Published September 3, 2020
In Some poems to make my debut in the wonderful land of poetry
With the morning sun creeping slowly,
A new day begins.
September is clumsy in his trying
Of earning the season throne
The summer months are fierce
They sweared not to give up their position that easily.
So, with crafty means, august tries overwhelming with his heat
The air imbued with
Pure winter essence.
Although young and inexperienced September fends off the attack
By sacrificing one wind straight out of his precious collection.
Ahh if it weren't for that damn wind!
August clenches his teeth. However
A wide grin rises slowly on his
Sunburnt face.
The effects of the fight are making their way quickly
POW! the sky suddenly cracked.
What follows next is not hard to guess
Little droplets of water are making their way
On the suffering soil
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138,375 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
I love this poem a lot! My favorite line is
It sounds great. This is one of my favorite poems. Keep writing!Hi there Buranko! Welcome to YWS - if you have any questions about the site (or this review), feel free to ask!
I'll start this out by saying I agree with everything @Ravenlord said, so I'll try my best not to be too repetitive
I really enjoy your use of line breaks (specifically enjambment ~ breaking lines where there wouldn't naturally be a pause) in this poem, as it emphasizes important words and phrases. For example in the lines "A wide grin rises slowly on his // Sunburnt face", the image of his burnt face is highlighted. It also contributes really well to an overall stop-and-start flow of the poem!
Having said that, I do have a couple of small suggestions about line breaks and formatting!
^In this quote, you've broken these two lines up like they're separate stanzas. That could've been by accident (the formatting in the publishing center can be a bit finicky) and if so, you can change that by pressing "shift + enter" instead of just "enter". Then the lines would look like this:
If you did that on purpose, I would recommend changing it anyway so that they're the same stanza/couplet; I think that would work better and show the connection in ideas.
^First, I'm a bit confused by this description ~ how can you clench your teeth and grin widely? Maybe you're meaning more of a grimace?
Second, while you totally can break these lines up like this, I don't personally feel that it's working in your favour; I feel like the punctuation and line breaks could be altered to be stronger here.
Something like:
This is stylistic and up to you as the poet, so if you disagree, that's totally cool - just something to consider!
Moving on to imagery and descriptions!
^I really love your descriptions throughout the poem, especially ones like these ~ works like "position", "crafty means", and "overwhelming" all work together quite well to set a tone throughout the piece.
A minor nitpick - "sweared" is a non-standard spelling of the past tense of "swear", and "swore" is generally more widely used. So it's not technically wrong to say "sweared", but it might sound more natural to most of your readers if you said "swore" instead.
Ooh yes "suffering soil" is such a neat description and I do love alliterations, can't go wrong with those! I agree with Ravenlord though, this doesn't feel like a strong finish to the poem (evening adding a period after "soil" could help with that a little, but more on punctuation in a sec) - I just feel like I'm on the edge of my seat, waiting for a dramatic finish, and it's not there.
Punctuation, did I say? A very minor detail but it plays a huge part in making a poem feel polished! My main suggestion about this would be adding periods where sentences are ended - for examples, lines like
I should note, punctuation is also stylistic and totally up to your creative discretion. I think that since you're capitalizing each line consistently, which can be considered a more "traditional" way of formatting poetry, it would make sense to use punctuation more traditionally as well.
Overall, I love your use of line breaks and imagery! Your personification of August and September is also very neat
I hope you find this review useful and again, if you've got any questions feel free to ask!
Keep writing!
whatcha
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Yea, I dunno why i used sweared instead of swore. Nice review, thank you for taking the time to write it
Hi, Buranko! Welcome to YWS and Happy RevMo! I'm RavenLord and I'm here to review this piece for ya.
I'm gonna start with the positives and then hop into some critiques. First of all, I love your characterization of September as "young and inexperienced." I don't see a lot of personified Septembers out there, so this was a really cool and original idea. The conflict between August and September is also very interesting to see. Your entire concept of summer fading into fall looks very well thought-out, to be sure.
One of my favorite lines was "The air imbued with/Pure winter essence." I could feel and smell that in my memory.
Okay, on to the less pleasant yet no less necessary part of the job.
First critique: Your tone feels a little unsure here. In some places the poem reads as a formal piece (like in the line mentioned above), while in others there's a distinctly childish feel to the words (like in "POW! the sky suddenly cracked."). I love both styles for different reasons, but it feels a little disjointed to find both in the same poem.
Second: While I do love that line about winter, it feels slightly out of place where you put it. If I'm being honest, it would work better at the very end of the poem, since the end feels slightly unfinished to begin with. The end feels as if it stops just after the climax without resolution, and if you added a couple more lines and then transferred the winter line to the end of the poem, you'd have an excellent finish!
Third: I want to see more of the fight! I love the back and forth between September and August in the beginning of the final stanza, but then it loses some of its gusto. I think this is where the ending begins to feel rushed and unresolved, so I'd love to see some more details for the battle between the seasons.
Some smaller notes now:
In the first stanza, the phrase "trying of earning" should be reconsidered. It doesn't really mean anything grammatically, so perhaps some rewording would be good.
There are some capitalization inconsistencies with the names.
I don't think I have any more critiques for you! This is a great first poem, and I can't wait to see what else you have for us! Once again, welcome to YWS! Happy writing
Regards,
RavenLord
Thank ya for the review %uD83D%uDE01