Hi all! This is chapter four.
As a reminder, we last left Liam run away from Lauren on his date and Mustafa was recalling the events of his "resignation".
Chapter 4
Mustafa Ehab
“The best leaders have more than one plan.”
Perhaps my most repeated thought of wisdom during my time in office. Of course, that meant I needed yet another plan along with my initial idea on the fate of the hostages. Another idea, but with different intended effects. The first–something to create horror, disgust and fear. The second–confusion, insecurity and fear. I knew exactly how to do it.
I would release the prisoners.
All prisoners convicted of theft or a violent crime would be released to cause havoc and mayhem. Chaos would be widespread. The tourism industry crippled. That in itself would have a major impact on the economy. If I pleased, I could have the Suez Canal closed. Soon, there would be begging for my reinstatement. Then, we would see.
Youssef’s dark eyes were wide with shock. “M-Mustafa–”
“I know what you think,” I replied, smiling. “They will be rounded up like sheep when their duty has been fulfilled. Not to worry.”
“I was a little shocked–rather extreme–”
“Exactly.” My mobile phone, placed on the desk, began to vibrate. A relative, Hassan, was calling.
“Mustafa.” His deep voice was clearly in fear.
“Hello Hassan–something wrong?”
“I’m in a hospital in Al-Qahira and there seems to be something wrong–they recommend I have someone nearby–”
I stood up, instantly. “Youssef, we’re leaving. Hassan–what–”
A few years prior, he had been diagnosed with heart disease. Hassan was already born with a heart defect. I desperately hoped it was not bad.
***
After landing the helicopter, Youssef and I rushed into the hospital in Cairo.
“Oh dear,” I mumbled, glancing up. The hospital, at least five floors high, was bright and crowded. Large crowds of people walked on glass walkways connecting two sides of the hospital suspended in the ceiling, the sun streaming through the glass roof and bridges, causing me to squint.
The smell of strong coffee from the café floated to my nostrils, along with the scent of fresh flowers.
“How will we find his ward in all of that?” I said, still gazing at the bridges.
“Not to worry,” replied Youssef. I turned to see him studying a map. “I know where he is.”
After buying some flowers and a get-well-soon card from the small store next to the café, we eventually found his room. It was cool and dark. Hassan lay asleep on the bed, with a heart monitor next to him, quietly beeping every few seconds.
Putting the flowers on his bedside table, I tapped his shoulder, before sitting down on a chair. “Hassan,” I murmured.
Slowly, his dark eyes flickered open, before beaming with joy at the sight of me. “Mustafa.”
“Hassan ... what happened?”
“I don’t know. I came for a check-up, began examining me, then I was hospitalized and now–”
“Calm down, they just want to make sure everything is good. I promise you.”
“But what if I have to stay and if it gets worse, she’s delivering in a month–”
I smiled at the sound of a baby crying in the background. Hassan’s wife was pregnant with his third child. “It will be fine. What will you name it?” I asked, trying to divert the subject so Hassan would not panic.
He opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the sound of knocking at the door. It quietly creaked open, allowing a tall, dark-haired woman dressed in a clean white coat to enter.
“Mr. Ehab?”
“Yes, doctor.” Hassan sat up on his bed.
“How are you feeling now?” she said. The doctor, with a badge on her chest reading Neeveen Issa, smiled at him, having not noticed me yet. “Good?” she nodded. “Now, we understand what was causing the problems you were having...”
“And?” he said, leaning forward.
“...but I’m afraid that our best option is a heart transplant.”
“Is that a good thing?” he asked. I, myself, was unsure whether to be happy or not.
She adjusted her glasses. “There is always the risk of complications in any operation. The risk is small but will always linger.” She sighed. “The problem we have is that there are no hearts available to be transplanted.”
My own heart dropped in a similar fashion to an anvil dropped upon someone in a cartoon I used to watch as a child.
“B-b-but–what–I um, I-I–”
“There is a temporary solution which may be able to buy you more time, Mr. Ehab, but that will also involve in an operation. Either way, however, you still have time. Very limited time, but there is still time.”
I was bewildered. How did Hassan’s health deteriorate in such a short space of time.
“I-I’ll take it.”
I opened my mouth to speak for the first time the doctor entered. “How much...?”
She looked at me with a strange expression and a hint of slight disgust. “500,000 L.E.”
***
500,000 Egyptian pounds. That was nearly £50,000. It was impossible to get–if I even tried retrieving that money from my bank account, people were sure to find out. I certainly would not have expressed any surprise of monitoring the activity of my bank account.
Now sat at my desk back in Sharm El Sheikh, I picked up the family photo. Despite the fact it was three days since I had “resigned”, it pained me to be away from my wife and my children but I had no choice. I told myself it would be better in the long term, yet that did not help.
I yawned and closed my eyes, thinking I would give my eyes a rest for a second...
“TELL US NOW!” he roars. I feel a searing pain across my bare chest. “When is the next attack–Ismailia, Port Said–”
“I DON’T KNOW! THEY DON’T TELL US–” I bellow before screeching in pain yet again. “Please–”
“YOU ‘RE A LIAR! Tell us now or you’ll be lucky to see the sun rise tomorrow,” he spits. He shakes me hard, my head banging hard on the wall.
“No... no...”
All appears fuzzy and I begin to feel disorientated. My body goes numb; all I feel is warm liquid trickling through my hair and neck.
My eyes flew open, relieved to discover it was simply a dream. However, the acid in my stomach simmered with anger. I may have suffered humiliation more than 35 years previously in the war, but it still angered me to that day.
Now, I had my own prisoners. I would do the same to them but this time, of course, with nearly seven billion watching.
End of chapter
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140,122 Literary Works • 673,026 Reviews
Hey, Ahmad!
Back again to review #4!
Alright, I think I get the flow of the story easily now. You've tried to give as much exposure as possible in each chapter involving Mustafa or Liam and I like again, how I can still come back to Mustafa's back-story after having read Liam's. Because I feel like I an sympathize with both these characters, I find it more intriguing to know how and when their paths cross or connect. That should be amazing to read!
Now with the chapter!
Mustafa plans on releasing the prisoners to cause chaos and havoc. All to make a point. Even though his motive wasn't the most inspiring, I could sense the manic stream of thought going through Mustafa's head. And he seems extremely confident that his plan would work. However, where would he find the authority to release the prisoners? Despite being resigned, if he had influences within the jurisdiction of the country (example: like the new President a.k.a The General a.k.a Mustafa's pawn) that could have been mentioned. Since he can't actually just go ahead and open the prison gates without having the eyes of his former peers on him. And why and how would that be the only reason for them to beg him for his re-instatement? Would he need to frame someone else in order to prove to the public that his resignation was a falsified claim? Just a few thoughts.
I like how, despite being so evil and negatively ambitious, Mustafa is a family guy. When the Doctor does enter, though, how is it she doesn't recognize him as being the former President? And even if she did, there were no hints as to her reaction or her distaste for Mustafa for her to give him a disgusted expression. Something was amiss here, I feel.
The dream scene was brief but eventful. And gives a little more back-story to Mustafa. I'd love to see how you unravel his history further and even maybe expand upon his wife and children to add in that familial closeness. Those elements, if played with correctly, could well strike a chord within me as a reader and Mustafa's character would be more critical and impactful as the story progresses.
Another good job on this one, Ahmad. Looking forward to more! Keep the ink flowing.
Murtuza
Hello there mai awesome fuzzy duck! <33 *huggles*
Here I am again after a long break of reviewing! (So forgive me if my reviews are rather short or not very helpful XP). I shall do my best to say some useful stuff.
Okay, so as you already know, I real like this novel and I love the characters in it. You really bring them to live for us and it makes a novel so much more fun to read =).
I have no nitpicks for this actually...I just wanted to say that it's really interesting to have read a little bit more about Mustafa and I really like the fact that you show that the 'bad guy' in your story is also just human with good sides and all. It makes this story a lot more realistic so good job on that!
Alright, that was it! =D
*runs off to read chapter 5*
-qaralynn-
Hey there Blues,
I’ve read all of the chapters you’ve posted so far now, but I thought I’d start by reviewing this chapter since the previous chapter have quite a considerable amount of reviews and many of the main point have been mentioned. I want to give my overall impression of the entire thing first – I love it! The story is great so far – I love how it’s set in Egypt. The tone and pacing are also amazing, and overall it’s all really well told and unique. There are some parts in which I think you could add a little more detail, but generally there is plenty of detail, allowing me to visualise the scene very well.
Now onto the actual review for this chapter. I do actually think you did pretty well with the pacing and description. I love how you switch between points of view rather than just telling the story from Liam’s POV all the time. It gives it the nice element of change which makes it interesting. I was a little confused at first when reading the last part of this chapter, but it all cleared up when he woke and realised that it was a dream. Still, I think it would be good if you indicated in some way that he was dreaming rather than just launching straight into it. The dream part is a part which I think could definitely use a little more description and detail.
As Lauren said, I think it’s a little unrealistic for Mustafa to be considering the exchange rate. While I can see that you’re just trying to show your readers how much money it is, it sounds out of place. All you need to do is make sure that it’s clear to readers that it’s a considerable sum of money – that will do!
I do like how you’ve shown a different side to Mustafa, but one thing I think you could do is to try and delve a little more deeply into his mind to explain why he does the things he does – I find that you’ve explained Liam’s thoughts and feelings a little better than Mustafa’s. Try and add in a little more detail in that area to make him a more understandable character, even if he is the antagonist.
Overall, though, I love this chapter – and the entire novel so far! I can’t wait to read more of it, and I’m going to go and review some of the other chapters now.
Keep writing,
~Misty~
How does he intend to do this? He's out of power, no one will have to listen to him.
I'm assuming people know that he's been kicked out of office, and know him well enough to know what he looks like if they saw him. Would this cause problems with him? I'm still wondering what kind of reputation he has after being pushed out of office. Do the people like him? Dislike him? Would they smile and shake his hand if they saw him in public? Or would they yell and attack?
Either way, wouldn't it make sense that he would try to go into the hospital unnoticed?
Really? You mention that his behavior would surprise us if we hadn't seen the novel page (which, due to New YWS, I can't see D:). This makes me wish I knew more about Mr. President here, since he seems to be a more dynamic character than previously expected. It would also help if this personality was better shown throughout his first chapter, as well as this one, so that the reader can better understand he has different aspects to one personality, rather than it appearing like he isn't a well represented character and is simply flip-flopping all over the place. (If that made any sense xD)
Why is he considering the exchange rate? He's Egyptian, so wouldn't he just think of it in Egyptian currency?
Who is this speaking? o.o I don't understand what this dream/flashback/whatever is.
Also, through the rest of this "dream" the tense switches to present which is awkward. It should all stay in past tense so the story is uniform in that way.
Another great chapter! I like this one better than the previous Mustafa chapter. There's a lot more description, and he feels like a much more rounded character here. Also, I think the pacing is just fine. Although the chapter ends quite soon, while I would have enjoyed seeing more of this scene and what comes next.
Still, I'm having some issues with Mustafa. His behavior in this chapter is vastly different than in the previous chapter he was in. This is only a problem if we don't see he has different sides to him in every chapter he's in. Meaning, he can't act one way in one chapter and another way in another chapter without it being explained to the reader, and obvious to the reader that it's a diverse personality we're seeing rather than a wishy-washy character personality. So, let some of his softer side shine through in the previous chapter, and let some of his rougher side show through here. If he were a real person, he would exhibit both sides of himself in most circumstances, because that's how real people are.
Other than that, nice chapter! Now I'm off to read more!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
[quote="Ahmadblues"/]
Of course, that meant I needed yet another plan along with the plan of the fate of the hostages.'apart from wht I'm going to do with the hostages'- might work better, plan repeats. Another plan but with different intended effects. The first–a planremove plan, still works well. to create horror, disgust and fear. The second–confusion, insecurity and fear. I knew exactly how to do it.
Perhaps my most repeated thought of wisdom during my time in office. 2 mys in one statement, reduce the first to 'the most' ....then it has 'my wisdom'....oh, and 'while I was in office' k, do sth.
All prisoners convicted of theft or a violent crimeuse plural as statement starts with plural- violent crimes would be released to cause havoc and mayhem.
......“Mustafa.” His deep voice was clearly in fear.a voice was in fear- is odd, I get the idea but change the word arrangement somehow.
“Hello Hassan–somethinganything works better wrong?”
Large crowds of people walked on glass walkways connecting two sides of the hospital suspended in the ceiling,- this description was a tad bit odd to visualize. the sun streaming through the glass roof and bridges, causing me to squint.
you really tried well to describe here, good work:)
The smell of strong coffee from the café floated to my nostrils,The mention of nostrils makes things odd- no one wants to imagine nostrils k? , along with the scent of fresh flowers.
Hassan’s wife was pregnant with his third child. “It will be fine. What will you name it?” It’ll be fine, seems more appropriate in informal talk. And, don’t call the child it- that sounds sad And, I asked, trying to divert the subject so Hassan would not panic.
“How are you feeling now?” she said. The doctor, with a badge on her chest reading Neeveen Issa, smiled at him, having not noticed me yet.- The sentence structure is odd don’t u think? here was“Good?”- did I copy this wrong or is there some typing error she nodded. “Now, we understand what was causing the problems you were having...”
“There is a temporary solution which may be able to buy you more time, Mr. Ehab, but that will also involve in an operation. Either way, however, Either way and however together is redundant you still have time. Very limited time, but there is still time.”
I opened my mouth to speak for the first timesince the doctor entered. “How much...?”
Now satsitting sounds right as now is a continuous word at my desk back in Sharm El Sheikh, I picked up thea family photo. Despite the fact it was three days since I had “resigned”, it pained me to be away from my wife and my children but I had no choice. I told myself it would be better in the long term, yet that did not help.
I yawned and closed my eyes, thinking I would give my eyes a rest for a second...2 my eyes in one statement- change the 2nd to my self or sth
“TELL US NOW!” he roars[i]roared. I feel a searing pain across my bare chest. “When is the next attack–Ismailia, Port Said–”
“I DON’T KNOW! THEY DON’Tdidn’t TELL US–” I bellow before screeching in pain yet again. “Please–”
“YOU ‘RE A LIAR! Tell us now or you’ll be lucky to see the sun rise tomorrow,” he spits. He2 he-s too close- could do, ‘shaking me hard, he bangs my head-… shakes me hard, my head banging hard on the wall.
“No... no...”
All appears fuzzy and I begin to feel disorientated. My body goes numb; all I feel is warm liquid trickling through my hair and neck.[/i]
I may have suffered humiliation more than 35 years previously in the war, but it still angered me to thatthis day.
[/quote]
I swear this has been saved on my notebook for 5 days now, yes I finished the review. Hope it helps. I think you really tried to change your writing style and stuff this time, I guess it did work for you but then- I guess you should be as natural as psbl cause sometimes it's visible that you're trying.
-spot reserved-
Little caught up now, I'll get right back at ya.
Hi Blue!
I would like to say I think you did put enough description in, I really liked this chapter. It was nice to learn a little bit more about his history and himself. I can't think of anything wrong with your writing, it was all very clear and easy to read. I really liked seeing into the ex-presidents dreams, and I loved the name of the nurse!
Not a very helpful comment but it is all I have up my sleeve for the moment!
Great job though!
Deanie x