This is basically notes not so much poem, but I was trying to find inspiration ?
My body has no weight.
Through the silky water
everything is slightly larger.
The shadow from the flame
dances all around me.
Peace sets in.
Swish. The noise the water
makes when I move is to
loud, so I stay dangerously still.
Drip. A tear falls from the faucet.
The sound of my family fighting
cuts my peace in two.
Swish.
A delicious smell,
like cinnamon cake fresh from the oven,
wafts towards me from the candle.
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I like the imagery you are using! This has greaaaaaat stuff in it! I like it has too many separate ideas to be one piece. But if you desire to keep them together, you can string them into a nice poem. Like maybe something around the idea of a prefect world, or home sweet home. But I love the way you describe the water and the flame! You should most definitely use those ideas again! They could make something truly incredible!Keep writing! You are talented!
I liked it, very short and peaceful, at first. I loved how you said, "a tear drops from the faucet" it showed that the poem wasn't just a happy peaceful one. Then you went to mention the family fighting, but instead of turning the poem into a depressing one you described the smell and made the narrator ignore the fighting. Basically, I really liked this.
Keep it up.
I liked the idea of what you’re trying to convey. Honestly it was good but the way it flowed was very awkward and disjointed. It looked (and sounded) like you'd split one line into two in many places and some basic grammar -to for what should have been too- mistakes were obvious. Still a nice little idea.
Xoxo - DraconiaxLesoto
too loud, I guess..
nice short poem.
I defimetly like this. In the begining I can imagine the serenity you describe.
I like the emotion you're trying to create, the first part of the poem shows peace very well, and some of the metaphors etc that you use are very effective, I like 'The shadow from the flame dances all around me.', it created contrast between peace and action. the use of onomatopoeia is good, I see where you're coming from using 'swish' 'drip' 'swish', but you might want to play around with that and get a different word for 'swish', however, using swish in both instances gives me the image that when your family are arguing you want to stay 'dangerously still' again, like, stay out of it?
sorry if this wasn't very helpful, it was more like an analysis than a review.
Anyway, the poem is good, I like it,
you should keep writing