Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Let me know if I should keep going with this. I'm having a hard time with it and I don't think I can keep it going.
I packed my clothes in my suitcase. Mother had finally allowed me to come and visit for only my last semester of junior year. After an entire year of trying to forget the tragedy that had befallen Bellaview High my first semester of sophomore year. I had been involved, blamed even. The events of that semester haunted my dreams.
My grandma drove me to the airport, where I gave her a hug and told her that I would be back for the summer and my senior year.
I sat on the plane and fingered the key that hung on my necklace. I had taken it from the principal, who is still principal, I would find out who truly caused the entire upper class to become killers.
I was so innocent then and that's why authorities blamed me. I had been there the whole time, my hands had been in it so deep. I was to young to realize, to afraid of loneliness to care that I was being used as a cover up, a cop-out.
I could remember sophomore year to vividly. The first day of school, I had my hair all curled and had worn my cutest clothes. I had little to no friends and that's what I wanted to change. I had come up with a plan to start a dance team.
I had gone to class and found my nerdy best friend Ned. He was saving me a seat with an eager grin on his face. I sat next to him thinking that my popularity would change that year, but I had only deceived myself with a fantasy that could never be achieved.
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The plane jerked as we landed. I stepped out of the terminal and found my mother waiting for me with a smile. I could see how much she regretted allowing me to come back here.
The ride to my former home was quiet as I surveyed the little town. It never truly developed because of the swampiness and the constant moisture that fell or Hun there waiting to fall. The sun was rarely ever seen from behind the clouds, so there was a continued mood of blues and sullenness.
I put my suitcase in my old room, I didn't dare unpack. I feared that I would be forced to leave as quickly as I had sophomore year. I walked back downstairs, I would start Bellaview High tomorrow. "Seri, things have changed majorly in this town. There are some rules-"
"I'm glad that I am the reason for this change, even if I didn't cause it." I glanced at my mother, who had gone tight lipped.
"Curfew for teens is now ten o'clock, you can have friend but you must include every person who joins the conversation, and if you have an issue with anyone, you are to tell them and anyone of authority. No drugs, alcohol, or guns that are illegal and are being used to violate previous rules and have no need or purpose." I sighed and headed back up to my room. "Seri, these are the rules. Follow them."
"I never did, nor will ever do those things. They are punishing every teenager because of me. Has anyone ever thought that maybe I wasn't included in conversations?" I yelled. I had finally broken, after an entire year of trying to shove everything deep within my mind. I had tried for months to get rid of the anger I felt towards my mother and authority, but I couldn't let it go.
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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
I like what you set up but it is quite confusing for a short story. This said I think that if you were to add a couple more chapters and flashbacks it would thrive a lot. It almost sounds like the second book to a series. I think that it would do well if you would continue but if you aren't feeling excited about it than your readers are going to know that and it won't be as good as you would want it to be.
That said, you are a wonderful writer in that the flow and content is right where it should be. The character development seems like it would flow exceptionally well because as a reader I can already start to piece together the personalities of the two characters that you have put forth in this piece. As for content, you use enough detail to get it flowing but if you were to continue with this piece I would suggest adding a little more like what she is feeling while on this plane, more of her thoughts, and a little more background on what happened before (as it seems very prominent).
I wouldn't consider this a short story but I would consider it a prologue to a story. I think that there is a lot of potential to this piece and if you are willing to continue with it than you should. I enjoy it and think that you should continue with it but again if you aren't feeling it than scrap it and look for another place to start. If you are just having trouble with knowing where to go, you can message me and I might be able to help you. One thing that I was told by a long time writer is that when you go to write something it works to stop and ask yourself where you want to take this piece and fill all of the extra in as you go.
Good luck, I hope you continue with this work, it has a great start and I would enjoy reading the next part if you do decide to continue writing it.
Hey Bugs!
You should definately continue with this short story, is it really interesting and could become fantastic if you spent some more time on it.
What immediately struck me about this piece was how dark it was. However, these dark events are never shown or explained fully. They are kept in the background, creating an uneasy atmosphere and it affects both the world and the characters.
This piece is very short though, and as I said, you should expand on it and maybe resubmit it. If you do, I would suggest in writing in some more background and filling in a bit more.
We have no idea what sort of thing went down during this sophomore year. As I mentioned, keeping it a bit hidden and in the dark is good. But, what you did write about it doesn't sound quite right.
In the description you write that the biggest massacre in history had happened, and that your character was blamed for it. It doesn't sound plausible that you'd be free to (try) continue with everyday life, such as continuing school, especially after such a short timespan.
You also mention that the entire upper class had become killers. This also adds to the lack of plausibility of the current events. Though we lack a lot of information about what exactly is going on at the moment. As it appears a school massacre had happened, it seems to me that your character would still be under investigation or rather, under protected circumstances in a new location.
Another thing you need to expand on is your character. We have no idea who it is. It would, of course, be a lot easier to explain this if you wrote it from a third person perspective, but first person is not that hard either. From the fact the she's a senior, we can figure out her age, and I said 'her' now, because I can only imagine it's a girl. As you never say the gender or anything in the likes of it, the only indication I found was this line:
Alright, I'll write as I go through it:
First thing I noticed as I glanced over this piece; you start most of your senteces with 'I did that, I did this etc. Change up your sentence starters.
Suggestion
This line sounds incredibly awkward.
Edit
Edit
You make this grammatical error several times.
You said she had little to no friends though. If you have someone you could actually call a best friend, that is actually quite good.
Aside from being an odd way to bring in a description of this town, this line also feels a bit off. There's a typo in there as well:hung
Suggestion
I'd remove this last part.
And so far, that's what story you have. The plot you have written so far is really interesting and I'd like to read more of it. I want more writing though, what you have now is pretty bare bones.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
Thanks, as I had told everyone else, this wasn't even supposed to be posted. I'm editing the second chapter, it's taking a while. Again thanks for the review.
You should definitely keep going with this since you didn't really explain much. This is more like an intro to the story.
It has potential. The only thing I would do is go back and read it out loud. Some of your sentences either don't make sense or sound too repetitive.
" I had taken it from the principal, who is still principal, I would find out who truly caused the entire upper class to become killers."
First off with this sentences it sounds like it should be two sentences, And principal is a little repetitive. Try: "I had taken it from the principal at the time, he still works there that I'm aware of. I had to find out who truly caused the entire upper class to become killers." Now you mention the upper class becoming killers. You really only hinting at what happened, like in a prologue. So if you want this to be a completed story you either need to make this the prologue and add chapters, or add more to this and make it a short story.
The rest was really just typos you can find by reading it out loud.
It really sparked my interest so I suggest you keep going!
-Cori
Thanks and as I've said before, this was lying around with no editing done. I just through it up here to see if it was a good story.
I think you should keep going with this! XDDDD
You haven't written that much here, I was expecting a novel, however, you have made a solid start.
I would recommend that the balance between your dialogue and action needs to be more of that: balanced. There needs to be some variety in there definitely.
Overall, I liked this. Very good. Very good indeed.
Definitely keep going.
Thanks, I work on the dialogue. This part had been written for a while, I just decided to post it. I will try to get the second part written and possibly fix it. I really appreciate the feedback.