z

Young Writers Society



Medieval Story

by Buranko


The Toothless Boar Inn is open again
Otherwise known as the
Gold eater.

It reeks of magic in there
Just stay a few hours in the steam that
Always fills the room.
Listen to the laughs and the stories
Brave adventurers say,
And your money are gone.

However, this night is different.
Instead of strong laughters and
The usual drunk yells,
Silence rules over the building.

A faint voice is talking about
Fantastic adventures.
The source of that voice is a thin
Young man.
He is a bard

Few bards ever passed through
The lonely swamp town.
Most people think
That town belongs to witches
But most people here are nice, though
They have a habit of getting drunk.

The bard talks about a strong warrior.
That roamed the world looking for a
Stronger opponent.
You see our warrior.
Was really bored.
Countless armies caught him
And ordered he was executed.

Spears shattered, swords exploded,
Axes broke into millions of pieces when
They touched his body.
When they tried to drown him
And left him underwater for weeks,
The lakes dried out.
Our warrior drank all the water there.

And so, without anything challenging him.
The poor warrior was bored.
He wanted someone to
Defeat him.

As he walked deep in thought.
The road beneath him crumbled.
What happened? An old snake just woke up
From centuries of hibernation
His scales were
Shining so bright one could look at the sun
But couldn’t look at that organic armor.
His tongue shivered
Smelling the fresh air.
The shivers sent ripples in the air
So strong they passed through you.

Watching the warrior the snake licked his lips.
After hibernating for so long, it was hungry.
A weak human could
Serve as a good breakfast.
At least as a snack.

The beast opened its gigantic mouth,
Ready to swallow the warrior in one bite.
But suddenly the snake saw white.
Regaining its senses
The creature saw a human with his fists clenched.

Shocked, the snake tried again, same result.
The warrior seemed to have fun.
He jumped on the creature,
And bare-handed ripped a scale out of its body.
The snake roared, yes it did
Old snakes roar, young snakes are too
Spoiled so they hiss.
Then angrily hit the warrior with its head.

The human didn’t expect that and fell off
But quickly jumped back
Into the fight

A day passed, then passed another one.
The warrior finally defeated the snake
He grabbed some scales
And hung them on his belt…

The bard sighed, he finished the story
People all around him watched in awe.
Bards sure have the best stories.
But this silence quickly dissipated.
A loud yell and
the sound of beer travelling down
the neck highway replaced it.

The inn’s doors opened slowly
A strong man entered.
He was wearing only a pair of pants,
Tightly held by a belt.
Hanging from the belt
Some shiny scales dangled…


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User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 60
Reviews: 47

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Mon Sep 21, 2020 9:07 am
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rida says...



Hi! This poem is wonderful, I really enjoy fantasy, poems and stories, The flow was amazing, and I look forward to more of these type of poems




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278 Reviews


Points: 18564
Reviews: 278

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Fri Sep 11, 2020 5:05 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey there, Buranko! I'm Lee, and here to review your poem.

Welcome to YWS, of course!

I'll get right to it. Please take whatever you find useful and ignore the rest if you wish.
The poem/ballad is quite interesting, with a fairly good plot. It's nice to see a fantastic poem once in a while. I really enjoyed the imagery, and the twist at the end was definitely worth it.
There are a few things I'd like to point out, though.

It reeks of magic in there

Perhaps this could end with a semi colon.

Listen to the laughs and the stories
Brave adventurers say,
And your money are gone.

It should be laughing or laughter, not "laughs."
* Brave adventurers tell. Not "say."
*money is gone.

Also, I'd like to point out something. Here you mention "brave adventurers;" right after, you say the town is usually not visited by anyone. I think this is a mild self-contradiction you made right here.

A faint voice is talking about
Fantastic adventures.
The source of that voice is a thin
Young man.
He is a bard

Last line should end with a fullstop.
And why is it that two words have been ripped off from the rest of the sentence twice? I get the feeling you did this more for aesthetic values than for practical reasons. Being a really short stanza as it is, it didn't get better with the discrepancies in between lines.

The bard talks about a strong warrior.
That roamed the world looking for a
Stronger opponent.

Who, not "that."
And since you haven't mentioned any individual opponent yet, "stronger" isn't the right word to use here. It should just be "strong."

You see our warrior.
Was really bored.

I'm rewriting this with proper punctuation:

"You see, our warrior
was really bored."

You can see the changes I made. This is how it should be if you want it to be grammatically correct.

And ordered he was executed.

Replace "he was" with "him."

An old snake just woke up
From centuries of hibernation
His scales were
Shining so bright one could look at the sun
But couldn’t look at that organic armor.

Okay, after "hibernation," you can definitely use a fullstop.
And "organic" is a very odd way to describe armor of any kind. I understand it's the snake's scales, but even so...

The shivers sent ripples in the air
So strong they passed through you.

Okay. I'm not sure what the rule is here, but generally you can't address your audience as "one did this" and then go on to say "you did this" in the same stanza. Stick with either of them.

the neck highway replaced it.

What do you mean, "neck highway?" It's a really odd metaphor to use. I didn't like it.

The inn’s doors opened slowly
A strong man entered.
He was wearing only a pair of pants,
Tightly held by a belt.
Hanging from the belt
Some shiny scales dangled…

I'll admit, this bit made me grin. It's a very good ending, though it's a pity he didn't find anyone who could beat him...


So, my overall impression: good, but needs to be worked on. It hasn't reached its full potential just yet. You definitely have talent, though, so put it to good use!

I hope my review was helpful!

- Lee

Image




Buranko says...


Umm, sorry to mislead you but brave adventurers isn't the real meaning. You know that when drunk most people become suddenly really cocky and have the best stories with unbelievable adventures. I'm glad you still consider this kinda good. Here I was experimenting with this style, and your review gave me courage.



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83 Reviews


Points: 10511
Reviews: 83

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Fri Sep 11, 2020 2:14 pm
WaterSpout wrote a review...



Hello Buranko, here to review! I mostly stick to short stories or fiction in general, but this poem kind of has that same feeling. It looks interesting as well, so, why not?
And without further ado, I'll get started.
This is usually the part where I mention grammar, but since this is a poem, I can't really. But I'll mention some parts that sounded weird to me.

But most people here are nice, though
They have a habit of getting drunk.

This sounds like, Because they have a habit of getting drunk, most people here are nice. And I don't think you meant that. So I would suggest moving that 'though' to the next line, but then I don't really know if that's correct or if that's what you're going for. Basically, I'm asking if that is allowed in poetry. I don't...really...know.

It reeks of magic in there
Just stay a few hours in the steam that
Always fills the room.
Listen to the laughs and the stories
Brave adventurers say,
And your money are gone.

Did you purposely write 'are' instead of 'is?'

A faint voice is talking about
Fantastic
adventures.
The source of that voice is a thin
Young
man.
He is a bard

The suspense is real O-O
That part I bolded? I like how you put 'Fantastic' in a second line, making the reader wait before they can actually know what the faint voice is talking about. I also like how you separated these two words into different lines to act as a comma. Well, I don't know if that's what you intended, but it seems to be.

The bard talks about a strong warrior.
That roamed the world looking for a
Stronger opponent.
You see our warrior.
Was really bored.
Countless armies caught him
And ordered he was executed.

So this whole stanza has commas at the end, but some don't make sense. Was this intentional? It probably was, I'm just asking to make sure.

Spears shattered, swords exploded,
Axes broke into millions of pieces when
They touched his body.

mmm...
The imagery...

And bare-handed ripped a scale out of its body.
The snake roared, yes it did
Old snakes roar, young snakes are too
Spoiled so they hiss.

Haha, yes, that's why. Maybe that's why cats hiss...
I don't really have anything else to say, so I'll end with this.
Your poem was great, I really enjoyed it. Hope you keep writing more!
With caution,

WaterSpout




Buranko says...


Yea, when talking about money ARE gone I kinda messed up there. And yea, suspense was an effect I wanted to achieve, so I'm happy you felt it. Thanks for the review



WaterSpout says...


No problem :)




Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
— Dr. Seuss