful but also extremely typical response. I'm a bit surprised Luna didn't press further so she could at least get an idea of what Peter's expecting her to fix. Even though she can look at the computer herself later, she'll have a hard time narrowing down the problem without at least knowing what apps he was using when he noticed it was being weird. The more information she can get, the more time she'll save.
I like Savannah's spunk. She reminds me of Liz, actually, plus a bit of Cherry. I'll be curious to see what her role is going forward.
Well, I don't have too much else to say here. This is getting off to a nice start, though I'm not quite feeling the focused direction yet. Can't wait to see more of Peter! (And to find out what's wrong with his computer... it probably says a lot about me as a tech person that that's the most interesting problem in the novel to me right now lol.)
Thank you <3
100% agree it starts slow and there's a lot of exposition. When all else fails in a first draft - meaningless dialogue or endless exposition :p
Fabulous notes so far!!
Savannah as a combo of Liz & Cherry. Now that you say that.... she... might be??
And oh don't you worry, the thing that is wrong with Peter's computer will be QUITE important to the story
Hey Carli <3
I'm going to try ticking this off my to-do list today! I'm not sure when I'll get to part two, but it's definitely on my radar. NaNo slows down all of my other reviewing.
I'll try and focus on the big picture stuff as requested, but I'm going to mention a couple of other little things (that I'm sure you'd catch in an edit, but just in case)
A school issued laptop computer for school is a super long winded and repetitive description
Wow, don't they pay people to do that professionally?
This is some good character building for Luna.
He noticed issues but he can't specify what they are? That seems a little odd!
I think this should be 'filled out'.
Ok, so big picture comments. The start was a little slow, but I liked the little interesting nuggets of information you were starting to slip in, like the owning her own business. Luna's voice isn't super unique yet, although I could see the start of her personality forming in the last few paragraphs so hopefully it's bit clearer in your second section.
I got a bit confused having a Jared, Jai and Jaiden introduced all in one chapter. The names were very similar and especially Jai, who didn't have any key moments in the chapter, kind of got lost in the sea of names. If you're not tied to these names, perhaps you could change Jai?
I already like Savannah's character though! She was the one that really stood out for me, threatening to punch a bot in the teeth! More of her please <3 It was also really good for Luna's character to be around Savannah I think, as it helped with the contrast between the two of them.
Overall a good first draft, if a little slow at the beginning. I'm looking forward to reading Peter's PoV because he didn't really get much of a chance to shine in this part.
Hope this helped <3
Icy
They honestly might, I was trying to think of things to keep them occupied in this class :p (But also the class might also set the computers up to get experience).
100% agree that it starts slow and Luna's voice is flat.
And 100% agree on all the character names. I think I was just throwing people in the mix to see who sticks and ends up being important :p (and literally didn't even notice I had a Jai and a Jaiden lol)
I'm glad you like Savannah so far! The story will pick up, I promise
Thank you for reading!! <3