Bits of bits.

So you seem like a very good writer, with A LOT of potential, but you defiantly need practice.
Which isn't a bad thing. There's no such thing as a 'perfect writer'. With writing, there will always be practice.

Boolovesyou wrote:One request, if you don't feel like reviewing all this please review the poems first.

No Name

Everyday I push thoughts of you away
Everyday I hurt for those things I never got to say
Let me break for your sake
Push away the lies and demoralize
You, back to judge and fudge the lines
You, the dagger between my ribs ,You, the little silly fibs
Karma came to hit you back, Forgotten.

So some of the lines here seem pretty forced. This seems like it could be a very emotional poem. These rhymes are distracting me from the poem as a whole! They need to make more sense. Although rhyming can make a poem sound prettier, it takes a lot of effort to make them work. You need a steady rhythm and they can't be too distracting. Readers should focus on the imagery and emotions as well to really get a connection. I feel like this just isn't detailed enough either. Maybe you like it that way? If so, that's fine. The topic just seems a little blurry to me. I do really like the sharpness to it though.

What this love has become.

Baby, I see
The best you can be,
Is it without me?
I am too low,
Did I ruin the flow? The flow to what? I'm sensing another forced rhyme here.
My lies are all below. below what?
Do you still believe? In what!?
I wear my heart on my sleeve,
Please do not leave.
Every day I live for you,
Your words are few.
Does your sadness come in slew?

Very confusing. I like how you worded some of this, but I can't really connect/relate to it because I have no idea what the topic is. It seems like it's about a loved one leaving, which is a popular topic. If you really want to captivate us, you need to be creative. I didn't really feel emotions while reading this, other than confusion. I can't really tell if this is a poem you wanted us to... untie. Is it mysterious or just a lump of words? Give us more details!

But I do like it. Sorry if it sounds like I'm completely bashing your poem. I don't want you to think you should completely morph it into something different. It is very good as it is.


Tidbits of little poems in my head.

I have walked a million miles,
Heard a million things.
The screams of agony
Creep upon me at night,
Tear my deprived soul into half's. Sounds a little better?

Side by Side,
Our hearts lay broken.
To one another we confide.
Our thoughts are spoken.

You are my dawn,
and my dusk.
Tell me, what sadness burdens you?
A burden so heavy
It may crush my love.

helloo
I'm going to review: what this love has become
Because I like it the most I don't have a lot of criticism..Just one little thing:

Baby, I see
The best you can be,
Is it without me?
I am to low, I think it would sound better if you changed it into: Am I to low...but maybe that's just me
Did I ruin the flow?

Hey Boo, T here. I have to say I like the rhyming and it takes a skilled person to make a rhyming poem because it's hard to find the words. I, myself, have trouble rhyming. But a couple nit picks I have is that some of the lines didn't make sense to me because you made a bit too much of an effort to rhyme. Like this line in your poem "No Name":

You, back to judge and fudge the lines

Does your sadness come in slew?