The Diamond Fist: Chapter 8

by Blues

Published March 10, 2012

In Old draft of TDF

Hi all! Chapter 8 is finally here.

As a reminder, we last left Liam hacking into James' Facebook account and coming across 'SaveEgypt' after Lauren disappears.

 

 

 

Chapter 8

 

Mustafa

 

 

 

“Very impressive, Youssef. Where did you learn these skills?”

 

Youssef and I sat at the desk, looking at the sleek, black laptop. Youssef had created a website and had already uploaded it for our... cause. It was to be called SaveEgypt.eg and we would pose as a group, attempting to bring back stability in Egypt. It was true, in a sense. When I was still in power, everything was stable. Now, Egypt would descend into mess.

 

But it was I who was the catalyst.

 

 

 

“Look at the board! Now. Can anyone tell me, from what we learned last lesson, what is an enzyme?”

 

The boy at the front, with the curly hair, shoots his hand. “It is a biological catalyst, miss, which helps to digest food.”

 

Mustafa and his friends sit sniggering at the back, muttering words such as “teacher’s pet” and making comments about memorising textbooks. Waleed ripped off a piece of paper from the corner of his exercise book and put it at the end of a juice straw in his pocket. It shot at the curly boy’s head. The back burst into roars of laughter as the teacher pursed her lips and frowned at the class.

 

 

 

I was reminded of a biology class when I had begun secondary school, where I had behaved badly and paid no attention in class. It was strange to think how different, as a person, I had become. I largely accredited that to my time as a Prisoner Of War, when I was tortured for information.

 

Previously, I had been a child that paid little to no attention in class. I had let off fireworks in the corridors and put buckets of flour on doors, which would tip over onto those who opened the door. I had barely managed to escape expulsion in school and barely even managed to get to university—largely through frantic studying.

 

Even so, I did not want to become an engineer—I wanted to be someone big and famous. But my father and mother forced me to do it as it was “a career with satisfaction”. I would enjoy it, according to them. Reluctantly, I applied for the course, in the hope that they would “shut their mouths”.

 

In my second year of university, war broke out. I was called to serve in the army. This was my chance to show who I really was, what Egypt was. I wanted to be the hero.

 

After we landed on the other side of the Suez canal, the beginning of our offensive, I raced ahead.

 

“Hey, Musta, come here and help me out to set up this SAM!”

 

But I raced ahead, ignoring my commands to help set up the Surface-to-Air Missiles, which would give us a few kilometres of cover from air attacks. I was aiming for the enemy base.

 

And then, I found myself captured, along with five other soldiers that tried to follow me and bring me back.

 

It pains me, every time I speak of even think about it. Even now, I have rogue dreams of enemy soldiers screaming at me, attempting to extract information.

 

I still feel the sharp jabs at my stomach that sent electric currents running through my skin.

 

I still remember.

 

 

 

“Mustafa?”

 

I pulled my gaze away from the depths of space and faced Youssef. The worry etched in the wrinkles on his face was clear, but I was quick to assure him that my plans would work. It was evident what he was worrying, about. “I can handle any pain, for I am titanium.

 

Youssef stared at me, nonplussed.

 

“Youssef, do you remember our conversation when I redirected you to this... bunker?”

 

Slowly, he nodded, but with the same expression on his face. I pressed on. “I would say that quote during sessions while they tried to extract information from me. It is my time to seek revenge.

 

“This country is my plaything,” I said. “Already, I have considered giving up my hopes of reinstatement. Do you know the pleasure of being in control, Youssef? It is a great one. You dictate what happens. I am the one who makes history.

 

“And now, I think it is time for a Cartoon-style evil laugh,” I chuckled.

 

However, Youssef did not appear impressed. “Is this a game, Mustafa? It appears to be very sick if so. Are you glad that your country is descending into mess? Is this for fun–”

 

Youssef’s face began to flush. I was slightly sceptical at trying to guess–anger perhaps? Or would it be fear? Nevertheless, I interrupted to calm him. “Youssef, why did you join me when the world abandoned me? Why did you not use me when the rest of the world did? Why did you not hate me when the world did?”

 

“Because the world used you! The world used you and disguised their misdeeds as helping Egypt. You were the right, they were wrong; all reports you received were wrong. You know the Health Minister? He lied. The Housing Minister? He lied also.  They’re all millionaires.  Billionaires. I was never true to you–I lied too. I was a liar–the worst of them all!

 

I was stunned by this sudden outburst. I considered interrupting to calm him down, but he  “Fifteen years of trust? Fifteen years of lies. This is our fault.  I am the only one who will serve you as an apology. Oh Mustafa, this is my apology to you. Let me help you return to power.  Let me serve you.”

 

I was... speechless, for lack of a better word. My trusted assistant, Youssef, who had stayed with me in these long fifteen years of my presidency–a liar? No. This was all a lie. This world was a lie.

 

It did not matter anymore. They had been exposed. I had a vague idea of this, but I trusted Youssef. Could I trust him anymore? He admitted to tampering with important reports, yet... It began to make sense.

 

But I would press ahead with my plans.

 

“When I am back in power, Youssef, I will have my revenge on them all. Every. Single. One. Every liar, every man, child, woman who attempted to ruin this nation would have my revenge. Wael Kareem was the worst of them all. I thought it would gain supp–”

 

“Wael was the best of them,” growled Youssef. “Wael tried to bring good to the government. In your frequent breaks, it was he who ruled. But they did not let him do anything. He was powerless. He still is. You lead this nation when required, but w–they hid the day to day things. They are all liars. They used you.”

 

Throughout my lifetime, many people had used me. My friends used me to “have a laugh” and to cause mischief that they would never dare to do themselves. My parents used me to watch me succeed when they did not. The enemy used me for information and then this.

 

Oh Lord, let these people receive the punishments they deserve,” I murmured under my breath. “Oh Lord, I cannot take this anymore. Give me the strength to carry on.”  It had been a while since I prayed, however, had I not, I was sure to have murdered someone. Or tortured one of the children.

 

No matter what was my cause or what had they done, no child deserved to be tortured. None at all. I was still a child–albeit a 25 year old child–when I had been captured. History should never repeat itself–however, it had a tendency to do so.

 

Youssef watched me fixedly as I muttered words under my breath. I sat back for a few minutes, thinking. Then, I remembered what I had found out the day before. “Youssef, do you know Wael’s nephew? I found out something rather... interesting.”

 

He looked up from the laptop. I leaned to see what he had been doing–putting the final touches to the website–before leaning back.

 

“His name is Mohamed Kareem. He has a son called Omar. I knew he worked here–I heard from Wael–and he works in a hotel.” I carried on. “We are attacking tourism, yes? Therefore, we are attacking him too. His hotel is right next to this cliff, in fact! Interesting. I think we can play a game with them if you assume the identity of an employee there in water sports. I have no doubts about finding an RPG in the weapons cupboard.”

 

“The RPG has been locked in the cupboard for nearly 40 years. Will it work?”

 

 “Even if it did not, I think we will have a fun time. Do try and lure the son onto the speedboat, will you?” I stood up. “Let’s film a video–our first on SaveEgypt.

 

And so, the plan began.

 

 

 

 

Comments & reviews · 3
DukeofWonderland commented Comment · Dec 20, 2012

I was reminded of a biology class when I had begun secondary school, where I had behaved badly and paid no attention in class. - this sentence isn't necessary, since the vision's been described.

And then, I found myself captured, along with five other soldiers that tried to follow me and bring me back. - who'd tried to follow me.

“We are attacking tourism, yes? - tourists, right?

I'm so proud of the way you keep the suspense going, it's good.:D

User avatar
qaralynn
Review
qaralynn wrote a review Review · Jun 2, 2012

Hai there again mai yellow son who happens to be a duck and..anyway, let's get to the review XD
*huggles* ^^

Okay...(I should really stop starting all my reviews with "okay", but anyway...) normally I get really quickly bored with conversation about politics (unless it has to do with Russia XP) and just skip a few parts, but I didn't have that at all with this novel/chapter.

It was interesting to read and I understood everything. XD So woot for making it sound proffesional yet not throw around with awfully difficult words. XD I am thankful for that. XP

And yikes, poor Omar OO *hands him a cookie*.

Yush, no nitpicks for this chapter. Good job. =D

*hands Ducky a cookie too* <3

-qaralynn-

User avatar
Niebla
Review
Niebla wrote a review Review · Apr 2, 2012

Hey, Blues,

After my long and rambling review on your last chapter, this is probably going to be a considerably shorter one. The main reason being that I think a lot of the things which bothered me about the writing in general in the last chapter have been straightened out in this chapter. I’d still like just a little bit more detail, but this chapter strikes me as flowing a lot more smoothly and the writing seeming a lot more natural.

The main thing I want to say in this review, really, was that although this interested me quite a lot, I found that there was also a certain amount of confusion in it. I think the thing which needs to be worked on here is the balance between the interest and the confusion. Confusion in a certain sense can sometimes be good at keeping the reader on edge and eager to read on in order to find out more, but a lot of the confusion in this chapter stems from the uncertainty about Mustafa’s character.
While the chapters from Mustafa’s point of view are interesting to read and quite well-written, Mustafa’s character seems to lack a certain amount of solidity. At first, he’s portrayed as being quite a nasty, suspicious character; here, it seems that he is a perfectly harmless and good-natured man throughout most of the beginning of the chapter, only suddenly switching to not being so nice again towards the end. There’s nothing wrong with that in itself – so far Mustafa seems to be a significantly unstable character, and you’ve begun to explain why he might be this way – but to help the readers truly understand Mustafa, I think that you need to provide more reason and cause for his smaller changes in temperament. Although you’ve begun to explain the way Mustafa feels about his past, I’m doubtful about whether there really is enough substance to it there – there needs to be more.

I get the feeling that you want the readers to sympathise with Mustafa, at least to an extent. This is interesting and definitely a good point, since even the ‘villain’ of a story should be human and understandable. There’s a good start on this here, but I want to know more. How does Mustafa feel about all of this? How does Mustafa feel about himself right now and what he is doing? What are his motivations and goals; his fears? You don’t need to reveal everything, but a little hint here and there, along with a tiny bit more consistency in the way Mustafa thinks and acts, would add to the character.
That’s the main point I have for this chapter – I’ll go onto a couple of small nit-picks now.

“Look at the board! Now. Can anyone tell me, from what we learned last lesson, what is an enzyme?”

The boy at the front, with the curly hair, shoots his hand. “It is a biological catalyst, miss, which helps to digest food.”

Mustafa and his friends sit sniggering at the back, muttering words such as “teacher’s pet” and making comments about memorising textbooks. Waleed ripped off a piece of paper from the corner of his exercise book and put it at the end of a juice straw in his pocket. It shot at the curly boy’s head. The back burst into roars of laughter as the teacher pursed her lips and frowned at the class.


Although I like this little flashback, there are two things which bother me about it; firstly, you keep changing tenses. It’s not exactly wrong in the way you’ve done it, but it would probably sound a lot smoother and not so off if you just picked one tense and stuck with it. For instance, you say that ‘Mustafa and his friends sit’ (present tense) and go on to say that ‘Waleed ripped off a piece of paper’ (past tense).

Another thing that bothered me about the flashback was that even though it was in italics, I don’t feel that there was quite enough there to indicate it being a flashback. This could be solved with just a quick line before it explaining that Mustafa was thinking back to the past.

Really, that’s all I have to say about this chapter. I’m being quite picky in these reviews because although I love The Diamond Fist so far, I think there’s a fair bit of room for improvement. Still, I’d carry on reading it out of pure interest and enjoyment even if I wasn’t reviewing it; I’m looking forward to reading chapter nine and seeing where you take all of this. Your characters and plot so far have been pretty interesting and I can’t wait to see what you have in store!

~Misty~



Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
— Homer Simpson