I would like to know if i should keep going with this and make it a novel.
Prologue
I watched as my love headed for the Divide. She stepped onto the platform, her parents looked at her with tears swimming in their eyes. She had to take her father's place for eternity, and I would never be able to live for eternity with her.
She held her arms out, her purely whit wings stretched out and fanning behind her. A bond from Heaven appeared around her forearm, it was loose for Heaven didn't cause pain and discomfort. A black chain launched out menacingly from my side, Hell. It melded with her skin, she screamed in pain as it burn her pure skin with its sinful touch. The wing on thee side of Hell had grayed, temporarily giving the sign of sin on her holy wings. She strained against Hell's chain, my hands turned to fists as I watched her endure the pain.
I looked back to see her parents reaction, but they were infatuated with each other, so much that they didn't see the pain that their daughter had to endure because of them and their agreement with God and Satan.
It was then that I truly realized I was in love with her. I was a Fallen angel, I was not supposed to fall in love with a Guardian
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Fallen angels are angels that have decided to be evil and promote Satan's work. I loved doing it, but I wished that I didn't have to see the black wings that hung upon my back. The pure ones, Guardians, make us, Fallen, keep the wings to remind us of what we could've been. The different shades of black represent our sin and warn the Guardians of who we are and of our evil doings. The living can't see the Guardians or the Fallen, but the Fallen are the only ones that can show their bodily form. The wings of the Fallen are always hidden from the livings eyes, even if the can see a Fallen, and they can only feel and slightly hear Guardians.
My job, bring souls to Satan. You'd think that to be easy considering the fact that mortals can see the Fallen, but it's not so. The Guardians bring out the best in mortals, being their conscience in a way. They are to save the souls and help them return to Heaven.
Author' Note:
This is all I'm writing to see if I should keep going with this. Would like some major feedback. I do have more, but I will only release it if enough of you want it.
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Canary word: Present
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128,535 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Hi, Bugslake
You're doing really well and I want to see what comes next. Good luck!
I've always loved stories about fallen angels more than vampires/werewolves/zombies and you've taken an interesting stance on the subject. I'm really excited to see where you go with this and hopefully you delve into both their pasts as you go on. I loved your prologue, I thought it was well put-together without being too much and it caught my attention immediately. However there were a few grammatical errors here and there, so I went ahead and proofread it for you (below).
As for your second paragraph, it was a little bit info-dumpy. Maybe try to incorporate some of that information into dialogue or relevant situations. It will make the story flow better and help you build it more evenly instead of giving away all of your secrets at one time
Prologue
I watched as my love headed for the Divide. She stepped onto the platform, her parents [looking on with tears swimming in their eyes]. She had to take her father's place for eternity, and I would never be able to live for eternity [without (?)] her.
She held her arms out, her purely white wings stretched out and fanning behind her. [A bond from Heaven appeared around her forearm.] [It was loose, for Heaven didn't cause pain and discomfort.[ [A black chain launched out menacingly from my side--Hell.] It melded with her [wrist/arm/flesh] and she screamed in pain as it burned her pure skin with its sinful touch. The wing on the side of [Hell's chain] had grayed, temporarily giving the sign of sin on her holy wings. [She strained against Hell's chain and my hands turned to fists as I watched her endure the torture.]
I looked back to see her parents reaction but they were infatuated with each other, so much that they didn't see the pain that their daughter had to endure because of them and their agreement with God and Satan.
It was then that I truly realized [I was in love with her. Against every rule and law in Heaven and Hell, I loved her. I was a Fallen angel; I was not supposed to fall in love with a Guardian.]
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Fallen angels are angels that have decided to be evil and promote Satan's work. I loved doing it, but I wished that I didn't have to see the black wings that hung upon my back. The pure ones, Guardians, make us, Fallen, keep the wings to remind us of what we could've been. The different shades of black represent our sin and warn the Guardians of who we are and of our evil doings. The living can't see the Guardians or the Fallen, but the Fallen are the only ones that can show their bodily form. The wings of the Fallen are always hidden from the livings eyes, even if the can see a Fallen, and they can only feel and slightly hear Guardians.
[My job? bring souls to Satan.] You'd think that to be easy considering the fact that mortals can see the Fallen, but it's not so. The Guardians bring out the best in mortals, being their conscience in a way. They are to save the souls and help them return to Heaven.
I will definitely take your fixes into consideration.
Firstly: You should definitely keep going with this work!
I don't see why you would think otherwise. It's brilliant.
Your writing is beautiful: 'She had to take her father's place for eternity, and I would never be able to live for eternity with her.'
This line is so melancholy, so full of emotion.
There are a couple of typos in this piece, but I won't worry too much, just:
'whit' - white wings and 'burn her' - burned her.
Keep writing this work.
I would definitely like to see more.
Most of my mistakes are do to writing before bed. I'll try and fix them. I'm glad you liked it.
Hello, bugslake.
I really enjoy this because honestly, this is usually the kind of novel I read. This type of story is usually what today's society reads nowadays so I honestly think you should continue writing this.
As for the title, I thought of one but I don't know it would be the best title for this story, so it is honestly your choice to use this title or not.
- Sinful Relations - ??
I'm just throwing a title out there, but if you find a better title, I completely understand.
All and all, I enjoyed reading this. If you ever need any help, please message me and I'll do the best I can to help you.
Keep writing and do your best!
-K
Thanks. I'm glad you like it. I'll use your title because I've tried to make one up, but I haven't gotten one as good as yours.
Okays, awesome. I can't wait to read more c: