Raining
I am watching from my
Comfortable house.
I stare at the water
drops,
Crazily racing,
In this huge deathmatch called
“Storm”
Inevitably, heavy tears start banging
At the door of my eyelids.
I try my best to keep them down,
But I am too weak.
My whole body shivers,
Under the pressure of my feelings.
I take a deep breath and
Keep watching the race outside.
My gaze falls over a stray dog.
Miserable and dirty.
He found a pothole
Filled with water.
He carefully comes closer
Smells it; takes a sip.
Suddenly under my eyes a surprising
Rebirth takes place.
The miserable dog transforms,
Into a happy dog.
I keep watching
This is getting interesting.
The dog after gulping
The dirty water
Leaves with a satisfied look on his canine face.
I observe a surge of happiness,
Taking over my body.
The strong tears now
Have calmed down.
Ahhh, rain is the best weather there could ever be!
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139,345 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hey there, Buranko!
This is probably the third of your poems that I'm reviewing. I hope you don't mind!
I'll get right to it.
Like oceans said, it's interesting how you portray rain as causing happiness. You've associated it with something positive instead of gloomy, and I have to sag I like that.
I also like the diction (your choice of words). It's simple and get elegant, and captures the poem with what is necessary and no more. The imagery, as a result, is fairly good as well. I could almost visualise everything.
There just a couple of things I would like to point out, though.
Is "Raining" a title, or what? Right now it just seems to be a detached word that gives a kinda hasty introduction to the topic of your poem.
And why is the "c" in "comfortable" capitalized? Since its part of an enjambment, that's not needed. It's actually wrong.
Then there are the lurching changes in tone.
The opening stanza does not imply any negative feelings. In fact, it emits boredom and contentment. Then all of a sudden the narrator is upset (which would make more sense if it happened after they saw the dog; it's a way smoother transition) and starts to cry? That was a little weird.
And then again here is a sudden change in tone. After seeing the dog quench its thirst, the narrator has a change of heart and his "strong tears" (what did you mean by strong?) "calm down."
All well and good, it's just that I think you can definitely add more lines which explore the transition of emotions properly instead of dumping it on the reader.
Still, it's a nice poem, and I wish it was raining now.
Have a good day!
- Lee
This is the most optimistic review you have given me <33
About the sudden mood changes, yes they are intentional. Sometimes out of nowhere i feel rlly sad just by watching raindrops so...
I'm really sorry if I've hurt your feelings! If my reviews are too critical, I'll definitely tune them down.
Nah it's chill, you gave me valuable insight
Hey I'm here with a review.
Okay so this is amazing. The imagery is strong and I felt like I could actually see the dog, your word choices were nice. I also like the way this poem was able to tell a story and keep me emotionally invested.
As for critique, I'd say work on the ending. It was a little anti climactic after you had built such a strong story to end that way, or at least it felt that way for me. I think if you changed the ending and made it more emotional and like a BANG to end this poem then It'd be great. I can't tell you what that "bang" would be because only you can find the words for this, since it's your poem. So good luck if you decide to take this advice
Other than that, I really enjoyed it
Yea, I see what you mean, however I have no clue how to give that bang. Next poem %uD83D%uDE01
Hello Buranko!
This is a lengthy poem! You sound experienced! I enjoyed reading this. First, let me say that I was surprised that it was about rain/a storm because people never associate rain with happiness, and I'm sure that's why you chose this title. Although, it confused me a bit throughout it as I observed while reading that it seemed very depressing and the narrator seems very isolated. It is interesting how the narrator observes the dog and it's emotions, even though animals are much different than humans. I was a bit confused by the ending! Nevertheless, I enjoyed the ride. Great job and keep writing!
Hehe I like how your name is Oceans and you reviewed my poems that contain the water element. Thanks for the reviews %uD83D%uDE01
Hi Buranko,
I’m here with a review. This is a lovely poem as I love the rain as well. The story is nice and in my opinion, the pressure of feelings goes well with the rain. I didn’t found any grammar mistakes.
Now there are a couple of things you could improve.
Let’s start with your stanzas. Your first stanza has one line than two and after that four. In the end, some of your stanzas have five lines and some six. You should have the same number of lines for all the stanzas or a logical pattern. I think it will be better than a random number of lines.
Moving on, I want to add something about the dog. It’s a nice way to add an animal but you should add a better connection to the rain. I understood that your character became happy after he/she saw the dog being happy. It just doesn’t mean that the rain brought happiness. It’s the dog. I would also like it if you could add why the dog is happy. But this last one is not very important.
I would also like to add something about punctuation. You use it well threw out the poem but for the first line “Raining”, you should add a full stop. I believe it sounds better.
Overall, I think you have a great poem. There are a phew things to fix.
I hope my review helped you and didn’t offend you in any way,
MoonIris.
Thank you for the wonderful review
Yea, I'm still working on my punctuation and I agree it can be vague at times. Regarding my stanzas, the random number of lines is intentional. I chose to do this because I already tried keeping it a constant number but hated the result. I believe it works better this way.