Hi all! Chapter 7 is here.
I don't really like this chapter, to be honest, and I would've rewritten it before posting, if I knew what was wrong with it. I'd appreciate any comments and suggestions!
And as a recap of what happened, we last left Liam with him making a deal with Omar to work together and finding about about Lauren disappearing.
Chapter 7
Liam
I began to sprint home, away from where she disappeared, away from it all, away from the confusion. I could feel my thoughts running with me, faster. Did she drown? Did she disappear? Did she come back to shore?
I ran through the souq; the smell of shisha filled my nostrils. I felt light-headed, not really aware of much. Everything around me seemed like blotches of colour: purple, yellow, green...
Lauren and me had walked down this souq before she disappeared. The same place. Before... we’d been messing around with a fez–a red small hat like a cup upside-down with black strings from the top of it. We’d taken photos of ourselves looking ridiculous.
I sighed. I decided when I got home, I’d call her. With luck, she’d just returned to the shore without us knowing, hopefully...
I reached the end of the souq, nearly at school, nearly at home. I sprinted to the compound, finding my building and running up the stairs. Slipping into the house and into the bedroom without Andrew’s knowing–he was busy watching the Formula one at a low sound level while reading a story to Beth.
I slinked into my bedroom as Andrew murmured something about the ‘igh’ sound. I pounced onto my desk, shoving things onto the floor like cascading waves of debris like a tsunami. Sheets, books, extra pairs of goggles, bottles of sun cream fell to the floor.
Sifting through the mess that made littered my desk, I found my phone. I jumped onto my bed, and called Lauren. I didn’t think I’d need to bring it with me, but I thought wrong. I dialled Lauren’s number.
The phone began to ring. Answer... Answer... come on Lauren, answer your phone... I hoped this was just a false alarm. I prayed that it was. She’d probably just come to shore or something, and went home suddenly. Just as Omar was going to help me–bam. Fate said no. Fate wanted to punish me for trying to do something. Trying to try.
I was redirected to voicemail. I sighed, and threw my phone onto the bed. It bounced and landed near the pillow. What the hell was I supposed to do now? I sighed and fell back onto the bed. I was tired of all this crap.
I called again. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, Ring. Would I have to try the police, again? I didn’t get it. They hadn’t called back, or anything. It was as if they completely ignored my call. I was completely sure that my teammates’ parents would’ve called the police, and then they’d have probably ignored them too.
What was going on? What the–
“Hello?”
“Lauren! Lauren, Lauren, you’re there, you–”
“What the–Liam, what–“
“–you didn’t go or anything,” I shouted. “We all thought you disappeared–”
“I’m not Lauren!”
I stopped. I could’ve sworn Lauren had answered the phone. I took the phone off my ear and looked at who I’d call. Lauren.
So, who the hell was this? Was this some sort of pathetic joke? “Who is it, then?” I said slowly, hesitant. “And why do you have her phone?”
“It’s James, you douche. Can’t you tell the difference?”
“Sorry,” I replied. “I was expecting Lauren.” My guts twisted. If Lauren was alive–No, Liam. Don’t think that way. If Lauren hadn’t disappeared, if she hadn’t vaporised or something, then I wouldn’t know until Sunday, when school began for the final few days till half term.
“I thought my voice was completely different to Lauren’s, broken or not,” said James, quietly. I could tell he was choosing every word carefully. It wasn’t natural–deeper, if anything. James felt embarrassed about the way he spoke and had already been compared to Justin Bieber a couple of times, with the hairstyle and crap.
“It... is.” I sighed. “James. Have you found her? Please, man, tell me yes. Tell me she’s all right. Tell me she’s not dead. Tell me she hasn’t drowned, and that she’s not dead on the seabed. She’s all right. Is she?”
“I’d hate to lie, Liam. I’d hate to lie.”
“God-dammit!” I aimed for the corner, and threw the phone into the corner; its battery cover bounced off and rattled on the floor. I lurched for the glass of water on my bedside table and threw it at the floor; it smashed into smithereens.
Why was it always me? Why me? What bad had I done? If I had shut my bloody mouth up the week before, would this have all happened? Was this my reward for winning a diving competition?
Andrew came hurrying in with his dark hair wet from sweat, plastered onto his forehead. “Will, what–”
I turned around, hiding my face. I had expected him to leave, but he didn’t. A minute later, he repeated what he had said.
“I’d rather not talk about it,” I growled. “Personal stuff.”
He left the room, slowly, pulling the door shut. I stood up, and walked to the window, looking at the occasional car pulling up outside and parking. What the hell was going on? Was there a black hole in the middle of the sea? Had they drowned? There had to be some sort of correlation. They both disappeared in the sea, but that was about it.
As a wisp of cloud rolled past the sun, shielding me from its glares, I drew my face in the mirror, along the reflection. I pulled away as the cloud rolled away. The sunlight streamed through the window which scorched in the sun. I turned and lay back on the bed.
It seemed like no time at all, but dusk had already arrived. What was it, five o’clock? I guessed I had slept, for I found myself with the duvet over my chest, facing the door. I watched it through my eyelashes. Then, the door creaked open, revealing a shadowy figure standing in the doorway.
I couldn’t tell who it was, but it was definitely one that wasn’t familiar. It wore a hood–brown–with some white text on it and some jeans. I couldn’t tell whose face it was either; they had their hood up.
“I’m awake,” I murmured.
It was James. He stepped forward, pulling his hood down before brushing his hair out of his eyes with the back of his hand. “Yo, Liam.”
I opened my eyes wider. “How’d you know where I live?”
“Omar. You been okay?” he added. “You looked pissed off at the beach, and what the flip happened when I was calling you?”
“’S a long story. Did he say anything?” I rolled off the bed and stood up.
“No. No, not much. He’s been hiding something. And so have you. What is it? Tell me.”
“Look, I just wanna rest right now, okay?” I stood right in front of him, nearly towering over him.
“All right. I’ll see you at school. We can talk about it then if we don’t find her.” He paused for a moment, before continuing. “I’m going to check if Lauren is at home. Shall I text you if she’s there?”
“Fine.” Although, I knew that she wouldn’t be there. Something at the back of my mind told me that last week’s disappearances and then this were related. They had to be.
But what if she was there...
“I’ll see you th–er, can I use your computer?” he said.
I fell back onto the bed. “What for?” I eyed him suspiciously as he advanced to the laptop on my desk. I was sure his phone must have had mobile internet.
“Something. My mobile’s internet is rubbish,” he added. I watched over his shoulder as he checked something on Google Maps. At first, I thought he was checking how to get to Lauren’s house. The cursor hovered over my street, but then it moved south towards the sea.
What on Earth was he doing? I reminded myself that it wasn’t good to snoop into other people’s business, so I sat down on the bed and held my chin up with my hands. My elbows rested on my knees.
Ten minutes later, after watching James doing something (I assumed he was on Facebook), he left. We exchanged words, and as soon as he left, I leapt onto my change to find out what James’d been up to.
History:
- Facebook – News Feed
-
-Facebook – Inbox
-Facebook – Message Subject: News?
I clicked on the message. He’d forgotten to log out.
It was James messaging Omar asking for any news. Omar hadn’t replied yet. As I was about to close it down, feeling almost ashamed of myself, but then Omar sent a reply.
no news but a couple of articles on the topic. theres not much about it Xcept for a small mention or 2.
Omar linked a few articles, before carrying on:
look what i found: http://www.saveegypt.eg its a website that talks about trying 2 campaign 4 ehab 2 return. i didnt hav time 2 c it all but i thought i should show u even though it has nothing 2 do with this.
Hesitantly, I clicked the link. What possibly could go wrong? I realised, moments after clicked it that the link would turn purple. But it was too late now.
The page loaded up, and asked me which language did I prefer to read the page in, with options of Arabic, English, French and German. I pressed English, and the page refreshed. I quickly began to skim through it. “Welcome to SaveEgypt.eg. We are a group that aim to reinstate stability in Egypt through the return of our glorified former president. We plan to use every resource in our hands to ensure a better Egypt for all...”
It then said other things claiming America and other enemy nations were behind it all. I did remember that on the first day of the protests, Omar had mentioned something about America seeming to be apprehensive or something. It was his duty. I’d overheard his conversation in English, that day.
And then I found a link in the corner that caught my eye.
Videos
If I could live my life again, I’d have turned and ran.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter The Diamond Fist: Chapter 8Points:
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Canary word: Present
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This chapter was nicely done. Feelings were well described.
Hello there duck that's fuzzy and yellow and can totally write! *pokes face*
Pffffffffffffff, cliffhanger much?! XP It's good that you have already posted the next chapter because I'm not sure if I would have been able to forgive you otherwise. XD *huggles duck*
Sooo this was a totally dramatic chapter with lots of drama in it! XP And I love drama 8D So woot!
But pfff you are a bad boy for cursing in your novel *flicks forehead*. >8D
That was the only thing that kind of annoyed me. XD
For the rest, I loved it! Woo!
Chapter eight, here I come!
-qaralynn-
Hey Blues,
I’m here with a review for you! I don’t know if you’ve done any work on this chapter as yet since posting it – whichever way, I hope this will be of some help to you. While I agree with you that again, this isn’t one of your stronger chapters and it could be improved a lot, that doesn’t mean in any way that it’s bad. The chapter was still interesting to read, and I find when reading tDF that I really, genuinely care for Liam as a character and what he does. This chapter, like the others, kept me on my toes and wanting to read on to find out what happens. I wanted to make sure that you knew I liked this chapter as all the others before I moved on to the rest of the review, as I’ll be concentrating on all the things I think could be improved.
First of all, what I noticed with a lot of this chapter is that much of the writing just didn’t quite seem as substantial as it could be. You generally keep descriptions and details short and concise, which is often as it should be; however, I still feel that there’s a lot of room for a little more detail here and there. It’s important not to go over the top in trying to include much detail, but the lack of detail in some parts of this made me feel as if the writing was almost being rushed on. As a reader, I resented this just a little bit – I wanted time to gain a clearer sense of my surroundings before being ushered to the next event, a clearer image of what it was all like for Liam, how connected he felt to everything around him, what he saw and lived and breathed and experienced and how it affected him.
On a similar note, I felt that a lot of the descriptions were rushed and overlooked. Some of the descriptions you write leave quite a powerful impression on me, helping me gain a clear insight into your protagonist’s perspective; others are not quite so effective and don’t really create a very clear representation or image in my mind. For instance:
The above is not a bad paragraph, but at the same time, it feels quite plain and inexpressive, lacking some crucial details. I don’t particularly like the comparison of Liam’s surroundings to blotches of purple, yellow and green – it’s such a vague description that it literally makes me imagine plain blotches of colour around him, which creates an unrealistic and almost absurd image in my mind.
This is just one small example; again, it isn’t bad, but I think it could be much improved. I want to see you using more detail, and finding new and effective ways of making me see exactly what Liam is going through. I want to know it so clearly that it feels for all the world that I’m going through it all myself.
There is some repetition here and there, and some clumsy wording, both things which are really quite minor and I expect you’ll be able to easily sort out once you’ve left this alone for a while again and come back to look at it in a more objective way.
If you’ve already said ‘with luck’, you don’t really need to add on ‘hopefully’, too.
Here it feels as if you are just repeating nearly the same thing – too many repetitions of ‘the corner’.
Another slightly nit-picky thing that I noticed was the number of rhetorical questions on Liam’s behalf which you used in this. It’s natural, of course, for him to be asking lots of questions – but as a reader I started to find the constant repetition of them a little monotonous. I would have liked a bit more showing here; did he imagine what could have happened to Lauren? I’d like just a bit more imagery and descriptions of what Liam actually did and how he was reacting both mentally and physically to the stress and shock of the events. It’s good to show the reader his thoughts to an extent, but also important to remember to create a sense of perspective and reality in the events for the reader in other ways more external to Liam.
This is a really minute point, and might even seem a little random, but I wanted to ask: is Justin Bieber really all that popular in Egypt? If he is, then that’s fair enough. But it brings me to another point: the fact mentioning too many of these very current trends and people might create the risk of this all soon sounding a bit dated. This is just another nit-pick, but I personally think these things would be better avoided.
There is also the way I’ve noticed Liam’s narrative sounding a bit too teenage-y in some of this. For instance, he’s used the word ‘crap’ a few times, and in each case I found it slightly annoying. This brings me to my final point: the fact that I’m starting to get just a little tired of Liam’s narrative at times. I like Liam as a character, but I want more insight into the things around him. He seems very focused on the things within him, perhaps just because of the slightly overuse of his thoughts and the questions going through his mind. This might sound strange, but I want to see more of Liam’s insight into the world around him. I want more external descriptions, more of his view on the current way everything works in the world. I think all of these things, as well as trying to really get into Liam’s perspective and describe how this is all affecting him without using too much repetition and instead finding new and unique ways to describe it and make the reader feel it – would all make Liam, as a character, seem a lot more mature. It would definitely help me understand him personally a bit more. I definitely want a bit more insight into the relationship between him and the others around him: what things about his friends/family annoy him? What makes him fond towards them anyway?
I apologize for this being a seriously long, rambling review, but I agree that this chapter needs a lot of work to get to a really brilliant standard and wanted to point out everything that I noticed and could think to suggest. I’ve done a lot of harsh-nit-picking, but overall I really do like this. Despite the lack of detail in some places I still find myself relating to and caring for Liam, and the sense of suspense is growing still. You’re doing a great job here – I can’t wait to see where you take this and how you improve on it!
~Misty~
Thank you so much for the review, Misty! It really helped and I'm glad you pointed all those things out - I *knew* there was something wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it xD Thanks again!