Rune stared through the dense bushes at the four guards in front of the prison. Each was heavily armored and bore mighty swords. His eyes flicked to the roof of the prison, where more guards lined each side, crossbows at the ready. The night air was cool, even when the strong winds weren't blowing. He looked back to the four guards. He had spent months planning this. In his head this went very smoothly, but now, watching in the shadows, just about to attack... he felt as though he should go over it one more time.
Rune drew his bow, silently loading it. He touched the sharp point of the arrow with his fingertips and it burst into blue flames. He quickly shot it straight up in the air and retreated further into the bushes. Immediately he heard the sharp shuffle of armor and alarm. For a few seconds he thought the others hadn't seen it. But then he heard a scream from the other side of the prison; the back way was being attacked.
The four guards at the front exchanged hissed whispers before three of them left to see what was going on, leaving the fourth all alone.
Rune looked back up at the roof. All the guards up there had now ran to the back as well. Rune smiled. His plan was going perfectly. He put another arrow into his bow and killed the remaining guard. Then he dashed out from his hiding place to the door. Where he found it was – of course – locked. He checked the guard he had just killed for a key, but he had nothing.
Now using his last resort, he placed a hand on the iron door and instantly his whole arm began to glow. A soft buzzing sound was followed by a large clank of metal, and then the door flung wide open. He took out his sword just in time for two guards to come rushing at him. He ducked and weaved easily past each of their attacks before driving his sword straight through their hearts.
Hating to have blood on his weapon, Rune quickly wiped it off on one of his now dead opponent’s pants. Then he crept quietly down the long, unguarded hallway that stretched out before him.
Back in the city, he had somehow found a map of the prison and forced himself to memorize it. He knew every turn, every cell. He had even payed someone to tell him which cell he needed to get to.
He paused at a bend and peeked around the corner. A guard was paroling the cells, which started down that pathway, and was heading in his direction. He couldn't see any other guards so he took out his bow again and hit the guard right between the eyes.
Rune stalked forward, trying to resist the urge to stare at the filthy bodies inside each cell. But it overpowered him and he found himself gazing into each one as he past them. Nearly naked, every prisoner had matted, greasy hair and at least in inch of dirt and filth on their skin. He could see every bone in their body. A few got up and begged him to let them out, but he paid them no heed, knowing that, even if he had wanted to, he couldn't save them, not if he wanted to save the person he had come for in the first place. There just wasn't enough time.
So he walked on, slaying each guard he came across very easily. The further he went, the louder the cries became from the other side of the prison, where dozens of his companions were fighting to buy him time.
Then at last he found himself walking down the path of which would lead him to his destination. A nervousness churned in the pit of his stomach. It had been seven years. Seven years apart. Without any contact.
He was now five cells away.
Would there be forgiveness... or anger?
Three away.
His feet were beginning to feel very heavy, like each foot was filled with led.
Two...
His heart was now pounding extremely fast and he felt a drizzle of sweat drip down his temple.
One...
Rune looked slowly into the cell, and for some reason felt calmer. Maybe it was because that's how he always felt when he faced his fears. Or maybe it was because the occupant inside the cell was so calm that it rubbed off on him. No matter the reason, he now found himself face to face with a flawless-faced girl. Her shining black hair was braided back, away from her fearfully striking pale eyes. Just a mere age of nineteen, she sat on the stone floor, looking utterly out of place and intimidating. A dark smile crept upon her thin lips.
“Hello, brother.”
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Sorry, I arrived later than I had said I would. My life got a little in the way this time, but I'm here now. Before I actually begin, I would like to mention that since this is a fairly short chapter, this will most likely be a fairly short review. But we will once again, see how it goes.
One thing that I just absolutely adored about this piece, was that there was very little grammatical mistakes. I mean, I was searching through trying to find some and I can't find any! There are a few mistakes every now and then, of course, but nothing major. And I would just like to say... THANK YOU! It's really quite refreshing seeing the commas place so well. Very lovely.
The absolute bestest thing that I loved about this, was how you ended it. I mean, now I'm just curious as ever, trying to figure out what's going on. Sister is locked in dungeon, and I can see from your reply to somebody else's review that they all have powers of sorts, I believe. This should make for a fairly interesting story, if I'm guessing right.
One thing though, that I didn't like was the way you ended it. I mean, sure it made a dramatic ending, but it was horribly cliche'! I mean, hello brother? It's like every book and movie has that line, and heaven knows what else does. Bleh, just that one line made me cringe. This may look like it's just my opinion, but I would seriously consider getting that line out of there. It just screamed cliche at me.
Typo
Just a small typo that I found.
Well I'm not sure I like this. This could be just me, but still... It seems like he did it waay too easily. Like it was a way of you getting to us that the guards were all killed by him, but gave us no real juice or description for it. Get what I mean? I can rephrase it if you want, if I didn't make it clear enough or something.
Hmm, I'm curious to know what color these eyes are still, though! I would assume that you mean like really pale blue, but again, I'm not sure. Again, just something I thought was a little off. xD
Sorry, if this is a short review, but I'm having difficulty with time and there is also very little left to comment on here.
Thanks for the review!
I totally see how you think a few of my sentences are weird, and I'll definitely correct this again some time.
Maven's eyes are actually grey, but I can now see that it is a little unclear.
And about the ending. I was a little lost for words when trying to create a super mysterious and captivating cliffhanger. So I just put the only thing I could think of at the time. I had just gotten over MAJOR writers block and really wanted to write something. I'll try and come up with something different that still has the same feel to it.
Just so you know, that is not a short review at all.
Thanks again, ThereseCricket!
Hey BookWolf!
This is so suspenseful, I don't even know where to start! 
Where does Rune's gift come from? Why is Rune's sister in prison? Why is Rune breaking her out??? 
I love suspense! I see that this has been corrected, and I can see from other reviews that you listened to other writer's suggestions! 
Great job on this, I am definitely going on to Part two!! 
Keep up the great work!
) (seven!)
So after reading your short story on the wolf, I decided to come and take a look at your other pieces, thinking that I would find something I really, REALLY would like. I was not disappointed!
-SnazzyPencil
(looking over what I just wrote, I see I have inserted 6 smiley faces! Awesome!
That was pretty good! The ending was really well done. Here's a little critique for you:
1: "He put another arrow into his bow and killed the remaining guard. Then dashed out from his hiding place to the door." "Then" should either be merged with the first sentence using a comma or you should add "he" in between "Then" and "dashed".
2: "......for two guards to coming rushing at him." Simple grammatical error once again. Easy fix. Just remove "ing" from "coming".
3: "He paused at a bend and peaked over the corner." Maybe not over but around. Also maybe peeked, not peaked.
4: "But it over powered him....." How about over-powered or overpowered??
Other than those few errors, you did awesome writing!!!! Congratulations on your success! I look forward to reading more of your Powerful Gifts book!!!
Thanks for the review! I'll make sure to fix those mistakes you pointed out.
Hi,
I think you've planned this out very beautifully in your head-it's very vivid.
One thing i would say, and that isn't necessarily a bad thing, is that you tend to use very specific/flowery verbs and adjectives, which you often don't need. it's hard to feel your way through to the perfect balance.
examples of things you could change (or not):
Rune stalked forward... -Stalking is a hunting-following-preying on kind of thing. this guy Rune just seems very nervous and on guard.
Rune drew his bow, silently loading it- if he drew his bow, it could be presumed that he loaded it. The 'silently' part is debatable, but i still don't think it's necessary. it kind of distracts from the flow.
A few got up and begged him to let them out- they are PRISONERS. They each have their own story, very specifically unique to them, and 'a few' groups them together like they are rats trying to escape from a sinking ship-pitiful. Even though they ARE pitiful, since Rune's sister IS ONE, you probably shouldn't give them such weak development. I mean, apparently they've been sharing her life for 7 years! You should give them some voice. i want to hear the hopes of salvation echoing off the stone walls, goddamn it!
Rune wiping blood on his opponent- is actually, almost by every standard, a very offensive thing to do. he seems like an not-so-bad guy, and I just couldn't believe he did that to a guard who really was just doing his/her job. It's sleazy.
actually, the killing of ALL the guards is a bit uncalled for...
hello, brother- a BIT clichéd. Remember that even THOUGH she's been a prisoner for 7 years, even though she's presumably a criminal, they both have things they share. again presumably, they'd lived with each other for their early lives and have a unique relationship with each other. and if that is existing, then at the least 'brother' would be replaced with his name, nickname, or a phrase they share. Or you know, TEARS. It's probably really hard to be sexy and mysterious when you've been locked up in a prison for 7 years.
Also, all the other prisoners have lank and greasy hair, but her's is braided and shiny. Which is a little weird. I mean, who is she braiding it for anyway? Why is it shiny? is it a gross,grease shiny? because it sounds like shampoo-comercial shiny.
sorry, i tend to be like, CHANGE THIS AND THAT AND THAT, and it makes people a little uncomfortable and a bit offended. But actually, you're a really good writer, with a very visual, planned out voice. kinda like J.K Rowling. You just need to find and hone the balance and flow of your thoughts.
First of all, you don't know the whole story, which I have all in my head, and there are reasons for the things you say are out of place. For example, the reason Rune's sister stays clean and fit it because of her Gift, the Gift of Eternal Fitness and Beauty, which I explain in the second chapter that is going to be published today. Also, Rune is not a good guy, (by loyal to the king standers) he's just a dude in poverty and trying to survive.
But I thank you very much for the review.
Hi, I'm back to do the review!
Like I said before, I think that this is awesome. You have a great sense of imagery and nice descriptions. I spotted a few sentences where a comma isn't needed but nothing major.
A few nitpicks:
"He quickly shot in straight up..."
I believe you meant to say "it"
"he placed a hand on iron door"
"the" is supposed to be added. What I'm trying to say here is to edit, edit, oh and edit, haha. When you're done with writing down most of the story/chapter it's essential to reread it a few more times to find areas where words need to be added or taken away, same goes with punctuation. It takes more than one time editing to make it just right.
"Three away.
His feet were beginning to feel very heavy, like each foot was filled with led.
Two...
His heart was now pounding extremely fast and he felt a drizzle of sweat drip down his temple.
One..."
I love the counting! (I think it needs to be in italics though)
Counting always builds suspense which you did very well on here.
I agree with what ambeezy said about rewording this:
"some reason felt calmer"
I think it sounds too hmm what's the word... "loose"?
It doesn't really fit with the mood of the chapter.
You're off on a great start
I'd be reading more of your story soon so keep writing!
Thank you for the review! I've already edited and fixed typos several times but apparently they never end!
As you know I already have the second part published. And I plan to have the chapter 2 up tomorrow. So maybe you'll check that out too.
Bye!
This is really good
I might do a full review later but keep writing!
Thanks! I posted the second part to this today if you want to check it out.
Typos fixed. And added more to last paragraph (Including a few other places). Hope its better now.
Hello! ambeezy here for a review, obviously.
Okay, so I thought your introduction was awesome. You have very good imagery, and it made me want to keep reading. I like your title as well. There was only a few nit-picks in the first paragraph:
I think you meant "eyes" instead of eye. Unless he only has one eye, well then that's okay haha.
I think you meant "He."
Don't worry I won't go over every single nit-pick and grammar. Just wanted to point out a few. You seem like a very good writer, so all you have to do is read your story out loud & you'll catch on to simple mistakes like missing words, commas, etc.
So anyways, back to the story.
For some parts I think you could do more showing instead of telling.
Instead of saying how he "felt" calmer, you could describe how calm he was.
You could say his heart was beating slow and steady. Or something like that. Also, maybe you could add in why he suddenly felt so calm. I'm thinking its because he had been anticipating this moment for so long that he gave up being worried.
In conclusion, I loved the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter. I'm intrigued to find out more about what happened between Rune and his sister. I will be waiting for Chapter 2!!
Thank you so much! I have been so encouraged by yours and yubbies21's review.
The first two corrections you made (which I very much appreciate) are indeed typos. Rune has two eyes.
And I'll also take your last correction into consideration when I update it.
I have many more ideas for this and you can expect more chapters. But this one was only half the chapter. I didn't put the whole thing because I didn't know if people would like it. I plan to put the next part of the chapter on sometime tomorrow. And I hope you'll like it just as much.
Glad I could help! I look forward to the next part!
I'd love to keep reading this! Could you tell me when you post the next chapter?
Totally! I actually already have the next part ready, I'm just waiting for this to get more views.