It's been a while.
Chapter 9
Liam
Sunday Morning.
I stayed up awake for most of the night, thinking of Lauren. I went to bed at 10, earlier than my usual 12am I spent reading Manga (Japanese subtitled comics, pretty much), hoping I could get some sleep.
I managed to sleep till 1, where I woke up, almost hallucinating. I swear, I could see little men, dressed like gnomes, jumping off the chair with the mountain of clothes sitting on it. They were dashing across my desk, climbing the wardrobe and waving at me. I knew they weren't there, but it was as if my mind's eye was a lot more dominant than normal as if I couldn't tell the difference between reality and my head.
Once the gnomes had disappeared, I could smell something sickly sweet that vaguely reminded me of burning sugar that had melted into a liquid that looked like toffee. The house was dead silent but I panicked for a bit, thinking it was the gas used in world war 1, the same in a PlayStation game, like mustard gas. But I shrugged it away. My throat and lungs weren't on fire and there was no sinister yellow cloud marchig towards me, so I guessed I was safe.
Once I'd stopped hallucinating (and smelling things), I finally drifted into a light sleep again. I rose again at around 4am. I played some video games until 9 and then left a note on the coffee table in the living room, explaining to mum where I'd be going.
After putting on some beige baggy trousers and a black t-shirt, I went outside, heading to Lauren's house.
I knew she wasn't there - I could feel it, as if it was a sixth sense. I knew that, once again, she'd vanished the same way. I should've warned her not to - but now wasn't the time to panic,. I wasted valuable time worrying. A whole week in fact, and I vowed not to do it again.
I wasn't sure why I was going there, if I was so sure she wasn't there. Maybe it was because I felt like I owed my diving friends' parents an explanation and it was too late now. But it wasn't too late to tell her mum. It felt like the right thing to do. So I went with the plan.
Lauren's building wasn't far from mine. She lived in a small two-bedroom flat not far from my own, only a few streets away. I decided to take the quick route there, via the fast road with no pavements, only mounds of sand separating the sand (and mountains) and the road. Since the city was rapidly developing, they had so many new roads to build to relieve the older ones and they had to open the fast roads without getting round to finish the pavements.
I ploughed my way thorugh the sand, watching the grey/red mountains, taxis, pick-up trucks and lorries rush past. The sun was already high even though it was only nine thirty, but the breeze that rushed past my arms when a particularly fast car went by was warm.
It wasn't a very long journey and I found myself myself ringing the intercom at Lauren's house. I remember Lauren once telling me about how early her and her mum woke up, so I was sure it would be okay to call.
I went up to flat 4 and found the door open already. Lauren's mum beamed at me, as if she was glad to get a visitor for once. I'd seen her before and could recognise her anywhere. She didn't look very much like Lauren - well, not at all, really. Her hair, a rich, dark walnut colour, was combed diagonally across her head. It was short - a pixie cut. Her eyes were hidden behind thin, silver rimmed glasses that arched over her long nose. She seemed around 50, for when she smiled, her eyes were framed by deep ridges in her skin.
Come to think of it, she didn't look like Lauren at all. She was taller than me, and Lauren was my height. I stopped worrying about whether or not they looked alike as I entered the house though, because I knew there was a warm, loving lady behind that age-worn face.
"Good morning, Liam!" she said, hoarsely. I entered the house and made my way to the sitting room, following her mum's lead.
"Mornin'." I'd been in here a few times before, once for a project for geography at school and twice for reasons I fail to remember. I'd met her mum a countless amount of times though at school in parents' evenings. I wonder if she knew about us going to the disco together. I hope she didn't mind - not that I thought she would.
I sat on a grey leather chair. She said, "How's everything, Liam? How are Mum and Dad?"
"I'm all right. They're... okay too. And you?"
"Good, thank you." She smiled again. "I'm afraid Lauren's at a sleepover so you're going to have to wait. Were you planning to surprise her with something? Her birthday's not for another week."
"Sleepover? When did she tell you? On the phone?"
"By text, in the evening, of course!" she laughed. I cringed. James - the idiot - must've lied about it. I'd have to break the news to her. At least, if she'd not turned up, she could've had a feeling that Lauren stayed, but wouldn't be too surprised about her disappearance, even though she'd probably be horrified.
"I, I er..." I scratched my head. "Ms Fox?"
"Diana."
"Diana, Lauren... I think she's disappeared." I could feel the cold sweat emerge on my forehead.
"She's at a sleepover, Liam! You certainly worry too much," she smiled. "Don't you know Katie? She's in your class. Does that ring any bells?"
"Diana, there is no one called Katie in our class. Someone else has her phone and they text you with that story so you wouldn't worry for a bit.
I could've sworn that the smile on Diana's face literally dropped. Her face uncreased and her electric blue eyes, the same shade as bluebells, turned very round. All the blood in her face vanished, making her look like an ancient doll, stiff and cold. I think it was the fact that she knew me and that April Fool's day wasn't anytime soon that she began to worry.
"What? Where's Lauren?" She raised her voice. I could feel my own heart race, but I managed to remain calm.
"That wasn't her that text you about the sleepover," I said. "That wasn't her because she doesn't have her phone--"
Diana didn't seem to hear what I had to say. She rose, shaking. "N-no, I'm sure she's there. She'll probably be on her way, she's just round the corner, I'm sure--" She rushed to the window and opened it, screaming Lauren's name as loud as she could. "Lauren! LAUREN!"
She picked up her mobile which I hadn't noticed before on the coffee table and dialled what I assumed to be Lauren's number.
I quickly saw this as my cue to leave and I slipped out of the house while Diana panicked. I felt guilty for leaving her while she panicked but more importantly, I felt like ripping out James' throat out. Why did he have to lie and just cause more problems? Typical James-lie.
Jumping down the stairs, I dialled James' number. He quickly answered. "Liam, who the hell keeps calling Lauren's phone? I was sleeping yeah and--"
"Shut up!" I hissed. James fell quiet. "Did you text her about a sleepover?"
"I was trying to cover it up, yeah? Omar said he's gonna call you about it yeah and I was trying to give you some cover--"
"All right, whatever. Diana's now panicking about where her daughter is because I went to tell her the truth--"
"Why?! Are you nu--"
"Shut it, okay? Send me Omar's number; we need to talk."
"If you're gonna look for her, call me, yeah."
"Fine."
A few minutes later, I ploughed through the sand again headed for the hotel. We were going to get some answers.
I found myself peering over the edge of the cliff, watching tiny pebbles tripping over the edge; the waves slowly tumbling into the beaches of the hotels before sizzling away; the distant sail of a boat fade away; the horizon where the sky became the sea and the sea became the sky.
Leaning over the cliff edge while trying to keep my balance and not fall, I wondered, what was the point of trying? I contemplated the past seven days. Eight days. Ten days. Ten weeks. Months. Years. Centuries. Millennia. It was all too much. It was funny, really, how you could get sucked into things so easily that weren't there a few days before...
What on earth was I doing? Should I just get it over with? I thought, wondering how I could successfully die from falling off the cliff. But something told me that they didn’t die when they jumped–no, I knew they were definitely alive. It wouldn’t kill me then. No point in trying.
Suicide. The idea seemed appealing. But how? Jumping off a cliff? No. Knife? Too messy. Ibuprofen overdose? Crack? Nutmeg even? I sighed at the thought. Suicide would only bury the problem in sand. I was the only person that could solve the whole–no, wait! Omar knew about it now. I could just leave this world and get away from it all.
Problem was, that I wasn’t ready to die. I just couldn’t. In one week, my life had changed. I didn’t need to die for that. If my life could change for the worse in one week, surely it could change for the better in another?
I took one last look over the cliff. Fate decided that it wasn’t my time to die. Yet.
So, I moved back from the edge of the cliff and sat down cross legged on the floor, staring into the horizon for a few minutes, with a blank mind. Suddenly, I felt light headed, and I could see purple spots moving around, before everything went back to normal. It was as if I’d just been slapped into sanity. I was about to commit ... suicide? I didn’t get it. I was going to commit suicide and I acted cool about it? And before that–
Suicide. Sucidide. Edicius.
What?
I felt light headed again, before going back to normal. I squinted and wiped my face with my hands. I glanced at my mobile–11 am already. I took a swig of coke from the bottle in my hand before advancing towards the palm trees obstructing the way to the tip of the cliff.
Ever since the disappearances, I imagined the cliff to be a shadowy, eerie place. Mist, spinning around you. Stuck in a vortex. Surrounded by souls, speaking in intense whispers.
Spinning. Spinning. Falling. Falling into the mouth of the monster that lay at the bottom of the sea, sending them into a pit of darkness. Nothingness.
But in reality, it wasn’t. It was a tranquil, beautiful place. The sea glittered in the sun, shimmying towards the palm tree lined beaches. The smell of sausages being barbequed wafted ten, fifteen metres high to the cliff. Surely it wasn’t that bad–why would anything bad happen there?
I noticed that I had stopped to look at the view, so I carried on advancing towards the palm trees. As I came closer, it became apparent that the trees had been artificially planted. Health and Safety reasons, perhaps? I wasn’t sure.
As far as I could tell, there were three rows of palm trees. The first row had five palm trees leaning towards the left. There was about fifty centimetres gap between each one, so it wasn’t very hard to slip through the gap.
I was between the first and second lot of palm trees now. The gap was a bit small, but it wasn’t cramped.
I looked around. It was... if anything, shaped like a cage. The trees were arranged in a rectangular shape. It was dark, with slits of light streaming through the gaps. The ceiling was as if it was made of leaves–the ground was made of soil. It was slightly looser than outside the gap.
I set my eyes on the next. Five were also lined up in a straight line, but leaning to the left, this time. The gaps were harder to squeeze through. I could feel the fibres catch on my polo-shirt like hooks. “Come... on...”
But it was too tight. I pulled myself out of the gap, back into the first cage.
I looked around me, turning on the spot. On one side, was the tip of the cliff. The other way was the way where I’d just come from. I could slip through the trees and just turn. But one part of me felt intrigued to see what la on the other side. What could possibly go wrong with just a sneak peek? Maybe the trees’d been planted for health and safety, but so what? A little bit more wouldn’t hurt. Would it?
I glanced at both directions. I couldn’t find a way to get closer to the edge. I looked at down at myself, and before I knew it, I found myself throwing my school bag on the floor, and taking off my shoes. I knew I still wouldn’t fit, so I pulled off my shirt and the vest underneath. I then pulled off my trousers, so apart from my socks and underwear, I was naked.
As far as I could see, the cliff was empty, apart from me. No suspicious looks from people who wondered why I was almost naked in public. Even the café which was at least 100 metres away from me was empty. And as an added bonus, the palm trees provided a lot of cover.
I turned to my side and leant backwards in the same direction as the palm trees, sliding through the gap. It felt like some sort of dodgy limbo dancing–except I was barely wearing anything.
Taking off most of my stuff did shave off a few centimetres. I could slide through easier. Or I thought I did, until I found myself stuck between the two palm trees.
I was stuck in the middle. Before, I couldn’t actually push through the middle. Now I was in the middle, but I couldn’t move. Crap. I tried to shimmy through the gap like how the sea was, earlier. I could feel the fibres of the palm tree scratch my bare chest.
I could feel my chest beginning to sting. Why did I want to carry on? What was the point? I didn’t know–but I suspected that after feeling so... exhilarated, if anything, in being bad, in feeling free to do whatever I wanted, that made me feel this way. Like a drug.
But already, I was in a sticky situation.
I tried to throw my weight to the right. I could feel myself inch free. I kept pushing and pushing–
Free.
I panted; my hands leaned on my knees. I looked down to see blood, seeping out of the wounds on my chest. Were the fibres on a palm tree really that sharp? I didn’t think so.
How on Earth was I bleeding?
I ignored the blood on my chest. I could see the tip of the cliff a lot clearer, now. The third lot of palm trees were now crossing over each other, like an “X” shape. Palm trees definitely didn’t bend like that. Or did they? They were all crossing over each other in the exact same shape. It definitely wasn’t normal.
But then, trees didn’t grow in the desert. Sharm El Sheikh was–pretty much–a tourist down by the coast in the desert.
Stupid health and safety.
I lay flat on the floor and crawled under the ‘X’ shape that the trees made. It was a bit
tight, but since I was tall and skinny, it wasn’t much of a problem. And then, I found myself at the tip of the cliff. I made it! Finally.
No one could see me there. I stretched my arms out and spun around on the spot. I could feel the clean, fresh, sea air spin around me. I stepped forward, and looked at the turquoise sea, still shining in the sun.
I took another step forward, before hearing a hollow thump as my foot hit the ground. Alarmed, I looked down, and hit the floor with my heel.
Thump.
The ground was hollow! Could there be something underneath it? My mind wandered and thought about secret nuclear bunkers and military bases. It was more likely to be something where they kept lifeboats, rather than a bunker, though.
I looked at the ground. I stepped back.
Not hollow.
I stepped forward.
Hollow.
What?
The hollow area appeared to be a four metres by three patch of cliff that was slightly darker in colour. It covered most of the cliff, but what gave it away was the small groove into the ground which–as I walked around the perimeter of the area, following the groove–was only a centimetre deep. It was rather concealed.
Suddenly, I whisked around on the spot, hearing something vibrate against the floor, which suspiciously sounded like my mobile phone. I growled at hearing the sound, wondering about how I’d be able to get back.
I decided that it was time to swing like a monkey along the side of the cliff. Grabbing the palm tree closest to me, I used it to support myself and to move my foot around the outside. It was dangerous alright, but who cared? It was only my imagination. Nothing that happened had anything to do with the cliff.
Eventually, I found myself dressed back in the den. Opening my school bag and spilling the contents on the floor, I sifted through the mess of books, scrunched up papers and chocolate wrappers.
I found my mobile, and quickly picked it up and answered. Omar. I was supposed to meet him half an hour ago, but I spent that time up on the cliff. Whoops. “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Omar. Where are you, man? What happened?”
“Where’re you now? I’ll see you there.”
“I’m at the hotel. Do you know where it is? I’m on the beach–the hotel beach is close to the
public one–”
I was already on my way down to meet Omar.
“Hey! Liam! Over here!”
Omar’s hotel was placed right next to the cliff. The beach was at the side of the base of
the cliff–remaining at sea level while the cliff climbed fifteen metres higher. Along the beach was a palm tree-lined, shady path. The path was straight and built in a way that you could see the whole of the beach, which was how Omar saw me and I saw him.
He was standing next to a beach hut, looking at me from behind. Once he noticed that knew where he was, he turned back to face the hatch in the hut. I jogged to meet him and found him speaking quickly in Arabic.
“...Ring... boat... wire... can we? My dad... know.”
Omar was talking to a middle-aged man who was sitting in the beach hut, with prices painted on the wooden slats next to the hatch from where he was talking from.
SNORKEL
200 LE / £20 / €25
DONUT RING
150 LE / £15 / €20
WATER SKEE
250 LE / £25 / €30
Expensive, I thought. Expensive for me, anyway. Most people that came to the hotel were probably dirty rich, or at least had considerable amounts of money to splash. Weren’t they having some kind of recession-thing back at home? They were probably using it anywhere but splashing it on water sports and holidays in luxury hotels.
The man in the hut stood up. Omar followed him and beckoned me to follow on.
The man led us to some kind of jetty. There was already an inflatable doughnut ring attached to a docked speedboat, which he boarded. We put on the lifejackets, which seemed to be heavier than I expected, on the floor and climbed onto the doughnut ring after I dumped my school bag on the floor. I was already in my swimming trunks from after I answered the call and knew where we would be going.
“The plan is,” whispered Omar, in my ear, “to let go near the cliff and see if you can see anything under the water. Hold on to the black handles, by the way.”
The man turned to face us. “Ready?”
“Ready,” I said. “Hey, er, what will–what’s your name?”
The man looked up from trying to start the engine. “Yousse–Yaqub–” The engine roared to life. Yousseyaqub or whatever his name was, turned around. I felt a light tug on the string connecting the ring to the speedboat, and before I knew it, we found ourselves in the sea.
Omar nudged me. I turned to him and saw him with his thumb up. I nodded, understanding that he was trying to ask if I was alright over the noise of the engine. Then, suddenly, the engine shrieked and the speedboat began to move a lot faster. As it cut through the surface of the sea, the sea foamed like a rabid monster, spitting at us, angry that we had disturbed the calm.
The boat veered to the right, causing me to lean into Omar as it did so. I could feel my hair billowing in the wind, struggling to keep grip of my scalp. Then the boat veered to the left at a much faster speed, causing Omar to fly into me. My right arm let go of the handle, making me roll to the side of the ring. The water hissed as the side of my bony arm skimmed the water. My heart jumped to my throat, ready to jump out any second. Any second now I’d fall into the sea, into the–
I felt something grab my lifejacket, pulling me harshly back onto the ring. I grabbed the black handle–and just in time too, for the speedboat took a sharp U-turn, spinning us around. The ring spun; the sea swirled; the sky spun; the world spun. Which was the sky? Up? Or down? And what about the sea? Was it the clear/light blue? Or was it the solid baby blue? Before I knew it, I found myself slamming into Omar, sending the two of us into the water.
The roar of the engine disappeared. Silence. Nothing. Empty.
I opened my eyes, and quickly shut them, but they still stung. I saw a quick glimpse of something move. I was under water. Cautiously, I let out a bubble of precious air escape from my lips. I heard the bubble escape and whizz past my ear.
I then realised I was underwater. No. I knew I was underwater already, but I seemed to have forgotten that you could drown underwater. Drown.
Quickly, I kicked my legs hard, and swam breaststroke upwards as fast--if it wasn't for those heavy life jackets-- as I could to reach the air, the light.I ripped it off me and carried on swimming. Kick, kick, kick– Images of blood, twisting and dancing like smoke filled my head like snapshots of nightmares from long ago. I was going to drown and die a cold, lonely death–
No. No. I wouldn’t drown, I could easily swim up, I could–
My head broke the surface of the sea, as I leapt up into the air. I sucked the sweet, fresh air into my aching lungs. I could feel it rattle down my windpipe. I couldn’t get enough of it. My head was still spinning, but it didn’t matter now. What mattered was about the speedboat and Omar. Where were they?
It only took me a few seconds to find Omar. I saw him a few metres away, rasping for air with one hand at the back of his neck, bobbing on the surface of the water. I quickly swam to him, whose normally curly hair was now plastered to his face, like dreadlocks.
“Omar! You alright?”
He turned around, but he didn’t appear to have heard me.
“Omar! Can you h...” My voice was drowned out by a large roar. I turned to see the speedboat charging at me. There was nothing I could do–it was coming too fast–was this the end? Already? Nevertheless, I dived to the left and tried to quickly swim away, but instead, the boat turned right instead of left. I found myself staring at the ring.
“Come on!” said the man, whose name I’d forgotten after the ordeal. I’d never really been good with names anyway. “Don’t you want to carry on?”
I glanced at Omar and thought about the stinging in my eyes and my fast, heavy breathing, before shaking my head. I’d had enough for one day.
Blues!
)
This doesn’t seem to be the case, but I think there needs to be some more explanation for it or at least lead-up to it, whichever way.
(Okay. You asked me to be especially horrible and even locked away my Kind/Nice Reviewing Hat, so, well, be warned.
To start off with, I did like some of this. There was definitely a lot happening here, and it was difficult to get bored while reading this – on the other hand, I do have some issues with the way it was told, and the pace of everything. As I’ve already mentioned to you, it seems a bit too sudden – one moment Liam seems fairly fine (or at least sane, despite being distressed about Lauren) – the next moment, he’s swinging round cliffs and hallucinating gnomes and palm trees. Putting it that way, you can kind of see how one might think he was on something.
I’ll go through all the things that came to mind while I was reading this roughly in order, so that it’s a bit easier to follow.
The whole first paragraph sounds somewhat off to me. The first sentence doesn’t do much to draw me in, and I don’t think it’s necessary to use both “up” and “awake”. Then the next part is immediately a contradiction – he went to bed early? Or did he go to bed at ten and spend two hours reading Manga – or did he just usually read Manga until midnight? I’m also not completely sure about the part in brackets—it feels like an unnecessary explanation, though that may just be because I already know what Manga is. Perhaps you could find some other, less forced way to explain what it was at some point, or just leave it to the reader to either know already or find out?
In other words, it felt like a bit of a rough start, and I think you should try and brainstorm on a more effective way of beginning the chapter.
In all honesty, the whole of the first section just feels like a somewhat unnecessary account of Liam’s night. “I slept for two hours, woke up, hallucinated, woke up again at this time, played video games, got dressed, went outside.” I think it would do good to try and concentrate a little more on the important bits, and leave out the rest – here, the interesting part is Liam hallucinating. I’m not really all that concerned about exactly what time he went to sleep, or exactly what he was wearing. If you started off the chapter with Liam having been awake for hours, trying to get to sleep but unable to, then you could perhaps have described the hallucinations with more detail and solidity – it almost feels too much like telling here. I didn’t want this hourly account – I would rather have read it in the form of a scene in which Liam is awake and hallucinating, but it feels as if I’m really there, can feel what he feels (was he hot, cold, alternately both, feeling trapped by his covers, with a nervous feeling in his stomach, unable to breathe properly, panicking, freezing on the spot for fear of the hallucinations, not quite awake, feeling off and distant? Just some examples.)
I just didn’t feel as if I was there, or as if I was really watching this scene—it was almost a case of telling with how little substance there was to the scene, and how quickly it passed and moved on to the dull things again.
I liked this description. It sounds very accurate, and I think everybody’s probably had some moments where this has happened to them to some extent, so it’s relatable.
Okay, whoa, suddenly this.
I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with this part, exactly – just that, again, I wasn’t too impressed with the way it was put forward and built up to. It’s just – like many things in this chapter, I felt that the idea came too suddenly, and then vanished too suddenly. Kind of like a purple ostrich with lion’s paws and a human mouth dropping suddenly out of the sky, and then eating itself and disappearing into thin air almost as soon as it had appeared. (Uh…don’t ask. Imagination’s being funny today. xD)
To get back to the point, this part was too sudden. It’s almost alright for it to be sudden – almost makes sense – but wouldn’t it have made more sense for him to just get one thought in his head at first, or perhaps an image – a vivid image of himself jumping off the cliff and losing ground beneath him and falling – or even just the one thought (What if I jumped off)? I mean, up until now, he didn’t seem to have these kind of thoughts bothering me much, and this is why it bothers me that they suddenly appear. He’s obviously not quite himself in this chapter, but the thought must have come from somewhere. Perhaps it appeared, and then he paused for a minute (didn’t he feel off in any way at this point, or as if his thoughts were unclear, or even unusually clear?) Then maybe the section above would come more naturally.
Then there’s the “Knife? Too messy,” part which bothered me. Any of the forms he mentioned would be messy. Overdoses are not instant, and he would get very sick before dying – if he ever reached that stage at all. Even if he jumped off a cliff, somebody would have to find the body. Maybe it would even wash ashore after goodness knows how long and a group of children would find it on the beach, rotting and half eaten by sea creatures. Not sure whether the “too messy” meant that he was bothered about the mess someone would have to find him in or that he just didn’t think he would be able to do it.
It just doesn’t seem right overall. I think you need to revisit a lot of parts of this chapter, to be honest, and reconsider a little. Some of the ideas here are good, and could be made into something great – so don’t get discouraged by this – but I didn’t feel like you quite got right into Liam’s mind, into his state, etc.
In fact, it felt a bit too much as if he was recounting a dream, which, again, makes sense in some ways – but I feel that in a novel, it just needs to be more solid, more in the moment, and you can’t jolt the readers about too much without some sense of consistency at least.
I guess this is more like the sudden thought I was talking about earlier. Something that came into his mind, but confused him by doing so when he realised what he was thinking.
I also love some of your descriptions of the cliffs. I feel they could be edited and improved just a little, but they generally bring lovely, clear (or, alternately, misty
Okay. Next we have the part about the palm trees, where he somehow gets trapped between them, strips naked, etc.—again, it feels as if it comes and then goes too suddenly. Wouldn’t it make sense for it to start with something small, and fade out gradually but leave that sense of uneasiness?
This part made me almost sure there was some kind of drug in the air. I mean, whoa, what? There must be some kind of explanation, for this to start happening out of the blue.
Again. xD
This happens far too quickly.
Yousseyaqub. Love it.
Overall – I still like this a lot, so remember that I have my Harsh Reviewing Hat on. I was being incredibly nit-picky and perfectionistic here – so the things I pointed out were just ones that bothered me in one way or another. It was just that I felt a little too detached reading this, as if I was just watching things happening in a dream, which in a sense may have been the tone you were trying to achieve, but which also made me feel a little dissatisfied.
There’s not enough insight into Liam’s state of mind – he just suddenly goes crazy, and it passes as quickly as it came, which is why the drugs came to mind – and even that seems as if it would have happened more gradually. Overall, too much rushing and telling and not pausing to let the reader gather their surroundings, or to really add depth to snippets of scenes. I had the feeling as if this was slightly forced – as if you were rushing to the end of each section, and not letting the story grow and expand. You need to give this part a lot more space, I think – whether that means expanding this into more than one chapter, or just changing things around.
Still. Very interesting developments here, and I can’t wait to see where you continue to take this. :3 Don’t give up in any way. I’d probably still find a way to nitpick even if you improved on all the points I mentioned above, but that doesn’t mean there’s a lot of substance despite the work that needs to be done to make it shine, or that it wasn’t enjoyable to read.
(Okay, done. Can I have my Kind Hat back now?
~Misty
Hai there Ahmad! ^^
So this shall be the last review for you for today (since this is the last chapter right now).
I totally enjoyed reading this chapter and can't wait for the next one =)
I have just a few nitpicks (grammar stuff):
The 'la' should be "lay".
The 'at' needs to be removed. =)
You forgot 'I' here. =)
And that was it for the nitpicks!
I like this novel and you should keep writing it! *huggles*
-qaralynn-