Prologue
Liam
If you could give a piece of advice to an unborn kid about life, what would it be?
“Concentrate in school”?
“Mum and Dad always know best”?
“Take life easy?”
If it was me, it would be “Think before you speak”. No, forget that. It’d be “keep your trap shut at all times”. No, not even that. “Super glue your mouth at first opportunity”. Or at least, that’s what I’d have said to myself.
Because, if it weren’t for me, all those people wouldn’t have disappeared. They wouldn’t have gotten–oh God, I can’t even bring myself to say it.
It all started on February 12th. I’m usually not good with remembering dates, but this one has to have been burnt into my mind by my history teacher. It was the day after that dodgy Egyptian President was kicked out–Mustafar Ehap or whatever it was. I’m as bad with names as I am with dates.
I wish I could get it out of my head. It was supposed to be a good day. I mean, I had a diving competition and I went through to the regional round. Me and a few others would be representing Sharm El Sheikh in a few weeks time.
It all started in the changing rooms after the round of diving (for the town) was over. Everyone was either singing in their cubicles, others chanting, “We got through, we got through!” or “Sharm El Sheikh! Sharm El Sheikh!”
Then Damien Thomas, who’s probably the best at diving out of all of us, called, “Who’s up for a party?”
,
Everyone shouted back in agreement, me included. After all, it was something to celebrate. I could already picture myself at the very end of the competition with a gold medal around my neck and taking photos with people.
“Where shall we have it?” said Lukas.
As I walked out of my cubicle I replied back, “On the cliff!”
“Sounds wicked! We’ll walk it to the café, yeah?”
***
We arrived at the cliff, passing the café there as we neared the tip, where there was a dense cluster of tall palm trees with lush green leaves. It served as a sort of barrier to the tip of the cliff, which was a reddish-brown colour and rather crumbly. If you weren’t careful, you could easily slip.
I tried to stay well away from the edge, but that became harder and harder as the cliff narrowed as we neared the tip. I tried to block out the sound of waves crashing into the beach and fizzing as it pulled back or not to look down at the sea, but when I did, I backed farther away from the edge. I could see it: the dark, sinister depths of the sea. It was as if it was a giant monster, just waiting for me to step foot into its mouth at which point it would bolt shut, trapping me forever.
We arrived as far as we could go without going through the cluster of palm trees. We whipped out our phones and played a medley of strange tunes in a billion languages into the night: French, English, Arabic, German... The music of all the songs mixed together prompted one of the girls to dance like she was drunk or something. She put on her thatched sunhat low over her face, even though it was just after sunset. She started to sing along as we watched and sniggered at her as she made a fool of herself.
Tipping out our pockets of all the confectionary and cans could get that we had bought before coming to the cliff: Peanut butter flavoured Kit Kat Chunkies; fruit flavoured chewy sweets; cans of coke and sprite... everything. I went back to the café a few metres away and bought some chips and a cup of Orange Miranda.
I returned to find them playing a game of “Truth or Dare”. The girl with the thatched hat seemed to be deciding a dare for someone else, I wasn’t sure who though.
I sat next to Lukas. He smelled of the chlorine in the pool and his fair hair was still wet, but he didn’t seem to be cold. He plunged a hand into the box of chips I held that was smothered in ketchup. “Oi!”
“Sharing is caring,” he snickered.
“I’ve got a dare for ya, Lukas. Go to the café, get some salt and pepper and mustard and whatever you can find and put it on a chip.”
Five minutes later, we all burst into roars of laughter at the expression on his face after he ate it. Then I had to drink my Miranda with God-knows-how-much salt. Then it was my turn to spin the bottle. It pointed at Damien.
“Er...” I scratched my head. “Jump off the clff?”
“I’ll do it if someone else comes with me,” he replied. Instantly, most people shot their hands up. I didn’t know if they were being serious or just trying to make him do it. They lined up, preparing to jump.
“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to!” I called. “Even though it’s just a few metres... and I doubt you even have the guts anyway,” I added, quietly.
Dive off the cliff? In the dark? Liam, you’re Goddamn nuts. I remembered my best friend James telling me once before that shark attacks were more common in the dark. He told me that after a series of such attacks two months before. Even though they were incredibly rare, I felt unnerved at the thought.
I slid through the cluster of palm trees and grabbed onto one, where I could see them dive clearly and without being worried of falling. I forced myself to smile. “
It was crazy of them anyway. We only ever dived from a ten metre platform and there was a lifeguard there, in case you were about to drown... and this was a cliff nearly double that.
Drowning used to freak me out. In fact, the only reason I went diving was because Mum wanted me to stop being scared of water. On our holidays to Spain, I acted as if there was a restraining order for me from the sea.
When we arrived in Sharm El Sheikh, Mum made me join a diving club to help me overcome my fear of water. The coach there used to tell me to imagine that I was looking down at clouds and when I jumped into them, they could cushion my fall. “You can’t drown in water vapour now, can you?” I remember him saying.
I guess her plan for me to overcome my fear of water kind of worked but it still lingered somewhere. I used to shiver just imagining a cold, dark death while struggling to breath. I even used to think you’d bleed from drowning. Wisps of blood twisting, twirling, dancing like smoke.
“Three... two... one... jump!”
They dived into the murky depths of the sea. In the morning it was clear, calm and tranquil, the dazzling water warm, a bit like a Jacuzzi but in the night–I shuddered at the thought.
A string of loud gasps for air pierced the silence, followed by a loud round of applause.
“No point clapping if you aren’t gonna do it!” called up Lukas. Lukas Werner, jumping off a cliff? There can’t be that many 10 year old adrenaline junkies. Especially him, he was the youngest out of all of us.
How the heck were they going to get back up?
“Oi, you guys, let’s climb up. Let’s get into this cave bit first.”
The water splashed as they climbed out of the water.
“Whoa,” Damien Thomas yelled. “Look at this!”
...and then they were gone.
Five minutes later, I wondered aloud where they were, but there was no reply. Another five minutes later, I asked whether we should go looking for them, but no one else dared to break the silence, but by then it was pretty obvious what happened.
They had disappeared.
And the worst thing about it? Nothing would’ve happened if I had kept my mouth shut.
All because of me.
As usual.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Bluuuuuuues!
Okay, I didn't read all the reviews before me, so I'm probably going to repeat them. However, I did like the voice and the spunkiness of the narrative. And the story is intriguing as well. What will happen next?!
Two things.
This ending, in my humble opinion, is kind of annoying because it breaks up the action and focuses on the character's navel-gazing instead. Which might be true but... let's get to the action instead! I like action. So, don't hold it up!
The word "breath" should be "breathe."
Also, and maybe this is just me, but I find it odd that they are all these wonderful divers, yet they don't dive off the cliff in the daylight. I mean. It does sound fun if that's the kind of thing you're into. So, that part just doesn't make a whole lot of sense for me.
Hope this helps!
Hey Ahmad,
As prologues go, this has got to be one of the best I've seen on YWS for a long time. You've got just the right amount of action and drama and suspense. It took all my strength to write this review before I read on to the next chapter!
Voice
I'm enjoying this first-person narrative. I think the hardest thing to maintain is consistency, but you've done an excellent job with that in this prologue. I've got a good sense of the protagonist's character through this as well (and I can't help but think there's an element of you there too!) and really the only comment I can make is to be careful not to slip up.
I don't know whether you usually do this, but reading any dialogue / first-person narrative aloud really helps. By reading aloud you notice any inconsistencies in speech patterns and, even better, it helps to root out odd constructions like this:
Now I hesitate to pull out just one quote, because this is a minor error, but it illustrates the idea. When you start a sentence with a word like "tipping" -- that particular form of the verb -- it implies that the sentence will end with a "result" of this "action". But in your sentence this result never comes. If you read it out loud you'll feel how it doesn't cadence properly -- like an athlete jumping but not landing properly. As the voice of your narrator is so crucial to the story (and so well-written everywhere else!) it's important that you catch these little oddities.
If you don't understand that then please PM me. I probably need to use more than one example.
Opening That Mouth
Oh this is such a great flaw.
I really like the idea that the character is helpless to resist saying the stupidest things. Even better is the way that everyone around him takes them seriously! Seriously, this is a great dash of humour and very endearing to the protagonist.
Still. When it comes to suggesting jumping off the cliff, perhaps it would be better to make more of a build-up to the suggestion. Afterwards the drama is clear, but I reckon a sentence or two more in the dialogue gap before the suggestion would help out.
After "scratched my head." you could have something like: "Before I knew it my lips came up with their own suggestion." which doesn't make it sound like he wasn't really being serious when he suggested it. This is very much an opinion thing though -- bear that in mind!
Overall
Brilliant job, Ahmad. I look forward to how the characters develop and seeing what you have in store for the next chapters. Don't give any more away (in this chapter, at least!) about whatever happens in the cave. You know just how much to give the reader to leave them wanting more. Nice work.
Charlie
Thanks for your review, Charlie! ^_^ I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
I completely understand you about the "tipping". I'll change that now!
Funnily enough, I never thought of that for a flaw xD But I do actually like that suggestion, so I think I'll keep it xD
Thanks again! ^_^
Hai Mai Duckyyy! 8D <3333 *huggles*
Gaah I've been wanting to read this whole novel for so long and never really got to it OO But here I am! And I am totally glad that I am here because I loved it!
Okay so let's start at the beginning =D I loved your intro. It really intrigued me to read the rest of the prologue which is of course good! XD I also loved the humor you used in it.
Okay you should know that I normally don't review novels and I'm totally not good at it so excuse my poor attempt at it XD
I liked how it didn't drown in tons of new information and yet had enough description and such to help me understand what it is about.
Okay that's all I have for now XD I really enjoyed reading this and can't wait to go to the next chapter! 8D
*squeezes*
Hi, Ahmad!
I don't believe I've ever reviewed for you before, which is a shame. You also have a multitude of other opinions here--which I haven't read through, because I don't want to influence my own opinion--so I'm not going to say too much in general.
First, that spoiler had me intrigued, because stories with foreigners in other countries are a bit near and dear to me, especially now. So that's what I had in mind as I started reading. You kept my attention from beginning to end, for the most part.
One thing I liked was Liam's voice, which comes through. I'll have to read some more and compare to other characters before I get back to you, but from my perspective right now, I'm getting the necessary layers first person needs--the character's voice, what actually happened, the author's voice behind that.
A few things stood out, however. First, I'm a bit confused as to the ages of the kids. At first I assumed 14-15, because that's how old Liam seemed, but then you mentioned a character being 10. I'm wondering where the parents are, why they're out there alone, if they're 10. Heck, even if they're 14-15, that's a little young for there to be no mention of parental units.
Another thing would be the setting details. Where are they, exactly? You mention in the spoiler that the novel's set in Egypt, but if this were a book, the reader wouldn't have any spoilers to explain. Instead, we'd just have the prose itself, and some very conflicting information--the names of the characters against Sharm El Sheikh and the details of the sea. I'd suggest finding a way to weave in the information that these are internationals in Egypt. Best case scenario would be to find a way to do it that's seamless, so that the reader doesn't even notice they're getting fed a kernel of information. If they don't notice, then things will click and the picture will cohere again.
Speaking of the reader notcing, though, there's one section..... here:
Throughout the rest of the chapter, you opted for a fast-paced, minimalist approach. Not a lot of fluff or excess anywhere--which I like. Then we get to this part of the chapter, a good few paragraphs on his water phobia--him just telling us all about it, exposition style--and this is right before a very tense moment where they're about to jump in!
It's a huge tension-wrecker, big blocks of exposition in the middle of action. Picture the most tense moment you've ever seen in a book or movie. A huge army is moving right at your characters, you're wide-eyed and at the edge of your seat/book/whatever, and suddenly the movie or author decides then is a good moment to explain the intricacies of horse-riding.
Which I guess could actually work, using then to explain what it's like to ride a war horse or something, but things get weird when the time the exposition takes to read exceeds the amount of time between A and B in the story's events.
So maybe in this case, it's more like you're watching a really awesome movie, and someone you're watching with decides to choose the most tense moment to pause to explain something. Annoying, right?
You could probably cut a lot of that information out of the prologue--if ti's not important for the reader to know now, then they don't need to know right away and it can wait until another time. And for the information you do leave... it's about working it in so that no one notices. Like vegetables in food meant for kids. If they knew they were eating spinach/information, well that wouldn't go over well. Most readers don't like vegetables nowadays.
All that said... well, with so many other things, I don't want to overdo it. I'll comment more on the other chapters. For now... well, congrats. You just got your first Rache Drache review metaphor.
Vegetables. Sigh. Not my best.
Let me know if you have any questions, comments, concerns, etc. Always here to help.
Rache
Thanks for the review, Rach!
Thanks for pointing out the big block of info - I definitely didn't notice that at all! I know how irritating that can be. I actually changed their ages so that Lukas is 13 and so everyone else is older by a year or two. I'll fit in mentioning the parents too, and now that I think about it, I should mention it as it's dark . Thanks again!
Hey Ahmad! Here as requested at last!
I really love the voice of Liam and the feel of the story so far. It's interesting to read and does a really great job of drawing the reader into the story. So awesome job! I also love how Liam is so accessible for such an apparently young narrator (I'm assuming he's somewhere between ten and fourteen?) but he still sounds young when he needs to (if that makes sense). Anyway, let's get to some nitpicks!
What round?
This is a majorly long sentence, with quite a few unnecessary commas.
1. I don't know why the "passing the cafe as we neared the tip" but is included, since no cafe is referenced in the rest of the prologue. So it can probably be cut, and introduced later if said cafe is encountered.
2. The comma after "lush green leaves" is unnecessary.
So what we should have is something like this:
"We arrived at the cliff where there was a dense cluster of palm trees with lush green leaves that served as a sort of barrier to the tip of the cliff, which was a reddish-brown colour and rather crumbly.
I don't understand why they had their phones out. Is the music coming from the phones? Is that loud enough for them to party to? Why is everyone playing music on their own phones, wouldn't that be kind of conflicting?
I think most people know what Truth or Dare is, so you can just say "suggest we play "Truth or Dare".
I'm no expert on this part of the world. So this is just a note to you if you haven't looked into it. Are shark attacks here actually likely? And is it the right time of year for sharks to be feeding there?
I don't think I understand. Is jumping off a cliff something Lukas wouldn't have done? How did Liam not notice Lukas jumped off the cliff until now?
The biggest problem I have with this part of the story is that apparently no one goes looking for their disappeared friends? If something had happened to them, like they'd gotten hurt or trapped, then they might have stood a chance at survival if someone had gone looking for them. Also, why wasn't everyone absolutely panicking?! I'd be going nuts if half my friends just up and disappeared in a cave of a cliffside. I'd be calling up every police force I could get ahold of! Haha!
The only other thing I want to talk about is this piece being a prologue. Now, I tend to be very anti-prologue. Most of the time, they aren't really needed, they're just there because the author thinks they need them, or the author thinks they need an extra boost getting a reader hooked. More often than not, a prologue is not needed.
This prologue, for example, leads pretty much right into the events of the first chapter. So really, this prologue could essentially stand in for a first chapter itself, since there's no large gap between the events here and the events of the first chapter. In that case, I'd suggest just making this your first chapter and omitting any mention of a prologue. Prologues are really only necessary when they provide information that is immediately necessary to understand the first chapter (or are events before the beginning of the story that provide this information). Since this essentially is the beginning of the story, it's not necessary for it to be a prologue.
Overall, awesome job! Can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Thanks for the review, Lauren! I'll definitely take on board those comments. I just happened to be rewriting this chapter so this review came at a perfect time.
This originally was the first chapter, funnily enough but I decided to change it. But I'll probably change it back xD
As for him not following his friends, that's partly because Liam is frightened to go. He also doesn't know how to even contact the police, although he does try to find out. However, I do need to rearrange the dates around and arrange where scenes go, now that you pointed that out, so that everything makes sense about informing the police.
I'll definitely work on it all though. Thanks so much!
Hi!This is excellent!
I think it's a bit long, but I'm no expert.
I didn't notice anything wrong or mysterious, but there's one thing:
(around neck)
I think you ought to say: (around my neck)
Good luck with everything. Keep writing.
This is the THIRD time I'm writing this review. THIRD. THIRD. THIRD. My computer and the internet and most of the universe hates me. I swear, I'm saving this every five minutes. I put so many quotes and wrote so flipping much the last two times but I'm tired and aggravated so I'm going to do a general review instead.
Ahmed, you have three problems here. Your dialogue and some description is awkward. Your situations make no sense. You lack imagery. If you can fix these three things than this will be so fantastically original and amazing, I will buy thousands of copies once it's published and make you a millionaire.
How can one concentrate at school? Shouldn't it be 'concentrate on school' or 'concentrate in school'? This reads awkwardly.
This just doesn't seem realistic. Maybe 'Yeah, let's go!' or even better maybe some dialogue telling us how they are going to get to the cliff or what food or blankets they have to bring to the cliff or something, because as I'll tell you later on, you describe basically nothing throughout this.
The line itself isn't bad but it's who says it. Lukas is 10. 10 year old's do not have parties on cliffs. It just doesn't happen ever. When I was 10, I had a Barbie themed birthday party with a clown that frightened all my classmates. 10 year old's do not hang out with cool older kids who jump off cliffs, party on cliffs at night and have cell phones. It's so ridiculously unbelievable I'm surprised no one else mentioned it.
Hideous cliche. Use something else plez.
Waaaaay too long. I made it a little better. You tend to describe things that aren't really important. Rather than telling us how they got to the cliff, you describe the cliff, even though it isn't really important, even later in the story. Did they arrive in a car or did they walk? Did they have baskets and blankets or did they arrive bare handed?
I can't even with this line. What the heck? They take out their phones? Why? What do cellular devices have to do with parties at all?! Where is the music coming from? Did Damien and Liam and their merry band of nameless, irrelevant teenagers bring speakers along? Is it not redundant to say that they partied at a party?
Is it night? Did they come in a car? Where are the speakers hooked up to? How many people are there? Do they have blankets? Do they have food? Are they all swimmers? What were they doing for that half-hour before Truth or Dare? Just sitting around?
EXPLAIN BRO. Show me the girls twirling their hips like drunk hula dancers, the guys leaning against the palm trees with Cokes in their hands, laughing and nodding their heads to the music. Let me hear the deep bass of the music, the vibrato from the speakers, the seagulls squawking and the waves crashing against the jagged rocks. Let me smell the faint traces of flirty perfume on the girls and the chlorine still soaked into the guys' hair. Let me taste the salty sea air and feel the cool breeze on my arm. You need to take me there and show me all this. I need to be there with Liam and Damien and Lukas.
Give this girl a name or some sort of relevancy other than the chick who suggests Truth or Dare. What is she even doing there if Liam doesn't know her? Is she Egyptian or a UKer? How the heck doesn't Liam know her if she's a swimmer like him and came all the way from the UK to represent Sharm El-Sheikh? I think I'd remember all the people I traveled internationally with.
That's not exactly how Truth or Dare works. I'm not sure if it's played differently where you are but the person last dared spins the bottle and dares someone else.
Make her a person. Why is she just some irrelevant character? Give her a name or at least one identifying description. Say she's wearing an ugly hat or something.
When the heck did you mention that Liam dared Damien. Was it just unanimously and silently decided that Damien would be the next person dared?
Bro. You just suggested it and now you're saying it's a bad idea? I don't think I like your MC very much. It's really the hardest thing, to make a MC likable. You don't even know how many people told me that Chloe was annoying and you don't even know how many times I had to change every phrase she said to make her more likable. I suggest you do the same.
Again, awkward. No one really says 'yes'. Teenagers say 'yeah'.
I like this line but honestly, where the heck is this kid from. His name is Liam. He lives in Egypt with a bunch of his English friends? But he vacations in Spain? I don't even understand what's happening here. Give your character a strong background in the beginning of the story so I'm not left wondering where the hell this kid came from.
So the kid's British. But he lives in Egypt. And vacations in Spain.
#confusing.
Why is he living in Egypt anyway?!
No doubt, my favorite line but un-italicize 'dancing'. Makes it much, much stronger.
Alright, I can tolerate a lot and suspend my disbelief for so much but this is too much. The kid is 10?!
sdfdsgtzatrhHOW. WHY. WHAT EVEN. These people are at least 16-17 to be able to drive up the cliff and to have parents allow them to be out at night partying. So tell me how Lukas is 10. Tell me how this is even possible. It's so mind-bogglingly unrealistic like, I feel like slamming my face on the keyboard.
And what is this line 'no point clapping if you aren't gonna do it'? What does that even mean? I say just take out this entire bit and focus on describing some stuff.
How many people jumped and how many people didn't? And how is it obvious that they of all things, disappeared? I think it takes a bit longer than 10 minutes to climb up a cliff. Maybe have them wait a half hour, call over the cliff a few times then tell me they disappeared, but silence for 10 minutes doesn't mean we should call the police.
oh woe is me, people are gone because I might've muttered the words 'cliff' and 'jump'. I've caused the disappearances of my friends AS USUAL. Your ending is strong, annoying, but strong and even though I don't like Liam, I like it.
*
Character-wise, you've only developed Liam and he bothers me to no end. He's just a depressing downer. A Safe Sam. euch. If he went to my school, I'd ignore the heck out of this kid. Lukas cannot be ten. He cannot. It's just not okay. Make him fourteen or something. That seems reasonable, assuming that the other kids are 16-18 years old. You also need to let me know how old these kids are.
Plot-wise, there were several bumps on this road, but the journey will be worth it if you can flatten them out. You have to let us know why the heck a British boy named Liam is with a bunch of English kids in Egypt representing an Arabic town in a swimming competition. It just makes no sense.
Writing-wise, you have a very nicely paced way of writing but there is little to no imagery. What you do describe is pointless and doesn't further the plot, the characters or the writing. Imagery isn't necessary but you have to describe things.
I think what happened with this chapter is that you want to move on to the actual story, the good stuff so you sped through this without focusing much on back story or whether it's even logical. The first chapter/prologue is always sososososooooo important because this is the start where you either get the reader or you don't. You have to make it perfect. Right now, it's not. I really like the idea and I'm ridiculously excited for this story but if this was a book and I read this chapter, I'd put the book down. It's just not ready yet.
I know I've been harsh and maybe I should have eased into it since this was the first review you've gotten by me so I'm sorry. I hope I helped at least a little. I'm so upset. The other two reviews were so much longer than this. Ugh, I'm hopeless.
PM me if you have any questions or comments. I love getting responds to my reviews so yeah. PM me.
Grade: B-
~jas
Hey, Mac! I'm finally here.
His is where they all agree for the cliff-diving, right? I am liking the way you've painted the picture till now, but I personally feel that you could add in some kind of sounds of how they were excited-you know some solid description?Prologue:
Alright, so there weren't grammatical mistakes as far as I know. This story was without any bumps. One thing I'd like to say, though is that you're using informal language a lot at places other than the dialogue. Like 'cause' and all which are not part of the dialogue. You see, you must adhere to certain conventions while writing and using such casual talk when not really needed is one of them. I get you're trying to give your character a certain light, but I'd love if you'd seek out other ways to do so and try bring his speaking style in 'dialog' or his mannerism. I hope you get me.
Something related to the above point. I am hesitating to ask this but I was wondering who exactly Liam is? Because from the sound of it, his name and that of Luke doesn't Luke really Egyptian to me-I'm not sure about that, though. They just seem from somewhere else-if you see what I mean. If that is the case, don't forget to bring it up in the forthcoming topics.
Now coming to your story-to be honest, you beginning was marvelous. It was just what I love reading and when I'm writing, I prefer to come with something as gripping as this. Honestly, it was short and sweet. Besides that, it did show that you know what you're doing and where you're headed. Which, needless to say, shows you're planned.
I'm just confused with 'cave bit'.
And yes, your second draft of prologue is obviously much neat and interesting.
Your writing for your age is good. Crisp and fast. Maybe 'fast' is something you might need to fix but in the second edition of the prologue I think you got it and had worked.
Also, you might want to consider your descriptions. You don't really need heavy descriptions in prologue but be careful to wait and explain stuff to the readers and don't speed by.
Besides that, I really don't have much to say that you sure are a promising writer and you 'listen' to what your reviewers say and work on it. That is really great. I'd come back soon for Chapter-1 review and I can't wait to read what's gonna happen.
Hope this helps. PM me for anything you'd wanna ask.
Nice choice of words.
Ahmad bro!
I'm so sorry I've arrived at this Novel really late. You've already got some great reviews from everyone else here and you've even tweaked it a bit too. I read the newer one that you've posted and I have to say, it's quite impressive. You've conveyed quite a bit about the character's (hopefully the protagonist's) personality quite well.
So this chapter is completely reserved for the Character development of Liam Hunt (who in some strange way, I can imagine looking like Tom Cruise. Ethan Hunt? xD) and a slight cameo of the conspiracy taking place involving the President as well. So you're keeping a bit of the suspense at bay too. I'm actually a bit confused as to the conception of the chapter. Is it a separate Prologue or a starting Chapter? If it is a Prologue, then it should be a standalone piece and its continuation shall be in the form of the Epilogue. Hence, the Prologue must be independent from the Chapters but must convey some significance towards the plot. So basically, it should establish a setting for the main story.
The grammar here is all good and there's not much that I need to tell you about any corrections. Though...
The start seems to be quite abrupt. I'm reading 'Liam hunt' and thinking that it's the MC who's saying this. So the transition into the MC's voice should be clearly portrayed. Italicize or Bold the 'Liam Hunt'. Or just not have it there at all too.
Since it's the MC in Liam's POV, this line should be in past tense. I'm sure it's just an innocent mistake while typing. So don't worry. Just make sure you read through the lines a couple of times to make sure your sentences match the correct tense for the situation.
Again, 'They dived into the murky depths of the sea. In the morning it was clear, calm and tranquil. The dazzling water warm; a bit like a Jacuzzi but in the night.'
Remember, that punctuation needs to be a bit carefully applied. Because each one has a set function. It's easy to over-see things like this. But once mistakes like these do actually catch your eye, it would make you a better writer
There's an extra comma more than needed here. 'As I walked out of my damp, dark blue cubicle, I jokingly replied, 'On the cliff!'
I've also noticed that you've kept the styling of your dialogues in the format of using single quotes. This could be tricky since apostrophes withing the dialogue can cause confusion over the beginning and end to the dialogue (eg: 'She said it was her's but it was actually emily's'). Also, if the character is quoting someone else in the dialogue, using single quotes for that as well wouldn't really be desirable. So I'd suggest sticking to the double quotes for dialogues. But if you think you can manage with the single quotes, it's fine as well.
So all in all, I'm quite happy with this chapter. I'm glad that I've started reading this piece and I'm really interested as to how the things will unfold in the future of the plot. You've done well, Ahmad. So like I always say, keep the ink flowing
Murtuza
Hello
Ahmad, this is very impressive. Particular strength for me personally is simply the idea. A very new, innovative idea! In the first couple of sentences you instantly illustrate the character’s likeable personality. You do this with the use of the character questioning the reader, very clever. After reading this will undoubtedly check the rest out! Well done!
Ben
Chapter One
And, take it positively or just go insult one of my works. I won’t mind if you did that 
Liam Hunt This is like Jodi Picoult- this is the name of the character of this stream of consciousness right ? Make portions before this bold
If you could give a piece of advice to an unborn kid about life, what would it be? Don’t kick mommy! (when you’re inside her):P
‘Concentrate at School’?
‘Mummy and Daddy always know best’?
‘Take life easy?’
If it were me... It would be ‘Think before you speak’. No, forget that. It’d be ‘Keep your trap shut at all times’. No, not even that. ‘Super glue your mouth at first opportunity’. Or at least, that’s what I’d have said to myself. The beginning was very- mature and deep, when you started ‘Keep your trap shut at all times’. The flow stumbled, and then it got back on it’s feet and fell.
‘Cause, if it weren’t for me, all those people wouldn’t have disappeared. They wouldn’t have gotten–Oh,[/I ]God, I can’t even bring myself to say it. If it weren’t for me.
It all started on February 12th, the day after the Egyptian President was kicked out,[i]Change this phrase- darling your toturing a possibly good story- not kicked out, I understand it comes in your natural sense but I don’t know, you seem to be changing your feelings (Probably explains the sudden blasts of words in the flow) Mustafar Ehap or something like that. I never really knew his name.
………………..Everyone shouted back in agreement, me included. Here I’m not sure- but I usually say including me Then somebody else shouted, ‘Where shall we have it?’
………We arrived at the cliff and walked close to the edge, passing the café there as we neared the tip, where there was a dense cluster of palm trees. there as there was, a little repetitive and the statement also seems too long. Maybe braek it up somewhere
….. ‘Oi, you guys, let’s climb back up. Get into this cave bit first.’ hahah- I love the oi expression.
………….As usual. Well, I guess was a slightly harsh at the beginning. (Ahmad says: Ya, you destroyed my hopes of being a writer- slightly harsh) I was reading a very serious complex dude 3 minutes ago so…. The story seems good, And I like the informal attitude but the beginning was more subtle than the out burst in the middle- doesn’t matter, that explains the nervousness in Liam. Ne hu, hope my review helps
I lied it. I can understand why Liam feels guilty that its all his fault. I lie how you started with question, what would tell an unborn child about life? Then he answered and you explained why Liam answered like that. I found that a smart idea.
I can't seen any grammatical mistakes, I just think when you say who's point of view its from maybe you should put P.O.V before Liam? It helps just a teeny bit, but yeah, I would've preferred that.
Deanie x
Hi! I'm here to review, as promised. Sorry it took me so long to reply.
You already have a lot of good reviews here, so I probably don't have much to add. I'll just see if I can help any!
GRAMMAR
Your grammar is quite excellent, if not for a few quirks that I'm going to point out. First, is your dialogue marks. Dialogue is to be contained within quotation marks, and not appostrophies. So basically, it's
"Hey, General Armstrong!"
and not
'Hey, General Armstrong!'
I've seen some people put their dialogue in appostrophies on here, but I have yet to see a published novel with dialogue like that, so just a heads up.
Secondly, when you put emphasis on words, I don't recommend you use CAPS. Like "One...two..three...JUMP!" Most readers (not all of them) think it look unprofessional, and it isn't the best way to prove a point. You know how on chat rooms where people always talk in CAPS, and it gets old really fast? It kind of reminds us of that. For a cleaner look, use italics.
That's it for grammar, really! You write very clearly!
YOUR STORY
A very intriguing introduction. You have piqued the reader's interest without giving too much away. You do have some moments where I get really confused, though, and this is mostly due to your lack of dialogue tags. A dialogue tag says who is talking as you probably know. ("I didn't mean to eat the sandwich," Jack cried.) However, you often don't say who is talking. You said at the beginning that Liam thinks his what happened to his friends is his fault because he didn't keep his mouth shut. When I read, I wasn't sure what he had said that "caused" what happened. I take it that it was "Let's jump off the cliff!" but since you didn't say who said it, I had no idea who did. As a general rule, whenever a new person speaks, let the reader know who is speaking. We are not psychic; we rely on you to tell your story as clearly as possible. You don't have to have a tag every time some one new speaks, so long as the people talking have been established:
"It's purple," Jack said.
"I know it is," Tom said.
"I wonder why it's purple."
"Don't ask me!"
Now, I adored your intro. It was a very catching line, and I loved it! It made me want to read more, and your writing style has a certain wryness that I eat right up. Your pacing is very fast, though, almost to the point of blurring. I know that you have improved in your second draft, but it still needs more. A dramatic scene like this demands a certain amount of clarity. We want to know what the character sees and feels for every second. We don't want, "He did this, and then he did that", because that's a list. Bring the moment alive through descriptions. You don't really have to be descriptive until you hit the moment where Liam suggest they go off the cliff. That is, after all, the most important part. Describe the things that matter the most. Since this is a prologue, we want some intrigue as to what will happen next, but we also want to know why the character feels the way he does.
I think you have the plot down, you just need to make the whole scene clearer. When describing the cliff, appeal to all five senses. Also, I was confused as to what was going on when his friends disapeared. I thought they were at the bottom of a cliff, so how could he hear his friends when they walked inside the cave? And if he could hear their footsteps disapear, why didn't he go after them? This is where setting is important. Why couldn't he reach them? Where are his friends in the first place?
Liam seems like a funny and clever character, and I can't wait for more of him. I don't have any critiques for character yet, as this is a prologue.
Well, that's pretty much it! I enjoyed this very much!I think you have a solid introduction to the story, and with a bit more polishing it will be perfect. Keep on writing, and thanks for the read,
Esther
Yay, this was brilliant! Well done, you've really improved this and in such a short space of time as well. I'm very impressed! You kept all the good bits from before the same, which is good, and added even more good stuff on top of that.
I just wanted to point these bits out because by putting these in you've really started to develop your character without anyone actually suggesting it. Good job
One thing I would point out, hope you don't mind.
You said that Liam said it jokeingly so I'm pretty sure he would be surprised that they're taking him seriously. Maybe just put "someone said, taking my idea seriously." afterwards.
Apart from that great job! I'm glad you reviewed it and posted it back up again. Keep me updated and notify me when the next part is up, Midnight x
That's so much better! Seriously, I don't think I've seen a writer come back with such an improved re-write of their story. You took all the advice you were given on board, and you've made this 100 times better. Your descriptions were also very clear and pretty. They really helped me picture what was in your head when you wrote you chapter. Also, Italicize 'always'. You can do that by going into 'edit', highlighting the word, then pressing the i button above. Ok? You've got a great story going here...
Hello, Mac! I'm here as promised! Right, let's get down to a review, shall we?
- Liam's thirteen, right? Well, would a thirteen-year-old really give you that advice? Normally, at that age, teens don't see the benefits of their parents' guidence. Is there some unknown reason why Liam would be that mature? If there is, perhaps think of clarifying it.Okay...so, where to start...
Overall-first impression
I enjoyed this first chapter, Mac. I'm definately up for reading the second. I was intruiged at the end - I'm presuming all the kids die? Other than that, I do have to agree with the other reviewers and say that this chapter did move a little bit fast. I would've prefered your piece a litte more paced and methodical, with a few more descriptions here and there. For instance - what were the changing rooms like - sweaty and damp? Or, what the sea was like on that night, or how high the cliff was. The body of work is essentialy a good, soild 'base', but needs padding out a little bit more. Normally, writers speed up their stories for dramatic, high-impact flashfiction. For a novel, I would suggest slowing right down.
Now, I'm going to move onto some General Nitpicks
So, aside from the above (adding more descriptive prose to pack a bit more punch), I have a two more issues with the story that I'll point out to you.
Firstly, this:
Next: This sentence ready awkwardly. It sounds a little bit childish, in a strange way. My advice would be just trying to reword it because it's too simple for the sentences around it.
Well, I think that's it! I hope this review helped, and I'll be back for chapter two!
~ Amelia
This is actually a great chapter but it actually goes too fast because you really got my hooked on this. If you want to keep it this short then maybe it should be a prologue. Decide what you want to do. If you want to keep it as a chapter...I advise more description. But don't ruin it because this chapter was actually very good. Thumbs up.
Hi Midnight and Confetti,
I decided not to because I always skip the prologue and I doubt I'm the only one 
For description, you're right, I do need to put more. This cliff is important, so I should include lots of description. Thanks! 
Thanks again!
Thanks for reviewing!
@confetti, I see what you mean by it going too fast. I had a similar problem with my last novel - something I obviously need to address. I'll also try to make it clearer about what happened. Thanks for your help
@Midnight, I was thinking of making this chapter a prologue before I posted it actually
I'll post an updated version of this later to see what you think
Mac
Heya,
One thing I should point out is grammar is really not my best point so I've learnt to stay away from it during reviewing. I read through confetti's review and I agree with a few points that were made.
The story goes by pretty fast, to be honest this was more like a prologue then a first chapter. More description could be used to lengthen it out; start focusing more on location and other characters. Just a few sentences here and there to show the reader what it's like will do; don't start putting fancy, long winded descriptions in.
Description can be used again to add more emotion into it. Your use of sentence length is really good, especially in the first few paragraphs, but a few well placed, emotional adjectives could get it across more clearly.
I'd take these out, becasue if you say that the info isn't important or you act like your trying to get through the info quickly then it usually shouldn't be in there to start with and the reader will pick up on that.
Last point. Paragraphing is a little choppy. You probably know this but you start a new paragraph when the subject that you are talking about changes or when someone new speaks. Bunch your sentences together a bit
This was really good and I hope I wasn't to harsh; I try not to be when I review. I love the mystery you put in about how they dissapeared - it's definatly one of those pull the reader in elements. Do keep posting up and please notify me when the next chapter is up
This should be one paragraph.
Not very many grammatical mistakes, but I would like to point out that this story goes by very fast. Almost too fast. It could be a little more descriptive and more could have happened. I found that I was pretty confused as to what actually happened. Did they just disappear? I really have no clue what happened in the end. The beginning was strong, but the ending lacked a bit. Keep writing, cheers.