Published September 8, 2020
In Some poems to make my debut in the wonderful land of poetry
Japan.
The land of the rising sun,
The land of the delicate
Silky cherry blossom flowers.
I’ve been flying for as long as I can remember.
Passed the red gates,
That sit at the boundary of
Heaven and Earth.
I am searching for the
Legendary ambrosia.
My mum always used to tell me
Stories of brave warriors.
Being a young larva
I always loved these brave stories,
The warriors still linger in my mind,
Their heroic deeds still inspire me.
For a brave warrior there is special food
That is ambrosia-the divine food.
The liquid rumoured
To have aided in the creation of our world.
My only clue to finding it is
That is the nectar of a certain flower.
As to what flower, I have no idea which one is it
So that is why I try every flower I find in my way.
…………………………………………………………………………
Update on the situation.
I grew old,my wings are worn out.
Slowly I land on a tulip
There I take a sip.
It is sweet, really sweet,
However I am sure this isn’t it
Ah, it was a nice journey,
My eyelids close slowly…
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139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Hello, there! I am here with a review for you.
To start- this was an amazing poem. The word choice was beautiful and made this entire thing seem like a fantastical epic from long ago. I really loved how the butterfly described its journey and how it longed to be like the heroes in the stories its mother told it.
As for my suggestions, I only have one and that would be for here:
Before the line of 'update on the situation' and 'I grew old' this entire poem was written like a story from old. So that means very fanciful language and delicate descriptions. A term like 'update on the situation' just feels so out of place that when you read it it breaks all of your attention from the poem to that one line. A line like that sounds very mechanical and modern, so it doesn't fit with the previous writing style. If you could possibly show that the butterfly had aged without using that term than that would definitely make your poem all the better!
And that's all I have for you! I hope this helps!
yea, you are quite right. I will think of something else to use there, tho lazy as I am I will forget to put it xD
Hey there, Buranko! I'm here to review another one of your poems.
I don't think I've heard the song that inspired this poem before, but I really love the story that it depicted. Thinking about the lives of animals can be incredibly fascinating - we never really know what they think as they go about their day-to-day activities. One of the things I really loved in this poem was the progression from young adulthood to old age. The reference to what the butterfly's mom used to say implies that the butterfly is young at the very start of the poem, since they're still relying on the wise words of adults.
By the end of the poem - nice inclusion of a physical line break, by the way! - it's clear that the butterfly has reached the end of its life. My one suggestion with that part of the poem is to show and not tell. It's not really a detractor from the poem, but you did a great job in the first part showing the butterfly's age through their uncertainty and reliance on authority. You mention in the second section that the butterfly's wings are worn. That already suggests that the butterfly is older, but you can also switch out the "I grew old" with something about how frail their body has become. Alternatively, you can talk about how much effort goes into flying from flower to flower now.
There's a lot of cool ways you can show the butterfly's age to the reader - and given how descriptive the rest of the poem is, I'm sure you'd do a great job with it!
Another aspect of the poem that I really like is how you tied it to human cultures. The mentions of Japan and the red gates brought Shinto to mind, while ambrosia was more ancient Greek. The combination of the two and the nature makes the poem feel almost ethereal.
I don't really have any other critiques, but I am curious - did you have a specific kind of butterfly in mind when you wrote this poem?
Whatever your answer is, this poem was definitely an enjoyable read! You did an amazing job as a storyteller.
I hope this ends up in the literary spotlight! It certainly deserves to.
I always try to do my best in showing not telling but sometimes it's so subtle, I don't realise my goal wasn't achieved fully
That's okay! You did a great job with it throughout the poem, but that was one area that I thought you could maybe revise.
I love your language style; the way you choose your words.
Really beautiful.
Thank you dear <3