Pitch black

by Cage

It is pitch black today.

The moon was shining so brightly that day,

As mesmerising as any literature could ever describe,

That day when I was on my way back home,

Thinking about you.

But it is pitch black today.

The moon shone so elegantly,

As if it were trying to mimic my feelings,

Radiant and lively,

Asserting its passive dominance over the night sky,

But it is pitch black today,

As if now it is displaying the dying connection between us,

Exposing the underlying pain of not being able to see you,

The fear that it might be time for us to part ways;

But I have faith,

Faith over the fact that the moon is still shining above my head,

Just obscured behind the dark clouds of today,

Waiting with patience to present itself again,

And reclaim its glory in the sky

-Cage

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Points: 9676
Reviews: 166

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Sat Jun 03, 2023 3:14 pm

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DreamyAlice wrote a review...

Hey Cage, Alice here to give a review!

MY THOUGHTS

Really liked the poem. It is neatly written with a clear metaphor, reflecting real emotions you must have felt to write this poem. Parting is a sad part of any relationship, a common thing many people go through, and the theme overall will surely be relatable for most of the readers.

Faith over the fact that the moon is still shining above my head,
Just obscured behind the dark clouds of today,
Waiting with patience to present itself again,
And reclaim its glory in the sky

The last lines are my favorite, it shows the hopefulness in the writer's heart after a bad ending. It is a beautiful poem overall:)

SUGGESTIONS

A lot could have been shown more instead of saying but it's okay because I understand we write poems when we are overwhelmed and then we mostly leave it the way it is. But as you dive more into the world of poetry you will clearly understand how showing helps the readers connect more with your poems and even you could express your mixed and overwhelming thoughts in a more thoughtful way. Don't worry many of us had struggled between the showing vs telling thing as beginners, and I myself had seen the improvement as I tried expressing my lines in a more descriptive way. Try to make the readers experience expository details of the story through actions, sensory details, words, or the expression of characters’ emotions, as opposed to through the author’s own description of the event.

STRUCTURE AND FORM

The sentences are well structured and it flows nicely, which is quite hard to maintain so well done really. The punctuation works perfectly too.

OVERALL

A nice poem overall with impactful and heartfelt emotions. The remembrance of the past and comparing it to the present was done beautifully. Hope to read a work from you again soon.

Keep Writing👍
-ALICE

Cage says...

Hey dreamyAlice, thank you for your valuable review!

Reading your review, I was really able to understand what you were trying to say. Whenever I read this poem,I do feel that it could have been a lot better if i had used a bit more of imagery, but as you pointed out, we seldom make changes to poems which are written in the heat of the moment, and which have pure feelings of ours fixated in them. So this skill to use imagery in one stroke is something I need to learn with experience and practice. I have written a lot of poems after that, but lately I haven%u2019t had enough time to review works here, so I didn%u2019t have enough points to post any of my work. But whenever I do, I will look forward to you reviewing them.
Thank you!

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Reviews: 355

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Sun May 28, 2023 6:37 pm

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LadySpark wrote a review...

Hi Cage, let's get down to it.

I like the direction you're going with this poem, as comparative metaphors can be really compelling. I'm also a really big fan of weather metaphors, so you've already got me there. You've definitely got a really good foundation here, but I definitely think we can dig in and make some big money moves and make it even better here.

I do think you need to expand your imagery here by quite a signficant amount. When we break this down, the thematic words you're using are repeative and doesn't allow for much creativity on your part. Examples of this would be how you repeat the "pitch black" line instead of expanding on the metaphor. Try using all of the senses, not just sight to enhance what the narrator is experiencing. You want your poetry to be 3D, and that sometimes means including all the sensory elements in a more wholistic manner to really set the scene or tone of what you're trying to describe.

Another thing I would note is your passive tone that you have throughout the poem. It fails to evoke as strong of an emotional reaction from me as it could if you had a more active narration. I do like the comparative descriptions of the past/present, but you can still use active descriptions while describing something that happened in the past. For an example of this, look to the lines were you use superflous phrasings like "as if" or "as" "and" "but" "it is". Just like in prose, you want to avoid telling and instead show the reader what you're trying to say. This will help the reader get pulled into your story in a more active manner. Lines where this would make a remarkable difference would be "The moon shone so elegantly/trying to mimic my feeilings/radiant, lively" and "it is pitch black today/displaying the dying connection between us/exposing...."

Keep working, you've got a really great foundation here! Let your creativity shine and really sink into the entire sensory experience! You've got this!

Sizzle

Cage says...

Thank you for your valuable insight!
Now that you pointed it out, the line %u201Cit is pitch black today%u201D did feel a bit too repetitive, and I could really see that I could have used more perspectives to present my poem.
As for me, I write a poem in the heat of the moment, as and when the words come to me. I used to write a poem to capture the overwhelming emotions I felt, and when I re-read it, I seldom made any changes, except for a few grammatical ones, so that I could revisit the feeling whenever I read it.
But now that I have got an audience to please, and to review my poems, I am starting to understand that I should be able to recreate the same situation and emotions for anyone who reads it, and not keep it just for me.

As for the passive tone, I wanted to set a grey feeling in the poem, so I felt it would be best written in a passive tone.

Lastly, i would like to thank you again for your insights into my writing, and for this review.

Points: 9867
Reviews: 147

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Sun Apr 09, 2023 7:34 pm

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Kaia says...

I can't believe you don't have any reviews yet! This is an awesome poem about bad days and the need to wait patiently for a better day. And being separated from someone you like. Your mix of long sentences and short sentences adds impact. Excellent job!

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Pitch black

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